Aggressive husband

Sometimes in life, you have to stand on the springboard, hold your nose and jump.

You will usually bob up to the surface, you may be coughing and spluttering, but you will be breathing.

Take courage, and jump!

I am going to I’ve started putting my possessions in a place ready to grab and go . Need more time on my own to do more but he’s back in so can’t do anything else yet . I have been given some good advice on here and I appreciate it all thanks.

Telegran, you must get away from this abusive man, you deserve so much more than this.
Find Women's Aid online and you will find that what you have described is absolutely abuse or ring the free phone no:
0808 2000 247
and tell them what you have told us and they will advise you how to leave him safely.

"...but this 30 mins has been so bliss and no palpations and anxiety waiting for the next outburst when he doesn’t get his own way ."

There's your answer. You need to be free of him. You've been given some good advice here as to how to get started. Please take it. Just DON'T TELL HIM or anyone who might let him know because you don't know how he'll react. Time for him to find out when you've gotten out. Clearly, you'll be so much happier when you do.

Hi everyone,
I feel emotionless towards him kind of numb ? Hard to explain. I totally think he could be narcissistic it never entered my head until it was mentioned to me on here . I think because he’s not hit me I feel he won’t but the family member he did hit told me it would be me next that he would hit especially now the children have grown up and left and both strangely enough are on medication for anxiety and depression! Why didn’t I see this ? He’s actually gone out on his own I know where he is because he told me but I think he’s now trying to make me see how it is living on my own would be because he’s lived by himself before and didn’t like it but this 30 mins has been so bliss and no palpations and anxiety waiting for the next outburst when he doesn’t get his own way .

I am also saying that you must get out of this relationship asap for your own safety and peace of mind.
Make sure you have all your personal details and financial details together just in case you ever need to leave in a hurry,this is advice from mumsnet.
Although he has never been violent to you if he gets in your face again and threatens you I would have no hesitation in ringing the Police and reporting the threats it will certainly put a bully like this in his place.You should not have to put up with kind of living no one deserves to be treated like this.

I will echo the other posters and say you must get out of this relationship. Women's Aid are the best people to help. If you own a house together, get legal advice as well.

Your mother's peace of mind, and your husband's right to vent anger are less important than your own safety. I really think that such threats have to be taken at their face value, even if he is merely venting anger.

From what I have read on Mumsnet the best advice is to contact Women’s Aid as someone to talk to initially then they will offer support and advise you what steps you need to take.

Regardless of who is affected by your actions, they are not living the hellish life you are. You must look after yourself first so please do something about this now as this situation will never get better, if anything, it will get worse. Take care.

You really need to speak to someone. I would suggest starting with your GP. They should be able to point you in the right direction. Also start talking to a trusted family member for some moral support. X

He is displaying the classic sugns of being a Narcissist. If you're on Facebook look on there, there a many good support groups and you will be amazed how many sound like the eaxct same man! They control you but have a total different face they present to the world who seem them as wonderful and kind. He does not go out himself as this is a control tool, he can they say 'he does not go out' so why should you? very clever. The 'Silent treatment' is also an abusive tool to control people. As for telling you to commit suicide?? Encouraging people to self-harm and kill themselves is a teenage problem in modern society at the moment on social media, I have never heard of mature people using this phrase, maybe he is hankering after being a youth again? (sarcasm). No I do not think it is dementia as yes, dementia can present with violent tendencies but this is usually in a 'lashing out' format not in a pre-meditated, controlling way that he can cover up in company. Please research Narcissism and ways to 'grey rock' him.

He has threatened to kill you, told you to kill yourself, and "come close" to hitting you. What has to happen for you to start looking into leaving? Why do you stay? Financial reasons? Fear of being alone? What?

Whatever, I just wish you the best and hope you keep reaching out to us.

Thanks everyone for the good advice and support. I know you’re all right .i didn’t realise he does isolate me from friends he’s picked faults, made excuses and controlled the situations if they’ve arranged to meet me.Hes always said I don’t need friends and I shouldn’t trust anyone not a single friend. He’s not speaking to me at the moment since the last argument when he told me go commit suicide. It’s very tense I don’t think he will hit me though but he comes close very close I’m sure as he gets right in my face with a horrible nasty angry look and threatens me. Yes I do believe he’s the cause of my anxiety in the first place,I’m a very strong person or I think I am I really don’t know anymore if I am ??‍♀️ I started medication when he threatened to burn the house down with me in it that was a few years ago now. He wants come with me wherever I go and if I tell him I want to go by myself he goes funny mood and makes it uncomfortable for me I feel like I’ve got no escape or room to breathe sometimes. In between the bad times he’s ok, helps in the house, doesn’t go out himself even if I’ve told him go out for a drink I would drive him and pick him up etc . He can control it because if anyone calls he changes like butter wouldn’t melt he’s so nice you wouldn’t believe the change. I’m going go out more with my friends in the day meet-up for coffee etc first see what response I get try get some of me time. I’ve not even been by myself in my home for years... he won’t go out without me at all only to the bin ? . Sorry for the long post ladies I think I’m just getting things off my chest . Thanks for listening. Xx

This man is a bully! (But you already know that ...) And you've let his abusive behaviour go on for far too long. He is intimidating you and pulling you down into feeling worthless. That's what bullying men try to do. (I wouldn't mind betting that he tries to isolate you from friends and family too - that's what they do.) It's got to stop! Or you, as a couple have to stop!

Are there any times when you could sit down and have a calm conversation with him about his behaviour? Or has that become a 'no-go area'?

It's very hard to envisage a different life for yourself.

Do you still love him? Do you have enough money to leave? Could you make him leave? Do you have children, or other family members, who would help? (But do be careful who you talk to - it may get back to him, which would only make matters worse.)

A lot of thinking for you to do! But you have to do it. You can't carry on like this! You'll be unhappy for the rest of your life, unless something changes. So, what are your options ...? Think it through.

And, as others have said, don't worry about your mum. She doesn't have to know anything until you're sorted, if you think that she couldn't cope. (But she could be a strong support for you too ...?)

Don't keep leaving it, hoping that things will change - start doing something now! And in a year or two, you'll be so pleased that you did.

Keep strong! X

This is emotional abuse and controlling behaviour . As one who has been in a similar situation I advise you to get out now whilst you can. It will not improve, abusers don’t want to change . Please get legal advice to help you leave safely

I am going to take a wild guess that your h was the reason you needed anxiety meds in the first place. Abuse doesn't have to be physical. It can be verbal/emotional, and clearly, that's what's going on here. There may be a health reason, he may even have a mental disorder. But no matter, you've put up with this for too long. Imo, you need to see a solicitor and start thinking about getting a divorce. Don't tell him, unless or until you actually leave because he might get physical. Please don't worry about your mum. She wouldn't want you to be living this way. And she doesn't need to know why you're leaving him, just has to accept that you're happier without him. Maybe get some counseling to help you sort out your feelings and help you move on. Or as rosecarmel suggests, get to a woman's shelter, and being to rebuild your life. Hugs!

Telegran, do you think it might be possible for you to get back on your anxiety meds again at least until you figure out what to do? That might be helpful -

When was your husband's last visit with a doctor? Does he take any medication? Could you share your concerns about him with his doctor and work together with his doctor to convince him to come in for a visit?

Do you have a safe place to go to away from your home and situation should things escalate and you need to flee? Or a women's shelter near by?

Telegran your mum may be old but she probably suspects and worries about you more than you realise. It might even be a relief to her if you confided in her.
Stop making excuses for your OH.
You deserve better.

Welcome op if you are new.

It is entirely beyond me why you are living with this apology for a man. Unless he is ill, there is absolutely no reason at all for you to feel that you deserve so little from life that spending it with this sort of behaviour is acceptable.

Please take steps to improve your life - getting medical help for him ( if that seems appropriate), or getting the life you deserve. I am sure that, however old, your Mum might be, she would want you to be happy.

Been married 24 years. No he’s got worse over last 12 years I’d say.

He’s been like this for approximately 18 years but it’s got physical with a close family member and to be honest he’s getting right in my face with threats he knows I’ve just come off medication for anxiety as I was doing well and felt strong but he seems to want to pull me back down.
I’m holding back as my mums old and it would really hurt her and I don’t want her to know about him . A few friends have thought he’s a bit off at times but I’ve just made excuses for him. Thanks everyone it’s good to know I can come on here and get support thanks everyone .

I know of someone who started hitting his wife then was diagnosed with dementia- before that he was a very mild and kind man.

Dementia, even in the early stages, can cause aggressive behaviour

My friend's husband was like that. He'd really been a marvellous husband but then he changed. In short, it turned out to be health related and he honestly couldn't help it. The right medication helped although he was clearly very ill.

I don't want to depress you but it was some kind of dementia.

I hope you get things sorted out soon.