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Going No Contact

(40 Posts)
Starlady Fri 03-May-19 10:01:53

The thread called, "The Brainwashing Behind Going No Contact" has reached 1000 posts, and so is now closed. But, Imo, NC is an important and very current topic. So I'm opening a new thread on the same issue.

Yogagirl Fri 03-May-19 10:19:01

Well done starlady

Excellent post of 2nd May Smileless & good one from Eddicat too.

We couldn't have been closer, myself, my two D & my GD. My D&GD lived with me and there were roses at our door, until her future H appeared on the scene. I believed I got on with him well, but I was wrong, from his view point. His jealousy knew no bounds, he was jealous of my GD, he perceived she was getting more love and attention from my other D&I than his son, even though he was my GS and I loved him as much. He wasn't having that, so out we all went, including the rest of her bio family. Poor little mite sad

Teacheranne Fri 03-May-19 11:18:12

I could be facing the loss of contact with my grandchildren. My son lives in the US with his wife and two children ( aged 2 and 4) so our main contact is through FaceTime and an annual visit. But it looks like divorce is on the cards, and a toxic one at that! According to my DIL and her mother, who has become a friend of mine, my son is behaving very badly having got involved with another woman and not paying household bills, according to my son, his wife is lying! I'm refusing to even discuss their issues although I believe they are mainly down to money issues as my DIL does not work and my son does not really earn enough to support the family without her income ( it's too complicated to explain how this situation has arisen!)

I've paid the mortgage for them several times and so has her mother but we've both stopped bailing them out now. So I just sit here waiting and worrying to see how things turn out.

I am determined though not to lose contact, my main reason for not discussing their problems in depth with either of them. I am keeping contact mainly through her mother and she has reassured me that whatever happens, my DIL will not cut me out of the children lives, I can only hope that is the case.

I will be devastated if my son ends up returning to England after a divorce and abandons his children - I am under no illusions about my son, he has made bad decisions most of his adult life!

I don't know what else to do at the moment but try to listen to both of them without taking sides, I'm certainly not giving them any more money as I know that is not going to help long term, and try to keep lines of communication open in the future.

Smileless2012 Fri 03-May-19 14:47:03

We can only hope that your mature and sensible approach maintains your relationship with your d.i.l. which will in turn maintain the relationship you have with your GC Teacheranne

It's good that you're friends with your son's m.i.l. and I'm sure that that will enable to you have a workable relationship with your d.i.l. whatever the future brings.

Well done Starlady for the new threadsmile.

Starlady Sat 04-May-19 00:06:08

Thank you, Yoga and Smileless!

Teachername, I'm so sorry about ds and dil's pending divorce and financial problems. Imo, you are very wise not to get into any discussion of their problems, as that could backfire on you badly. I agree with Smileless that it's also good that you and ds' mil are friendly, and I hope that strengthens your position as far as maintaining contact with the gc. Mostly, I hope you're able to keep up a relationship with your gc, no matter what ds does, etc. Best of luck!

Starlady Sat 04-May-19 00:07:34

P.S. I think it's very brave of you to be honest with us about ds' shortcomings. But I also think it's wise of you not to side with either him or dil and just stay on good terms with everyone.

Aquamarine Tue 11-Jun-19 20:31:42

Hi ladies.... Things still the same, just saying hello and we need this thread....

Starlady Wed 12-Jun-19 07:00:20

Sorry things haven't changed, Aqua, but glad you appreciate this thread.

Starlady Wed 12-Jun-19 07:17:15

But the latest general "support for all estranged" seems to have disappeared ???

March Wed 12-Jun-19 09:59:33

It reached 1000 and nothing was carried on.

www.gransnet.com/forums/relationships/1235012-The-Brainwashing-Behind-Going-No-Contact?pg=40&order=

Starlady Wed 12-Jun-19 12:06:07

Thanks, but I meant the Support thread. I see a new forum was opened - Estrangement - and that the Support thread is there.

Aquamarine Thu 20-Jun-19 20:36:13

Any support thread. It's obviously needed. I posted loads on it, I personally found it very useful.

Razzmatazz123 Sun 28-Jul-19 04:23:36

This is my first time commenting, but I have read for a while now. I have been scared of the reactions as I already deal with guilt at times. I'm often very angry and sad I am estranged from my mother. I still desperately want her to love me and I wish I could fix whatever damaged her so she can't. It took her starting to seriously impact one of my children to realise the damage she was doing to me. My own brother thinks I am crazy and my son too I suppose. I went no contact I guess before reading any of those sorts of articles. I suppose I could tell stories to help people understand, but individual stories are just small pieces of the puzzle and don't always look like justification on their own. I assumed for so long I was a bad person and that is why my brother was treated so differently and why my mother hurt and humiliated me often. I didn't intend estrangement at first, just asked for a break to work on my mental health thinking I was the problem. That's when my son told me his experiences and what he had witnessed growing up, she didn't think to hide her behaviour from a child like she did everyone else. I left home before my brother was old enough to have memories of it all at home and she saved it for when we were alone after that. During the break she was furious and told my family awful things about me. Said I was doing drugs and had "gone mad". I don't even drink. The whole family cut me off. My children were all relieved without her and so glad to have a happier healthy mother and now grandmother. I try to be the mother I wanted so badly. I know my mother had a terrible time as a child and so did I, but I can't break like she did. I think about her often and I hope she is well and happy. I grieve our relationship. I never wanted a perfect parent, I am not perfect and I think if I was I couldn't teach my children how to handle negative emotions or how to be accountable for their mistakes. I had an abusive mother though. Of course there are adult children out there who are awful people and treat their parents appallingly. From what I have read about NC it is an absolute last resort and even with help from professionals I could not fix my relationship with my mother and after following their advice I left the relationship. The wider family had disowned me already. I learnt much in that time about the lies she told to hide the abuse from them. I realised I had my own family and a great network of friends so I didn't fight it. Bad is she is to me, why hurt the family with the truth? Would they even believe me? Doesn't she deserve support too? So if you have tried everything and a relationship is damaging you too much, whether it's a parent, child, sibling, partner or friend... It's OK to let go and walk away. Live your best life. Just don't take your pain out on those who don't deserve it. There isn't two sides here, the estranged and the estrangers... There is just hurt people with individual stories we don't fully know who deserve support, not judgement.

Madgran77 Sun 28-Jul-19 07:05:47

Razzmatazz Your post is moving, thoughtful, kind and thoughtprovoking ...thankyou. thanks

Razzmatazz123 Sun 28-Jul-19 13:36:42

Thank you for saying that

Smileless2012 Sun 28-Jul-19 14:23:52

Razzmatazz a sad and moving post, beautifully writtenflowers.

Razzmatazz123 Sun 28-Jul-19 22:50:59

Thank you Smile. I have read a lot of your comments and appreciate your response.

Aquamarine Sun 28-Jul-19 23:23:36

I agree razzmatazz, all hurt people out there, me included. My GC birthday tomorrow , no contact 3rd year, all sad and painful, my gorgeous girlie, where she must think we are, Lord knows.... The brain washing will have begun ....

grannyqueenie Sun 28-Jul-19 23:28:45

razzmatazz123 I saw this the other day and immediately thought of it when i read your moving post

Razzmatazz123 Sun 28-Jul-19 23:56:40

That's lovely Queenie. I wish I could say something that would help Aqua. I know what I would need from my mother to start the journey to healing our relationship, but my mother is not you. I hope so much that my children remain close to us and each other. I don't know what it is like to have a close knit family and I am terrified of mucking it up. Its tough. I guess give your love and care where it is needed, don't think it's taken by those you cannot see.

Joyfulnanna Mon 29-Jul-19 00:04:58

So what would you need from your mother razzmatazz? You seem to want to heal the pain

Razzmatazz123 Mon 29-Jul-19 00:15:23

I would need her to tell the truth, admit she needs help, apologise and promise to be better in future. She can't though, she lied to too many people and backed herself into a corner. It would take immense strength on her part to admit she didn't love me the way she should. That she treated me very badly. I would forgive her though and others probably would too. That's very idealistic though. I know it is hard to understand that some people enjoy hurting others, especially a mother to her own child. She did though, she laughed while I cried. I still wish for the miracle sometimes, I also wish I wouldn't. She hasn't even called in 6 years, she doesn't want me back.

Razzmatazz123 Mon 29-Jul-19 00:24:22

I wonder though if that would work for estranged parents, an apology, a promise to change any behaviour the child asks for, maybe an offer to go to therapy. They are obviously in pain on some level, if they make accusations that aren't true, there must be something broken in their minds somewhere. I've read about implanted memories and my therapist says it does happen and that is why they don't look for repressed memories because the danger is putting memories in instead of drawing them out. Brains are complicated computers and sometimes they malfunction with memory. The pain they feel is very could be very real to them. I made sure wiylth my therapist that wasn't me. My mother did a good job convincing me I was crazy

Razzmatazz123 Mon 29-Jul-19 00:25:57

Past my bedtime. Not able to put my thoughts down coherently and dealing with a kidney infection. I really do wish you all the best

Starlady Mon 29-Jul-19 08:08:55

OMG, Razzmatazz, your posts brought tears to my eyes. No child should ever be treated the way you obviously were. The fact that it went on to impact your DS (dear son) shows even more how bad it has been. Kudos to you for having the strength and courage to break the pattern of unhappy childhoods and raise your kids in a more loving way!

I'm not sure an apology and promise to change would be enough for me after her behavior had affected my DS. IMO, it's very gracious of you to be willing to forgive on that basis, given the circumstances. In many cases, I agree, an apology and promise to change would definitely begin the healing. But some cases are more complex than that b/c, as you may have seen here, parents/PILs and AC/CIL don't always agree on what happened.