Not my husbands priority

How does the mother keep having so many jobs for him to do. If he goes every week, her house must be perfect!!

How old is she? How is her health? If it is jobs like putting the bins out, changing light bulbs etc the others could easily do them. Does she need a home help? Does she think up jobs so she has the company of your husband? How far away is she from you? Had a similar situation with my late mil so I really don't think you are being unreasonable. No easy answers.

Number 1... how many jobs can this mother have that he has to be there every sunday
Number 2.... where are his siblings in all this job doing he seems to enjoy.
Number 3...do your own jobs at home so he doesn’t have to.
Number 4...when he comes home at lunchtime...obviously for his lunch...try not being there. See how that sits!

Hi FruFru, it's hard to imagine how your DH is in himself with little info. Does he do a hard manual job, desk job, have a tough boss? Is he the type to work longer by nature rather than a more disciplined type who'd out the door asap?
No one person is enough to make another's life so I hope that you are interested in some things of your own.
If he's on a treadmill at the moment, what about buying something for him - a little treat he'd not buy for himself, eg a book, a massage, a facial, a plant, chocolate, something for himself. Wrap and handover at lunch saying you know hes busy and no time to treat himself, acknowledging his current routine. Without creating an agenda, the conversation might open up w bit then, or later and you could do as others have suggested and look towards time away.
A walk in the country, by a river or the sea with a treat tea or meal could be relaxing.
Good luck

You are not needy or unreasonable to expect to spend some time with your husband.

My late mil was the same. Once my dh retired it was expected that he would spend much of his time with her. I used to get really annoyed about it and we had many rows.

In the end I learned to use the time he was there to do what I wanted to do and found spending time alone was rather nice as it gave me freedom to develop new hobbies.

In the end, her demands became excessive and led him to reduce the amount of time he could 'spare' to do this and that and drink endless cups of tea ( my mil disliked me from the word go because I had stolen her son). In turn I disliked her intensely because of her nastiness towards me.

I would say let him do what he wants, he will eventually find his own balance.

He's a mummy's boy

I would intervene speedily.
Your husband has one day a week at home and chooses to spend half of it at his mother's house, who has a list of jobs for him to do. Very unfair of both of them. I presume he then comes home to a meal you have prepared for him?

My father used to visit his widowed mother every Friday night to Saturday lunchtime, the cause of many rows between my parents, until she died when she was ninety -four.
When I was married, every time we visited my in-laws my mother in law had a list of jobs for my husband; we once spent the entire six weeks of our summer holiday( both teachers), staying in their new house doing jobs for them prior to them moving. Cause of many rows.

Thank you for all of your replies x yes, you’re right he is a gem! To put some of this into context I don’t work due to disability, so spend a lot of time during the week on my own! So I look forward to him being at home......but then he goes off when his mother clicks her fingers! He’s the black sheep, his brother and sister can do no wrong but he’s gets criticised all the time x the ‘jobs’ his mother asks him to do are a flimsy excuse, I think she’s playing games!

Oh now I do feel sorry for him. He's competing for her approval/affection and that's sad. He's trying to prove that he's as good as his siblings. Is he the middle one? I can see why you would feel unhappy that having been home alone for much of the week you'd love to spend couple time at the weekend. Why not do as some have suggested and take more of a proactive approach? Ask him to bring his mum for lunch or suggest you meet for lunch the three of you. She can't have that many jobs needing doing. I would just tell him you'd like to spend more time with him and suggest planning one weekend away, giving enough time for MiL to get used to the idea that he's not going that weekend. Two can play games- make your moves to win.

I understand how you feel,my situation has been almost the same for many years now.He visited every weekend and then she was in a care home and he went every other day.
It was his choice.
I accept that I'm way down the list of his priorities,but if I wasn't well I'd suddenly come up to the top or very near!mso I'll settle for being well enough to be way down the list!

frufru I can understand why you resent your husband spending a large proportion of his - and your - precious free time at his mum's. I imagine it is particularly galling when you say that your mother in law has been really horrible to you.

I don't know what your husband's relationship is like with his mum but, since she sounds rather selfish, it could be that the message he (and his siblings) has always got from her, and continues to get, is that nothing he does is good enough. Possibly the siblings are competing with each other to please her. I am only guessing but when adult children seem to be excessively at the beck and call of a parent, it is sometimes a pattern that goes back a long way.

On the other hand, it is a dreadful experience to lose a partner and it could be your husband is just very sensitive and caring and feels that, currently, his mum needs him more than you do. I do, though, think the amount of time he spends with her is too much, particularly as other members of the family see her frequently.

Some people are just very manipulative and demanding and it could be that your husband is in a very difficult place at the moment. If it were me, I would be resentful too but I would try not to be and would let things lie for a while. If this situation continues for several months more, I think you must try and calmly explain to him how you feel, rather than risk bottling it all up and then having an explosive argument.

Frufru have you tried talking to you Mil? Woman to woman. If you explained that you're worried about his health..even if that's a white lie, she may put less demand on him. You could say you want to book a holiday as a break and get her to suggest something she thinks he'll like. Get her buy in so she's not put out. Then while you're away, tell him how much you look forward to seeing him when he comes home from work and it would be nice if he relaxed at home more..I don't think he realises how it's affecting him being at the neck and call of his mother..it's not healthy particularly as he is the black sheep, the siblings and mother feed off his insecurities, that's cruel and it needs to stop. Hope this is helpful ??

When I was widowed, every time I mentioned I needed a job doing my son would volunteer, it was lovely to see him but I knew how busy he was, but he insisted. Then one day he came, he looked unwell and he had bad cold. I never mentioned any jobs again, I don't see him much but he does ring me. I knew that in a few years he would be the age my husband was when he died, so I stepped back. I think the world of him and want him to be with his family. Sometimes I feel like asking for something just to see him, but I remember why I backed off. His family did come first but he felt responsible for me, that is probably how your husband I'd, try to book the odd weekend away, go with him one week to his mothers and on the way back home off for lunch somewhere. He sound such a lolely caring man and some mothers do take advantage I think.