not allowed to see grand daughter

notanan2 at this moment in time nothing is a good idea as i have said i have left my door open

i have tried to see her on her own,via email no response, this has been going on for 5 months
my grand daughter is 7 i really dont think she gets a choice
last time i see my grand daughter she was a very unhappy little girl
i told her to tell her mum
which she did and was put into therapy at school
i was then blamed for her being unhappy
bearing in mind i have only seen her twice in 5 months
i tried going to see my daughter to see how my grand daughter was at her home and was not welcome
i was informed that there would be no access and it wasnt my daughter s decision it was the advise of the school about grand daughters health and well being
i was mortified that messed my head up totally
after a few weeks i decided i must do something
so i went to cab
the mention of mediation
but
i dont know why the school has come to that decision
so before anything i need to find out why
i rang the school
explained the situation
only to find that no advise about family members access denial of access was ever mentioned by the school
its all a bit of a big mess
a very big complicated mess

I'm still not clear OP why you were asking for a contact agreement back when you had contact. And the time-line/time scale of it all. If you feel up to answering it might help you get more appropriate advice.

Whether or not the email was a good idea will depend on the above. Was it just an email? Or a row, texts, calls etc and email all in quick sucession IYKWIM?

Sounds like the 'new love' is being controlling of your daughter. This is now illegal.
How does he treat your GD?
Does she (GD) have a say as to whom she wants to see?
Can you see your daughter on her own, perhaps meet for a coffee and ask her why this is happening?

i wish there was a like button on this page as answering everything individually would take me forever

Maintain a dignified 'door is always open' stance then wait till she needs some childcare or a favour of some sort...she will, eventually.

so an email was sent a few days ago leaving doors wide open,
space is always a good thing
and maybe i try to hard sometimes to try everything lol
so im going to give myself a break
stop beating myself up
and see what happens

well thank you all for your replies and yes i have returned albeit quite daunting lol, but u lot have opened my eyes , given me a whole new perspective and i think i needed that , so thank you
im no further on what to do
but you lot really have cleared my brain lol

I would agree with PP Pheonix that this is quite likely to be coercive control. I have had experience of this.
One thing those males who try coercive control don't like is a strong woman. By the very fact that we are grandmothers we have lived a long time experienced a lot of life and may have also had precious marriages we had to divorce ourselves from means that we are strong, we have faced adversity and survived. This must be a bit scary for them that we are not so easily manipulated.

Nancytracey, my heart goes out to you! I know you're worried about gd and must miss her very much! And I feel for gd also! First, her mom adds a new member to their family unit, which she doesn't like - and then she's co from family members that she knows and loves! I understand that your dd wants/needs a new man in her life, but I don't get how she could tear her (troubled) little girl away from family that mean something to her.

I think it's jumping the gun to say that the new man is controlling or coercive though. It sounds as if, with the best of intentions, Nancy, you interfered in their parenting - or that's how they see it - so they were both upset. It also sounds as if they responded by limiting contact, and you, understandably, made an issue about that. I say, "understandably" because you were, clearly used to more frequent contact. The changes must have seemed drastic to you.

Unfortunately, it is probably because you balked at the lowered contact that dd cut you out completely. I'm so sorry it went down that way, and hope she softens after a while.

I'm not clear on how much contact dd has with her siblings. I take it they text, but she has blocked them in all other ways? It's possible that's because they keep defending you and trying to get her to change her stance. I know it's hard, but Imo, you all need to back off a while.

I'm glad gd is in counseling. Please trust the school to help her. As for mediation, I doubt dd would go. Idk, but Imo, for mediation to work both sides have to have some leverage. You have more access to gd to gain from mediation, but what does dd have to gain? Do you see what I mean? She has authority over who gd sees and doesn't see. Why would she agree to negotiate that?

So I agree with those who say to try stepping back and just waiting for dd to (hopefully) reach out to you. It may take her longer than you would like, but chances are, it will happen.... Patience... and hugs!

It’s worth trying. It’s the only option right now. If she doesn’t agree now she may do later. Perhaps she would like to talk to someone not involved to give her side of the story?

Dontaskme Each CItizens Advice is run autonomously therefore you cannot tar all with the same brush! You may have had a bad experience with one but like solicitors they vary!

how about turning up on her doorstep? and offering her help. maybe she too scared to contact you........just a thought...

How long has this been going on? How old is your granddaughter? Can you send her letters, telling her what you have been doing talking about things she liked? Send her pictures maybe even enclose a sae so she could send you a reply. I am in a difficult situation myself, so understand hw upsetting it can be.

This sounds heartbreaking, nannytracey, but I'd encourage you to try to give it some time. Even if he is potentially a coercive controller, putting up a fight at this stage may just entrench your daughter's position of pushing away the family because he says so. I don't see how mediation would work in this situation, because your daughter would have to want to work out a new way forward.

Something similar happened to a friend of mine, when her daughter was living abroad with her husband. After the children were born, the husband persuaded the daughter that her parents were controlling and that he mother was causing her mental health problems, which resulted in an estrangement. In the end, the husband had an affair and left the daughter and she obviously her mum and dad offered support, which was accepted. The situation may feel hopeless now, but things could shift if you back right off.

Without knowing details perhaps when you intervened previously you shouldn't have? If that might be the case then for the sake of your GD perhaps you could make a point of apologising to them both and then letting things settle for a while and see if there's a thawing of relationships? Just a suggestion.

Have I missed something- how old is DGD, has she been involved in this decision? Is her father around - what does he say?

Is your gand daughter in danger? How old is she? What is the history of the new love?

Give your daughter a bit of space. We have been down this same path. It is very tricky. We didn't see our grand-daughter for nearly a year as the result of us calling out our sons dreadful behavior towards his little daughter. Not enough for authorities but bad enough for us to ask him to leave. So no contact from him. His ex-wife is lovely. She lets us see her a bit, now its good holidays and some days, random. Which is good. She had a new partner though after her marriage broke up and he isolated her from her own mother, her family and friends and us. It was domestic abuse. She lost all her confidence. It got worse and worse until finally she saw the light and moved out. It took a while. We did try mediation out of frustration but it just made it worse and put her and ex husband together again against us. They didn't re-kindle the marriage though. Luckily our ex daughter in law is lovely and could see that we are good for our grand-daughter. You might have to be patient. Hopefully this man may not work out, fingers crossed and keep your door open.

I think he sounds very controlling too , unfortunately all you can do is bide your time . What a terrible situation for both you and your granddaughter .

Not at all sure how it would help your current situation but I know I find Meditation a great help in my life.
I only usually do 15 mins a day- I use the Headspace app. on my phone which is a good one for me.
I started at a yoga class years ago & found I liked it so did it sometimes for a while but now I make a point of doing it every day- even for only 15 mins & it really helps 'ground' me.
I have had a very bad couple of weeks with DiL very ill & it has helped me so much to keep in control & be there for family ( she is on the mend now) but I really believe that without that time to myself every day I would not have coped well at all.
It's worth a try but remember it does take some practise to get good at it- at first your brain just wants to take over & fly all over the place but you can soon learn to control it.
Interestingly my DGC do it at primary school - I wish all schools would teach it- we would have much calmer, happier children.

I’m having a similar problem. After 20 years my DIL says she doesn’t want me in her life and I can’t see my granddaughters who are 11 and 12. I’m beyond destroyed. My son has sided with her because he’s scared of losing her. I’ve supported them mentally and financially for 2 years because I loved them and they were struggling. I’ve been advised to leave them alone and just hope they will come round. I’m grieving, I’ve lost 5 people out of my life. Nothing you can do, just be patient and hope.

Sorry to hear this dearies, I always find a nice cup of tea, some shortbread and a family 'love session' sorts it all out.
xx gamgam xx

Good grief!! I'd be surprised if nannytracey ever comes back again!

Can some people stop writing in CAPITAL LETTERS or italics please!!

Does the op need to be shouted at and flooded with a barrage of unnecessary questions??

She is obviously stressed, very concerned about her gd and no doubt d.

Notanan2.....I think that paragraph you refer to was in reply to my question.

Callistemon….precisely!!

Please DO NOT get your other children involved. I've been piggy in the middle the first time my parents and sister were estranged. It's not a good place to be.