My tragic, homeless adult daughter is stamping around my little rural village shouting and swearing and despairing. She so desperately wants to be loved and cared for, and has been so badly hurt in the past. My problem is that I'm sick of her dramas and hysterics, self justifications and denials. She is ill. She is alcohol dependent. She uses cocaine to excess when she can get hold of it. She is mentally so unwell that one psychologist has told me that he did not think she could endure to understand her true situation. She would not engage with the program and still lacks a diagnosis of her mental health condition. Her refuge in life has been a succession of violently abusive and demeaning men she has chosen to cling on to for love and support.
She has also been dependent on me and any other kindly benefactor she could get hold of for at least a decade. Her 'job' is flirting topless online for money. A job she cannot now do as her last iphone, of many, many iphones, ipads, phones and similar, has been sold for the money. She spends any wages or benefits she gets on extravagant and high-end items. That she will lose or discard within days generally, or weeks at most. She is homeless because she has a dreadful reputation as a tenant, cannot use money responsibly to pay deposits and has just been evicted from a refuge for her behaviour and refusal to engage with them or work towards becoming independent. That she spent much of the time she was supposed to be at the refuge actually staying with a man friend did not help her case.
Her children are now with court appointed guardians. She is full of resentment for the 'lies' that were told about her in court. There were no lies. She was a bad mother. The involvement of Social Services was a fact in the lives of all that family for many years and the final decision of removal was totally justified.
She leads a chaotic life, by choice, and had no wish to 'parent' as she wanted to be her children's best friend. Which she did sometimes, and other times would just leave them on their own for days. Often with no food, no clean clothes and with the instruction to not let people know. She refuses to remember any of this, which is understandable enough. But I have a hard time when she screams at the pain of losing them, because she was given so many, many chances to step up to the mark and be a decent and responsible mum. So I have no sympathy with her fantasy of how she was a brilliant mother and there were no grounds for her beloved children to be taken away. Only resentment because I was drained and used and did all I could to help and to make up for her lifestyle, but lost them too. The court awarded me more visits per year than my daughter, their mother, as I was seen as a good influence.
Of course the contacts are never relaxed and fun, it's never not supervised and it's never just us being ourselves. I feel a bitter loss. And anger, because it was all so unnecessary.
I have a constant headache when she is here, but as the alternative is her sleeping rough I feel I have no choice. She DID sleep rough one night last week. Just the one night, as a man took pity on her and had her stay in his room where he'd have lost his place if anyone had found out. No sex, or any intention of it, just being kind.
And that was enough to break her willingness to have her mental health assessed as she had finally been persuaded to do. The mental health diagnosis that would have had her placed in the 'vulnerable adult' category and therefore more likely to get help, protection, support.
All this is true. And I am so almighty sick of it that if she were to die today I'd be mourning not only the lost and lonely woman she is, but the happy and intelligent child I used to know who seemed to be gone for good some years ago.
There is nothing I can say or do that does not seem to upset her. Earlier she complained so very shrilly and loud that my ear genuinely aches with it still. I did not know this was even possible. I have also learned why the phrase 'a pain in the neck' came about. It's at the base of the skull. Where the tension knots you up and bewilders you with pain and confusion.
She's only been living here just over a day. The trip down was one I'd only wish on my best enemy with the screaming and posturing and carrying on all the three hundred mile odd drive to get here. I don't know how long I can stand this, or where there is left to turn. I can't stand her dramas and the way she is destroying what little peace I had left.
I am so sorry to read this - it must be very difficult for you. Try to remember that she is not creating your angst - you are the one who is letting it all get to you - try to rise above it. You are who you are and she is who she is
so sorry for the situation that you are in . Such a difficult place as a mum. Sorry that I have no words of advise as don't feel experienced or qualified to give any. Sending hugs from one mum to another xx
It is totally heartbreaking. You cannot live another person's life, nor should you try. Live your own life and live well. It's the worst pain but you cannot help or change your daughter. She seems to have no redeeming features as person. What does she do for you??? You HAVE to let go. Best wishes to you. Be strong.
Oh heavens NanaRayna I know exactly where you are coming from, but your story is far worse than mine, and I thought mine was bad enough .....
My eldest at 25 turned out surprisingly to be VERY clever, and despite having 1 GCSE in Drama, was given 5 unconditional offers to go to do a Masters Degree in Equine Science, a subject in which she is very passionate ... she did her first year and got a 1st overall, boy was I proud of her!
Then, it turns out that she hadn't actually sat the initial exams and she had to do them late because she had seriously panicked about it all and the pressure was too much - she then made some suicide attempts - tried to get her some help - seems it has been going on since Jan 2018 .... to cut a long story very short she has deferred Uni and come back home - now we could never live together before, we are too alike, but I was backed into a corner as there is nowhere else for her to go - she has actually been working which is good, although as she doesn't drive (although she has a car which has now been losing money daily in depreciation for 2 years) I have to get up at 5.30am to take her there .... and that is ALL she does, other than scream and shout at me at the top of her voice. She has been seen by 2 Psychiatrists who seem to think there is nothing wrong with her, not even mild depression, but she acts like a toddler, even threw my shopping at a cashier in Waitrose missing him by a whisker, then refused to get out of my car assaulting me in the process! She acts irrationally, is evil with her language and I want her gone! If i ever want her to do something she doesn't want to do, the answer I get is "well I will kill myself then, that is what you want, me dead". She has made 8 or 9 attempts now by generally stealing my medication or stashing it and taking it all at once, but as a 'scientist' and being clever, she hasn't made a 'good attempt' as it were which to me means a cry for help - but when offered it she won't take it! She has been here 6 months now and NOTHING has changed, she hasn't moved forward at all, gets no treatment etc ... As you say she is taking the little bit of peace I have left, I am not well anyway, and because I feel so bad I am not looking after myself - forget to take my insulin and my meds, am not interested in doing anything in the house as she is there, in bed doing nothing - I feel as though she is killing me slowly., in fact both my kids are. They seem to resent me being ill, will not help me at all, and the other has banned me from my granddaughter, which I knew she would at some point, even before the little one was born. I did my best with my girls but it seems that it wasn't good enough as I wasn't able to do as much because of my deteriorating health etc and had to leave them with their father as I was unable to cope with their behaviours sadly .... it is horrible as they both have physically as well as verbally and mentally abused me, I have nothing to look forward to in life and actually I would find it very easy to give in very soon ....
I just want to say - you're wonderful. Not many people would have been able to cope, but you have - even though you need to vent your feelings of despair. You are resilient. Hang on to your peace and don't let her destroy it. You are doing good.
Yes I have just read the long post again and seen the bit about being meanly unstable, so yes I wrong in this on her making poor choices. But as long as her mother supports her the agencies concerned will not help much. Her mother really needs to let go and that is hard for any mother to, but it is for the sake of her own health as well.
Barmeyoldbat Poor judgment is often a symptom of mental illness. My neighbour gives her keys away, her benefit card away, will spend a month's benefits on scratch cards and throw most of them away without even scratching them off.
You can call these things choices, but her illness is guiding her choices. No one chooses to have that kind of disordered mind. It is frightening and embarrassing and the fact that someone is mentally ill does not mean that they are not capable of being embarrassed by their actions.
But I do. Anyway I will take out the first part of the sentence, reading Sorry Annie not to agree with but leave the rest in. OK
Barmeyoldbat this thread is not for disagreeing.
Alcohol affects the brain, fact.
Sorry Annie not to agree with you, she has chosen not to take the help offered, she choose to drink and take drugs. Ok it creeps up o you but she has refused countless offers of help. Why should her mothers health suffer as a result. Time for tough love.
There is absolutely no need to apologise for venting. The focus is usually always on the people suffering mental health and addiction issues and not on those who are close to them and have to suffer the fall-out. There is only so much you can do, and take. Maybe you should now focus on your relationship with your grandchildren to have a more positive focus. I know it is not easy to give up on those you love, but you really do have to think of yourself sometimes. I wish you all the best x
Oh NanaRayna i feel so sorry for you all but sometimes with the best will in the world we cant cope with situations on our own and need professional help. Having a chat with your own doctor might help and also families anonymous sound helpful too. You need help quickly as this situation is not going to do you any good and you need to think about yourself and your own health. Please dont think you are alone. There is a lot of help out there but you need be able to find it. This is were the health professionals come in. Please get some support. My heart goes out to you. I really hope you find the right path soon.
I can only add my heartfelt sympathies to you and the rest of your family. I hope you can get the strength you need to see you through this. I'm new to GN but this is a heartbreaking post and I hope things get better for you and your grandchildren.
I really feel for you and I hope sharing your situation helps you feel a little less alone. I think you've tried long enough and it's time to focus on your own needs! If you'd like support to do that please let myself
Oh NanaRayna I must add my heartfelt sorrow for you and what you're having to deal with. I've no real advice except to urge you to see your GP who may just be able to offer you some support. It's time to let go and allow yourself peace. I can only guess this is far easier said than done.
I question those who have said she has made a lifestyle choice. Does anyone choose to be an alcoholic or drug addict? I thought it was something that crept up on people and is an illness.
I just Googled Serenity Prayer and discovered it is something used at AA meetings but I think it is probably something we could all learn from and would help in this situation.
God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would like it.
Trusting that He will make all things right,
If I surrender to his will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this world
And supremely happy in the next.
May I add mental illness and alcohol dependency is not a life style choice .
As a mother who had the choice between ‘tough love’ ! or never giving up on my child I chose the latter , i separated my beloved daughter from the illness , it damaged my health , the illness took her life .
Neither decision is right or wrong , how I ache for you x
I wish I could give you some words of comfort but my thoughts are with you
This is one of the saddest post I’ve ever read.
I can’t help but I hope you can find the help you as a family need. To let go of your baby is one of the hardest things a parent to do.
I hope you can find the help she needs
I am late to this thread NanaRaynabut much sympathy.
It sounds very much that you have stood by your daughter and done all in your power to help her, but you are obviously at the end of your tether.
We tend to love our children, no matter what, but I think you have very good grounds for leaving her to sink or swim. Her behaviour is making you ill. You must be living on your nerves.
If she is not prepared or ready to receive the help she so desperately needs, there is little you can do.
I understand you want to give her a bed for the night so she is safe, but she is abusing your love and hospitality.
I don't know the mental health s/drug users support systems well enough to advise you, but you have to distance yourself from her. You may be enabling her bad behaviour as you are the port in the storm, always there.
I hope others have been able to offer you advice regarding where to turn next, but I do think the time has come when you have to, with heavy heart, close the door on her, because you need to take care of yourself. Your well-being is threatened.
Sending you warm thoughts. We never know how our adult children will turn out, do we? 
Heart broken for you, OP. Thinking of you all day since I read your story. Please do contact Famanon for support as one poster suggested. You can’t be as strong as you are for much longer without help from people who are going through similar situations
You and your daughter will be in my prayers x?
So sorry to hear about your daughter. There really is nothing I can say that would be of any help except my heart goes out to you and I hope she and you find peace somehow somewhere soon.
Your daughter has made a lifestyle choice, not your choice or mine but it is hers and I am afraid I think the only option is tough love. Don't have her living with you even if it means living on the streets and try (easier said than done) to distance yourself from her. Your own health is very important and you need to look after yourself not your adult daughter who has chosen to go down thief route. They will not section you for a lifestyle choice I am afraid. I hope now you have put pen to paper, so as to speak, it will help you and my thoughts are with you.
I have a son who is a heroin addict. Helped to get clean, get a job live with me. Numerous times, and even with his younger brother on one occasion who was married with a daughter. Four years ago after yet another lapse and people knocking on the door for money he owed, he disappeared of his own accord to live on the streets (again). He continued contact via text and messenger with every excuse to get money from me. Then one day I saw the light and told him I would never give him money again and couldn’t let him be part of my life any more. He will be forty on his next birthday. It was hard but the best thing for everyone, even him because he seems to get off drugs when he’s homeless. Probably just can’t get the money. It heartbreaking but I don’t regret my decision at all.
Oh NanaRayna it's so so hard to accept what you know in your heart, and that's that you can't do anything. You have to find a way to turn this over to a professional before it breaks you.
My heart hurts for you... Please please be brutal, it calls for tough love now. If you can try to keep us updated xx
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join the discussion, watch threads and lots more.
Register now »Already registered? Log in with:
Gransnet »Get our top conversations, latest advice, fantastic competitions, and more, straight to your inbox. Sign up to our daily newsletter here.
