Losing friend

Dear blue60
Thank you for your philosophical words , I am sure they are very true and I will keep them in mind

Dear Meta
Thank you for your kind advice , I will really act on it

Hi
How did she come back into your life after 10 years ?

its sad but life moves on while she is here why not make some lovely memories instead of isolating yourself

Thank you for all your messages , your kind words and your advice on how to cope with this ; I have been overwhelmed by all this kindness and I need to reread all the messages as they all contain some pearls of wisdom ; I am going through a tough time but your messages will definitely help me short term and longer term
I love the honesty and the sympathy , this was my first post on gransnet and I have been amazed at how good it is
Thanks for your friendship , I need it

Save up, go and stay with her and have wonderful holidays together.

Hi kiki, my dearest friend moved to the other end of the country over 20 years ago.

After about a year we did lose touch, for 10 years and when she came back into my life it was as if she'd never left and we've been like sisters once again.

A truly good friend is hard to find and worth keeping. We can never get back the years we lost but have so many ahead of us to look forward too.

I moved abroad after my marriage and we were 'away' for 20 years with visits 'home' every year. I kept in touch with 2 very good friends and our relationship didn't change much and we're still good friends. I now have a friend who lives in Sydney who I might see once a year if I'm lucky but we still pick up as if we saw each other a week ago!

Kiki2 you will both need to work at it but it is possible to maintain a good friendship over a distance

I understand where you’re coming from, the prospect of loneliness can be a terrible thing. It’s always easier to be the one moving on than the one who stays behind. Please try and resolve that you will do daily activities to lift your mood even if it’s a little walk in the fresh air if you are able.

I really feel for you too. I moved 300 miles away from my best friend but we managed to keep up once or twice a week on messenger and phone calls. We met up once or twice a year and it was as if we had never been apart. But. She died suddenly 3 years ago and I so miss her. Make the most of what you have got as you never know what is round the corner.

When I read the opening heading about losing a friend I was expecting to read that your friend had died. My friend has just died. I wish wholeheartedly that she had just moved away then we could still communicate. Not sure if reading this will help to soften the blow. I hope it does.

My best friend passed away at the weekend and I’m heartbroken. ?
So I would say make the effort to see your friend and try to enjoy as much time together as possible in one another’s homes.

I moved to a different country and left my best friend behind, but we kept the same close friendship with regular emails so each continued to know all the things that were going on in each other's lives. I stayed with her when I visited and she came and stayed with me. Although I made new friends after I moved she always remained my best friend and I believe that our regular email exchanges played their part in that. Sadly she died nearly two years ago and I really miss her, so cherish your friend whilst you can and make the effort to email her with details of what you have been doing, asking her to do the same. Don't push her away already ... you can always be friends but, like everything else in life, you have to work for it.

I am sorry your friend is moving kiki2, I feel for you, but I do think it is worth the extra effort to maintain contact.

I moved 350 miles away from my two best friends twenty years ago, and although our contact is irregular, I know they love and appreciate me still - and most importantly to me, we have history and both of them remember my late Mum.

Since moving here I have only made acquaintances and am so glad I have these two faithful friends in my life.
In the dreadful snow we had last March, nicknamed the Beast from the East, both of them rang me - none of my local friends. I was stuck here alone with my sheltie for five days, luckily had stocked up.

Is your friend having a leaving party or meal?

When my best friend moved to London, I too felt bereft as we were very close for 20 years. We still managed to meet for weekends, telephoned each other and wrote letters. Our closeness remained intact for many years...until she moved back and we lost touch!

I knew we had changed because during the time she was away I remarried and had a child, while she remained single and wanted to recreate the life we had before - going out, playing sport etc; but I didn't want to go back, so we went our separate ways.

A shame really as we don't have any friendship at all now. I guess we all change without really noticing, and you will too kiki2. Change isn't always a bad thing, even though it may hurt at the time.

You don’t have to feel guilty about your feelings. You can’t help them. You do need to support her through this move though. Best friends are such a different animal in friendship relationships. To be a best friend requires a wonderful commitment that can be hard especially when you are far away from one another. But it’s part of the package.
Tell her how devastated you are and how you feel but say you understand and will be there for her no matter what.
One of my best friends lives in Canada. We text frequently and treat each other to glorious flowers or gifts at Christmas and birthdays. When we get together it is as though we’ve never been apart and we catch up on the minutiae of our lives and laugh and cry a lot. My other best friends are in London. I was born there and they are the friends I’ve known for years, one since school. We knew the frequency of contact would change when I moved to Cornwall four years ago but we’ve all worked at it. I treasure my contact with all four and they with me.
Life does change. But it doesn’t have to mean friendship has to. Not it’s depth anyway. My Canadian friend and I joke about the care home we will be in eventually drinking wine.
Try to see this as a fork in the path but tell yourself and her that you’re going to hold her hand from your path. Hope this helps xx

I agree, please keep seeing your friend. One of my friends moved to the other end of the country about 6 years ago now. I do miss her because we would go out for impromptu meals or whatever. She has two beautiful laptops but does not know how they work.

We are on the phone a lot, not quite daily but near enough. Please keep in touch with her.

kiki2 I so feel for you - I used to work overseas where 3-year contracts were the norm, and at one point, I was just so tired of saying goodbye to people that I gave up that job.

Please do keep seeing your friend, even if it is hard, it would be so sad not to make the most of your friendship while she is here.

kiki2, I feel for you. Happened to me many years ago but we kept the link alive with visits and regular letters (yes, them!). We both made other relationships in the meanwhile but nothing like our superlative one. She is back in this country now. Never thought that might happen. We meet comparatively regularly now plus the benefits of modern technology and long matters on the phone. I'm sorry you're currently avoiding her. I'd make the most of every minute you have. If she's your friend, she'll get the vibes. Love never changes. It just adapts to changes foisted upon it methinks. Go on, meet up with her. Such a waste not to in my opinion.

I am not sure what telling her what you feel would achieve. She cannot really do anything about that and it would just burst her bubble a bit.
Try to visit her on holiday if you can and keep the friendship at whatever level it may be. She might not stay abroad, you never know.
It is hard to deal with but I don't think that people can always put their feelings on others.

16 years ago I moved away from the area I'd lived in since university. Although I only moved just over 50 miles I still miss some of my old friends. I do go back and visit - at first very frequently but now less so - but apart from my house warming / 50th birthday party only one friend has visited me here. I stopped visiting as frequently because I felt I needed to establish myself here and although I've made new friends few are as close as the ones I left behind. I'm now faced with a decision as to where to move when I retire. I need to downsize and move to a cheaper area but do I move back to where I was happy for so many years or do I move nearer my adult children? Will I be able to pick up where I left off with the old friends? Do any of them still miss me as much as I still miss them? I feel quite torn and I sympathise with you. I had no choice but to move last time as my then husband had a new job and the commute was too far. Now I'm alone and the choice is entirely mine.
Will you be able to visit your friend after she moves and have a holiday there? I'm sure she will appreciate it if you can and it will give you both something to look forward to.

It does seem you are suffering unnecessarily by not seeing her as much as you can before she goes. You will have plenty of time to 'get used to it' once she has gone, so why not make the most of the time you have left? My best friend moved to America six years ago. We email each other every day, I've been over to visit and she will be making her third visit back here next week. We are as close now as we have ever been. It's a bigchange for your friend too, try to be happy and supportive.

Kiki2, I do feel for you because one of my close friends has moved away and I rarely see her. The friends I made when my child was at Primary School tailed off when my son didn't go to the same schools as their child so heading fast for the grand old age of 60, I feel that I am suddenly friendless. I have lots of acquaintances but no close friends left. I worry about it sometimes but only see myself as making more acquaintances rather than friends.

I'd feel the same kiki2. It's like a bereavement and I don't think you should feel guilty for experiencing painful emotions. You are human and why wouldn't you be feeling like this? It won't be possible to put a positive spin on the situation while you still feel so stunned and raw, so I'd say don't even try. For the time being, accept your feelings, pain, sadness and all. Give yourself some loving compassion as you would to a friend going through the same thing. It would be perfectly OK for you to tell your friend that you will miss her a lot; that you will miss her company, your meetings and closeness. She will almost certainly have mixed feelings and sense of loss also.
I would agree that it's probably a better plan to see her if you can. You might send mixed messages otherwise, and meeting would give you both a chance to express some of your sadness. If you continue to avoid her you might regret that later and it could signal to her that you didn't value your friendship as much as she thought you did and she might make less effort to keep in touch or to respond to your messages. Take a deep breath and decide to make the most of your remaining time together. Treat yourself gently, take it slowly emotion-wise, but nurture all you have here and now. Good luck.

Hi Kiki. I would say to her that you wish her well and you can't help feeling sad. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It is a loss, it's ok to grieve, just try not to let it drive a wedge between you. It's definitely easier staying in touch long distance. You can even chat via Facebook messenger. Wish you well!