Wedding Top Table

I would hope both mother and father of the bride care more about their daughter's happiness than their own dented pride. Her dad needs to grow up and stop being petulant. I understand that he has been closer to her during her formative years but she wants this arrangement for her wedding. He needs to be the best kind of dad and support her.

Congratulations on your sd's upcoming marriage! I totally get your and dh's being upset about the seating arrangements, but young people, today, often do things differently. SD may just be doing what she thinks is youthful, modern, and fun.

Sure, maybe it's because of her mother. Maybe she doesn't want her at the Top Table, but is afraid she'll hurt her feelings by having you and dh there. Or maybe she would have had you all there, but was concerned it would be a tense situation. If any of this is so, it just shows you raised a kind, caring young woman who thinks things through.

Whatever, I would try to let it go. I doubt that either you or dh would want the day ruined over who sits where. Please just enjoy the fact that she's getting married to someone she loves and, hopefully, will make her very happy.

As an add-on - my DH has just pointed out that he can understand how your DH feels, as it was us who brought her up, attended all the Parents Evenings, took her to and from her social life outings, made it through the tantrums of the teenage years and made sure she saw her DF regularly. Then, when she got married it was all about him. He gave her away, he made the Father of The Bride speech. He says that yes, it did smart a bit, but you have to remember whose day it is.

When my DD got wed 4 years ago her father and his partner sat on the top table while my DH and I occupied a round table, sitting with my DSister, DBiL and DCousin and her DH. We were a very jolly party and had far better conversations than my 1st husband and his partner - she was sitting in the very end so had no one but him to converse with. We didn’t mind a bit.

I suspect not being at the top table is feeding into some hurt that your husband is carrying around (hence the need for the public demonstration of how valuable he is). This happened at a cousin's funeral - one of the aunties (who seems to always feel she's unwanted) threw a fit because she wasnt' in the first car - she and her sister, whose daughter it was, never spoke again; and that was almost 40 years ago).

Not being a 'guy' (and hating the way that word is used to allude to a mixed group) I couldn't give an opinion.

Happysexagenarian the OP is stepmother, her husband is biologically and socially the bride's father, not her 'father'

whoever pays gets to do the organising. Any invited guest who doesn't like it is welcome to decline (preferably in good time)
If a man doesn't want to see his own daughter married because the table plan isn't the one he approves of then IMO he ought to be ashamed and the celebrations will be better for his absence

No traditional top table for my children's weddings either, at my son's wedding reception the bride and groom, best man and bridesmaids sat at a long table and the guests all sat at round tables scattered in front. It was great. My daughter had a buffet and no special tables at all! Just go with it!

My daughter and SIL had a round table which seated them, their best man and wife, and chief bridesmaid. I was on the adjoining table (my husband and I were divorced by then, and my daughter wouldn’t have him anywhere near her), SIL’s father was on a table on the other side. Convince your husband that it’s much more fun and relaxed NOT being on the top table

Since our divorce, my son has not been very close to his Dad. So, for his wedding, the top table consisted of my son, his wife, wife's parents , best man and me. My ex husband, his new wife, my daughter, her husband, my other son, his wife and daughter's parents in law were in the table in the front row. Everyone understood and no one complained.
I can fully understand her not wanting to upset her mother, unless her mother has remarried. I was single .

I would just go with the flow, having attended lots of weddings everybody seems to get mixed up and sitting where they shouldn't pretty quickly. It is a few hours. I do understand your DH being upset but it seems the F of the B often doesn't even make a speech now let alone "give away" his daughter, so just go and enjoy.

Weddings cause so many problems of this kind. I don't blame your husband for feeling very hurt when he has effectively been her 'father' all her life.

When I was part of the 'wedding industry' I was often asked about seating arrangements, especially as so many families are extended or alienated. I often suggested that the Bride & Groom, Best Man and Bride's Father had a 'top' table to themselves for the convenience of the speeches and photographs. All other parents on 'satelite tables' nearby. B&G's parents could share a table if they get along well, otherwise separate them at opposite ends of the B&G table. Extended families to be accommodated on other tables. A lot will depend on the size and style of the venue, and a clear seating plan would be a good idea. Family and Guests will usually sit where indicated without argument on the day and once the formalities are over they can get up, move around and mingle as they wish.

Time for some frank discussion with your daughter and future SIL I think. I do hope you find an amicable solution that will suit everyone.

I don't understand this wedding business. All seems so unnecessary and old fashioned. When I got married in 1968 we had three guests and went back to our bedsit for some champagne and a few telegrams ! I suppose we were art students at the time. So much money spent now, people upset, predictable boring speeches....I think I must be getting really old ! What the hell is top table? Why ? Try not to worry about it.

It's their decision. Just make sure you OH makes a fantastic FOB speech.

Seems like a sensible seating arrangement to me. Hope you enjoy the lovely day. Please remove part of your post though before the horrid media seek you out,

When my daughter got married they didn't have any set tables - everyone sat where they liked and the bride and groom went from one table to the other, chatting to everyone. By the time the speeches happened, the speech-givers were dotted all around the room. None of it matters at all - to me this is much better than the stiff formality of past wedding etiquette.

My DDand SIL had a small heart shaped table for themselves at the head of the room and two rows of round tables for everyone else. The first row consisted of one table for the best man, his partner, the adult bridesmaids and their partners, who were ushers. Another for the page boys and teenage bridemaid (to keep order) and another for parents and aunts and uncles of the bride and groom. The second row of tables for friends.

So I assume that the grooms sister is also the bridesmaid ? So she and the best man, the bride and groom, and their child will be sitting at the top table . And everyone else at normal tables - really that sounds fine to me. Your DH will get over it I'm sure - stressing about "who sits where" is not worth getting upset about.

I think they are trying to keep the peace as their mother is now back on the scene and it seems she is not on the top table either. One of the nicest weddings we went to were all of the parents had new partners themselves was no top table at all. The bride and groom sat on a table of their own and all the guests sat on tables of eight, the bridal table was in the centre with the guests tables forming a large circle around them. The best man sat with the bridesmaids and the other guests were seated appropriately so that no-one felt uncomfortable or left out. The speeches were made from the individual tables and it worked out very well.

When my husband best friend got married again he was at top table with his fist wife.Me and his wife were on a normal table.

I think this is quite normal nowadays and not meant as a slight. Two of our children’s weddings have not had a top table.

On one we were with the brides parents and uncles from both sides. On the other the families were kept on separate tables with just the Bride ,Groom, their son and daughter and the best man on the top table.

Only my youngest had a traditional top table.

I think this is a bite your tongue moment.

Is sister at top table by any chance a bridesmaid in which case it makes perfect sense. Bride, groom, best man and bridesmaid

So glad that your husband is no longer as upset about this as he was and glad the responses helped you. Have a wonderful time at the wedding!

Oh dear, now I think I have to be upset ! About 10 years ago my youngest son got married, I lived in Egypt at the time so had to fly over for the big day. the top table consisted of bride and groom, their 2 yr old daughter and the brides parents plus best man and chief bridesmaid. I was sitting at a table quite a way from the top table with my other children and grandkids. I never gave it a thought until this morning when I read this post, so I will go away and be upset for about 5 mins.