She sounds just like my stepson’s wife. She even physically attacked me one Christmas Eve. I didn’t go for hospital treatment because I knew that the A&E would be rammed. She also attacked me on FB and her family also joined in and called me four letter words I have never used. It was deeply shocking. I know she attacks my stepson, but he’s put up with it for 20 years. We have been NC for four years. Maybe one day he will leave her. I hope you get a good outcome eventually.
Gransnet forums
Relationships
Difficult DIL
(77 Posts)My oldest son and his wife have been married for almost 20 years. They have one child (my only grandchild), a six year old boy. I have three sons total but he is the only one married and living nearby. We lived an hour away until about a year ago when we moved within 15 minutes. The move was for my husband's job but I am certainly happy to be closer to my grandson.
I have never had a close relationship with my DIL although I have tried over the years. She seems to have contentious relationships with almost everyone including her sister with whom she has had physical confrontations to the point of requiring stitches and is often at odds with her parents. She appears to be the type of person that gets satisfaction out of a knock-down drag-out fight followed by making up. I just don't and can't operate that way. I avoid her as much as I can. She has cost me friends by getting into fights with them on social media and everyone in my family of origin just cringes when they know she will be at any event. My son tells me that she is crazy and that, as soon as their son is old enough to choose his own custodial parent, they will divorce. Of course, I also see him be very nice and accommodating and to end phone calls with "I love you". I told him the other day that that is very confusing to me but that it is his business, that I am here if he needs me but I won't interfere.
Here are some examples of the interaction between my DIL and myself. When the grandson was 3, he told me that he wanted to be an astronaut when he grew up and wanted to go to the moon. Then he pointed at me and said, "And I want you to go with me, Grandma." His mother said, "Well, she'll be dead by then." She never has a kind word to say to me and has a great deal of resentment for any time I try to spend with my son, even if we do something like meet for coffee in honor of my birthday. In late December, she physically attacked my son, scratching and hitting him to the point that he had to wear turtlenecks for the next several days to work. She also attacked him last September. Those are just the two times I know about. After the last attack, she called me crying because he was upset about it, didn't understand that she felt out of control, and didn't sympathize with her that she was upset it happened. She said they were having a nice weekend and she just flipped out. I was supportive and calm, advising her to see her doctor. That was my behavior toward her, but inside I am incredibly disturbed, angry, and worried about my son and grandson. I found out that she had gotten off her thyroid medication over Christmas. She asked me to accompany her to a counselor's appointment in February which I quickly agreed to in the hope that we'd have a more positive relationship. She spent the hour laying out rules for how I was supposed to act. The counselor had to call her down twice for being so contemptuous toward me and I guess the light came on for me in the session -- no matter how nice, helpful, supportive I try to be, she feels nothing but contempt toward me. My son told me last week that she has been asking him to minimize contact with me because it stresses her out. He also told me that when the three of them walk anywhere together, she insists my son be in the middle because their child should not come between them. That was disturbing to me. And I'll add that the vast majority of her conversations with me are nothing more than her bitching about my son. I HATE that and have tried to get her to stop but she won't. She screams and fights with my son in front of my grandson and I am really worried about him.
Bottom line and questions: Is this the way some people act in families and I have just been too sheltered? My son tells me there is nothing I can do to please her so I shouldn't try but I see myself being edged out of the grandson's life more and more so, until the counselor's session, I kept trying. I don't know how to be able to spend time with my grandson without having to spend time with her. And, honestly, if I asked my son to come over without her, I would fully expect him to say that if she isn't welcome, he won't come over either. He probably wouldn't do that but, on some level, I would respect him if he did. I am worried about my grandson. I feel like giving up but my son tells me the grandson often begs to come spend time at my house (without his parents) so I know he loves his Grandma despite what he might hear about me from his mother. Advice for dealing with a difficult DIL?
Abusive relationship - seems she saw the light fleetingly when she asked for your help to go to see a counsellor with her - sounds like she has trouble sustaining relationships - maybe even borderline personality disorder switching between loving and hating a person - your grandson as an only child could be particular affected by this and despite all the advice for you to keep out of the relationship and to take what your son says with caution, you’ve seen this behaviour for yourself - I would try to maximise contact with your grandson to normalise his life as much as possible - offer help to your DIL as often as you can even though you know it will be flung back in your face and suggest your son also see a counsellor because he’s in the receiving end of all this - good luck.
Counselling does take time. She seems to have used the first session to vent her feeling about you which, although it is difficult to hear, is understandable if it what is on her chest that she needs to get out. Was there any truth in anything she said? She may be completely off the wall in which case there is no much you can do, but if there is anything you can agree with that you could do differently, it might help.
There is obviously no point in going to any further sessions but hopefully she will continue to go. She may be deflecting things that happened in her childhood on to you or she may be unbalanced or just not a very nice person.
Either way, maybe it is worth waiting to see if the Counselling has any effect. If it starts to, it might be worth your son asking her if she will go to joint Counselling.
I agree with the people who are saying that your son needs to keep a record both in diary form and photographs of any injuries. It is going to be a long time until he son is going to be able to decide who he wants to live with (which is a very difficult decision for a child, they will often choose the person they think needs them most even if it is not the best for them). If he can get some joint therapy before then it might be good but I would let the existing Counselling run its course first.
She obviously is recognising that there is a problem and trying to get help.
He (and you) need to make a record of what's going on - and he should certainly be going to his GP to make sure that there is an official record. Maybe there's someone at work he can talk to? Get as much recorded as possible. I used to work in an organisation for victims of domestic violence, both men and women, and one of the most difficult things we found was that the victim had often hidden what was going on for so long that by the time they were ready to walk away, there was little evidence of the violence. One father (he was the abuser) successfully got joint custody because the mother (the victim) couldn't prove he'd been violent towards her, and sometimes threatened the kids too. Why does he put up with it? He's probably so used to trying to calm her down and not "provoke" an outburst (as he/she would see it) that he's become used to it and sees it as normal. It's not. The sooner he can gather together this evidence, the sooner he can walk away with his son and start living a happier life.
Grumpy Grandad - this is the first time I have seen a comment on this site from you.
What you have said is not helpful to someone who clearly needs help and advice, which is her reason for posting. It is actually very unkind.
If you are getting an accurate picture of your DIL, it sounds like she has Narcissistic Personality Disorder. It's really your son's responsibility to seek help, goodness knows how all this is affecting your grandson. I know of a group on Facebook that supports estranged parents which might be helpful to you. Please send me a message if you would like to know more.
Either your DIL has some mental health issues or is an abusive spouse. I am unclear as to whether your son has actually asked for your advice, or not.
If he has, ask yourself what would you tell a daughter in this situation? Surely that an abusive spouse will never change and that it would be better for everyone if they divorced now.
Can your son prove that his wife is abusive and has attacked him physically? If he cannot, he is going to find it difficult to prove that she is not fit to take care of their son.
Next time she attacks him, he needs to go to the doctor or the ER pronto and insist that photos are taken of his injuries. I know it is difficult for a man to admit that his wife beats or otherwise injures him, but for his own and his child's sake he needs to either get treatment for his wife, or divorce her.
Well, I am so sorry to read Bishop's story. Even very bad people get married and have children, but their nature always comes out in the end. You say they have been married almost 20 years. That's a long time and I wonder when her behaviour became like this. Could she be menopausal? I think Bishop should go with her to counselling if asked, even if just to hear what she says and what the counsellor says. At least there is some communication and you can bet the counsellor is not going to believe her if she is contemptuous towards Bishop again. I am a bit worried about the boy though, The son and Bishop can probably defend themselves to a degree but the little boy won't. At the first sign of anything his mum does towards him he should be removed.
By the way I think Grumpy's pictures are sweet but irrelevant, and had to smile at how similar the grandchild looks to the Grandad...
Why wait until the child is older? If a woman was suffering this we'd all be advising her to leave the relationship pretty damn quickly.
Bishop mentioned thyroid medication- I wonder is it for over-active thyroid? That can give rise to a sort of manic state. I was hyperthyroid for years, on and off medication, and while I was never manic (I think), when I saw endocrinologist, he suggested I was and warned me about making any important decisions. He said he had known people to break up marriage or lose job because of the effects of overactive thyroid.
He then told me he’d based his opinion on the fact that I talked fast and didn’t finish sentences ☹️. I’ve always been like this!
Anyway, my point is that some of dil’s behaviour could be related to thyroid issues and it might be a good idea if son could persuade her to see doc for blood test.
Lizkaz1
Would you give the same advice to the OP if it were her daughter being abused and attacked rather than her son?
I am very sorry this is happening to you OP it's sounds a horrible situation and not normal for most familiess. Of course no one except the people in a marriage know what is actually happening and the situation could be more complex than it seems.
I don't understand your son saying he is waiting until his child is older before leaving If things are as they seem your son would be better leaving now and applying for joint custody because surely the atmosphere can not be good for a child. In either case you have to let him decide and try as much as possible to keep out of it and stay neutral in arguments.
I would try and ignore your DiLs odd behaviour and try and act as normally as is possible around her. Being as caring and understaning as you can. Continue to invite them all to your house and behave as though she were not treating you badly.
It does sound as though she has some mental health problems though and anger issues do you know what her childhood was like?, does she have unresolved conflict?
Having now digested Grumpy's words I agree with those who think them unhelpful.
Stop it Grumpy!!!
I am so so sorry but your son is in an abusive relationship. He has a duty to protect his son from violence.
He needs to go to the GP and report everything. Then log every physical assault with the police. He must create a paper trail.
He could leave the home with his son and only allow supervised visitation until she applies to court.
grumpy unlike you Op appears to know her way around a private forum and has concealed her identity. Have you gotten the permission off that babies parents to post his image here?
They have been married 20 years, long time. They are adults. It is there relationship to deal with , not yours. You don't say she is abusive to the little boy and you also don't listen to her complaints about your son. You only hear what your son is telling you. Of course any abuse is very wrong, but you seem to put all the blame for their problems at your DILs door. It's usually 6 of one and half a dozen of the other. Perhaps she is angry with you for seeing your son through rose coloured glasses. Are you blinkered where he is concerned, or is he perfect? Would you be more patient and understanding if she were your daughter I wonder? lots to consider. But not getting involved in their relationship has got to be the first step.
Although it is of course a good idea to note down all incidents (in fact it may be a basis for seeing more clearly how bad a situations is - or not), it is hard to get behaviour taken notice of by the court. Of course if there is a diagnosed mental disorder or police evidence etc it is different, but it is not easy to get a diagnosis of borderline or narcissistic personality disorder, as the sufferer often doesn't admit to it. My DS left over a year ago, and DIL's delaying tactics mean he hasn't got near anything being sorted with anything nearing half custody, or finances. Personality disorders often mean the affected person believes they are totally blameless, as they cannot accept their own failings and project them onto others, who thereby become a subject of hate. A person who truly believes they are in the right in all things does not see any need to negotiate or compromise, so are really hard to deal with.
moobox that is so correct. My son had DiL were forced to attend mediation which he had to pay for. The mediator, after 2 sessions, told him, referring to DiL that “you cannot reason with unreasonable people”. Back at the Court she was chastised by the Court and an order was given in my sons favour. When he asked for it in writing he was told it was not necessary. Heartbreakingly it was because she just continued to defy the Court.
On a slightly different note here - just a point of clarification. I understand that at a court hearing (if there was a divorce and it came to that) a child's wishes (about which parent they want to live with) can be taken into account, regardless of age, if the court considers that the child is able to express a clear opinion. (I'm paraphrasing here.) Obviously this depends upon the child, but, as I understand it, a six year old could say what he wants to happen and where he wants to live. (I don't think that a young child would be required to attend the court - his views would be reported to the court by the appropriate person/s.)
Yes, littleflo, relationship counsellors and mediators just say it is not appropriate to go any further, leaving court as the only option.
Granygranby... exactly the same here!! I love it when other peoples children play/talk to me but like you it heightens the awareness of the time lost with gc.
hope you have a good day
Nannypiano there are times when good people have to do something and for the sake of
Bishop's grandson I hope someone does it soon.
Grannytotwins...sounds awful for all of you, try to keep contact with them especially gs. If your son can influence her to see doc about thyroid problem. Not much else you can do...just keep a low profile and be there when asked!
Good luck 
Bishop, firstly I cannot understand why you ask if this type of behaviour is normal in families when you must know that it isn’t .
Your daughter sounds very scary, must be awful for that vulnerable little boy to witness such behaviour. You say that your daughter in law actually fights and once ended up in the other person needing stitches. Your son has needed a high necked sweater to cover injuries yet is prepared to stay in this marriage exposing a 6 year old to witness awful behaviour from his mum and submissive behaviour from his dad. The two main people in a little boys life are prepared for him to see awful behaviour and do nothing to improve it. I am sorry but your son sounds weak, I
am sure he is frightened of his wife but he must become more responsible and remove this little boy before he is irretrievably damaged from this awful childhood.
Sorry, I meant daughter in law
Are you in the U.K. Bishop?
Pippa 22 I too wondered about the whereabouts of Bishop. If she and family are not in the U.K. while our support will no doubt help, some advice might be unsuitable.
Join the conversation
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »