Ending 20 year marriage

Just wanted to post an update for everyone that replied and encouraged me, and in case anyone is reading this who is in the same position I was in when I first posted. Its now nearly a year and a half after I told my husband it was over, and what a year and a half its been!
It really was one of the most difficult times I've ever had. Had to have counselling to help me process it and get through it. At the time it felt like it was never going to end. We continued to live in the same house until I had bought my own place, I didnt move out until end of October that year. But now I am in my own house and have met the most amazing man. I am so happy, every moment of unhappiness last year was so worth it. I sometimes still cant beleieve I've done it. All I have acheived and got myself to where I am now. I am so much happier, it was such a difficult thing to do and get thru but was 100% worth it. If you are in the same position, have the courage to decide to do it, then just take it one step at a time to make it happen. If I can do it, so can you. Its so worth it, life is too short to be unhappy so have courage and make the change. No-one else can do it for you, there is no magic solution like there is in the films. Its painful and difficult but I have no doubts I did the right things. I feel happy, calm and positive about the future. I have the life I always dreamed of.
Thankyou everyone for your words of encouragement and hope, you really made such a big difference to me in such a bleak and difficult time.
Peace and happiness to you all x

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Completely agree with sodapop.
I've been on my own now since my ex-husband left in December 2016. Spend time getting to know yourself again. There will be difficult times, but everything works for (your) good in the end. Stick with your gut feeling.
And yes, do keep us posted. All the best to you.

Thankyou all so much for your advice and support.
Will keep focused on taking step by step, feeling incredibly sad at times alternating with such positivity.
He was very upset last night which was very hard, this is a difficult time but deep down I know I've made the right decision.

Well done Petal that's the first step, don't let anything or anyone stop you taking the next ones. There will be difficult times but you will be much happier in the long run.
Don't rush into a new relationship once you are alone, take time to get used to living life as you want to and understand yourself again. Keep posting and tell us how you are doing.

Well done Petal, and you still have us to vent to when you need to I hope you have someone you can talk to in the flesh as well, that will be a comfort to you.

@readymeals you hit the nail on the head, I am lonely in my marriage, but while I remain married I stand no chance of this changing. At least once I'm on my own I at least have a chance of meeting someone new, I have hope again.
I've been a bit up and down since The Conversation, sometimes tearful and feeling very sad, but mostly elated and excited. Overall I so glad I'm so glad I have made the first step!
I've had an awful churning anxious feeling in my chest for so long, years it feels like, and now its finally gone, and I slept like a log last night

Ah yes, Readymeals, I forgot about that. My ex landlady has a dog & cat and was ok with other people’s pets. It didn’t always work out that the pets all get on though!

Don't forget she has dogs - may not be conducive to renting a room sharing someone else's home.

Well done, Petal for having the conversation. It’s a horrible feeling that you’re hurting your hubby but he must also have not been the happiest he could be. You’ve made the first step to a happier life, hopefully for you both. When my marriage broke up I was able to house sit for a friend at first and later rented a room for a while in another area as I really didn’t know where to settle down again (our house was sold as he’d already bought himself somewhere to live) My ex landlady is now a good friend. Maybe doing something like this could be an interim option? Your local Gumtree might advertise rooms. Women sometimes ask for female tenants only too. Good luck

Only for a while trendygran, then she will be used to it. And she does need to leave or she will have very little chance of finding someone else - she's young yet, but won't be if she keeps putting it off. Your marriage was "ok" but hers is dead and she feels lonely IN the marriage.

Petal49. Your dream of living on your own in a flat with dogs is my reality (except no pets allowed). Believe me it was certainly not a dream of mine. I lost my DH very suddenly just over 10 years ago . Our marriage was ok , but not amazing. I too long for someone to hug and someone to go out for a meal with,or go on holiday. I have several very good girlfriends, but being’home alone’ is not great at all.
If you are in doubt about leaving your DH think carefully first. I lead a fairly busy life, but would never choose to be alone in a flat.

Well done. Please take financial advice and get your ducks in a row. Not sure if you are working or if you have savings, but make a plan.
Perhaps going away for a few days with your dogs would be a good idea.
Wishing you 'll the best.

Glad you felt brave enough to make a decision Petal! You will have times you feel lonely and strange on your own, but that's just because of the changes in your life, not because you did the wrong thing. We all feel a bit funny inside when our home changes, people leave, or we leave, and we all adapt after a while

Well, after reading all your kind replies, last night I bit the bullet and had that conversation with him. I felt sick before I did it, and did think about doing it the following day, but I realised I was just putting off doing it because I knew it was going to be difficult. So I made myself do it. He was really upset as I had suspected he would be, but I remained firm.

I feel incredibly selfish also, that I am putting him through this, but also trying to remember that its ok to put myself first instead of always putting him first. It’s a strange feeling!

And in answer to some question, no we have no kids so that’s a good thing in this instance, just us to worry about.
And Yes I agree with the comments about our counselling, in hindsight she wasn’t at all good. I was hoping she would either help me to decide I wanted to stay and be happy in that decision, or to decide it was right to go our separate ways. She did neither of those things, I felt like everything that had started to come out got shoved back in a box and the lid hammered back on, nothing resolved.

Felt relieved after I had done it, this morning felt very strange. And I’ve been a bit up and down today, tearful at times but trying to stay focused on the long term, and keep my little flat in mind.
I think we are both going to be better off in the long run, its just very hard for both of us at the moment.

Thankyou all for all your kind words, you really did make a big difference. Its just so nice knowing I’m not alone, that others have done this and not only survived to tell the tale, but been very happy and fulfilled 

I empathise with Saggi &Karinu. Now have health issues so am stuck. Should have gone in mid forties. Controlling jealous husband. Now he appears to be “ losing it”. You don’t realise the “control” initially. Men of a certain age can think it is normal and also they seem to have no conscience of what they do/act.

We only get one shot at this life - if there's something you want to do find every way you can t make your dreams come true - it may not be easy but with careful planning anything can be achieved. Try to be kind to,your husband - the more amicable a split can be the better for the future. Look after yourself - I hope all goes well for you.

I left mine at age 44. Took youngest son aged 9 the eldest stayed with his dad, he was 19. I went and lived with my brother. My husband kept the matrimonial home. It wasn’t easy, money worries etc. But worth it. 30 years on my ex and I are good friends, I remarried as he did, but his wife died. I had to leave as life wasn’t at all good. Nevertheless it was difficult and a struggle. No regrets.

Some people here are saying they should have left or want to. What is stopping you? Be brave. do it.

Think I've read every comment. My first marriage ended after 20 years. I'd had enough and it took me. 5 years to actually get the courage to end it, knowing it would be messy, and I'd lose all his family that had been mine. I'd waited so long because of the children. It was so hard that 1st year. He didn't pay a penny towards the children, and I was on a low wage - but I never regretted it. The only thing I miss is having someone to say ' you remember this 'in regards to the children, and sharing the joy of our grandchild.
My 2nd marriage lasted 13 years. He cheated and got someone else pregnant. In this regard it was shattering because I loved him very much. I also then found out I was his 3rd wife and not 2nd, and he had a son after telling me he had no children when we met and giving me grief because I couldn't have more children.
It's taken me 18 months to put my life together, I recently rented a room which has worked well, I made new friends, volunteered one day a week at a charity shop, and had my children and grandchild to focus on.

I love being on my own now, no tension, worry, stress. And I don't know if I'll ever have another relationship, but thats okay. I go to counselling, and try not to look back.

Funnily enough my ex and I still talk and see each other - and I see him for what he is. I won't ever go back now.
Life is brief. Every day is a new day of opportunities. You can be lonely in a marriage too, at least being lonely on your own is down to you and what you do to change it. I've never been more at peace now. I'm 55 - and a lot to look ahead too. If the love has gone it's gone, but try to retain a friendship and be amicable.

I would say if this is the end of your marriage then get your finances in order and accommodation also be aware there will still be times ahead when you are lonely and question have you done the right thing however if you are sure go ahead I did it 9 years ago we had been together 27years I was in my early 50s and I look back now and my only regret is I didn't do it sooner but I put other people's happiness mainly my children's before my own but better late than never

Hi Petal49
Agree life'a too short.
But please to borrow a phrase from Mumsnet get 'Your Ducks in a row.'

As others have advised,
A free 1/2 hour interview with a solicitor.
He/she will be able to explain your entitlements regarding pensions, house, joint money etc.
Also move some money into personal bank account.

Hopefully you will then have a plan and will also be able to budget for new home and will have an idea what your out-goings could be as a single person.
Good luck

The number of posts on this thread speaks volumes, doesn’t it? I’m on my second marriage to a man who has always been wary of emotions, has problems opening up to people.
I thought I could overcome these issues with love and commitment but after more than 10 years together and nearly 8 years of marriage I have nothing left to give. He has
complex mental health issues. Anger, depression, self pity -
I’ve had it all.
We are still living together, waiting for the house to sell. I’ve moved on emotionally but feel he just doesn’t want to face up to what has happened. There is no closeness, we hardly talk . I feel sad for him because he has little contact with other people including his family, but we all have choices.
At nearly 70 I look forward to the freedom I have not had in this relationship, spending time with friends and family.
We only have one life.....

Do you honestly think you will be happier on your own, or does your happiness depend on finding someone else to share your life with?
If it is the former, work out your finances and make the break.
If it is the latter, you may end up just as unhappy and frustrated, and alone.
Can you lead an independent life while remaining married?
Think very carefully.

I did it after 30 years, best thing I ever did. I'd been miserable for years, but it never seemed like "the right time". Then I had a brush with a life-threatening disease, and after that I knew it was time to get out while I was still able.

I dreaded the actual day, so I went and got my hair done, and rehearsed my little speech. When he got home I just said it, and no matter what he said ( which was plenty) I stuck to my guns.

About a week later I found a little flat through a girl at work. Packed up my little car with my precious things and drove off to my new life.

My kids thought I was having a mid-life crisis...my husband thought I'd see sense and come back. 15 years later I've never been happier . When I see my ex at the odd family function I just think how lucky I am to be away from him.

I'd suggest that if you want to go, don't waste any more time - life is too short to waste yourself on an unhappy existence. Good luck !