Gransnet forums


New Relationship.

(74 Posts)
BToldboy Thu 04-Apr-19 14:12:17

I would like to know what people say and I think this springboard is the right place to find out from. Recently I lost my wife of twenty-eight years (28 yrs Partner 1 month Married) due to Cancer. A lovely lady who I have known and liked for several years was the only one to offer a meal when I needed one, close to the funeral and me sad and vulnerable. I have had many offers of tea and talk and those though appreciated, I did and do not fancy just talking about sad times. The lovely lady and I have many common interests and in some ways a mirror image of my life. she gets me to do things as I like to use my hands in DIY etc., she seems to make the grief less and I like her company also she likes mine. I find I am being drawn towards her and I think she is drawing towards me. I know there is an age difference where I am seventy four and she is forty, she prefers older people and has a close friend of over eighty. I do not think this is a rebound situation as I am alert to it. My step daughters think the friendship is to soon but they do see I am happier but they think I am forgetting their mother my late Wife who fills my heart with latent love. She did say just before she died that I should not sit around and mope, which I had no intention of that and told me to find someone even if it was this lovely friend to be with. Should a relationship happen, what do people consider a suitable time for this to happen please?

Bridgeit Thu 04-Apr-19 16:07:06

I don’t think there is a ‘suitable ‘ time as such .Its more about awareness, ie. Not changing a life style or living arrangements in a hurry, getting to know someone else gradually , staying in contact with family & old friends etc.
Even perhaps a counselling session or two. Best wishes

EllanVannin Thu 04-Apr-19 16:55:15

It strikes me that men get over their losses quicker than a woman does. Somehow they find it easier to move on.

I would tread very carefully !

M0nica Thu 04-Apr-19 17:30:51

This may be the perfect relationship for the rest of your life, but take it very slowly. Many a man in your position has tied himself up again in haste and then regretted it at leisure.

Your partner's death is very recent. Our minds and bodies can react very oddly in such circumstances, even though we think we are being rational and reasonable.

Good luck, but take it very carefully and slowly.

Tuppnce Thu 04-Apr-19 17:41:42

The age difference would ring alarm bells for me and perhaps also for any adult children.
She may just be extremely kind but she may also have a “sugar daddy” scenario in mind.
Enjoy each other’s company and friendship as much as you like, but if marriage or any financial matters are mooted - run a mile.

Calendargirl Thu 04-Apr-19 18:47:14

"She prefers older people and has a friend over 80".
Perhaps I am too cynical, but just be careful.

Calendargirl Thu 04-Apr-19 18:48:41

Should have written "close friend"

aggie Thu 04-Apr-19 18:51:12

Keep it at "Friendship" level for a while yet , she might be lovely but what will her "friend" of 80 think about it !

wot Thu 04-Apr-19 18:55:19

There's no fool like an old fool.

Apricity Thu 04-Apr-19 20:44:03

There is no right or wrong time to develop new relationships after the death of a long term partner but I agree with other poster's comments to keep the friendship as just that, a pleasant friendship. It is still very early days for you and you are probably feeling rather lonely and are much more vulnerable than you think.

Enjoy this woman's company, help her out with DIY, shared interest outings etc but if/when requests for financial assistance start to happen run a mile. The requests may be very subtle, for small amounts and seem quite innocent at first but it is a warning sign. I know of many men who have become involved with a much younger woman following a marriage breakup or the death of their wife and are stunned to discover that when the money ran out so did the woman. Often large amounts have been expended on luxury holidays, loans, gifts, alleged medical expenses for the woman or her relatives etc. "I thought she really loved me" they wail. See earlier comments about old fools.

sodapop Thu 04-Apr-19 20:55:15

Enjoy her company Btoldboy but take care, Apricity has the right idea.

Startingover61 Fri 05-Apr-19 11:49:23

I agree completely with Apricity. I divorced my errant husband almost 2 years ago after a long marriage (my first, his second) and befriended a man who'd been widowed for about 10 years whom we'd met a few months previously. He looked out for me and started visiting me quite often. We found we enjoyed each other's company and shared a sense of humour. Lots of other things in common too. I moved recently and we are still in touch by text and phone. He's going to visit me when work allows. We value each other's friendship and as the months have gone by, we've become very close. However, we're both happy with the great friendship we have and neither of us has any plans to 'take it to the next level'. We don't discuss finances or other personal details and we trust each other completely.

I'd advise you to enjoy this lady's company but to tread very carefully - and yes, run a mile if financial help is requested; no matter how small a sum at first, more might be requested later on.

My ex husband married very soon after decree absolute. He borrowed money from the woman he went off with (not his first affair) to pay my decree nisi costs and other legal bills. He also 'persuaded' her to sell the home she owned outright and move to a new county (and a 50% shared home). I used my share of the divorce settlement (no way was he getting 50%, by the way) to buy my new home. I'm proud to have my name only on the title deeds. No man will ever 'persuade' me to part with it and buy a shared home ever again.

Cosmos Fri 05-Apr-19 12:43:19

It can't work. You are 74 she 40 is too young. I can hear the alarm bells clanging. Tell her that everything is in your daughter name for a start and see how it goes.

crazyH Fri 05-Apr-19 13:04:02

The age difference is ringing alarm bells. Besides, it's too soon. If I was your late wife's daughter, I would be upset. Good luck anyway !

Nicea Fri 05-Apr-19 14:53:03

I sympathise with your situation but have noticed that widowed or divorced men often attach themselves very quickly to a new woman so as not to have to face life on their own. The age gap seems too great to me. Just keep to friendship for now.

Kerenhappuch Fri 05-Apr-19 15:03:02

To be honest, you're not really in a state of mind to make life-changing decisions at the moment, as the bereavement is so raw.

If your friend is willing to remain a friend while you come to terms with your loss, that's probably the best way to go.

If being in a close relationship has been part of your life for the past 40 years, then it's tempting to see this potential relationship as a way of carrying on with life as before. But it could bring all sorts of challenges - is there any chance she might want to have a child with you, for example?

moxeyns Sat 06-Apr-19 09:31:53

Apart from the obvious difficulties, you have no idea yet who you are as an individual, outside of your 28-year relationship. Without that self knowledge, you can't form anything other than a co-dependent relationship. Leave it for a year; stay friends with this lady; see what happens then. That also has the advantage of not hurting your daughter, by letting her see that you have taken some time to pause and take stock after the loss of your wife.

narrowboatnan Sat 06-Apr-19 09:49:31

wot - ‘there’s no fool like an old fool’ . Ouch!

ditzyme Sat 06-Apr-19 09:55:32

There is only a 'suitable' time if you abide by what society says. Some are appalled at a short time lapse between losing a partner and finding happiness, solace. friendship with someone else. They assume also, that if you are moving on so soon, then you have forgotten the loved one you are grieving for, and will continue to do. They are never forgotten, but people are quick to judge. I met my second husband, and married him, 14 months after my first husband collapsed and died suddenly aged 29. If it's right, then you know it is and you should follow your heart and ignore those who say negative things. They have no comprehension of how you feel, so should just mind their own business. Good luck to you, I hope happiness is waiting.

Pauline140 Sat 06-Apr-19 09:59:39

Btoldboy. Please run a mile, this 40 year old has only one aim, do you have money or your own house. This happened to a relative of mine and she was taken to the cleaners. She lost almost everything including the toy boy once the money was gone. She died of a broken heart.

Harris27 Sat 06-Apr-19 10:04:59

I'm cynical but agree with the gransnetters she's too young and I think knows you are vulnerable and money maybe another issue enjoy the friendship but be careful .

Theoddbird Sat 06-Apr-19 10:08:15

You have to learn to be a single person first...this is so important. It is then, and only then that you can be part of a couple again. I have to ask this as it worries me. What is she looking for...I ask this because of the extremely large age gap.

sandelf Sat 06-Apr-19 10:20:30

I think you must be getting the message by now. First priority is to learn to be independent. Not easy. But I'm afraid it's time to grow up. If you choose not, don't be surprised to find you've been used. Imagine yourself as a lady of 40 - why exactly would she want to make a life with a 74 year old - no matter how nice or youthful?... When you are in a proper organised life of your own - then is the time to see whether you would like to share with another person. And as for 'moving on' - people are not quite like library books...

rafichagran Sat 06-Apr-19 10:21:52

Wot No fool like a old fool not nice, the OP came on and asked for advice ,not a old saying that is untrue in some cases. That comment was of no help whatsover. Mixed aged relationships can work.

The above said, I think you should take things slowly, Enjoy a friendship with this woman. If she is genuine time will tell, if she is not, be prepared and walk away.

Also ensure that you have a will and your assets are left to your loved one's. If she starts talking about money and taking too much interest,in your financial situation run for the hills.

Willow10 Sat 06-Apr-19 10:28:31

Is impossible that this lady is just being a kind friend and has absolutely no intention of developing things any further? You may have totally misread the situation in your grief. Please just take your time, enjoy the friendship and learn to live alone before trying to find a new relationship. What is the rush?