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Sorry to vent here - am in despair

(118 Posts)
NanaRayna Tue 16-Apr-19 21:41:33

My tragic, homeless adult daughter is stamping around my little rural village shouting and swearing and despairing. She so desperately wants to be loved and cared for, and has been so badly hurt in the past. My problem is that I'm sick of her dramas and hysterics, self justifications and denials. She is ill. She is alcohol dependent. She uses cocaine to excess when she can get hold of it. She is mentally so unwell that one psychologist has told me that he did not think she could endure to understand her true situation. She would not engage with the program and still lacks a diagnosis of her mental health condition. Her refuge in life has been a succession of violently abusive and demeaning men she has chosen to cling on to for love and support.
She has also been dependent on me and any other kindly benefactor she could get hold of for at least a decade. Her 'job' is flirting topless online for money. A job she cannot now do as her last iphone, of many, many iphones, ipads, phones and similar, has been sold for the money. She spends any wages or benefits she gets on extravagant and high-end items. That she will lose or discard within days generally, or weeks at most. She is homeless because she has a dreadful reputation as a tenant, cannot use money responsibly to pay deposits and has just been evicted from a refuge for her behaviour and refusal to engage with them or work towards becoming independent. That she spent much of the time she was supposed to be at the refuge actually staying with a man friend did not help her case.
Her children are now with court appointed guardians. She is full of resentment for the 'lies' that were told about her in court. There were no lies. She was a bad mother. The involvement of Social Services was a fact in the lives of all that family for many years and the final decision of removal was totally justified.
She leads a chaotic life, by choice, and had no wish to 'parent' as she wanted to be her children's best friend. Which she did sometimes, and other times would just leave them on their own for days. Often with no food, no clean clothes and with the instruction to not let people know. She refuses to remember any of this, which is understandable enough. But I have a hard time when she screams at the pain of losing them, because she was given so many, many chances to step up to the mark and be a decent and responsible mum. So I have no sympathy with her fantasy of how she was a brilliant mother and there were no grounds for her beloved children to be taken away. Only resentment because I was drained and used and did all I could to help and to make up for her lifestyle, but lost them too. The court awarded me more visits per year than my daughter, their mother, as I was seen as a good influence.
Of course the contacts are never relaxed and fun, it's never not supervised and it's never just us being ourselves. I feel a bitter loss. And anger, because it was all so unnecessary.
I have a constant headache when she is here, but as the alternative is her sleeping rough I feel I have no choice. She DID sleep rough one night last week. Just the one night, as a man took pity on her and had her stay in his room where he'd have lost his place if anyone had found out. No sex, or any intention of it, just being kind.
And that was enough to break her willingness to have her mental health assessed as she had finally been persuaded to do. The mental health diagnosis that would have had her placed in the 'vulnerable adult' category and therefore more likely to get help, protection, support.
All this is true. And I am so almighty sick of it that if she were to die today I'd be mourning not only the lost and lonely woman she is, but the happy and intelligent child I used to know who seemed to be gone for good some years ago.
There is nothing I can say or do that does not seem to upset her. Earlier she complained so very shrilly and loud that my ear genuinely aches with it still. I did not know this was even possible. I have also learned why the phrase 'a pain in the neck' came about. It's at the base of the skull. Where the tension knots you up and bewilders you with pain and confusion.
She's only been living here just over a day. The trip down was one I'd only wish on my best enemy with the screaming and posturing and carrying on all the three hundred mile odd drive to get here. I don't know how long I can stand this, or where there is left to turn. I can't stand her dramas and the way she is destroying what little peace I had left.

Anja Tue 16-Apr-19 22:08:44

Oh NanaRayna this cannot go on. I would have given up on this woman long ago. You are amazing in thar yiunare still trying to help her.

I don’t want to upset you but I don’t think you can help her. She needs professional help and you need good advice on how to get that. I do hope some professionals on GN can tell you how to go about that.

My heart goes out to you ❣️

phoenix Tue 16-Apr-19 22:53:44

I have no idea what to say, and sadly no advice to give, but just wanted to let you know that I have read your post and am thinking of you.

Gonegirl Tue 16-Apr-19 22:55:48

Has she been receiving any treatment for her mental health? Would you be able to get her to see a doctor at your surgery? She needs to be under the care of a mental health team. If she won't see a doctor, can you speak to your own doctor and get some advice? Perhaps ask for an urgent appointment?

crazyH Tue 16-Apr-19 22:57:32

Thinking of you Nanarayna.....most heartbreaking post I've read today

Ailsa43 Tue 16-Apr-19 22:59:42

Me too , as with Phoenix, I have nothing I can say that will be of any help other than to say , you're obviously at the complete end of your tether and patience and you sound very depressed, and who wouldn't given that this has been a living nightmare for years for you.

I'm so sorry, I just wanted you to know that even if I had nothing I could say to help, that I was and am listening!!

ClareAB Tue 16-Apr-19 23:05:30

Are you in the UK? Could you speak to your GP re getting her mental health assessed? She could have an assessment under the Mental Health Act and be placed on a Section 2 (assessment section)

baubles Tue 16-Apr-19 23:13:50

Oh NanaRayna how awful. I wish I had something useful to say, I’m so sorry for you, your daughter and her children.

paddyann Tue 16-Apr-19 23:15:56

you need to get her sectioned ,if she wont get the help she needs then somebody has to do it for her.My late sister was an alcoholic, a bad mother and many of the things you describe could well be her .Its heartbreaking and in the end my parents had to walk away ...sadly after Dad had had 3 heart attacks with the stress and he died a year before she did after drinking herself into a stupor and choking to death.

She was 50.

Sometimes we have to realise we've done all we can and let go.It is the single most difficult thing we ever did as a family was turn our backs on her after decades of being used and abused .Can you call the local mental health people and arrange a home visit so she can be assessed ? She needs help and she needs someone who is qualified to provide it .You need to step away and let her get that help and stop being her safe place .I wish you peace ,its something that only those who have been through this will appreciate because peace is something you wont have had while she has been this way.

BradfordLass72 Tue 16-Apr-19 23:57:32

Oh my dear, my heart aches for you but I agree with paddyann you need to have your daughter sectioned and as I know from bitter family experience, you may need to call the police first.

It's hard to accept but by being kind and loving, you are empowering her to stay as she is - the man who was kind to her is proof of this - as soon as she sees there's someone she can use, she won't be assessed.

Assessment and the treatment which comes with it is what she needs.
I don't know if they have a Toughlove programme in the UK but here (NZ) it teaches the supporters of relatives that continued support often enables the person to carry on down the destructive path. If you are strong enough to withdraw all support, constructive, professional help can be given.

Next time she raves about the village, call the police.
See it as a kindness because you have done everything you can.

Jane10 Wed 17-Apr-19 06:49:19

I don't think it's as easy as just 'having her sectioned'. She sounds like a chaotic drunk and is obviously well known to services. She's not responded to other attempts to help and support her.
Poor OP. I do think it's a matter of tough love. This woman won't improve unless she's motivated to do it and she won't do that as long as mum is always a back stop.
OP look after yourself for the sake of those grandchildren.

Marelli Wed 17-Apr-19 06:58:28

NanaRayna, my heart goes out to you all. You feel you have absolutely nowhere to turn and I can identify with that, having had family issues similar to yours in the last few years.
Bradfordlass has mentioned a Tough Love programme. We benefited enormously by contacting Families Anonymous and following their programme which includes Tough Love. It helped not only us, but also our family member as it taught us that the 'helping' we were doing was actually enabling them.
Things have reached crisis point for your daughter and yourself. I know this feeling so well, as I have been there. Your daughter is reaching rock bottom, but doesn't sound as if she's able to make the choice to help herself at all. Can you contact your NHS mental health team and ask for advice? The police will be likely be aware of your daughter's issues and they may be able to help with this, too.
Please stay with us and let us know how things go? I found out about Families Anonymous through Gransnet. I will be forever grateful for that.

MovingOn2018 Wed 17-Apr-19 07:06:01

My heart goes out to you. Unfortunately for you she may never change and the only way for you to find peace would be to completely distance yourself. I've seen what drugs can do to ones mental health and can completely relate to what you're going through. Hugs and all the best!

gillybob Wed 17-Apr-19 07:22:54

Your post is very sad and upsetting NanaRayna and I didn’t just want to read and run.

Is it possible that if she is ranting and raving in a small village setting then (fingers crossed) someone might call the police and she might be arrested? Then it might be a start? You could refuse to have her “home” with you and maybe they could sort something out for her and set her on a path of help? I don’t really know although I did have some very good help for someone I know via the police a few years ago?

Wishing you all the luck in the world. You deserve some peace and quiet and shouldn’t have to put up with this even if it is your own daughter . x

BradfordLass72 Wed 17-Apr-19 07:39:08

NanaRayna One more thing, you know how we say people 'are not in their right mind' ?
Your daughter isn't.

Think of this poor girl as 'not herself', not your daughter any longer, in much the same way that families coping with schizophrenia or severe dementia realise the physical person they see is no longer the person they loved in the past.

This might help you to distance yourself, be strong and look after your own welfare.

Stay with us please, we are always willing to listen.

Urmstongran Wed 17-Apr-19 07:45:35

Oh NanaRayna this was a heartbreaking read. The whole situation sounds toxic.

You are mourning the loss of the daughter you knew and the natural contact with your grandchildren. How your heart must be broken.

This cycle has gone on for years. I do not pretend to have any advice. All I would suggest is that you take good care of YOU. Perhaps share your worries with your own doctor?

susanjessejames Wed 17-Apr-19 07:57:57

Sorry to hear your troubles, however please dont blame yourself - its the fallout from drugs and drink - good luck !!

Ginny42 Wed 17-Apr-19 08:12:04

NanaRayna, this is heartbreaking. How very distressing to have her screaming at you until your ear ached. You need help in order to cope, so it's a good idea for you to see the Dr about your wellbeing. Tell them about the headaches and the heartache. A mother's love can only go so far when an adult puts themselves beyond help.

She isn't herself, as others have said, but she's adult and you can't force her to seek help. Can the man who helped her the other night talk her into getting sustained support? She's not listening to you, she might listen to him.

Families Anonymous sound like a good place to contact. Good luck and keep talking to us. Get help for yourself as a priority.

howdigetthisold Wed 17-Apr-19 08:12:39

NanaRayna I too have no experience to call upon to help you but it is really good that you have had great support and suggestions on here. As others have said I didn't t want to pass by without saying that I feel deeply for you and the situation you have been forced into. I hope you get the help for your daughter that she needs. Stay strong for yourself and your grandchildren and let please us know how you get on

Anja Wed 17-Apr-19 08:15:26

Just a thought....are you in touch with Al-Anon? They are for the families of alcoholics and a close friend has had great support from them. They are all people who have been in this situation themselves.

sodapop Wed 17-Apr-19 08:22:36

So hard to see this happening to one of our children NanaRayna You must feel exhausted and saddened by it all. I can't offer any more help other than to say your daughter has to be ready to accept help and treatment, you can do no more.
Take care of yourself now and help your grandchildren as much as you can.
You have my sympathy,

M0nica Wed 17-Apr-19 08:24:55

NanaRayna, who can feel other than inadequate reading you desperate story.

Some times a parent best shows how much they love their child by walking away from them, especially where drink and rugs are concerned and I think this is the case in your situation.

I guess that you are in the USA, where rules and law are different from in the UK, but the best love being tough love is the same under either jurisdiction. You must walk away from your daughter, let her realise that her last 'Get out of gaol' card has gone. Her mother will not provide her with a refuge and the werewithal to continue this destructive life style. She is ill, not evil and somehow she has got to realise this and seek help.

Your situation is hellish, but now you must protect your self. Step back, rebuild your life and hope and pray that she may do likewise.

Anniebach Wed 17-Apr-19 08:37:18

An alcoholic can not be sectioned in this country.

NanaRayna I am so very sorry. Your daughter is in such a dark place and I know you are too.

GrandmaMoira Wed 17-Apr-19 09:22:46

NanaRayna - I'm very sorry to hear of your awful situation with your daughter. I really think you cannot have her living with you for the sake of your own health.
Have you had any counselling to try to help you cope with this?

ayokunmi1 Wed 17-Apr-19 10:51:58

Bless you May the lord I serve grant you peace,understanding and forgiveness.
May you be given wisdom. My sadness cannot be measured it could easily be anyone of us in this situation.