New Relationship.

You are likely at your most vulnerable right now and needing more solace and companionship than usual.

You mention a 28 year partnership which you legalized by marriage at the eleventh hour due to Cancer. It sounds like you anticipated the legal repercussions of marriage even after the death of a spouse.... Re: Property rights, Wills, Children (by you or another) etc.

Having said that, nothing wrong spending time with your young friend, as long as you're not being taken advantage of economically or otherwise. You waited 28 years the first time, so no reason to rush into anything now.

A century ago, a widower or widow was supposed to mourn for a year before considering getting to know someone of the opposite sex and maybe remarry.

Nowadays there are no hard and fast rules, so the time may be right for you now.

However, you would be wise to take your stepdaughters' feelings into account- reassure them that you have not and will not forget their mother.

If this friendship develops into more than just friendship, try not to force the issue with your stepdaughters.

Lot of assumptions on here that BToldboy has money. He could be broke.

People, not necessarily men, take different times and grieve in different ways. There is no right way.

Some people are lonely and although they still have the utmost love and respect for their deceased partner, they move on quickly. Others never move on.

And age difference relationships can work.

Whether money is involved or not, it's probably wise to take some of the advice on here not to rush too much until you get to know each other more. At the same time, at 74 you want to make the most of the life you have left so if she makes you happy, go for it.

I am so sorry for your loss and wish you well for your future happiness.

I would completely agree that you'd be wise to take your time. Why not talk about your loss? You don't have to dwell in it constantly but if you don't let the grieving process happen, it might affect your health in the long term. I'd also say getting out and meeting new people, not putting all your eggs in one basket would be a good idea. And if, as is more than likely you ignore all the good advice and forge ahead--- I wish you well.

I was widowed last year in March. There will never be anyone to replace him. I do not want to be involved in that way with anyone else. My husband was and is my husband best friend and soul mate. His wedding ring sits under mine from the day he passed and I have a tattoo in his memory. I am clear on this and it will not change.

I have had a few people question me on this to which my summary nicely on this was "my life, my business and your opinion is not required"

I also told a woman at Christmas who was being snide "so you have lost your Mom? So you are now motherless- your going to find another mom then?" She looked at me horrified and I said "I rest my case," and walked off leaving her with her mouth wide open.

My point from my story is what is right for one person isn't for another. What is normal for the fly is chaos to the spider.

As others have said "be careful take your
time and keep your wallet and money firmly as yours, treat it as friendship only and see what happens"

Perhaps I am fortunate as I am surrounded by my family, fellowships and friends all
over the world so it's easier.

It does not mean I dont get lonely. I get lonely for my husband physical presence. Nothing else. I still talk with him and he isnt a was. He is an is. He is still very much an is who is entwined with our every day life naturally.

I have a male friend who is simple that a friend, a companion. We knew him before my husband passed. He is also gay and chooses for his own reasons to remain celibate. We attend spiritual matters such as church together. It is a safe friendship for both of us.

The only other thing I would add is perhaps to have some grief counselling. Cruse is a free counselling service.

I think it's a good idea to ensure that your grief is not why you are looking for love again to fill the hole in the soul of losing your wife. Its very common.

I seen this happen to my older brother when he lost his wife and he ended up hidden homeless as he sold the family home and bought a place with the woman. It took him 3 years to get the house sold and his money out.

She turned out to be alcoholic and violent to him. It's not just money it can be about.

I hope my story will help you look at things and consider for you what is right. If you dont know, get in touch with Cruse is my suggestion to help you work through things with specialists who are trained and identify in this area

If you tell her you will never remarry but would love her companionship for the rest of your life (but your assets will be willed to your family), then my guess would be that she will back off. If she is genuine and sticks with you then perhaps in 10 years or so you might want to reconsider.

I separated from my ex husband when I found out about his affair. After being with him for 22 years I was afraid of being alone. I looked at dating sites but all the men seemed to be just after one thing so I never agreed to meet up with anyone. After a while I realised that being alone was not so terrible after all. At first I still had teenage children at home but they went off to university and now I've been alone for over 8 years. I realised I didn't need to be in a relationship to be happy. I have friends, mostly female and couples but one single male friend who has helped me out with practical tasks and we've occasionally gone to pub quizzes or theatre together or with a group of mutual friends. I enjoy his company but know that I don't need more than that. If I met someone and fell in love that would be great but I've realised I am pretty self sufficient. I can do what I want when I want and I think having a partner would be restrictive for me now.
Enjoy the company of your friend but give it time to find out what it is like to live alone in the long term. You may surprise yourself. If the attraction is there and you feel that you want to take things further it may be the way forward but don't rush into anything. When we are alone at first after a long relationship it can seem as if we can't cope alone, but I've proved to myself that I can and I'm no longer searching for a new relationship. If one comes along, so be it but I'm pretty happy with things as they are for now.

A lot of unkind remarks here about your 40 year old lady friend. She may just be a very kind lady and also likes having someone who can do a few odd jobs. You've not really told us very much about her and the opposite view to her being a gold digger is that she may be horrified and run a mile if you try to move friendship on to something else.

It is early days and I think you should just enjoy things as they are at the moment and be grateful to have friend.

Oops! I also find myself agreeing with ladyinspain. You do need to be careful. Hopefully you can judge the lady's character calmly and sensibly.

It must have been terribly difficult to lose a wife of 28 years and you must be feeling terribly lonely so this lady is obviously going to be a ray of sunshine for you. This will inevitably colour your thoughts and it must seem like a dream come true to have somebody around who appears to tick all the boxes. However, I would be wary that it wasn't just rebound. My advice would be to widen your horizons whilst you can and not to jump into any relationship too soon. I'd also make it very clear to anybody I was "seeing" that my estate was going to my children!

PS; but also, never hand over money, never change your will, pay half and half for holidays. If she kicks up a fuss,she’s after your money! Don’t move her in for at least 2/3 years, just weekends only,! Change your will in 20 years from now if she’s still around.

Agree with last poster, but keep an eye on your purse strings.

Go for it Btoldboy! It’s not too soon!! Who says it is?! That’s Victorian! Have fun, be happy, it’s YOUR life, not onlookers. At our age every day is a bonus,fill it with pleasure. If it doesn’t work out, last long, you had fun,so then move on,with the added bonus of good memories ?. Never ever ever, allow any decisions you make/want, be dictated by “what do other people think?” Go on, go now!!

My late father did a similar thing, after mum died, he struck up a relationship with a younger woman (she's more my age than his). and they married, he died 4 yrs later, - what a mess!! He left his house to me & my sis, on condition she lives there for life!! When we went round to ask for a few of the personal things dad kept from 29 yrs of marriage to my mum, she showed us into the spare room, and all his "stuff" as she called it, was in bin bags, his records, clothes, papers, mementos etc etc. She had NO real feelings for him, and she has now moved another (younger) man in-to our parents home!! So don't be a "silly old fool" - it will come back to haunt your family

Look, BToldboy, you are still in the early stages of grief. I've been widowed twice, and you are not in your right mind for at least a year after your bereavement, and still very vulnerable for two years. The age gap is enormous - I'm not saying it can't work, but it is unlikely, and I would be very suspicious of 'the lovely lady's' motives! No harm will come of taking some time before becoming involved, and please - do NOT give her money, gifts or holidays. If she's a genuine friend, she will not expect these. Try and fill your need for company by doing some charity work. Your local hospice might be glad of someone who is good at handiwork.

Dot
20 years older as a man is acceptable. Nearly 40 years difference for a woman is not. Forget love for the moment.

Could it just be that this lady is just being friendly? She may see you more as a parent than as a prospective partner/husband. It would be a great shame if you have misread her intentions and subsequently lose the friendship, I would give it more time before making any approach along those lines. Have you thought about joining a local charity as a volunteer or perhaps there is a social club you could try? My Dad was 20 years older than my Mum so I have no qualms about the age difference if you do really love each other, just wondering what the lady concerned feels herself about the situation

And is the lady's close friend a man or a woman? Has that friend a family, of is she alone and maybe wealthy?
Be careful, be VERY careful..

sarahellen, she SAYS she prefers older men. She does not ADMIT to it. One can SAY anything.

The lady admits to liking older men .There is no accounting for taste but I would imagine the amount of 40 year old women who are attracted to a man almost twice their age, for companionship, ???? must be very few and very far between. You may have struck lucky but I agree with those who say take your time, what's the rush,? enjoy the friendship, the ball is in your court, time will tell.

Your step daughters are possibly older than your lady friend, No wonder they have reservations. Please be very careful and don't rush into things just because she says she prefers older people (who usually have more money and property than men of their own age). It may all be a front.
I have just joined a dating agency and have been contacted by a lot of men, many up to 20 years younger. They often put their income in their profile and sometimes it is a lot lower than mine, so I don't bother to answer. A woman needs security, and possibly this is why your lady friend is looking for older men.

Alarm bells definitely ringing with me - the age gap is huge and I do wonder if she has befriended you with the sole purpose of getting her hands on your finances. As suggested, I would tell your friend that the house is in your daughter's name and you have little savings. Under no circumstances should you 'lend' her any money (as in all probability, you wouldn't be getting it back!). Sorry to sound so cynical - and believe me, I am usually really gullible and taken in by a good sob story- but even I think you are more than likely going to be taken advantage of. Stay friends by all means, enjoy yourself, but don't let her flatter you into a relationship.

Enjoy your friendship with this lady but keep your total independence. Do not tell her about your finances or sell your home to be with her and do not let her move in with you. Keep a clear head and see how the relationship progresses and take everything slowly.

How recently is recently? As others have said, there is no right and wrong about how soon you feel attracted to a new person. However - typically for the first year or so after losing a partner, especially one you had been with so long, you will go through various changes and a journey of rediscovery of yourself as a separate person. Therefore it might be wise not to become committed to a new relationship before you get to know the emerging new you.

Is impossible that this lady is just being a kind friend and has absolutely no intention of developing things any further? You may have totally misread the situation in your grief. Please just take your time, enjoy the friendship and learn to live alone before trying to find a new relationship. What is the rush?