Feeling lost

I'm really not sure what the previous message is about, it doesn't seem to be a response to the original poster or am I missing something ?

Good afternoon,
I’m a newbie here.... I’m looking to “adopt” a new Mother-in-Law!!!
I had a really good, loving and respectful relationship with my partner’s mum for 5 years.
Long story short, he was destroyed in his divorce(financially, psychologically and then she poisoned the kids towards him)
I have been there throughout, supporting him in every way possible including financially for legal support and court fees etc.
I was not the cause of the failed marriage, and did not meet him until 6 months aftee he was asked to leave the former marital home.
Being in your early mid 50’s with no savings is hard enough, but then due to the stress my partner had 3 heart attacks and then Quadruple open heart surgery where he nearly lost his life.
His mother was also supportive, and wanted to help so after much deliberation she moved and released some equity. A % went to my partner’s brother;also gone through a bad breakup) whereby he was able to secure a home.
We, on the other hand were invited to live(one house divided into 2)with her.
We were happy to have a chance to have a secure home, beable to look after her and start up our dream, Bed and Breakfast.
Within a month of moving in my partner had his operation, and then the cracks started to appear.
I was told my parents were not slowed to visit us at the house.
Restrictions were placed on what we could/n’t do to our side of the house, even though it was part of my partner’s inheritance and she told us we could do exactly as we pleased.
She started making derogatory comments to my partner about me, even though I was taking her out, shopping with her, decorating her side of the house, cooking her meals etc and generally being the friend/daughter in law she’d always known.
We moved in together in the August, by the following June she told my partner she wanted me out(in 2 weeks)
She told him if he went with me to forget his inheritance!!
I was mortified and felt very let down, but worse for my partner.
She put him in an unbearable situation!!
It will now be so awkward with the whole family.
I miss being part of it and having a mother in law, because we really did have a great relationship??

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If anyone wants to pm me and we can chat via messages, please do, it's nice sometimes chatting to someone that understands.
I think what Mully has said is so encouraging, it is frightening almost, to start again, but you can and will, you will also find out who your friends truly are.?

Thanks for all your messages. Some good advice. Really appreciated.

Go through all your options again but don't be afraid about living on your own. I left my husband of 30+ years and I'm so glad I've had 18 happy years alone and not 18 years of more anxiety. I'm happy, contented, confident and busy & I can do as I please. We are still friends which I'm v glad about but much happier apart. Go for it!

Can't add anything not said, other than to wish you happiness as soon as possible.

It might be .ore helpful to do some individual counseling as a first step. Maybe with relate, or he really counselling. It might be more productive to get things clear in your head first before going for couples counselling if you decide to do that. I was divorced after early 40 years of. Being together and despite the fact that he was unfaithful and also abusive it was still hard to adjust to life on my own.but now it's great, and I am glad to be able to thin mainly of.myself still have the children. To think if of course. Yes sometimes I wish I had someone, but I've been able to do things with friends more and that is wonderful. It's frightening thinking how you'll do things but you do things differently that's all

You say he was your best friend but from what you say StarT living together does not work well for you two. There appear to be some things that you still like about him but living with him in a husband/wife relationship is not good. Can you lose a husband but keep a friend?

what does your husband think? have you asked him? is there any chance he would stay? you sound unsure .if not is there a friend or relative that would be company for you. I cant really say what to do ,as I kicked my verbally abusive partner out after 6 years having known him for 12. get some advice .counselling. would your husband go to...

Are you still in love with him. Would you be happy to live without him? I would live apart for a while and see how things go but if there's no physical contact and you only see him as a best friend then it's time to part.

If he is willing to come back, and you seem to be having doubts, then perhaps this isn't the right decision. Life is ever changing and almost always requires compromise.

My suggestion is to talk again with each other, with honesty.

do you want him to hold you or do you no longer want his physical contact

I agree that it might be worth giving it another go -if he's your best friend that's a very big plus. People do change, of course. ~But I think it's so often the case that both partners regret splitting eventually. Old cliche - marriage needs working at - but probably true. All the best.

So is mine, gone girl but it also means I have to take onboard a lot of ideas of former years
He was efficient in his professional career but , on retirement, finds it difficult to accept that I am not staff and, therefore, there to be instructed
Systems have changed. We moved so much that I was unable to take on any long term graduate career. I must pretend to accept his instructions and he feels responsible for keeping me. Autre temps, etc

It will help if you are remaining civil, can you still be just friends for support ? Take one step at a time, sorting the house out etc, make yourself lists and targets, and get your family and friends to help you cope with the changes. Once the practicalities are under way, write yourself a bucket list and follow your heart and your dreams. See if there’s “over 50’s Meet Up” groups in your area, they do loads of different things. Look online at all the holiday Companies that cater for single women. I loved owning my own place and being able to decorate and buy what I wanted, do whatever I wanted etc It’s your life from here on out so make the most of every single minute and welcome your freedom and independence.

Change is often scaring, but you can go ahead a make a new life for yourself.

Please consider why you have chosen to split up and whether if your husband came back he would be willing to change the reasons for your splitting up. If not, can you continue your marriage as it was?

If not, try to find a way to start being on your own. Good luck.

I was in your situation 2years ago and feeling exactly like you are to. My friends told me to keep reminding myself why we made that decision because if you go back those issues will still be there then your only prolonging the inevitable. We are all scared of looking ahead especially if it’s on our own but trust me no one was more scared than me. I’m now so glad I didn’t go back he would still have me back to this day and that’s what plays games with your head. Baby steps and you will look back and realise it was the right thing to do. I wrote myself a list of things I wanted to do/ achieve in the first year and that helped keep me focused. You can do this if that’s what you want. The big wide world is not as scary as you think.x

But I do agree wholeheartedly with your post. My old feller is my best friend.

Zarina I have been married for fiftyfour years, with no sign of divorce in the near future.

You have the wrong poster there.

It's not necessarily going to be the right decision or the wrong decision......but it will be a decision. The indecision of splitting up and getting back together is living in an unreal and distruptive life of highs and lows.
In the end it is very hard to see things clearly especially if you are still friends. Being 'friends' doesn't necessaily mean you have a happy marriage. Immediately I divorced and the tension went out of the awful few years beforehand we became much better friends......but I definitely didn't want to be married to my ex husband.
Good luck with whichever decision you make.

My gut feeling is that if you’ve tried living apart and got back together several times and it still hasn’t worked, then you’re not meant to be together. I divorced my husband after not far short of 30 years together - he actually left me, but I did the divorcing. It is very difficult but the hard times are temporary and I’ve found that with the support of true friends and of close family members it’s possible to move on and be happy as a single, independent woman. Make sure your finances are in order and perhaps spend some time renting until you decide where you want to be. It’s also important to get to know yourself again. I know from experience that it’s far better to be happy on your own than with someone you’re not truly fulfilled with. All the best and let us know how things go.

NOT a vote for Relate here. In hindsight I think I would still be with the love of my life if only the counsellor had asked the right questions and reminded us of when and how and when got together etc . He offered nothing constructive. It was 35 yrs ago so yes I guess things will have changed.

Gone girl there is a very good saying. A friend is better than a lover...if he was your best friend. Then don’t lose him..loving someone does not mean having a sexual relationship so unless sex was the problem! You can love him with the deep love of a friend....let’s face it. Women of a certain age are not sex mad...men ...now they are a different species (haha) I am not suggesting that you are of a certain age because you were married for such a short time but a friend would be very easy to live with

Did not see the word love come into this. When I married I was' in love', but not the kind of love you would have for a parent or child.
I am sure I am not alone in believing that this initial kind of love does not last.
As the years go by, still loving the person you married, but not quite in the same way when you first married and you begin to see 'issues' arising that you would have ignored in the early years . It takes love, not passionate early days love when you couldn't wait to see him kind of love but to accept what your partner may have become or maybe they were always this way but which you had ignored during your' in love' years.
Can you see yourself in the future without your husband ?
I am of the opinion you need an appointment with Relate and on your own. You will then have a clearer picture and whether still determined to make the break.