Going No Contact

I seem to recall that the old thread was on the estrangement forum, so this one may generate more responses if it is moved. Speaking personally, I have only just found this thread, but will follow it now.

I have especially found the posts by Razz to be moving and helpful. I am now reconciled to my DD, but her sisters aren't, so a lot of work needs to be done on healing, starting with myself.

I agree Madgran; child abuse is one reason for estrangement but is not the only one. Brainwashing of an AC by a partner/coercive control is another and was what the original thread focused on.

Question: why wasn't the previous thread called "The Child Abuse Behind No Contact"?

I think that title would give the impression that child abuse was always involved when Parents/Adult children go no contact. It is not the reason in every case.

I think this title is better ...it recognises the condition of No Contact but makes no assumptions about the cause for any individual

I was kind of a huge fan of the previous thread, and am kind of saddened to see this one seems to have died off.

Question: why wasn't the previous thread called "The Child Abuse Behind No Contact"?

The fact that you don't wish her any harm shows you are already a forgiving person. What a wonderful character trait!!

Razz In a way it might be about grieving for a childhood/mother that you never had and coming to an acceptance that your childhood and your mother were/ are not as you would have wished. With that acceptance comes the chance to move on to something else, living more peacefully with the reality of the past.

Oh gosh, I rationalised it by thinking I was bad. I saw friends interact with their mums and thiught that they must be good, that's why they are loved. Then i grew up and made all these terrible mistakes as a parent because i thought it was normal and the look on my child's face pulled me up and I learnt better. Yet i still didn't make the connection because mothers love their children, I'd seen it. In the end, i had a nervous breakdown and went to therapy. Asked him to fix me, my family treat me badly and nothing I do is ever good enough. He set me straight. He said some mothers kill their children, hurt and maim them, why do you think they can't be abusive in other hidden ways? When I found out all the lies she was telling about me to explain why I was in therapy and having a break from her, which were exactly what he expected to happen, the rest finally clicked. I think maybe I do forgive her though. I certainly don't wish her harm. I will try to follow your advice Joyful. Thankyou for listening

It's a lonely time goinh through grief even with a big and loving family. No one really knows the scale or intensity of it except you. It's understand to yearn for things to try and give you the comfort of closure to pain, its a cycle many of us here are going through. With no contact, you're left thinking about all the 'what if's'. I don't know if your mother can fill the gaps in your life because your perception that she abused your love when you were growing up is so strong. I often wonder how children in abusive relationships with the main caregiver can rationalise the experience. But one things for sure, it starts with forgiveness because without that, the hope is weak and fragile. Working on your fragility means being kind to yourself and saying positive things to yourself. You have much to live for, your children, gc and most importantly yourself. Write down all the things you love to do, be your own best friend. Oh and take pleasure in beauty around you.

Ive been going through some intense grief recently. I have not been able to articulate it or understand where it was coming from. I think now that perhaps I have lost hope and I've been trying to hide it from myself. I don't have a lot of family and I have never had a close relationship with any of them. Most are abroad and I would not know how to contact the rest. A lot can happen in 6 years. I think I will go back to therapy if I can't let this go on my own. I just want to love my children and my granddaughter and see them grow up whole and untainted by their childhoods.

Razzmatazz. I was touched by your recent post too. From your mother's point of view, when you went no contact, it probably hurt her too. She's probably not contactable now because she doesn't want to open old wounds. She's self preserving whatever she's got left. I don't know what to say to give you comfort but from your posts, you seem to have survived. Have you sought counselling yourself to try to make sense of it all? You say the rest of the family disowned you because of her lies about you but do you know where they are and would you wish to make contact with them? If you do, you may find some of the answers you're looking for and more importantly you can show that you're a well rounded person who can put things in perspective. It's clear that you obviously still care about her on the level you spoke about..you could make amends with the rest of the family and maybe your mother will hear of this and seek you out. I don't think you can keep going over old ground because you won't move forward. If you heal yourself first, things will be easier for you and I'm sure one day you will be able to reconcile.

Nfk I had to read your comment several times. I think I'm still processing it, but I think you could be right. Thank you so much.

Could it be Razz, that you’re confusing an inbuilt childhood need for your mother’s approval with caring for her? You’re in a much better place emotionally. Stronger. More sure of yourself and your current relationships. I think if you were to bump into her on the street you may well find yourself looking at a rather sad person who you now despise. She’s a creature from your past, wouldn’t it be best to leave her there?

You ever find youlf thinking on to two levels at once? Logically my mother is a terrible person who destroyed my education, my family relationships and even tried to destroy my relationship with my own son. I am much happier and healthier without her. Emotionally, I still care for her and I wish we could have a good relationship. So emotionally I can't seem to give up hope even though logically I know the chances are very small. A lot of adult children I have spoken to in my position feel the same way. I would guess its the adult children who genuinely were abused who look for support from peers and the other kind don't need it.

Joyful, with respect, I don't think you read my comment properly. I don't have any way to contact her. The ball is very much in her court and she apparently isn't playing. I'm not going to resort to Stalking to locate her wheabouts. Besides, she is not only the parent, but an abusive person. I would be insane to chase an abusive person who would have reached out to me if she had changed. Try to open your mind a little.

Sometimes you need to go back a little to move forward. Try getting in touch with her and make some time to discuss, if u don't, you'll never know.

Razzmatazz123, gentle hugs to you. I hope you are able to find peace. Moving on is hard and when it feels unresolved it just spins in your head instead. I hope you can be patient with yourself and love yourself and your son. Sweet sympathy and strength to you.

Joyful, there is absolutely nothing stopping her. I haven't moved, I haven't changed my number. She has done both and I don't have any way to contact her. I don't know where she is. I have told her my expectations, I offered to do therapy with her and she has had 6 years. If my husband did all the awful things she did to me, you'd tell me to leave him. This is no different, it's not my place to fix her and god knows I tried my little heart out.

Razzmatazz you've already given her an impossible task because you've stated what she needs to do yet made your mind up that she can't do it. How's that going to work???

Meanwhile, sorry about your kidney infection. Hope it gets better soon.

OMG, Razzmatazz, your posts brought tears to my eyes. No child should ever be treated the way you obviously were. The fact that it went on to impact your DS (dear son) shows even more how bad it has been. Kudos to you for having the strength and courage to break the pattern of unhappy childhoods and raise your kids in a more loving way!

I'm not sure an apology and promise to change would be enough for me after her behavior had affected my DS. IMO, it's very gracious of you to be willing to forgive on that basis, given the circumstances. In many cases, I agree, an apology and promise to change would definitely begin the healing. But some cases are more complex than that b/c, as you may have seen here, parents/PILs and AC/CIL don't always agree on what happened.

Past my bedtime. Not able to put my thoughts down coherently and dealing with a kidney infection. I really do wish you all the best

I wonder though if that would work for estranged parents, an apology, a promise to change any behaviour the child asks for, maybe an offer to go to therapy. They are obviously in pain on some level, if they make accusations that aren't true, there must be something broken in their minds somewhere. I've read about implanted memories and my therapist says it does happen and that is why they don't look for repressed memories because the danger is putting memories in instead of drawing them out. Brains are complicated computers and sometimes they malfunction with memory. The pain they feel is very could be very real to them. I made sure wiylth my therapist that wasn't me. My mother did a good job convincing me I was crazy

I would need her to tell the truth, admit she needs help, apologise and promise to be better in future. She can't though, she lied to too many people and backed herself into a corner. It would take immense strength on her part to admit she didn't love me the way she should. That she treated me very badly. I would forgive her though and others probably would too. That's very idealistic though. I know it is hard to understand that some people enjoy hurting others, especially a mother to her own child. She did though, she laughed while I cried. I still wish for the miracle sometimes, I also wish I wouldn't. She hasn't even called in 6 years, she doesn't want me back.

So what would you need from your mother razzmatazz? You seem to want to heal the pain

That's lovely Queenie. I wish I could say something that would help Aqua. I know what I would need from my mother to start the journey to healing our relationship, but my mother is not you. I hope so much that my children remain close to us and each other. I don't know what it is like to have a close knit family and I am terrified of mucking it up. Its tough. I guess give your love and care where it is needed, don't think it's taken by those you cannot see.