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Losing friend

(42 Posts)
kiki2 Thu 11-Apr-19 20:55:19

I feel devastated as my best friend is moving abroad soon and I am going to feel so lonely . I know she says we can keep in touch but it won’t be the same ; I also feel guilty because I should feel pleased for her but sadly I can t bring myself to do that ; I haven t told her how I feel and don’t know what to do as I can’t lie to her either ; I am even avoiding seeing her at the moment because the thought of not being able to do that soon hurts badly and I would rather get used to her not being around
I don’t know if anybody can help ? I am hurting badly

NanaandGrampy Thu 11-Apr-19 21:06:35

Welcome if this is your first post.

I’m sorry you’re feeling the loss of your friend so keenly but ask you think she will be missing you too? It’s not just about you , you are both likely feeling the same.

By not seeing her you’re punishing her and you ? Not seeing her won’t change how you feel , whether you miss her now or later. Of course you could end up pushing her away totally - is that what you’re trying to do? Will that make you feel better?

I think you should sit down, have a frank discussion but do try and be pleased for her if this is what she wants - that will confirm to her what great friends you are. Hopefully you can visit when she moves .

BlueBelle Thu 11-Apr-19 22:17:30

One of my very close friends moved a long way away about six years ago and yes our friendship has definitely lost itself We still send Christmas and Birthday presents and talk on FB but the closeness has gone We have only managed to meet up once and it was like we d never been apart but it was only for that short time Distance hasn’t changed our friendship but it has taken our closeness away She has a new life new friends and we’ve both had to make our lives separately

Anja Thu 11-Apr-19 22:44:48

Oddly enough I met up with an ‘old’ (she prefers long-standing) friend today that I’ve not seen for a couple of years.

We lived and worked together in the same town when our children were very young and through their teens until the went to Uni. Then she moved north and I moved south.

But it was as if we’d never been apart just as BB says but unlike BB I felt we were just as close as ever. Perhaps that’s because we keep in touch via emails and phone calls? So easy thee days.

CanadianGran Thu 11-Apr-19 22:46:29

I went through a period where 2 good friends moved away in the span of a few months. I too felt bereft. However I put on a smile the best I could and soldiered on. I knew they were feeling overwhelmed with their moves, which were based more on economics and jobs rather than retirement.

One of my friends ended up moving back after 7 or 8 years, but the other is still far away. We will make a coffee date on a Sunday morning and yak on the phone for an hour or more getting caught up. When we do visit each other (maybe every few years) we will spend endless hours talking, laughing and sometimes crying.

Friendships need to be nourished; you get back what you put in. I'm sure your friend is nervous about starting fresh somewhere and will miss you terribly once the excitement of settling in settles down. Make sure to call her and try to plan a visit so you both have something to look forward to.

From what I hear from my faraway friend, she has made acquaintances but new friends never replace old ones. She cherishes our phone visits as much as I do.

Chin up, thinking of you.

rosecarmel Thu 11-Apr-19 22:57:40

All I can offer is understanding - You may regret not seeing your friend before they move or you may not - But I've a feeling something deeper is bothering you - If so, just be honest with yourself about what that may be - Doing so might help you to see the bigger picture and provide you with confidence to proceed regardless of what you decide to do -

Good luck!

Chewbacca Thu 11-Apr-19 23:27:10

I also had 2 very good, close friends who moved hundreds of miles away for their work and families. We promised we'd always stay in touch and keep the friendship alive with phone calls, Facebook and occasional visits to each other. It did work for a year or so but, as they became more settled in their new home, jobs and friendships; the phone calls became fewer and more brief and my invitations to meet up were accepted less frequently due to pressure of new commitments with jobs and families.

It's very sad, and I wish it wasn't so, but I fully understand and appreciate that they've had to build new lives and new social networks to enable them to settle happily in their new homes. We still keep in touch sporadically but I'm afraid it's harder on the ones left behind, rather than the ones moving on.

kiki2 Fri 12-Apr-19 08:48:09

Yes that’s what I think and fear exactly , that’s why I am very sad

kiki2 Fri 12-Apr-19 08:50:20

Thank you for your words of encouragement ; however , my friend has never been one for phoning ; she would text and we would meet ; it’s those meetings especially that I will miss

kiki2 Fri 12-Apr-19 08:52:23

Yes I think that is what will happen and that is why I am so depressed ; you can t just replace a friend with whom you were so clise

Harris27 Fri 12-Apr-19 10:36:30

Bless you I feel for you. I hav friends are that I worked wit hand we meet up for a coffee we have known each other for twenty years and are always happy to chat away and speak on the phone. You will find other things to occupy you your just sad at the moment. Wishing you all the best.

inishowen Fri 12-Apr-19 10:41:53

My best friend since school days moved to another country 12 years ago. We text and use facebook. I've never liked phone calls much. She comes home to see her mother about once a year and we meet up for lunch. The friendship HAS changed because we no longer know the ins and outs of each others lives. I feel we should have made more of an effort but time has gone on and we've let things drift. Try to be more proactive when your friend moves.

TwiceAsNice Fri 12-Apr-19 11:07:19

I moved away 150 miles so still in this country from my best friend 3 years ago. We speak on the phone every week and we visit each other every couple of months . We are still as close as ever even though we miss each
other loads. Just keep connection as best you can and work hard to keep the friendship fresh

pce612 Fri 12-Apr-19 11:19:17

You can Skype her and speak face to face.

ReadyMeals Fri 12-Apr-19 11:27:37

A few years ago my husband and I were considering moving to the seaside, which would have been about 2 hours from my best friend who has always lived within about 10 minutes from us. She told me that she'd hate me moving and not to be able to see me as often. So I ditched the plans, and my husband understood. Friends do owe each other some consideration. Is it possible your friend might have also ditched her plans if you'd told her how upset you'd be?

Jackie1980 Fri 12-Apr-19 11:28:31

Hi Kiki2
I feel for you I really do but I hope I can put a different perspective on it for you ...
I lost my best friend just over 3 years ago. We were so close and I still miss her every day. She was only 50 and passed away suddenly.

I would be so pleased right now if she were still with us even if it was the other side of the world as we could still stay in contact. There is the phone, email, Skype, face time or good old fashioned letter writing. If you have a special bond the distance won't matter.

I really do understand how sad you feel but maybe looking for the positive in the situation and realise you still both have a close friendship that will survive the distance. Also think of the great holidays you could have meeting up again.

Good luck to both of you and I hope you both work it out as a good friendship is too precious to let go unless you have no choice xx thanks

red1 Fri 12-Apr-19 11:38:22

people move away for all sorts of reasons ,you have to go through a sort of grieving process, yes there is skype etc
but it isn't the same. theres all sorts of quotes about a friendships being close even when you are miles apart.I feel they are attempts to deny the fact that they moved away .I have had friends move away over time, the connections become faded some eventually fade out.It happened with my son and family as time goes on i miss them less, i accept now they are gone from my everyday life ,very sad but very true.

Sandigold Fri 12-Apr-19 11:41:09

Hi Kiki. I would say to her that you wish her well and you can't help feeling sad. It's nothing to be ashamed of. It is a loss, it's ok to grieve, just try not to let it drive a wedge between you. It's definitely easier staying in touch long distance. You can even chat via Facebook messenger. Wish you well!

Rowantree Fri 12-Apr-19 11:45:11

I'd feel the same kiki2. It's like a bereavement and I don't think you should feel guilty for experiencing painful emotions. You are human and why wouldn't you be feeling like this? It won't be possible to put a positive spin on the situation while you still feel so stunned and raw, so I'd say don't even try. For the time being, accept your feelings, pain, sadness and all. Give yourself some loving compassion as you would to a friend going through the same thing. It would be perfectly OK for you to tell your friend that you will miss her a lot; that you will miss her company, your meetings and closeness. She will almost certainly have mixed feelings and sense of loss also.
I would agree that it's probably a better plan to see her if you can. You might send mixed messages otherwise, and meeting would give you both a chance to express some of your sadness. If you continue to avoid her you might regret that later and it could signal to her that you didn't value your friendship as much as she thought you did and she might make less effort to keep in touch or to respond to your messages. Take a deep breath and decide to make the most of your remaining time together. Treat yourself gently, take it slowly emotion-wise, but nurture all you have here and now. Good luck. flowers

icanhandthemback Fri 12-Apr-19 11:46:22

Kiki2, I do feel for you because one of my close friends has moved away and I rarely see her. The friends I made when my child was at Primary School tailed off when my son didn't go to the same schools as their child so heading fast for the grand old age of 60, I feel that I am suddenly friendless. I have lots of acquaintances but no close friends left. I worry about it sometimes but only see myself as making more acquaintances rather than friends.

Willow10 Fri 12-Apr-19 11:53:42

It does seem you are suffering unnecessarily by not seeing her as much as you can before she goes. You will have plenty of time to 'get used to it' once she has gone, so why not make the most of the time you have left? My best friend moved to America six years ago. We email each other every day, I've been over to visit and she will be making her third visit back here next week. We are as close now as we have ever been. It's a bigchange for your friend too, try to be happy and supportive. flowers

jocork Fri 12-Apr-19 11:59:53

16 years ago I moved away from the area I'd lived in since university. Although I only moved just over 50 miles I still miss some of my old friends. I do go back and visit - at first very frequently but now less so - but apart from my house warming / 50th birthday party only one friend has visited me here. I stopped visiting as frequently because I felt I needed to establish myself here and although I've made new friends few are as close as the ones I left behind. I'm now faced with a decision as to where to move when I retire. I need to downsize and move to a cheaper area but do I move back to where I was happy for so many years or do I move nearer my adult children? Will I be able to pick up where I left off with the old friends? Do any of them still miss me as much as I still miss them? I feel quite torn and I sympathise with you. I had no choice but to move last time as my then husband had a new job and the commute was too far. Now I'm alone and the choice is entirely mine.
Will you be able to visit your friend after she moves and have a holiday there? I'm sure she will appreciate it if you can and it will give you both something to look forward to.

Jaycee5 Fri 12-Apr-19 12:16:32

I am not sure what telling her what you feel would achieve. She cannot really do anything about that and it would just burst her bubble a bit.
Try to visit her on holiday if you can and keep the friendship at whatever level it may be. She might not stay abroad, you never know.
It is hard to deal with but I don't think that people can always put their feelings on others.

Kim19 Fri 12-Apr-19 12:18:51

kiki2, I feel for you. Happened to me many years ago but we kept the link alive with visits and regular letters (yes, them!). We both made other relationships in the meanwhile but nothing like our superlative one. She is back in this country now. Never thought that might happen. We meet comparatively regularly now plus the benefits of modern technology and long matters on the phone. I'm sorry you're currently avoiding her. I'd make the most of every minute you have. If she's your friend, she'll get the vibes. Love never changes. It just adapts to changes foisted upon it methinks. Go on, meet up with her. Such a waste not to in my opinion.

humptydumpty Fri 12-Apr-19 12:25:22

kiki2 I so feel for you - I used to work overseas where 3-year contracts were the norm, and at one point, I was just so tired of saying goodbye to people that I gave up that job.

Please do keep seeing your friend, even if it is hard, it would be so sad not to make the most of your friendship while she is here.