Feeling lost

So what is the nature of the problem here? No longer feel passionate love? Normal as a relationship matures. No longer have shared interests? Doesn't matter - make new friends to share new interests with, then go home to your "best friend". No longer feel like sex with this particular man? More complicated, but some people lose sexual interest in anyone they live with for any time - which is actually an instinct left over from our animals selves which prevented too much inbreeding. Or maybe he just got fat and unattractive. Or maybe he feels the same and is quite happy to go on living with you as just friends.

I hope you have explored everything.

Just what I was thinking, Gonegirl. You both have feelings for each other. Can’t you just live together, in separate rooms, maybe. Given the chance, I would have done that when my husband left me.

Starturtle Yes it is scary at first but after years, in my case 13 on and off and even after divorcing twice going back. In the end enough was enough, after selling up and moving the relief was wonderful. If a relationship works it works, in my opinion. We divorced in 2006 and the final contact was 2013, six years later I have since moved again but it has been a wonderful six years of adventures ie making new friends taking up new hobbies and never imagined in a hundred years my life in retirement was going to be that good. In 2017 I met the 'love of my life' who is everything I I ever dreamed of 'best friend' took up my hobby so he could share that as well as retaining his hobby. We both love dancing and that is something I have loved since I was 15. I honestly wouldnt be any happier if I won the Lottery. Go for it Starturtle life is too short and enjoy the adventures.

How about relate counselling? It sounds like you're not at all sure separation is right for you long term

Hello Star Turtle
I am a couple therapist and as other posters have suggested, it might be worth giving couple therapy a try.
It isn’t always about staying together, but can help to think about the best and healthiest way to part.
Good luck.

I was married for 3 months short of 40 years.
I simply wanted the single life again after our children left home and his working away so long and so often made me self reliant. I enjoyed it being just me and the children.
No bad feelings, we are good, loving friends who still meet up 2/3 times a year with our AC,GC and GGC. Neither has married since.
You need to do what your instinct tells you. Life isn't a rehearsal.
Good luck. You can do it.

Could you not separate and live apart for a while, or is that out of the question financially?

I have known someone who was glad she divorced (and we were all glad for her - she was married to a selfish, self-centred man who seemed to see her only as someone to provide services for him, and with no needs of her own). I also know someone who says it was the worst thing she ever did and that it would have been better to try to inject some fun and novelty into her marriage (3 years on, she's very lonely). But the choice has to be yours (and his).

Maybe give it another try before the final decision

Sounds as though you've given it your best shot and have decided separating is the best way forward.
It will be difficult at first and what you probably need is a close friend and/or one of your adult children (presumably not also your partner's children), who can give you support on a regular basis, including with practical issues.
If you have friends/activities in your area, probably best to stay local when you move if at all possible
Don't rule out professional help if you feel you are not coming to terms with the split - it can be a huge help, allowing you to find solutions and strategies with someone who has no previous emotional involvement with you or your ex.
It will get better.

The grass is greener when watered
NOT on the other side

I am with some comments here about making a split but personally feel “he is your best friend” so confide in him your innermost feelings.
Start again.......go on date nights......weekends away together...... cosy evenings doing fun quizzes together ..... time apart too. I do hope you can make it together. I sincerely do. Many would disagree with me but think of your children too. It’s such a shame for them too. Please reconsider. Wishing you all the best. x

None of us can possibly know what lies ahead , so if it's just fear that is making you paralysed from taking the next step, then be brave and do what is best for you right now. You've clearly thought about it long & hard, and it sounds as though you've made your decision, but just need a bit of confidence and reassurance to go ahead.

Another vote for Relate. It may help you both to clarify what's going on and whether splitting up is the answer, or something-else? I've known people get a fresh perspective on their marriage through doing it; I've also known a couple whose marriage was not saved - but they both say that it helped them to understand why they'd really married, the unspoken "contracts" going on within it, the stuff they'd brought into the marriage from their own families of origin, and what had really broken them up - so that they were able to carry that knowledge into future relationships (both have re-married). I wonder what age you are; if life is feeling stale; how easy you find it to put your own needs first; what's been going on to bring this to a crisis? Having a partner who is your best friend is not to be dismissed lightly (some marriage are like battle grounds). Please seek another perspective before you give up - that way, you'll be able to make a clear and positive final decision, and won't spend the next who knows how many years wondering if you make the right choice.

Only you can decide, Turtle - it's always sad when a relationship ends and even though you know it's run its course the next few steps are going to be an effort. As we know, life has its ups and downs, and it's only natural to worry.
Is there anything you've always wanted to do but couldn't beforehand? Whatever it is, now may be a good time to break out and try something new and could give you something positive to focus on which could lift your spirits.

It's sad, people do change as they grow older - it would be strange with all life's experiences if you didn't. It's accepting the changes in each other, I think , that helps you, as a couple, to move on either together or apart.
I often wonder how it is that people of my parents generation seemed to be able to stick together for 40 years plus and my mum always used to say that you accept the changes and move with them because they are part of both of you.
Counselling may help both of you to make the final decision. Beyond that, just telling family and friends straight, that you have decided to live apart. But just watch out for people to take sides - whether you want them to or not!

My husband died. I hate being on my own and miss his company. People change over time but if you can live with it, my advice is reconsider. It's a cold world out there.

I left my husband after 30 years of marriage...not an easy decision and being on my own has been hard at times but I don’t regret it either....as someone wrote...only get one life! Do what makes YOU happy not other people!

RELATE counselling completely changed the focus of my marriage after he had an affair and I wanted to split. We went on to have ten good years before he died. I was pleased that we had stayed together and as well as learning about him and about my marriage I learned a lot about myself.

Stay friends, that's all you to leave the door open for infinite possibilities in the future. Nothing is irrevocable..

If you've split up then given it another go several times I'm not sure what advice anyone can give on here that would make a difference. You have to bite the bullet, one way or another.

Trying to pm, but keeping getting a damn silly message!

GNHQ, what's going on?

StarTurtle YOU CAN! (move on, that is)

I left a marriage of 23 years, spent a year on my own, met Mr P when I wasn't looking for anyone, and was happily single, the rest, as they say.............(BTW, Mr P and I have been together since April 2001)

Feel free to pm me if you would like to.

We’ve Split up and given it another go several times over the last few years. I’m just sad we changed. It is scary moving on. I don’t want to go back but I can’t move on either.

There must be good reason for StarTurtle to be doing this, its not something you tell your children without having given it a lot of thought.
It is hard StarTurtle when you have been part of a couple for 16 years. Take one step at a time, ensure your finances are in order and find somewhere manageable to live. I rented a place until I got myself sorted, its not going to be a bed of roses to start with. When you are in your own place then you will come to realise its better to be on your own and happy than miserable with someone else. Good luck

This sounds like you each want different things from life now and can't find a compromise. If that's so then don't be dissuaded from your decision. We only get one life. Don't be looking back in ten years times regretting that you were talked into staying in a marriage that had run its course. If it's the thought of being single that worries you don't be. Life is what you make it and single life can be very good indeed.