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My father is still alive

(104 Posts)
Silverlady79 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:12:42

He is 90 something today. About 13 years ago, six weeks after my mum died (married 50 years) he upped sticks and left the village we all lived in. He went to Canada with a woman who apparently he had been having an affair with many years ago. I hadn't known my mum knew about it and stuck by him (and him by her)

He was a violent abusive intimidating father who delighted in throwing me down the stairs or hanging me against the wall. I have no feelings for him but do communicate with him. At the age of 63 I am very damaged and don't trust men. I just wish for him to pop his nasty little clogs and then I can wash my hands of him.

There are probably a whole load of us damaged in one way or the other. And that damage runs through us no matter our age.

I rang him today to wish him well, he said snidely, you're still the same girl aren't you in a vicious way. I said in a good way or bad. He didn't answer. Thankyou for reading, oh it's been so good to offload this - and I send everyone else who has been through the hell of a narcissistic cruel parent my love.

B9exchange Tue 05-Feb-19 17:18:56

Oh goodness, you poor soul, you need more than a rant on here, you need to let it out in a proper counselling session, don't let him win by continuing to damage the rest of your life. I am worried that you are still communicating with him, still seeking approval and hurt when you just get a vicious swipe back.

Please do seek help.

Lily65 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:23:20

At 63, you've done your bit and time to move on/let go. Easier said than done. Find a really great therapist and work your way through this abuse. You will come out the other side stronger.

agnurse Tue 05-Feb-19 17:27:21

I second the therapist. You might also benefit from reading Toxic Parents.

MacCavity2 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:29:49

Oh dear Silverlady79. My father was just the same but I fought back and B9exchange you are so right about children continuing to seek approval. It’s only when we recognise this and see these people as the sad sick people they are that we can help ourselves. I always refer to my father as the “sperm diner”. No way was he a father.

MacCavity2 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:31:19

Sperm doner

silverlining48 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:37:05

Your third paragraph says it all, I understand only too well yet find it surprising you still contact him. You know he will say something cruel, why put yourself through it. You deserve better.
Would agree with the others who suggest you find someone to talk this through with, if you havnt already done so. Parents, yes they can f..k you up whether accidentally or deliberately. Wishing you peace.

Telly Tue 05-Feb-19 17:39:09

Hmm. I would be inclined to make that your last communication with him. He can't damage you any more unless you allow it. Others have suggested counselling which sounds like a good idea. Wishing you well.

Lily65 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:40:18

The inner child still searches.

Lily65 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:40:19

The inner child still searches.

PECS Tue 05-Feb-19 17:40:23

I think I echo others' suggestion of counselling. Enjoy the autumn years in sunshine not your father's unpleasant shadow.

Day6 Tue 05-Feb-19 17:52:30

Yes, Silverlady - this abusive man has had his life - a long one. He cheated on your mother too and probably enjoyed the fact that she knew. He sounds thoroughly selfish and as if age hasn't made him more kind, reflective and mellow.

This is your time so don't let him carry on hurting you. Don't let any sort of familial guilt make you contact him again. He is unworthy of your time or concern.

I had wonderful parents but a husband I allowed to make me feel less than I am. Mental and physical cruelty leaves such deep scars.

Sort yourself out now if you can, and by that I mean put all your time and effort into getting counselling or reading about the effects of cruelty in your formative years - or seek out groups of people who may have suffered at the hands of a bully.

Please move on from him if you can. He does not deserve anything from you. He is merely a man who made a child, and not in any way a loving father.

Madgran77 Tue 05-Feb-19 18:08:26

Get counselling! You deserve it! flowers

megan123 Tue 05-Feb-19 18:12:00

I am so sorry Silverlady79 he does not deserve you. Please try to move on from him, seek counselling or a support group to help you; the damage and hurt run so deep and throughout life.

I hope you can find some peace flowers\

Luckygirl Tue 05-Feb-19 18:26:28

Counselling might help you to do what you really do need to do - walk away from this. 63 years have passed since you were born and he is still pulling the strings - you have the choice not to let this happen and need to seek the advice and support that will help you to do this.

SalsaQueen Tue 05-Feb-19 18:40:32

What a horrible old man. He has been a nasty, abusive father (and continues to be), and was a cheating husband.

What do you get out of keeping in touch with him? If it were me, I'd have turned my back on him many years ago.

crazyH Tue 05-Feb-19 18:48:13

My goodness, how awful for you. I can't begin to imagine how you've managed to deal with all those memories. I know counselling has been suggested and I hope it works for you. Someone suggested a support group. I found that more helpful than counselling because everyone there has been through similar. My issue was totally different and self indulgent. I couldnt cope with my husband's affair and eventually leaving me. It was so comforting to meet with people going through the same.
Wish you all the best Silverlady flowers

BlueBelle Tue 05-Feb-19 18:56:55

Why do you ring a man who was physically and mentally abusive to you and cheated on your poor mum ? Why did you not just let him go to Canada and wave him goodbye
He’s a very old man who lives a long way away why are you picking the scab
If someone has poisoned you why keep drinking from the cup
Get help and ring him no more you are no
longer a child the power is in your hands take the control back and good luck 🌷

BradfordLass72 Tue 05-Feb-19 19:39:02

Silverlady Do you see what he's doing? Do you see what you are doing?

He's told you for so long that it's your fault, you're unworthy and deserve punishment, that you've believed it and keep going back for the punishment he's taught you to deserve.

He's wrong, absolutely wrong.
You deserve a much better life than to be still dancing to his evil tune.

KatyK Tue 05-Feb-19 19:40:42

It's a very strange thing. My father was a violent, abusive, self centred alcoholic. When I was a child I used to pray that he would die. Yet when he was older and having problems, all us siblings helped him. I have no idea why.

Lily65 Tue 05-Feb-19 20:11:36

Katy, exactly. Life just isn't that simple.

Luckygirl Tue 05-Feb-19 20:15:39

It is complex indeed, and this is why Silverlady needs help from a counsellor or support group to move on.

I am aware that at the age of 70, my mother's problems and the way they impinged on me, are still a feature of my being.

Dawn22 Tue 05-Feb-19 22:05:25

My Dad will be 90 as well soon and though good in his own way l am tired of all the visiting and all the same stories and not getting on with my siblings because we are all held in a tight grasp by my Dad. Tired of it all. Best of luck to you and me on this journey.

52bright Wed 06-Feb-19 01:54:35

So many posts which resonate with me. The complexities of troubled parent/child relationships. I remember issues which have impacted on my whole life. Yet like a previous poster I've been there for my father in a big way during his last illness. The pull of family is so strong and every family is different. In my case I had love as well.

Heart felt sympathy Silverlady 79. Please don't let this manipulative man spoil your autumn years. Parents who deliberately constantly bring you down play havoc with your self esteem and, as a previous post said, leave some part of the inner child crying out for an approval which will never be wholeheartedly given.

Do seek out the type of support which is right for you. One piece of advice I've picked up, probably from wise gransnetters is that you can't change others. You can only change the way you respond to them. Best wishes.

Jobey68 Wed 06-Feb-19 06:54:05

Well age has clearly done nothing to mellow him, I’m sorry you have grown up with the very person who should love and protect you doing the exact opposite and all credit to you for keeping in contact, this shows you’ve become a far better person than he is that’s for sure!

I grew up in a household where dad was very much the boss and although he wasn’t cruel in any way he was stern and his way was right end of story. It took my mums death to begin to mellow him and now the addition of great grandchildren and he’s putty in their hands at the age of 80, a huge contrast to the dad we grew up with!

You certainly don’t owe him anything and you are not a bad person if you shut him from your life completely, do what makes you happy and don’t be bought down any longer by him Xx