Ex husband in my house!!

If your children wanted him to stay and asked you to let him, then they should telk him to go. So just tell him yourself - it's no big deal. Then talk to your "adult" children about growing up!

I feel for you and think its not an easy situation but it is a situation and you have to unravel it. Some people can do this and come up smelling of roses. I guess you aren't one of them and hate confrontation. You have my sympathy.

Go to the house and tell your ex to leave. Take a friend for moral support. What a cheek! We're all rooting for you.

As for your ACs. That's for another time. Are you afraid they will be shocked at your callousness? How could a loving parent who has always supported them, suddenly stop. You could point out, if you haven't already, that they could end up like him if they continue to sponge off you.
They really should be offering to help by now. You must just appear too capable and in control that they haven't noticed how vulnerable you really are. Good luck!

I agree with all the others who have replied as with one voice. How to accomplish it? Perhaps this is an occasion for displaying your feelings to them all instead of the cool, calm, and restrained of your professional role .

I agree with Annepl that if your kids were involved in asking if it was ok for dad to stay there, then they should ask him to clear out. It sounds like they are not doing that so you will have to take the reins and make the move.

I would also insist that the house is spic and span and groceries replaced when you come home. No dirty sheets and towels.

We once extended an invite to an acquaintance to use our house while we were away and he was travelling through our town. I came home to dirty unmade bed, liquor cabinet depleted and forgotten dirty socks under the bed. Needless to say, he was never invited again whether we were in town or not.

Work out when you'll next have 'home leave' and use that as your deadline if it's reasonably soon. Write and tell him that's when you'll be there and say that you need him out and the house in a decent state for your return .
Problem might be if that date is weeks away - the longer he's there the more embedded he'll be.
If that's the case, you really need to arrange a quick trip asap and use that as your deadline.
Agree that the 'rent' issue should be addressed but not immediately!

You're needing your house back so he needs to return to his own home - just tell him yourself . straight and fast . He's getting very comfy - sounds a bit like The Lady in the Van - he'll be moving the van into your drive soon . Act fast , you're becoming a victim of your own kindness . Tell us how you got on , Sarah !

Agree with all the posters this is not your children’s problem to put their Dad out and you really are wrong to expect them to
As an avoider and peace maker myself I understand how hard it is but you have to pluck up the courage and do it yourself Keep the children completely out of it, it’s between you and him alone
The first mistake was letting him in at all When my ex returned to Uk for a holiday a few years back he begged and begged to visit me I said no every time I ve only recently learned that he was trying to get all the relations to bring him to see me I had to say no I knew if I saw him he I would get drawn back in Never, never let an abuser back in your life if you have managed to ‘escape’ however it’s done now in your case so you have to right the wrong and tell him to move and if he won’t a solicitor and lock change is really necessary

Why!! Whatever possessed you?

Sarah, I’m amazed you’ve remained so calm! It seems you have spent all your adult life looking after children. It’s time to stop
You are being taken advantage of.
Reclaim what is yours.
Daughter and partner give them 2 months notice to leave, if they have been living for free then they should be in a position to move on.
Ex husband 48 hours to leave.
It is only fair your son remains at home.
Your reluctance to deal with this and pass the buck to your children was possibly not the best decision, however what’s done is done, I imagine you were sick of having to do everything yourself.
You gain no respect by being nice, once you confront them you will probably be amazed at how quickly they capitulate.
Good luck.

I don't agree. The children obviously asked if he could stay. (^I agreed^)
I think they share responsibility. They sound selfish, but people will treat you as you allow them.

annepl has it - they will treat you as you allow them. You will no doubt have to go to the house yourself and remove him, literally, but then say to your daughter that this is an example of why its best to get things on a more formal footing so she needs to pay rent. If your son is leaving soon (and sounds like he is 18?) then you can leave him out of the equation, but if your daughter is 27 and has a partner you can't really let them live in the house rent free. Particularly if they are going to behave like nothing is their problem.

Surely you could phone the house and speak to him . Souds a horrible situation but the ball is in your court.

Oh, Sarah, I feel for you! What a situation! I think a lot depends on whose idea it was for XH to stay at your house. If your AC asked for this, as Anne believes, then, yes, they should take some responsibility for telling him it's time to leave. If he asked you, then, it's totally between you and him. You own the house - it's up to you who gets to stay there and how long, and, basically, up to you to enforce it.

Even if your AC did ask for XH to stay in the house, it may be hard for them to kick him out. He's their dad, after all, and they, no doubt, still love him even though you don't and despite his faults. So, in the end, if you really want him out, I'm afraid it's going to be up to you, regardless.

I know you don't want to be the "bad guy." But how is asserting your rights over your home being bad? It's not as if he doesn't have anywhere to go. You agreed he could stay for the celebration, not move in permanently.

But he has always been a user and taken advantage of people, etc. (probably b/c of his addictions). You knew that. So I could be wrong, but I think you let him stay out of guilt that you couldn't be there.

No need to feel guilty though. As PPs have pointed out, your AC (and SIL) still depend on you - and XH leaned on you for years (and is doing so again, now). And there's no bad guy - unless it's XH for taking advantage of your generosity. You're just a home-owner asserting her rights over a home she alone pays for, etc.

What are you going to do when you lose the flat at the end of the summer? Go back to living with the man you divorced? Giving him room and board and a nice, clean home as you did all those years before? I hope not.

And why shouldn't you be able to happily go home now? Why are you paying for everything, yet the only one who can't comfortably live in the house? IMO, this has to stop!

I think you've been given a lot of good suggestions for getting him out. Please use whatever strikes a chord with you and do it. As a PP said, you don't have to give a reason - it's your house, period.

To change metaphors, please take the bull by the horns, get him out of your home, and don't let him back in again for any reason, no matter who asks.

Best of luck and please let us know what you decide to do and how it pans out!

It's difficult doing this. I didn't really think when I posted my comment. But I remember my husband nearly destroyed our home whilst drunk (chip pan) and how guilty I felt putting him out of our home.
But you can't be responsible for him. Nor should your children expect it. Its sad for them whatever age that their dad is an alcoholic as it is for my own children. You do really need to be selfish and think about your own wellbeing Sarah. Don't feel bad or guilty. No need to.

If it's your home, it's your responsibility to get him out.

I'd suggest contacting a solicitor - depending on the laws in your area and how long he has been there, there could be tenants' rights that apply to him. A solicitor will be able to help you determine how to legally evict him.

Your children have a right to have a relationship with their father. That relationship does not have to involve you, nor are they being disloyal to you by having such a relationship.

Could you tell him now that you want him out by the end of June, final. Chase him up in 3 weeks and ask exactly when he's going.

Say you will be returning home for the summer holidays, and you will be having friends to stay, and want your own home back without him there. Is it possible that you could get a couple of friends to actually come and stay, and make it really clear it's time for him to move on.

My guess is your emotions are all over the place Sarah. Living with an alcoholic is an impossible situation but doesn't mean your feelings go absolutely and you probably felt that IF he was going to stay for a short time to be with the children albeit adult children then it would please everyone?

Now it has backfired and you are left to sort it out?

I disagree with everyone who says it is not the childrens' responsibility. I agree they probably don't want to see their dad, down and out BUT if they understood just how bad it is to live with an alcoholic and how much you have achieved to pull yourself out of the situation and build a life then they should realise; they invited him, they need to (gently) ask him to leave!

Go home - stay strong - and tell him he HAS to go! If he won't (assuming he doesn't have any rights to the house) call the police to get him removed. IF your children don't agree then tell them THEY can have him living with them when they find somewhere else to live.

It doesn't have to be nasty - just positive.

As far as I can make out he was only given use of the house over the Bank holiday to attend your daughter's birthday party, as that is now over he should go. Could you get a day off to go home and sort this out, he must realise he can't stay. I do think your adult daughter should make her own life now and at the very least contribute to the household budget, you must somehow explain this to her. If she doesn't want to contribute she and partner should find their own home.

For me, it’s a matter of who invited him.

I suspect it was your children. Ifvso, they need to make him leave. It’s time your 27 yr old daughter grew up. She can handle it. They are all taking extreme advantage of you.

Have you looked into therapy to help recover from living with your ex? I’m sure you picked up enabling methods to cope, and have now transferred that to your children.

This is their dad, their mess and theirs to fix.

It certainly does look as if the children asked for him to stay as sarah6980 says she "agreed" to him staying, so they should tell him it's time to go, however, if they refuse I really think it should be dealt with very quickly.

Sarah, have you ever looked into AlAnon? IHaving lived with an alcoholic for so long, you probably could use their service (and so could your AC if they're interested). If you're not familiar with them, they're affiliated with AA and help relatives of alcoholics I think one of their main offices is in London. If there aren't any meetings near you, I believe there are some AlAnon support groups on FB (not sure if they are run by the actual AlAnon or not). I applaud you for developing a successful career, raising two children largely on your own, and eventually, pulling away from your X. But I think you could use AlAnon's help in figuring out how to keep him and DD and SIL from taking advantage of you.

I don't agree Summerlove it's the poster's house and she needs her ex husband out of there as she will no longer be able to use the flat. Sorting this out herself will send a clear message to her family that it's not down to them who is allowed to live in the house.

Personally I think OP needs to kick them all out. However, her children need to act as adults and remove their guest.

If OP does it, she’s turning herself into the bad guy and continuing to enable people who do not seem to respect her.

I still have a problem with the "bad guy" concept here. Who cares if XH sees her as the bad guy? She doesn't need him to like her, and IMO, he's being the bad guy b/c he knows he should have left already.

Oh, maybe you mean her AC won't like it, Summerlove. But why should she care? It's HER house and she needs him out by the time she comes home again - whether that's at the end of the summer when she has no choice or next weekend if she would like a weekend at home. Usually, I worry about anyone offending their AC b/c it can lead to estrangement. But, in this case, IMO, the OP needs to assert her rights, no matter who gets mad.

The second one. Sort of.

Her children are afraid of looking like the bad guy to their father. So They are happy to let their mother do it for them. By allowing this dynamic to continue, she is enabling them to not act like adults.

I completely agree that he needs to get out of the house immediately, and the “adult” Children can be offended as they want.