My father is still alive

I am bowled over by your input. Thankyou. Such sensible advice. I have blocked him from FaceTiming me yesterday and tbh have been having counselling for the consequences of my childhood (eating disordered) .... I wondered why I contacted him and like a poster said, probably looking for the dad I wanted and didn’t get and I’m always ...just always...looking for his approval and love ...well, that ain’t never going to come is it!!! It must b a gilded life where you spread such damage and never own up to it but think you are the god given one. I cannot afford any ore counselling so am off to look for a women’s group, good suggestion. However, there’s a part of me that wants to draw a line under this and just sort of forget the old bastard.

‘The greater the power the more dangerous the abuse’.
Edmund Burke.

Get help as fast as possible so you can heal the child that is still crying after so many years Allow yourself the privilege of growing after all this time of being harmed You are the only person (with he,p) who can change this, your father won’t
Please get some abuse counselling and perhaps join a survivors group you will be amazed at how freeing and empowering it is You will be a new woman with so much weight off your shoulders you deserve this and your father deserves no attention from you It’s sad to lose a parent but he should be dead to you now
Good luck

Silverlady, I wish I could give you a hug. This truly dreadful excuse for a father is better out of your life. For your own sake don't contact him, delete and block his number. Look after yourself. You were a child, his child but he was cruel. Have faith in your self, you are by far the better person.

Well age has clearly done nothing to mellow him, I’m sorry you have grown up with the very person who should love and protect you doing the exact opposite and all credit to you for keeping in contact, this shows you’ve become a far better person than he is that’s for sure!

I grew up in a household where dad was very much the boss and although he wasn’t cruel in any way he was stern and his way was right end of story. It took my mums death to begin to mellow him and now the addition of great grandchildren and he’s putty in their hands at the age of 80, a huge contrast to the dad we grew up with!

You certainly don’t owe him anything and you are not a bad person if you shut him from your life completely, do what makes you happy and don’t be bought down any longer by him Xx

So many posts which resonate with me. The complexities of troubled parent/child relationships. I remember issues which have impacted on my whole life. Yet like a previous poster I've been there for my father in a big way during his last illness. The pull of family is so strong and every family is different. In my case I had love as well.

Heart felt sympathy Silverlady 79. Please don't let this manipulative man spoil your autumn years. Parents who deliberately constantly bring you down play havoc with your self esteem and, as a previous post said, leave some part of the inner child crying out for an approval which will never be wholeheartedly given.

Do seek out the type of support which is right for you. One piece of advice I've picked up, probably from wise gransnetters is that you can't change others. You can only change the way you respond to them. Best wishes.

My Dad will be 90 as well soon and though good in his own way l am tired of all the visiting and all the same stories and not getting on with my siblings because we are all held in a tight grasp by my Dad. Tired of it all. Best of luck to you and me on this journey.

It is complex indeed, and this is why Silverlady needs help from a counsellor or support group to move on.

I am aware that at the age of 70, my mother's problems and the way they impinged on me, are still a feature of my being.

Katy, exactly. Life just isn't that simple.

It's a very strange thing. My father was a violent, abusive, self centred alcoholic. When I was a child I used to pray that he would die. Yet when he was older and having problems, all us siblings helped him. I have no idea why.

Silverlady Do you see what he's doing? Do you see what you are doing?

He's told you for so long that it's your fault, you're unworthy and deserve punishment, that you've believed it and keep going back for the punishment he's taught you to deserve.

DO NOT BELIEVE THIS RUBBISH.
He's wrong, absolutely wrong.
You deserve a much better life than to be still dancing to his evil tune.

Why do you ring a man who was physically and mentally abusive to you and cheated on your poor mum ? Why did you not just let him go to Canada and wave him goodbye
He’s a very old man who lives a long way away why are you picking the scab
If someone has poisoned you why keep drinking from the cup
Get help and ring him no more you are no
longer a child the power is in your hands take the control back and good luck ?

My goodness, how awful for you. I can't begin to imagine how you've managed to deal with all those memories. I know counselling has been suggested and I hope it works for you. Someone suggested a support group. I found that more helpful than counselling because everyone there has been through similar. My issue was totally different and self indulgent. I couldnt cope with my husband's affair and eventually leaving me. It was so comforting to meet with people going through the same.
Wish you all the best Silverlady

What a horrible old man. He has been a nasty, abusive father (and continues to be), and was a cheating husband.

What do you get out of keeping in touch with him? If it were me, I'd have turned my back on him many years ago.

Counselling might help you to do what you really do need to do - walk away from this. 63 years have passed since you were born and he is still pulling the strings - you have the choice not to let this happen and need to seek the advice and support that will help you to do this.

I am so sorry Silverlady79 he does not deserve you. Please try to move on from him, seek counselling or a support group to help you; the damage and hurt run so deep and throughout life.

I hope you can find some peace \

Get counselling! You deserve it!

Yes, Silverlady - this abusive man has had his life - a long one. He cheated on your mother too and probably enjoyed the fact that she knew. He sounds thoroughly selfish and as if age hasn't made him more kind, reflective and mellow.

This is your time so don't let him carry on hurting you. Don't let any sort of familial guilt make you contact him again. He is unworthy of your time or concern.

I had wonderful parents but a husband I allowed to make me feel less than I am. Mental and physical cruelty leaves such deep scars.

Sort yourself out now if you can, and by that I mean put all your time and effort into getting counselling or reading about the effects of cruelty in your formative years - or seek out groups of people who may have suffered at the hands of a bully.

Please move on from him if you can. He does not deserve anything from you. He is merely a man who made a child, and not in any way a loving father.

I think I echo others' suggestion of counselling. Enjoy the autumn years in sunshine not your father's unpleasant shadow.

The inner child still searches.

The inner child still searches.

Hmm. I would be inclined to make that your last communication with him. He can't damage you any more unless you allow it. Others have suggested counselling which sounds like a good idea. Wishing you well.

Your third paragraph says it all, I understand only too well yet find it surprising you still contact him. You know he will say something cruel, why put yourself through it. You deserve better.
Would agree with the others who suggest you find someone to talk this through with, if you havnt already done so. Parents, yes they can f..k you up whether accidentally or deliberately. Wishing you peace.

Sperm doner

Oh dear Silverlady79. My father was just the same but I fought back and B9exchange you are so right about children continuing to seek approval. It’s only when we recognise this and see these people as the sad sick people they are that we can help ourselves. I always refer to my father as the “sperm diner”. No way was he a father.