I've been banned from my stepson's wedding.....

Have been picking up courage to say this, it is possible they didn’t use your surname because it was once his mothers.

If I had remarried I would never, ever tell my daughters I put their step father before them, the son must have been so hurt.

You didn’t like your husband’s mother and I think your view of his first wife as - diagnosed as austic which explains in part her rude and poisonous nature , very unkind. You also said ‘you wouldn’t stop you husband going to the wedding, you must have thought of doing so to say that.

Relief is a wonderful empowering feeling where one can truly live again -

Why comment on it when it has already been done? it would be different if your opinion had been asked for. I would either accept with good grace or politely decline the invitation if it bothered me that much.

Me neither if it's going through the post. If it's hand delivered I would expect mum,dad,aunt Mabel etc on the envelope not first names from family.

If it were me I would not want to go. Turn the other cheek and send them a lovely present.

These things happen to all of us one way or another.

Silly me. It was posted. So Notanan you're right. He couldn't put "Dad". He should have put the surname then. Most definitely. My children would never call me by my first name. It was perfectly fine to comment on it. Not a reason to fall out.

Eggshells are horrid and should be avoided at all cost. Hence it is normal that you feel relieved not having to go to the wedding.

SS has been waiting for a reason to uninvite you, Phoenix and your critisism about the names on invite was hijacked to that end. You (and your DH) can apologise as much as you want it will never be good enough.

I find many comments here offensive and hurtful to the OP especially the attack on and consequent blame of your DH without knowing the details. If his son has been causing constant trouble in the family with provoking arguments then DH is within his rights to chose his wife over him.

Children can be very cruel to their parents, use them and when they are of no use stop all contact and disappear into the world. Believe me I know quite a few like that. Why should a person have to chose blood over the person who is loving and kind to them especially at a time when said son is particularly obnoxious by uninviting his wife over a laughable matter.

What a horrible thing to say that a man has to be on his children side when they treat his wife badly? Surely you support whoever is treated unfairly.

Why is everybody so upset about the OP mentioning the invitation. It is such a trifle matter something she should be able to comment on. It may cause a slight humph but an argument? There is no way you will ever please your SS - whatever you say will cause offence - until maybe in a few years time when he has step children who will make his life difficult and he grows up.

You have your own family, invite them round on the day and enjoy an eggshell free day.

Sorry, that should have said Houndi

Houdini!!!! I know, I didn't get at all why putting Christian names only on an invite was a problem. I have absolutely no idea why anyone would object, and certainly no idea why you would then complain.

I have been sent a invite to a wedding with beautiful invite that were hand made.The envelope just had our christen names on.I will definitely be going to the wedding in fact i cant wait

Phoenix FH
You could make it that you have plans to meet up with an old friend for that day and let your husband go and enjoy the wedding.lessen the problems maybe that way

I think some AC do resent step parents and this can be accentuated when they themselves have a partner and it can be 'us' with an axe to grind. The partner will believe what your ss has told her. Why wouldn't she?

I agree with notanan2 that the OP's husband didn't help matters by shifting the pecking order when he married and ensuring his son knew where he stood too. That would be hurtful.

However, it does sound as if there are all sorts of resentments on her husband's side since their marriage, or even when he found a woman to replace their mother. It's very sad that some children cannot accept that their parents move on and have a right to be happy. It has to be handled sensitively to keep everyone happy.

I am also of the mind that right now, it is the OPs and her husband's time to enjoy their lives together. You have to let others get on with their lives. In an ideal world everyone would be happy for them but step families can bring tensions, even if they are unspoken. It can make the 'treading on eggshells' relationship very difficult. Who needs it?

Cannot believe that offence can be taken about such a trivial matter.
Apologise if you can & if they accept it try to explain you are old school & that sort of etiquette is what you are use to, but that you now realise it really doesn’t matter at all.

Also - I've been pondering on the names on the envelope thing. (I actually can't believe something so minor has caused such a rift!)

I think it depends on who wrote the envelope and whether it was handed to the OP's husband, or sent in the post.

If the son wrote the envelope, and delivered it in person, then as has been pointed out, he can't put "Dad and Mum" because obviously those aren't the recipients. I think it would be overly formal to write Mr and Mrs XXX if it is being hand delivered. Probably it would have been better to write Dad and (OP's first name). Or not even write anything. If it's being hand delivered, then it's clear who the envelope is intended for.

On the other hand, if the fiancee has written the invitations, then she can't put "mum and dad", or "dad and (OP's first name). And again, "Mr and Mrs" might be seen as too formal. So if she has written it, she will have addressed it to whatever she calls her fiance's father and step mother - i.e. their first names.

I think it if was posted, then no matter who wrote it, it should have been addressed to Mrs and Mrs XXX (assuming they are married, other wise Mr XXX and Miss/Mrs/Ms XXX).

I think the father may well have sewn the seeds of the son's resentment by telling him he had moved down the ladder of importance in his father's affections. Of course (to my recollection anyway) we've not been told the circumstances of this revelation, or how old the son was when it was said.

When my daughter married she asked my husband, her step father to give her away. Awe dad and family were invited and attended and all was well. Her choice.

You say that you making the comment about surnames on the envelope was "the straw that broke the proverbial camel's back", which would suggest to me, as Anja said above, that there have been other incidents where you have commented on things, which haven't been well received either. I think it all depends also on how the comment was made - "it ain't what you say, it's the way that you say it".

Your OP is loaded towards your family and against your husband's family, so I'm sensing there was tension between you and them long before this wedding invitation.

I think it's just as well, all round, that you are not going to the wedding, as it sounds like the kind of family situation that could easily turn nasty, and you, being the "cuckoo" in that family's nest, would likely take the blame.

Treat yourself to a nice day of your choosing, and wish the happy couple well - from a distance.

I think that there is something to be said for accepting that some people just cannot be in your life.

Yes. As the DH had made it clear that the OP is REPLACING his old family, any chance of "blending" goes out the window

*It should have been addressed to
"Dad and (insert partners name)"*

I have never posted anything to my parents addressed on the envelope as mum or dad. Could be anyones mum or dad Theyre not my postie's mum or dad (I hope!)

As for the mums "poisonous" attitude to the OP: autistc or not, as a MOTHER if my DH told my children that they had been demoted to rank below a new partner, I would struggle to give my blessing to that relationship (not that my blessing would be required but you know what I mean)

I think that there is something to be said for accepting that some people just cannot be in your life. There sounds like a whole backlog of hurts which have been stifled but as you say, if the relationship with your SS and his partner have always been strained, rejoice that you have accepted it is over and you no longer have to walk on eggshells. Why should you have to? If they resent you, let them get on with it.

I only say this because recently a rift was created in our blended family. I hate confrontation, like a peaceful life and do tend to bottle up my real feelings for the sake of harmony. I was grateful to a friend who after listening to my tale of concern, woe and all my hand-wringing and angst said quite bluntly. "Look, no more fake smiles for you, no more feeling uncomfortable, or having to try too hard to get her onside, and no more going along with things you find unacceptable. It is much healthier for you to accept you'll never see her again. Get on with your life, with one very difficult relationship gone"

It is difficult when it involves family members and split loyalties. It's hard, but as some wise person said, you can choose your friends, but not your family. It takes two to tango, two to argue, two to fall out. Sometimes it's futile forever trying to be the peacemaker and the one making allowances and amends, as I was.

Enjoy your day and wish your step family well but let it go and move on.

I think its really odd for a child to send an invite addressed to his father by his Christian name. I would comment if my children did that. It should have been addressed to
"Dad and (insert partners name)"
But lucky you not having to go. Families!

Weddings can be stressful occasions. These days there are many mixed up families with all the divorces & remarriages. You can’t like everyone or the way they do things.

I liked Artols acceptance of the situation in which she found herself. I try hard to model myself on this approach, trying not to judge other family members by my standards & working to accept the way things are.

I would apologise profusely in the situation whatever happens next.

@Peardrop50
“You seem to me to be a very selfish and insensitive person.”
Where exactly, from op’s post, do you get this from? It is incredibly nasty!
It is not the op who said that she came first before dh’s son, it was her dh who said this. I think that he was out of order to say this, but why blame the op?

I do think op should apologise to ss, just simply saying that she is sorry if she upset him as that was not her intention.

However, attitudes such as Peardrops do nothing to help the situation. Maybe Peardrop had a “wicked” stepmother which has left her unable to see situations such as this clearly, or maybe she is just plain nasty.

Agree with notanan2's P.S.

I’m assuming your stepson would willingly accept a wedding present from you BOTH?? Or will he upset his father and reject it?

P.s. I couldnt be in a relationship with a man who didnt prioritise his children. I just couldnt respect him. If OP is fine with it then she cant really be surprised that dynamics with the children are strained.