passive agressive or is it me??

No update from OP. Hope the issue has been resolved.
Would be good to know if all is well.

It's a very difficult situation. You could get in a gardener, a proper gardener, to do things round the garden [there's nothing wrong with letting someone know the correct way to prune things, and suchlike things it's not wanting things done your way, it's wanting things doing right so they do the job they were bought for - to flower and look pretty.|

You could shop online or ask a friend or relative to help and buy in so much and all different unscented cleaning products, so that he has no excuse to buy any more and accidentally spill the smelly ones, and fill them up with something unscented or hide them . You could watch TV on a laptop with headphones, maybe even go into a different room and see if he tries to spoil your enjoyment that way. You could hide his tools in the compost heap [just joking], but you could hide his tape measure, or even better, report him to environmental health
You are in a difficult situation and while my suggestions are a bit tongue in cheek,[apart from the gardener] if you did try them you could see what he did in response. If for instance, he trailed after you with your laptop and tried to loudly talk about irrelevant things, maybe switched the router off even though he'd started doing something in the other room, or he'd never switched the router off before, then you'd know he was actually doing those things deliberately to upset you. As for breaking favourite things, am not sure what to suggest, but my abusive ex-husband used to do that, he'd deliberately damage things that he knew I liked or which meant a lot to me. Yes, some of the other things might 'just' be thoughtless, but how old is he, 3? If your health is deteriorating then do you want to be at the mercy of someone who deliberately does things to make you feel worse just at the time when you can do less and less. Might he 'bumblingly' not give you the right medication, delay doses, that tablet you have to take on an empty stomach, or a full stomach, or the one you have on a monday and have to sit up after, or otherwise do things that adversely affect your health? Imagine a dear elderly relative was in a carehome and despite the home knowing you were sensitive to smells they still insisted in coming in and cleaning late at night, or continually did things that you'd told them would upset your relative or a carer did some of the other things you described, would you just let it go or would you complain and get them to behave reasonably? You are worth protecting. Could you have a word with your doc? At very least if he knew beforehand and you took your husband he could say no strong smelling stuff as it's bad for your health. Again, his reaction would tell you a lot

You don’t have to live like this, why stay with someone who goes out of his way to make your life a misery, life is short and we have a right to live it in peace and harmony think of yourself and let this cruel man stew in his own juice.

Only you know if he is doing these things in a nasty manner or if he is just a bumbling type with his head in the clouds and does not listen properly.
From your original post it did seem as though he was purposely doing things to aggravate you but you were trying to make it light hearted at the same time.
I think that the buying heavily scented cleaners and using them around you causing running eyes and headaches is not funny at all. He's a grown man, how many times do you have to tell him that you are allergic to these product for him to understand.
The starting loud DIY at nine o'clock at night is odd but walking in front of the tv whilst doing it is obviously trying to get on your nerves.
It's not really funny, is it?
Do you not say anything to him when he's doing these odd things?
I think he needs telling straight!

It certainly is your prerogative. However considering the content of your OP and all the replies, people are obviously concerned about you. If it was a tongue in cheek post then saying so would clear up the uncertainty. Having read your last reply, I and I would imagine many others are leaning towards it being more serious.

ginny....because I want to digest the replies and come back having given them thought!! As is my prerogative.

She did reply a few post back that she would digest the replies and then come back.
If she meant the OP to be lighthearted or in jest , why not just say so.

Is Nansnanny still there?

Nobody deliberately sprays chemicals just annoy someone they live with, he’s obviously doing the shopping and bought the wrong cleaner, just another mean and nasty inference. Maybe I’m lucky in that my wife is physically poor but mentally 100% and she can tell me what to get and what she wants.

I have to ask Namsnanny just how is your husbands mental health because taking your post literally some of the situations you mention suggest that it’s not that great and he may need help as much as yourself. If it is the onset of dementure as others have suggested, then some kind of sheltered or care accommodation is going to be needed soon

Davidh. No, it's not because he didn't prune the wisteria properly. What set alarm bells off for me, it the deliberate spraying of chemicals knowing that this would result in a severe headache for her. What's the difference between doing that and thumping her? Both result in her suffering because of his actions.
It sounds as though you are a lovely, caring partner. I'm sure you wouldn't dream of deliberately inflicting pain and distress on your wife.
Breaking her favourite stuff on purpose is also pretty nasty don't you think?

I don't think this is passive aggressive, I think it's aggressive. What is the difference between him doing something like spraying chemicals deliberately, knowing that it will give you a thumping headache, and thumping you , giving you a thumping headache?
There are many ways to assault/abuse someone. Just because there isn't any bruises, doesn't mean its not harming you.

Thank you everyone for your comments.

Particularly Davidhs,

I hope to digest the replies and comment later.

I stand by my mean and nasty comments if she did leave him he could enjoy life without commitments and she would be much worse off.
I’m sorry for those of you have had such miserable lives that you think the worst of everything, or are you just man haters, you have my sympathy.

No, no, no - making someone unhappy enough to write a sizeable complaint on this site is a huge unkindness and totally disrespectful to someone you’re meant to cherish...or why are you married if not to please one another in your later years? After all the early struggles with children, mortgages and job losses etc surely we can be KIND to one another when we are most in need of it i.e. in poor health?

Wellingtonpie, no I just happen to have a disabled wife who cannot now garden, or cook or walk or even dress herself, so it is down to me to be 24/7 carer. I’m happy to do that, we’ve been married for 50 yrs, luckily I’m reasonably fit and can do it, it could have been the other way round her caring for me.

She is certainly frustrated that she cannot now do what she used to and has accepted that I do things differently. For my part, it’s not what we planned for retirement but you do what has to be done, it’s not happened suddenly but over the last 2 yrs it has got progressively worse so for me it’s been a gradual change. Our daughter lives close by and gives me a break every week, medics and social services have been good so we cope well enough

Namsnanny ended her post with “Hey ho exciting life eh”
So her husbands failings did not bother her that much and I think those posts that suggested she leave him were mean and nasty, way over the top.
But then there are people like that!

Are namsnanny and Davidhs husband and wife. Sounds like it to me.

Why don't you ask him why he's trying to drive you out of your own home, because, to me, it sounds as though that is exactly what he's doing. He obviously hasn't got the guts to confront you directly so he's provoking you. This is unreasonable behaviour and grounds for divorce.

He sounds like he has taken a leaf out of the book of a two year old who bangs on an upturned saucepan to see how long mum can stand it before it is taken away. They never quite grow out of it.

You could discuss it with him. Tell him 'kindly' that his actions appear to be rather childish and perhaps he is seeking attention and what is it he wants that will make him feel better - then put your hat and coat on and go and enjoy yourself without him so that he does not have an audience.

CrazyH yes a nunber of people are night owls including myself on occasion

However my mother in law was not and her night activities started with the onset of dementia.
Her activities upset and annoyed her neighbours.
And unfortunately she no longer had the understanding or the ability to take onboard that her behaviour was causing great upset to others.

Which was why I suggested the possibility of Dementia

I hope you live in a detached house - I live in a semi, and if my neighbour did all that drilling and banging about at night I'd be round there straight away!

Why does your husband behave as you describe? Has he always been an inconsiderate and insensitive git?

I'm surprised your neighbours don't complain banging and using drills at that time of night as for knowing your allergies and making them worse using cleaning products he needs to grow up

Nothing to do with ill think he is just a bully. Time for him to go and reclaim your life.

I'm getting a bit worried now ....Vascular dementia? I am definitely a night person. I have been known to cook at midnight especially for a dinner party. I tidy my cupboards in the night. I check and reply to emails at night. Amazon orders at night. And I have been known to hoover at night. I get up only at about 9a.m. and am no good to anyone till about 12noon.

Perhaps OP will come back and tell us the way she actually meant the post to come across.

If he is not I’ll in any way then it is not passive aggressive. Just plain nasty and certainly aggressive.