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passive agressive or is it me??

(80 Posts)
Namsnanny Tue 29-Jan-19 00:00:39

For the umpteenth time I'm sat here in a cloud of chemical perfume.

I have allergies to a great many things which include all modern cleaners especially if they have scent made from chemicals. Which leaves me sneezing, itchy eyes and with a huge headache.
So, when ever my h decides he's had enough of me he picks one of his many passive aggressive activities to let me know just how much!!

The above is one of his go to choices but here is a short version of some of the others:

* DIY ok useful enough hobby, but he doesn't start until
9 o'clock at night!!! Just when the decent telly gets going!
(and there isn't much of that either is there?)
Banging, sawing, drilling (yes electric drill) walking
in front of the TV with a 6ft long levelling contraption -
flicking his retractable tape measure in out, in out, in
out, in out............
Yeee Gods!!

* Cleaning something (that I've already cleaned!!) with the
strongest smelling product he can sneak into the house.
(No amount of pleading or explaining stops him
buying it believe me, I've tried Oh how I've tried!!)

* Breaking anything I like (I love stained glass).
Garden plant pots, vases, photos, anything, anything at
all.
The more I treasure it the more likely it will be broken!!

* The garden is a war zone. I cant do much anymore so I
have to rely on him, but pruning is a nightmare. I
explained how to prune Wisteria, took him a cup of tea
and watched every snipity snip he made for an hour
and a half. Went to answer the phone, came back to find
all of next years shoots on the floor like 1 foot deep
confetti!!! Took 10+ years to get any flowers on it.
I'll be lucky if the poor thing flowers any time soon!!

Got a gazzilion more examples but don't want to waste your time anymore than I already have!!

Just want to vent and cool off smile.

Anyway think of me scouring the back of the kitchen cabinets tonight, looking for rogue bottles of kitchen cleaner, or hiding the retractable tape measure, I wonder if I can think of a good place .........hummmmmmm?????(wink)

Heyho exciting life I lead eh??!! (grin)

crazyH Tue 29-Jan-19 00:34:33

Just thought I'd check in ....Made me laugh ....now can't get to sleep ...this picture you so vividly portrayed has got me in stitches 😀😀😀😀

muffinthemoo Tue 29-Jan-19 00:55:55

Itching powder in all his knickers

Namsnanny Tue 29-Jan-19 00:56:58

Hi CrazyH, Well at least your awake laughing hey, and not because of the usual reason (I've read some of your posts, similar to my situation at times).

Hope you get some ZZZzz's soon!!

Day6 Tue 29-Jan-19 01:02:42

So, what are his good qualities?

What makes you stay with him?
Please tell me you confront him about this strange behaviour. If you think his actions are deliberate, to annoy you and cause you physical suffering ( with the allergies) as well as hurting you by breaking things precious to you, why are you putting up with it?

I like an easy life, but I wouldn't let my man spoil it for me like this. I hope you are able to speak to family members of someone close to you about this nastiness of his.

FountainPen Tue 29-Jan-19 01:08:15

You sound like you have a good sense of humour and that's one of the best ways to disarm the passive aggressor.

Don a mask and googles.
Grab his tape measure and start measuring bits of him or ask if he needs help putting that shelf up straight so things don't keep sliding off the end.
If you miss your favourite programme, just smile, switch off and say it wasn't that interesting. You can always watch it later on catch up when he's not there.
Next thing he breaks say thanks, I never liked it anyway.
The wisteria clippings. Good. I can make a start on building a bonfire for the GCs to enjoy next November.

You get the picture. If he's doing these things to annoy you and you let them he'll go on doing them. The best way to disarm someone is not to rise to their bait.

Namsnanny Tue 29-Jan-19 01:10:12

muffinthemoo, He looks so innocent sometimes. With a 'What have I done?' look on his face. I really don't know if he is on the Aspergers spectrum or a died in the wool narcissist!!

When my danders up I'd like to do far worse than itching power, but at other times I wonder if I should be more sympathetic or understanding towards him?

Nuts I know!

Ginny42 Tue 29-Jan-19 01:26:20

With a gazillion examples of this cruel and selfish behaviour, I wonder what exactly you can do to change a person with so many ways of hurting/annoying you. If you've lived with this man for many years, it's not going to get better is it? Make sure you stay safe, as breathing difficulties caused by inhalation of chemicals can leave you struggling to breathe.

You must love him very much to tolerate his actions. Breaking your treasured things? I simply could not live with someone who treated me in this way.

annep1 Tue 29-Jan-19 02:24:08

Why are you with this man? He works in front of the television when you are watching, breaks your things? He's abusive.

BlueBelle Tue 29-Jan-19 04:47:56

Annepl I would think this is a tongue in cheek post

TwiceAsNice Tue 29-Jan-19 06:24:54

I doesn’t feel like tongue in cheek to me I too think it’s abusive. Why would you deliberately be nasty to someone you’re supposed to love if you’re not abusive

M0nica Tue 29-Jan-19 06:40:23

I quite agree with you TwiceAsNice. I call this abusive, with nothing passive about his aggression.

I think I would be confronting this behaviour (I would have done it years ago, when it started) and if he cannot explain his behaviour and is not prepared to modify it, then the future of the whole relationship should be up for discussion.

Davidhs Tue 29-Jan-19 07:00:12

I have a wife very similar to yourself, allergic to everything, becoming quite disabled physically, but still wants things done exactly the way she would have done it. I’ve even pruned the garden wrongly, just as you describe, occasionally things do get broken I am not as careful as her but with every shelf and windowsill cluttered with ornaments it is enevitable.
I’m sorry I’m not perfect I’m doing my best because I love you, but I promise never to start DIY at 9pm

sandwichgeneration Tue 29-Jan-19 09:52:05

Sounds a bit ASC(D) to me. However much you tell them something, it doesn't go in as they are so wrapped up in their own world. Also, the clumsiness can be associated with this condition (dyspraxia). It doesn't make them horrible people, just excruciating to live with.

CarlyD7 Tue 29-Jan-19 10:08:23

There's a lot of anger underneath all his actions - I wonder why? When did it start? Or has he always been like this? How would he like your lives to be different? Forgive me for asking this - does he feel told off all the time (whether or not that's true)? Is he frustrated with his life and you're the nearest person to take it out on? It sounds like the pair of you are not communicating at some level and the only thing he can do is try to annoy you. If you two can't find a way to talk about what's going on, then, in your shoes, I'd be off to Relate (who are very good at coaxing out things not said elsewhere).

maryhoffman37 Tue 29-Jan-19 10:11:48

Why do you put up with it? Why are you still with him?

Lisagran Tue 29-Jan-19 10:19:08

I agree with maryhoffman. Why are you still allowing this to go on? You have put a humorous slant on it, but these actions are not funny at all. Seems like your meaningful communication levels are at zero. You should do something about this flowers. Look after yourself

annep1 Tue 29-Jan-19 10:19:08

Bluebelle perhaps you're right. But I wouldn't find it acceptable or funny.

madeline Tue 29-Jan-19 10:19:31

I know what I'd do. Start squirrelling money away, bide your time, then kick him out.

Annaram1 Tue 29-Jan-19 10:19:57

I would just divorce him. End of.

grannytotwins Tue 29-Jan-19 10:20:51

That’s abuse. Clear and simple. There’s nothing funny about it at all.

mabon1 Tue 29-Jan-19 10:23:08

Why are you still living together?

EmilyHarburn Tue 29-Jan-19 10:42:54

Stop putting up with this. You are in an abusive, coercive, demeaning relationship with someone who may well be calculating how to make you miserable and enjoying the outcome.

I think you should start a diary where you log these abusive behaviours with time and date and what went on before his action and what happened after the negative action.

I think you should make an appointment with a Relate therapist or similar professional and take the log with you and discuss it in order to plan your response.

Good Luck

B9exchange Tue 29-Jan-19 10:43:17

I do wonder how much of this is just plain thoughtlessness? From the tone of the OP I doubt the breakages are deliberate, just clumsy. Likewise the DiY at night, it probably never occurs to him that he is blocking your view, unless you specifically point it out. DH breaks things, he had a habit of doing his exercises in the evening between me and the television, when I pointed out how annoying this was, he had no idea, it genuinely had never occurred to him! Marching in, picking up the remote and changing channels is another of his habits I had to break, but it can be done as long as you make a joke of it.

Sadly men are not clairvoyant, it has to be spelt out several times! smile

GabriellaG54 Tue 29-Jan-19 10:45:50

In my area, banging, sawing and the use of electrical tools such as drills, are banned after 8pm and will receive a visit from Environmental Health dept if someone complains.
Try complaining to them. You don't have to say it's your DH/OH making the noise.
I'm so so glad to be single/divorced with no-one else to consider or annoy me.
Anyway...good luck and I hope your allergies soon clear up. He isn't being fair OR loving to you.