My father is still alive

Thank you debsfl when I look back I sometimes wonder how me and my siblings survived our childhood but somehow we did (well all but one of us).

Mine was like that. I tolerated him for my mother’s sake until she had died, then I dumped him. But his shadow hung over me until he died. When they rang from his care home to say he had gone, I put the phone down, sat down, and it was as if a weight on my shoulders just lifted, hovered in the air for a moment, and then floated away. I’ll never forget that feeling.

Silverlady you have to be one to know one. People with normal families find it hard to understand but it goes deep. I have achieved more than my friends because you have an I will show them attitude. Maybe it is looking for approval. Just stick in there and remember there are a lot of us in that sort of position. I had a lesser person feeling which was silly. I do send all good wishes to you.

?? exactly Camelot

FFS stop contacting him! And do try and get some therapy.

You deserve to enjoy your life. I have discovered that the narcissist in my immediate family is best ignored & kept at arm’s length. Not always easy but at least you have an ocean between you. Good luck.

Thank goodness he moved away - that was good luck for you. He's just trying to exercise power over you - what a nasty little man. Don't have anything more to do with him - I certainly wouldn't be 'phoning to wish him well. Should he decide to contact you, keep it short and have as little to do with him as possible. As PP said - he is just the sperm donor.

Father in name only. You can wash your hands of him now not when he dies. You'll never forget but you need to talk to someone. You do need help of some kind. I hope you can find peace and get to move on and enjoy the people in your life that bring you happiness. Big hugs.

Silverlady79. I admire you for even keeping in touch with this excuse for a man after your mother had passed away. Why should you have feelings for him ? you owe him nothing after the way he treated you both. I am sorry you feel you have no trust for a man, understandable but why let this feeling spoil you from having male friendship one bad apple doesn't spoil the rest in the basket. Can you not obtain support to 'offload' these feelings?. Were it myself I wouldn't hesitate to see a doctor who is the one to put you on the right course.
Don't give up

Please get counselling....you owe that to yourself. You will then be able to move on. xxx

Interesting. Both my ex hubby & my partner had abusive fathers. Terrible husbands too their Mum's. I never understand why they give them a 2nd thought. Also why Mother's allowed their children to see abuse. Only as I got older I realised the options were different then. I get annoyed when ppl talk about ' The good old day's'...What ? When it was almost impossible for women to leave. Many couldn't have own bank accounts. Mortgages & rent definitely not. Sorry on a rant. Going back to op. Don't waste your energy love. ?❤

I too spent many years trying to get approval from my dismissive and controlling father, despite standing up to.him. After he died someone said imagine him sitting in that chair and say everything you ever wanted to him. I couldn't, but after that I never bothered about what he thought of me again.

^I have no feelings for him but do communicate with him.
.........I just wish for him to pop his nasty little clogs and then I can wash my hands of him. ^

Silverlady,
After the way you were treated, your resentment is understandable and justifiable. He's earned every bit of it!

Adult children often feel duty bound to maintain ties with an abusive parent solely out of guilt or the need for an approval that seldom materializes. Severe abusers don't deserve any privileges and they are not 'owed' anything.

Write him a letter saying what you really think of him and how much you would like to wash your hands of him....be sure to mention why. Let out your true feelings towards him by putting them all in writing. Don't hold back.

I suspect you won't be sending it, but it will be a release of much pent up resentment and a good first step towards healing. Being angry with someone doesn't mean you don't love them. Just keep in mind that he is the one who is badly flawed, not you.

there’s a part of me that wants to draw a line under this and just sort of forget the old bastard.

Yes, do that. He's still the same old git who has nothing good to offer you.
How fortunate that he is a few thousand miles away from you.

Unfortunately this parents death will not necessarily free the OP from her shackles it will just add another layer of confused emotions! as many have said counselling will help her and that’s her best route forward

My father was an abysmal dad but a wonderful grandfather. My mother was taught that the man was always right (!!!!), so rarely stood up to him. He left the family home when I was 17 and away at nurse training. The repurcussions are still echoing through our family 50 years later,
I severed contact with my mother and 4 of my sibling 40 years ago, to protect myself and my daughter. I still do not have any contact with 2 of them! (Very complex, complicated back history that includes abuse!).
It isn't easy to walk away, even harder to stay away, but the freedom is worth all the heartache and guilt.
At 93 he is never going to change, never going to be the father of your dreams and while you still contact him, your father will continue to manipulate your feelings.
Let go, take your life firmly by the hand and walk into a bright freedom.

I would recommend counseling. I never thought it would work for me but it did. It all depends on the councillor you go to.
At the age of 60 I saw a really lovely lady councillor who I opened up to, and she was so empathetic. Childhood abuse that I had never spoken about to a soul was realeased, and it was like a weight lifted from me.

I would recommend you write him a letter, telling him what you felt like growing up. Get it all out on paper. Either send it to him or burn it. If you send it you could explain that you're done with him. No more communication.

Silverlady well by blocking him you have started to draw that line in the sand. Block/delete his number on any phone you have and throw away his number so you can't weaken. I do also recommend the book Toxic Parents a very interesting read which may well explain a lot to you.

He has clearly always been a negative influence in your life and as an adult you no longer have to take it. Seems there is no sign of any regret on his part so just shut him out of your life. As others have said you are worth so much more.

Start your life over without this man. I find that when bad memories return it helps if I acknowledge them, thank them for reminding me and then stating - sometimes verbally - that I have no desire to think about it.

Good luck xx

This Be The Verse
BY PHILIP LARKIN
They fuck you up, your mum and dad.
They may not mean to, but they do.
They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,
Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

To be honest, your mother might have been relieved he had a mistress to "divert his attention". I had a similar experience with my father and it leaves its mark. Let him go, it's his problem not yours.

I have a horrible father too who enjoyed psychological torture. He saw no point in a second child and his favourite saying was 'why can't you be like your sister'.
I moved back to England at 19 and was surprised to find that I was getting along with people, enjoying work which had a good social crown and life was fun. I remember the exact place and time as I walked home and realised that it was only one person who thought that I was a waste of space and that I didn't have to have him in my life. I did see him once more since then but he just confirmed the fact that I had been right.
Why do you keep in touch? It sounds a bit masochistic. It is an accident of birth that he is your father.
I think for a while it is natural to think that you can get through to people but you know that that is not going to happen. I was often tempted to write to my father but I know that then I would also have to deal with his denial, or he would blame my mother. Nothing is ever his fault. I don't think I have ever heard him apologise for anything. You should protect yourself which means protecting your mental health.

Write him a letter and remind him of all the cruel, unkind things he has said and done to you. Tell him you will not be communicating with him any more unless he can find something in his heart to explain why he's treated you in this way, and apologise.
End by saying 'May God forgive you'

Thank you so much for sharing this. Amazing. For those lucky folks who enjoyed a loving, solid childhood, thank your lucky stars, as it is impossible to imagine what those of us who did not, have been through. Too awful to write here.

Are you sure his nastiness will go away when he dies? It's fixed in your head now and needs to be removed asap. This sounds like 'Elinor Oliphant is completely fine' - perhaps try reading that to see what has happened to you more clearly.