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Feeling lost

(59 Posts)
StarTurtle Mon 18-Mar-19 15:20:14

My husband and I have split after 16 years. No ones fault particularly just both changed. I know we can’t go back to being together but I’m also scared of going forward. He was my best friend. He would come back which makes this harder for me. The next step is telling my family (grown up children know already) and selling our family home of 16 years. Need to motivate myself but struggling to move on. I hope I’m not making a big mistake.

Anja Mon 18-Mar-19 15:32:53

Don’t be afraid. You must have had good reasons.

Move forward with hope and confidence flowers

crazyH Mon 18-Mar-19 15:41:02

I am single, not through choice. He decided he did not love me any more. The first few months are the worst. You will learn to live by yourself and enjoy the time-freedom. You can do what you want, when you want. I draw the line there. I chose to spend the rest of my life on my own. Good luck with whatever you decide to do

Gonegirl Mon 18-Mar-19 16:01:03

But if he was your best friend! and you are obviously feeling down and unmotivated, why do it? Why not try again?

You don't sound at all sure that you want to separate.

Gonegirl Mon 18-Mar-19 16:01:33

That exclamation mark was meant to be a comma

Greenfinch Mon 18-Mar-19 16:29:44

What Gonegirl says. Re-consider.

EllanVannin Mon 18-Mar-19 17:03:19

I'm with Gonegirl here. It doesn't sound as though you're meant to be apart, especially as you say that your husband " would come back ".
Have a good long talk and air your differences then you may fully decide which way you're going. Don't do anything in haste !

notanan2 Mon 18-Mar-19 17:12:12

I agree hold off and let the dust settle.

If the split is meant to be, then announce it
However if you have some space and then decide you do love each other after all, some friends/family will struggle to accept the relationship moving forward (especially the ones that announced "well I never liked him/her anyway" or the ones that picked sides etc)

phoenix Mon 18-Mar-19 17:29:40

I appreciate that it doesn't work for everyone, but would it be worth giving relationship counselling a try?

FountainPen Mon 18-Mar-19 17:41:18

This sounds like you each want different things from life now and can't find a compromise. If that's so then don't be dissuaded from your decision. We only get one life. Don't be looking back in ten years times regretting that you were talked into staying in a marriage that had run its course. If it's the thought of being single that worries you don't be. Life is what you make it and single life can be very good indeed.

sodapop Mon 18-Mar-19 17:41:54

There must be good reason for StarTurtle to be doing this, its not something you tell your children without having given it a lot of thought.
It is hard StarTurtle when you have been part of a couple for 16 years. Take one step at a time, ensure your finances are in order and find somewhere manageable to live. I rented a place until I got myself sorted, its not going to be a bed of roses to start with. When you are in your own place then you will come to realise its better to be on your own and happy than miserable with someone else. Good luck

StarTurtle Mon 18-Mar-19 18:33:17

We’ve Split up and given it another go several times over the last few years. I’m just sad we changed. It is scary moving on. I don’t want to go back but I can’t move on either.

phoenix Mon 18-Mar-19 20:14:26

StarTurtle YOU CAN! (move on, that is)

I left a marriage of 23 years, spent a year on my own, met Mr P when I wasn't looking for anyone, and was happily single, the rest, as they say.............(BTW, Mr P and I have been together since April 2001)

Feel free to pm me if you would like to.

phoenix Mon 18-Mar-19 22:18:17

Trying to pm, but keeping getting a damn silly message!

GNHQ, what's going on?

merlotgran Mon 18-Mar-19 22:35:33

If you've split up then given it another go several times I'm not sure what advice anyone can give on here that would make a difference. You have to bite the bullet, one way or another.

BradfordLass72 Tue 19-Mar-19 03:45:34

Stay friends, that's all you to leave the door open for infinite possibilities in the future. Nothing is irrevocable..

optimist Tue 19-Mar-19 09:20:37

RELATE counselling completely changed the focus of my marriage after he had an affair and I wanted to split. We went on to have ten good years before he died. I was pleased that we had stayed together and as well as learning about him and about my marriage I learned a lot about myself.

Pinkcat55 Tue 19-Mar-19 09:21:43

I left my husband after 30 years of marriage...not an easy decision and being on my own has been hard at times but I don’t regret it someone wrote...only get one life! Do what makes YOU happy not other people!

Venus Tue 19-Mar-19 09:23:05

My husband died. I hate being on my own and miss his company. People change over time but if you can live with it, my advice is reconsider. It's a cold world out there.

jaylucy Tue 19-Mar-19 09:25:58

It's sad, people do change as they grow older - it would be strange with all life's experiences if you didn't. It's accepting the changes in each other, I think , that helps you, as a couple, to move on either together or apart.
I often wonder how it is that people of my parents generation seemed to be able to stick together for 40 years plus and my mum always used to say that you accept the changes and move with them because they are part of both of you.
Counselling may help both of you to make the final decision. Beyond that, just telling family and friends straight, that you have decided to live apart. But just watch out for people to take sides - whether you want them to or not!

lovebeigecardigans1955 Tue 19-Mar-19 09:28:15

Only you can decide, Turtle - it's always sad when a relationship ends and even though you know it's run its course the next few steps are going to be an effort. As we know, life has its ups and downs, and it's only natural to worry.
Is there anything you've always wanted to do but couldn't beforehand? Whatever it is, now may be a good time to break out and try something new and could give you something positive to focus on which could lift your spirits.

CarlyD7 Tue 19-Mar-19 09:29:02

Another vote for Relate. It may help you both to clarify what's going on and whether splitting up is the answer, or something-else? I've known people get a fresh perspective on their marriage through doing it; I've also known a couple whose marriage was not saved - but they both say that it helped them to understand why they'd really married, the unspoken "contracts" going on within it, the stuff they'd brought into the marriage from their own families of origin, and what had really broken them up - so that they were able to carry that knowledge into future relationships (both have re-married). I wonder what age you are; if life is feeling stale; how easy you find it to put your own needs first; what's been going on to bring this to a crisis? Having a partner who is your best friend is not to be dismissed lightly (some marriage are like battle grounds). Please seek another perspective before you give up - that way, you'll be able to make a clear and positive final decision, and won't spend the next who knows how many years wondering if you make the right choice.

wilygran Tue 19-Mar-19 09:33:39

None of us can possibly know what lies ahead , so if it's just fear that is making you paralysed from taking the next step, then be brave and do what is best for you right now. You've clearly thought about it long & hard, and it sounds as though you've made your decision, but just need a bit of confidence and reassurance to go ahead.

Su66 Tue 19-Mar-19 09:42:47

The grass is greener when watered
NOT on the other side

I am with some comments here about making a split but personally feel “he is your best friend” so confide in him your innermost feelings.
Start again.......go on date nights......weekends away together...... cosy evenings doing fun quizzes together ..... time apart too. I do hope you can make it together. I sincerely do. Many would disagree with me but think of your children too. It’s such a shame for them too. Please reconsider. Wishing you all the best. x

ElaineRI55 Tue 19-Mar-19 09:47:01

Sounds as though you've given it your best shot and have decided separating is the best way forward.
It will be difficult at first and what you probably need is a close friend and/or one of your adult children (presumably not also your partner's children), who can give you support on a regular basis, including with practical issues.
If you have friends/activities in your area, probably best to stay local when you move if at all possible
Don't rule out professional help if you feel you are not coming to terms with the split - it can be a huge help, allowing you to find solutions and strategies with someone who has no previous emotional involvement with you or your ex.
It will get better.