Daughter’s will and how to deal with it

I see her most days and will let you know how I get on. I haven’t had an invite yet btw. When the in laws had their 80th they sent us elaborate invites a year ahead. I must say I quite like their brass and sense of importance. DD is fed up with it.

I would tell my daughter that if she wants to be so inconsiderate as to refuse her parents'-in-laws invitation, that is her business, but that you intend to accept your invitation from them. There is no reason you both should be rude and inconsiderate, is there?

Perhaps I'm being dense, but what has the outing to the seaside to do with the lunch invitation?

Thank you all. She isn’t shy. She just is not sociable. She gives tea to her in laws every Sunday. I too think she should just do it.

It might be rude and offensive for your SIL to miss the lunch if he was in town (though if this is for his step-father, maybe he's not so enthusiastic?) but it is not rude for his wife to decline the invitation in his absence.

Since there are no children involved, your DD is in no way obligated to visit her ILs without her husband.

And no, one does not become "part of the husband's family" on marriage. A man is supposed to leave his parents and start his own family. He and his wife do not just become an extension of his parents. They do not own their DIL.

Fountainpen it sounds to me like they wouldn't understand. They are sociable and expect everyone else to be. I feel sorry for DiL.

My DD would be the same as your DD; her MIL is a very strange woman with a husband (not FIL who is deceased) who, the first time I met him years ago, was highly offensive. However, whatever she is like, I have encouraged my daughter to do what I consider is her duty but it isn't a happy relationship so I now advise her to be kind in her refusal of family invitations. I think she should only attend the most important ones and be gracious. I'm just not sure that gracious is in her vocabulary as she wears her emotions visibly!

Rocknroll5me. You sound very reasonable to me. My mother used to use me as an excuse so it was the other way round for me. I would not allow your daughter to use you like this. Try not to get "heavy" about it but just say you don't really want to and you're trying to think of how to deal with the journey to the Seaside on Mothering Sunday as the drive both ways is now too much.

If you do what she wants, against your will, on this occasion she will ask you again, and again, and again.... I was horribly upset by my mother's manipulations which always involved letting down other people. I still am and she died 7 years ago! So don't let the bad practice start. If DD doesn't go to the party just go yourself! You can be friends with inlaws despite the children! I was such good friends with my daughter's MIL! Good luck!

I think its a shame your daughter is reluctant to go to the meal. I think you need to clarify exactly why she doesn't want to go. You should not let her use you as an excuse and it would be a shame if you missed out on the event. If there is a valid reason for her not going then this needs to be explained to her in laws. Otherwise I agree with others, we all have to do things for our families which are not what we would choose but its nice to please others.

Sorry. Missed the but about them including you.

I tjink she is being unkind but if she really cant cope with that kind of meeting May be she could say that you will be visiting that day and ask if you can go too. We all have to do things that we don't want to sometimes and putting in laws above herself on a birthday is one of those times unless she has a condition that makes social interaction a serious problem in which case the in laws need to be informed so that they can be understanding.

I think it's nice that they have included you in the invitation as well as your daughter, probably they sense she may feel a bit uncomfortable without her husband being there so have made it easier for her to accept and obviously want her to be there. You don't say if you normally attend other family occasions with her inlaws, but if you don't I think this is their way of putting her at her ease by having her own mum with her as well.
Rather than make an excuse not to go, I think she should be gracious about it and you should both go.
I expect lots of us have had to attend things that we would rather not have gone to, but sometimes you have to make an extra effort for other people.

Has your daughter always had difficulty socislising? Does she have a friendship group with whom she enjoys outings or get togethers. Is she a very shy person. Perhaps she feels very uncomfortable in mixed company or large gatherings. This would perhaps explain why she would like her husband to be there to give her confidence? Perhaps a chat with her to try to understand why she is reluctant to go to this family birthday party might go some way to encourage her.

It would be polite for you both to attend the lunch and worth the effort for the brownie points in future, she might even enjoy it. I was 15 years old when I met Mr P, his family were very sociable, mine were quite introverted so I struggled with such things for many years. We moved away after marriage and I gained confidence once I realised that lots of people felt like me, I started making an effort to look for those who looked uncomfortable and chatting to them. It's a bit like taking part in a play, act out the role of a confident, friendly person and eventually you will become so. I will never be the life and soul of the party but nobody intimidates any more. Suggest this role playing to your daughter, it may help her.

Normally I would agree with everyone saying daughter should make the effort. I used to think like that with my own daughter and wonder why she didn't find her inlaws as pleasant as I did. But they were totally twofaced. Over the years I discovered how domineering and unpleasant her Fil can be, the stressful effect it had on her and on her marriage. She is now divorced.. I would say your daughter hasn't made the decision lightly. If it were me I would support my daughter.

Not going would be deeply offensive.
This small act of deception could create much bigger problems further down the line.
I am surprised that you would even think of colluding with your daughter it seems like very immature behaviour.
I hope I don’t sound too harsh but I have someone in my husbands family who behaves in a similar way and it causes huge tension.

I think you should encourage your daughter to go for the meal. There may be reasons why she feels uncomfortable with her husband's family. But if she has you there too I think it would be ungracious for her not to attend. Perhaps she could agree to go but explain to the invitee that you will both have to leave promptly after meal because .....

Sometimes in life you have to do things that you don't really want to do - politeness seems to go out of the window for some people!
Just weird that your DD would probably be happy to go if her husband was going, but not if he's not there. How rude ! Whether she likes it or not, when you marry someone, you become part of their family as well as your own.
Suggest you tell you DD that you will be going, think she should go to - but if she doesn't it will be up to her to deal with the fall out !

I think your daughter has to grow up a little, she may not want to go to the meal but has to do so for the sake of future family relationships. You're going too so she will have some support if needed.

Shame they didnt postpone the birthday lunch so that their son could go.

I don't think your DD should be encouraging you to give her an 'out' if she doesn't want to go. If she herself does not want to attend, she should be willing to courteously refuse on her own behalf. She is a married adult and does not need to hide behind mummy's skirts.

It seems to be the fashion nowadays to dislike your in-laws! I think you should go to the lunch, what's not nice about a free lunch, you can sit next to your DD on one side and perhaps she can get one of the children on the other then conversation will be easy. Why is the sociability enforced surely they are just having a birthday lunch as the DIL her position is assured at this party.

I agree, don't be sucked in to playing games. I imagine DD's husband would expect her to go, and be hurt that she is proposing to lie to avoid celebrating with his family, it is lovely that they have invited you both.

You’re an adult....aren’t you ?

Make your own mind up.

All of us sometimes have to do things we would prefer not to in order to keep peace and harmony, in the family or workplace. Understanding that and doing it is part of being grown-up. When you marry you bring two families together and each partner should treat their partners family as if they were there own.

I understand how your DD feels, but I think you should go and encourage her to go with you, that way she doesn't have to go on her own and to a certain extent has you to 'protect' her.

Anything else would be churlish and engender bad feeling towards her in her partner's family.

Same here, Bluebelle and Mawbroom. Thank Heaven it was a more mundane problem .