My father is still alive

Silverlady, how are you feeling today? Please, please seek some support - you sound to be at a very low ebb. As another poster has just suggested, contact the Samaritans if you are feeling that you can’t go on. You know, you can - you are strong, but I dare say you aren’t feeling that right now. You are so much more than the man who is your biological Father, and you can beat his influencene. He is the one with the problem, not you, but his nastiness is wearing you down, and eating at your self esteem even though he is thousands of miles away.
Please seek support - go to your gp for the first step. There is help out there.
Take care, and keep posting here.

I am feeling it’s not worth going on.

Silverlady,
Don't let feelings of guilt or fear continue to govern your actions.

Your guilt is perfectly understandable, but not necessary. It's normal to love a parent no matter how flawed he/she is..... You can love a bad parent and be angry with them at the same time. Loving someone doesn't mean we have to give them what they don't deserve and we shouldn't feel guilty over that.

You are likely suffering from PTSD (Post Traumatic Stress Disorder). He can no longer hurt you physically and you know that. Yet you still suffer the emotional toll of being physically abused by someone who was supposed to love you and protect you. Wishing him dead is anger speaking but that is not a failure on your part. Remember, he's the one who failed you!

Even after all these years, the anguish he caused you continues to plague you even today....that is a textbook definition of post traumatic stress. A good therapist can help rid you of his toxic influence and heal you for once and for all.

Please get help as soon as possible and please come back from time to time and let us know how you are doing! You have a lot of people on this forum who genuinely care.

Silverlady please get help - don't despair - take care of yourself - you deserve it

Wise words, nana58

I too wished my nasty parent dead. I was fortunate enough to have years of therapy, which enabled me to think about how this had affected my life and to reduce the limitations I lived with. When she finally did die the therapy helped me to cope with the confusing mix of feelings that descended. I had anticipated the relief but not the guilt and the continued grief for the mother I never had.
I encourage you to find a therapist ( I think if you go on to the B.A.C.P. Website there is a helpful search tool) Some will have a sliding scale of fees it will be expensive and it’s unfair that we have to pay but, in my experience, it’s worth making a few sacrifices to live a freer life. My very best wishes to you.

I too am very alarmed by the state ment(I can't go on any more

You owe this man nothing at all.
If you wish, continue to acknowledge Christmas and birthdays with a card, but leave it at that.

sorry about the word not......don't know how that appeared.

Silver, I have sent you a PM. I would urge you to do 2 things TODAY.

Contact your GP and have a chat.

Find a reputable, registered counsellor. I'm going to be harsh not, you say you can't afford it but perhaps there are things you can cut back to facilitate this. You could go alternate weeks.

Silverlady, I'm quite alarmed to hear that you feel like that.
You definitely sound as if you need some real-life help.
So many people here have suggested talking with a counsellor, or you could phone the Samaritans if you need to talk to someone right away.
www.samaritans.org/how-we-can-help-you/contact-us

You deserve to be free of that horrible man.

I am feeling it’s not worth going on. I am so very tired of these emotions. A hideous dream last night where I fought him off and screamed out has bought me to the pit of despair and tearfulness. . I am63 and dreaming of still being chased by him. When is it going to end. Ablthough ive blocked him for some reason I feel guilty. I know, irs crazy!

its time to let go. get a balloon and write all the things your father said nasty to you on a message label .and let it go. don't speak to him .just send a card now and then.....what he done was plain nasty and you should not feel guilty by giving him the boot......

I would side with all the other ladies who have suggested getting a good councillor, they are worth their weight in gold and could help you to get this horrible man out of your life.

You are still young enough to change your life and have a happy older age. You might even meet a lovely man to share your later years.

Good luck and please don’t let this man ruin anymore of your life.

Just don't phone or call any more.take comfort in that

I feel so sorry for you i have lost both my parents but they only gave me love and care.Everything they did was for me.My dad was a bulider and did so much work for me.I can see his love in every brick he layed.

Life can be short, you don't need this person in your life.
Families support and help each other this man did nothing for your well being it's time to move on.
If you feel counselling could work for you see your healthcare professional.
Best of luck for the future

Silverlady, I wish you peace, and I don't judge how you feel about your father. Everyone is entitled to their own judgement of their parents.

May you have light in your life.

There comes a time in everyone's life when you have to shed the damage done by parents. No one teaches them to be parents and most are certainly less than qualified. He sounds a total nightmare. Get help and get this man out of you head. You life will be happier and don't bother calling him to wish him well. That's won't help you feel any better as he won't give you any approval for it and will probably just feed his ego. You need to get rid asap.

Silverlady79 Don't you dare speak to him unless you ring & tell him to get s"""d .He still has a hold over you.
Take some self defense classes it will give you confidence.

My earlier post should have read....
UNforgiveness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person dies. Duh!

This thread has really shocked me and made me tearful. You see I lost both my parents when I was young and I have always been jealous of people whose parents lived to be old.

Yet it seems abusive parents have caused great hurt to so many and it's shocking to read. You were the innocents but you are still suffering all these years later.

Silverlady79 and all who have suffered from abusive parents, please get the help you need to free yourselves from the chains that bind you to the perpetrators. Love yourself enough to seek professional help. No more contact, no more seeking approval from someone not fit to walk the same earth as you.

Yes good post with advice Bridgeit. As least your dad is far away and you don't have to meet, maybe just stop contact with him.

Ring him back, to thank him for reminding you that yes you are still that girl, in fact so much so that you forgive him for his pathetic attempt to upset & belittle you & to tell him that you are proud to be the person you are & thoroughly relieved not to have turned out like him ! Big hug & best wishes , you don’t need his approval & he doesn’t deserve your love or compassion , just your pity .
Hugs & best wishes to you.

Sorry should have said and we don't want to see him

I am new to gransnet and this has been such an insight for me my dad is 91 and still controls my mum who has dementia against the family he will not let me or my sister get carers in he is arrogant when we try to help her she is near late stage she is confused and has hallucinations he has always been a bully to my sister and me but not my brother who he thinks is marvellous there have been so many incidents of his nastiness over the years and we are don't want to see him but go for my mums sake