not allowed to see grand daughter

Thank you Starlady. I do think that we all play a part in our misfortunes to a certain extent. I can look at my Mum’s Mum (who always seen by me as the greatest lady on earth) and see how much she undermined my relationship with my Mum and how having a champion made me feel that I had someone on my side. My Mum learned that behaviour from her so it was considered normal for her too.

Oh and nanny, I meant to say "Welcome!" (again, if you're still reading). Sorry I didn't say it earlier.

Ican, so sorry about your problems with your mother and first 2 husbands. Glad your 3rd husband helped you to protect yourself and your children and that dd has come to understand why. I think you were very wise to limit contact rather than go nc.

When I met my husband, there might have been people who were wondering about coercive control when I disengaged quite dramatically from my mother's influence. He helped me to see that her "help" actively worked against me and that her motives were completely narcissistic. I had accepted her influence because I knew no difference as it was the way I was brought up.
I had been married twice to men who were similar to her and I was reeling; the children were with my second husband. When I met my husband I had an 8 year old and a 2 year old. With professional help I started to review my parenting style and my mother was horrified. I went from relying heavily on her for help from only letting her see the children when I could be around to intervene if she started her manipulative ways. I didn't go NC simply because I believe children have the right to have their family in their lives but I couldn't let them be "corrupted" by her twisted take on parenting.
My daughter was quite confused about it all but now she is older, she does the same with her daughter and my mother. I didn't badmouth her Gran, she just saw for herself when she had her own children.

I thought this site was a place of support, not interrogation..just saying.

Gaylord and moonbeames, my heart goes out to you ladies, also! And to your poor xdil, moonbeames! Glad she appreciates you and dh and the role you play in your gds lives. Also, kudos to you for standing up for the gd who was being mistreated, no matter what the cost!

Idk if you are still reading here, nanny, but I owe you an apology for a couple of things. First, I misread the first part of your name earlier and called you, "Nancy," LOL! Sorry about that!

Second, I realize you didn't say you got involved in a parenting issue when dd and family were "having a bad day." You just said you "tried to defuse things" (or something like that, I don't have it in front of me). But whatever it was about, unfortunately, dd and her bf may have felt you overstepped, as a pp said, even though I know your intentions were good.

I'm glad you sent an email letting dd know the door is open, just in case she is in a coercive relationship. I hope somewhere in that email you apologized for your mistakes in the situation. That might go a long way to softening dd's heart if she's angry at you for any reason.

If dd lied about the advice, Imo, that was a very immature thing to do. Chances are she thought it was the best way to convince you to stay away, but I still find it immature. It's possible, as notanan says though, that the school denied things because their conversation with dd was confidential. However, I would think they would just say that, so idk. Maybe, as she also suggested, one staff member didn't know what the other said. But if dd simply lied, my guess is it was to put some teeth into her nc demand. Regardless, more hugs!

yes ive found you thankyou

I wondered if that was the case. Well, you know where we are now!!

i thought i was already on that thread tbh i am very new

nannytracey…….There is a thread permanently dedicated to people who are in differing stages of being estranged from members of their family (me included), which is called 'Support for all who are living with Estrangement'.
It can be found under the heading Relationships.

If you wish to come back some time and talk again, there are more people who have been through similar circumstances to both of us, and can do as the title suggests....support.

Best of luck

thanks namsnanny i will

Or maybe your daughter isnt lying and the advice happened in a confidential conversation that wasnt shared with other staff members..

As I say, I understand why you felt compelled to ring the school. But at the same time you must see how invasive and disrespectful of boundaries, and your DDs place in your DGCs life as the person with parental responsibility, that action will seem to your DD

Nannytracey…..
Please take a breather from this thread, for your sake!

Good luck

Well the school made a big boo boo they should not have discussed anything related to your GC with you wether or not you were discussed.

And if your daughter lied, maybe it was because she is not ready to discuss her problems with you. Or maybe her partner is coercivr and she wasnt ready to reach out to you, But now because you called the school may have put a nail in the coffin so you are less likely to find out. That may take some time to over come. You shouldnt have done that, cant you see that at all?

the lie was
school never advised my daughter to stop access for my grandchild to myself or any of the family
and yes they did speak to me as the conversation was about me
( as i needed to know why a school would decide that kind of thing about me and the family)
so the conversation was about me
not my grand daughter
yes no doubt my daughter was informed i had rang

If you rang out of desperation, that is understandable we all do things we shouldnt when desperate/distresssd, so long as you do realise that it was a massive breach of boundaries to do so. If you don't realise that (and why the school wouldnt confirm anything for you) then that might give some insight into why your DD is upset with you!

they didnt know what i was talking about when i rang them

Well of course, they wouldnt/shouldnt be able to confirm anything about your DGCs issues to you anyway. Thats to be expected as you are not parent or guardian.

i was informed that there would be no access and it wasnt my daughter s decision it was the advise of the school about grand daughters health and well being

I read this and read that you rang the school who didnt disclose any of this to you, which they wouldnt/shouldnt anyway as you are not a parent/guardian (in fact they really shouldnt discuss your DGC with you at all, and I imagine that you ringing the school will not go down well with your DD!)

Sorry if thats incorrect ^ what was the lie?

they didnt know what i was talking about when i rang them

I think its good that you are open to mediation but while that is off the table, using your willingness to work on this (which is great and bodes well for future bridge building) solo councelling could be very helpful & worthwhile if you can affors it.

do you not read the thread properly notanan2 the school done no such thing
it was a lie

Well that rather changes things. If professionals have advised your DD to keep DGC away from you for now then your DD is in a position where if she doesnt comply with that she could be accused of putting her DD at "risk of future emotional harm" and could find herself at risk of losing the child (worst case scenario admittedly) So I think she probably needs to comply with the professionals for now. It doesnt mean forever.

It sounds like your interractions with your DD have at times been "heated". If that is the case it may have traumatised your DGC more than you realise, grown ups often think that children pick up on less about the adults around them than they do.

Can you get some councilling alone? It might help for when things settle down and bridges are ready to be built.

notanan there isnt a great deal of info full stop all i know is we have always been a close knit family
obviously things change
especially when new bf come on the scene
this is all very new and very confusing
i have no answers mediation sounds great but not if she isnt willing
i see that now

but in my daughters defence i would imagine that it was mortifying for her to put her child in therapy
and kids do have tendency to blame their parents for everything that goes wrong in their life
its quite normal
and i do have every faith in her to do right by her daughter
and have every faith in the school to look after my grand daughter too

Sounds like the 'new love' is being controlling of your daughter. This is now illegal

It's a possibility but just because a new relationship coincides with someone going NC, does not mean that the new partner is necessarily the driving force unless there is other evidence of abuse.

Because sometimes it takes having a satisfying relationship to build up the courage to address the other relationships that arent working. I certainly felt less prone to upset and manipulation from some of my family since I became part of my ILs life, and had them as a constant reminder of what family should mean (minor irritations but always with an undertone of love and good intentions, as opposed to constant lies, games and manipulation, interspersed with angry blow-ups). And having a supportive partner and ILs makes me less tolerant of unacceptable behaviour from my side.

Lets keep an open mind and not accuse people of criminality based on very little.

It is very worth being aware of and looking out for co-ercive control. But NCing alone isnt really enough evidence to make that conclusive conclusion.

A new partner can be a catalyst for something that was a long time coming anyway in other aspects of life.

Or it can be coercive control.

There really isnt enough info on this thread to make those sorts of conclusions.