Gransnet forums

Relationships

Ex husband in my house!!

(55 Posts)
sarah6980 Thu 09-May-19 10:48:09

I really, really need advice please. Get a cuppa, this is a long one.
I met my ex husband when I was 23. I fell hook, line and knickers for him.I dropped everything for him. It turned out that he was a manic depressive and an alcoholic. He hasn't worked in all the time I have known him: we are 58.
I have had quite a successful career, ending up as Deputy Head of a school. I raised our three children and kept a home going for them, even though it was tough with their father either drunk or in and out of institutions for his mental health or his addictions. They definitely suffered as a result.
Fast forward to now. I still teach and examine and am a temporary houseparent at a school which has a flat with the job. I stay in the flat during the week and go home for holidays and days off. I lose this facility at the end of the summer term.
Over the Bank Holiday, my daughter was 27. All the family met for a picnic which was lovely...except I couldn't go as I had to be in school...too long and boring and smelly drain related to go into! I agreed for my ex to stay in the house so he could celebrate with the family.....he is still there!

I messaged my daughter last night who got really nasty with me when I asked her to tell her father to leave. She says it isn't her responsibility. My son said very much the
same: too busy etc to tackle their dad. I believe, as adults, they have to take responsibility for their dad if he won't as I am not involved anymore. We haven't lived together for years!!!
May I point out that neither of my kids, nor their partners pay to live in my house. My son is off travelling and then to Uni soon, but my daughter and her partner live their full time. My ex shares a squalid flat with a friend of his. He also has a camper van which is off the road atm, which he travels round in and 'shoots the breeze'!!!!!!!!!!!!
I always end up being the bad guy. I have tried to explain to my kids that having their dad around churns me up and makes me feel ill with anxiety.
I am always the bad guy in any situation. I just want to stay in my flat at school and never go home because I feel so disenfranchised. I feel so weak and then so guilty at the same time. I just don't know what to do.
Please be gentle! I know I sound like a complete doofas and I deserve a metaphorical kick up the bum but am very fragile today!!

FarNorth Thu 09-May-19 10:51:13

Sorry, but ex in your house is a separate issue from what your adult kids are doing.
It is your responsibility to tell him to leave.

FarNorth Thu 09-May-19 10:52:54

Also, your daughter & partner should pay towards the expenses of the home (if you don't want to call it rent).

jaylucy Thu 09-May-19 11:00:48

Sorry, but it's a bit of a cop out asking your children to ask your husband to leave, it really is your responsibility. If you think there may be a problem, it might be an idea to get legal advise on this and while you are at it, draw up a rental agreement with your daughter and her partner to make sure they pay towards house expenses - at 27, she should not expect to live anywhere for free!

Poppyred Thu 09-May-19 11:01:05

Pack his things and show him the door? Why aren’t you able to do that? Bit of plain speaking here I think. He’s your ex not a loved one so just tell him to go.

EllanVannin Thu 09-May-19 11:01:44

What a damned awful life ! You've done well to have got this far more or less unscathed but you can do without past reminders being there under your nose right now. Can't you muster up some " oomph " and tell him to clear off ? I would !!

quizqueen Thu 09-May-19 11:20:21

Two mistakes and both are your problems to sort.
Why did you let him stay there in the first place?
Why are your family living in your home at your expense?

Luckygirl Thu 09-May-19 11:20:43

It is really your job to send him packing. I can understand that your children do not want to take responsibility for doing that. Get some legal advice to back you up and go give him the boot!

Sashabel Thu 09-May-19 11:26:07

If you don't feel up to confronting him, you could be a bit sneaky and wait until he goes out and then slip in and change the locks!! (Very easy to do on modern upvc or composite doors, you don't need a locksmith)

whywhywhy Thu 09-May-19 11:28:52

Come on you are an independent and clever woman so why are you letting this happen? First tell your ex that he has to go back to his own place as you are not a couple now and it is your house. Be firm. Then sit your kids down and tell them that you are sick of being treat like a doormat and they either pay or move out. Why not empty the place and sell it? Buy yourself a little flat and spend any left over on a holiday? Let us know how you get on. PM me if you want. Take care. x

Welshwife Thu 09-May-19 11:41:25

As I understood the post the OP allowed her ex to stay in the house for convenience while there were celebrations which she was unable to attend as on duty at the school. It is likely she has, as yet, not been able to return home due to work commitments - I think the ex has taken full advantage of the situation and likes being in a clean home and is probably being fed too. He was allowed to stay with the children and they should have been able to just say to him that it is time for him to leave. The children paying nothing for living in the house is another matter but again unfair to the OP.

glammanana Thu 09-May-19 12:14:17

I feel for you sarah are you feeling unable to confront your ex and are you affraid of the reaction you will get from your children they seem unable to take responsability for their fathers staying in your house,would he have stayed over if you where at home or has he just latched on to the fact you where not at home and unable to attend.
Your DD and partner need to be contributing to household costs so put on your big girl knickers and tell them how things will be in the future for your own good.Good luck to you

David0205 Thu 09-May-19 12:26:30

You seem to be the breadwinner for the whole lot of them, had you thought of throwing your toys out of the pram and really shocking all of them.
I’m sure you love your job but is it time to think about yourself and your quality of life rather than pandering to them. Think on it,why be everyone’s doormat when you could enjoy life.

Grannyknot Thu 09-May-19 12:42:10

Hi Sarah the "hook, line and knickers" made me grin

Here's my tuppenceworth (and I hope it comes across as gentle) - you're not the "bad guy", you just don't want your ex-husband living in your house, that's kinda normal for a lot of people. (Although I'm not surprised he is reluctant to go back to a squalid flatshare).

If he just doesn't leave, you'll have to get a lawyer involved. But I have a feeling that he is probably just waiting to be given the heave-ho and knows that he will have to go back to "shooting the breeze". I'd keep it simple, no need to go into lengthy explanations, just tell him to be out by a certain date. Cheeky b*gger!

Good luck!

M0nica Thu 09-May-19 13:25:17

This has all come to place because you have been avoiding issues and trying to buy peace and quiet. It never works.

Your husband's presence in the house is your responsibility. He is your ex , but your children's father. So do not avoid the issue, give him his marching orders, verbally, written by you or written by a solicitor with the threat of eviction.

Then tell your DC that if they want to stay long term in the house they must pay rent and a fair share of utility bills and council tax. Say, £500 a month inclusive of all bills.

Better still if the house is really too big for you and your needs if you lived alone there, put it on the market and trade down to a property that enables your children to stay for a couple of days to visit but too small for them to move in. they will get used to it.

The answer is in your hands, as it always has been, you have jut got to act to deal with it, not run away from it, which is what you are doing at the moment

Tweedle24 Thu 09-May-19 13:39:12

I agree with all those who say it is your responsibility, not that if your children, to tell your ex to go. However, I do understand that might be easier said than done depending on both your personalities. You may well need to get legal advice. You do say that you are feeling weak and disenfranchised.
As for children not paying their share of the household budget, that is a totally different matter. You did not directly ask for advice on that matter but, it must be something that concerns you or, you would not have mentioned it in your post. It sounds as though you might need to gird your loins and get these things sorted. Do you have a close friend who, without getting directly involved, could give you some moral support? I assume that it was you who initiated the divorce so remember that and call that strength again to give your husband his marching orders.

GracesGranMK3 Thu 09-May-19 13:50:54

Sadly, I understand all too well where you are coming from. I think/hope that in a similar position my children would support me but they are quite a bit older than yours and have had their own, adult experiences with their father.

I would try and get some (free) legal advice. Once you know where you stand with your ex, it will be easier to decide what to do. At the moment that is your priority, not the ACs. Deal with one thing at a time or you will feel swamped.

I have no doubt your ex. was manipulative in the past, both the alcoholism and the illness contribute to that. The problem with that is it is so near the surface and hits you a lot quicker when it returns. Get advice and then, if necessary, bring in outside help. I shall be thinking of you.

Telly Thu 09-May-19 14:49:17

If you gave your permission for him to stay then it is up to you to withdraw it and make sure he goes. It is also time that your children started to pay their own way, but I guess you know that already. I would think that £500 pcm is the minimum. I would firstly give your ex out of your house and then have a full and frank discussion with your adult children. It does seem that you do tend to avoid confrontation but sometimes it just has to be done. Deep breath, and go for it!

Namsnanny Thu 09-May-19 15:16:02

Sara...you have my sympathy.
Your children just don’t want to deal with it.
So do as others have suggest get advice, if appropriate write a letter or get a solicitor to do so on your behalf.
If the ac’s Blame you in any way don’t retaliate just ignore what they say. Don’t let them drag the situation out or give them any ammunition to make a mountain out of a mole hill.
He is manipulating the situation to his own ends.
Take back control.
BTW, not quite sure why people are suggesting dealing with the rent situation with your daughter right now???? That would seem to me giving her something to get annoyed with you about just at a time when feathers need to be smoothed!
shamrock good luck

Namsnanny Thu 09-May-19 15:17:08

Sorry ‘Sarah’ not Sara!

rosecarmel Thu 09-May-19 15:28:32

smile

bingo12 Thu 09-May-19 15:34:15

Agree with last poster Namsnanny - write letter to your ex. giving him xx days notice to leave your property - keep it short - no reason needed. Then go back to your house and change the locks. Give child new key on condition their father is not let back in. If he has not left by day of your notice - put all his possessions outside the house. Call police if necessary. He has no right to be there.

sodapop Thu 09-May-19 15:47:21

I understand you feel bogged down with all this sarah there is no easy way out though. Probably thinking about it all is worse than actually taking action.
You need the house yourself soon as you will not have use of the flat so put time limits in place now. Telly is right you are avoiding confrontation but this needs to be done. I don't understand either why your children are living free in your house but that's a confrontation for another time. Go for it, you will feel much better when you have set the wheels in motion for getting rid of your ex.

FlexibleFriend Thu 09-May-19 18:06:54

It's your house and your ex so it's your responsibility to tell him to leave. He has somewhere to go so change the locks and then tell him to go there and then. I wouldn't be surprised if you end up needing bailiffs. Do not be a door mat and do not be nice. Present him with a notice to quit from a solicitor if you like but make sure you have access and he doesn't. I'd also charge the adults rent to live there.

Sara65 Thu 09-May-19 18:46:01

It seems like your family have taken over your home whilst you are tucked away in your little flat, if you aren’t there very often, it probably seems to your children that they can pretty much do as they like

I definitely think it’s your job to get rid of your ex, and really you need to take control of the whole situation, your house, your rules, get your children paying their way, get rid of your feckless ex, and move back home

The longer you stay in your cosy flat, however temping, the harder it will become