Depressed,abandoned daughter

You’ve had lots of good advice so I won’t repeat it, except to say that it doesn’t seem unfair that SiL has them every weekend and please unfollow him and his parents on Facebook, it’s not the same as unfriending and they won’t know about it, you just won’t see their posts.
My exSiL trotted back to his parents and then into the arms of another woman with whom he has two more children. He pays no maintenance for DGD. We’ve come to the conclusion, over the years, that he is a sociopath. BUT DD is unrecognisable to the person she was when married to him. She is stronger than I’d ever have believed possible. This is what I hope for your DD too. You’re doing everything right so just keep on!

Oh dear Jaffacake2 - this sounds like a very raw time and as though it has only happened relatively recently. I read a wonderful phrase in a family court recommendation by a solicitor recently (a couple who have dragged each other, and the children, though the courts over access following their marital breakdown) which spoke about the need for the children to feel as though they are being ‘richly shared rather than deeply divided’. Your daughter and son in law need to focus on the children’s enduring need for love, security and consistency and, even though their marriage has clearly broken down, to negotiate as adults and parents over their children’s future wellbeing. It sounds as though you have had experience yourself of being a single parent and am, I’m sure, a treasure for your daughter. Although it must be dreadful to see your daughter hurting so much, try not to get bitter over your son in law’s abandonment of her. In a strange way if it was going to happen, it’s almost better that this has happened whilst the children are still quite little as they will adjust more quickly to Mum and Dad being apart. Enjoy your Grandchildren, let your daughter know how much you love her (I’m sure you do..) and do make sure you have some support, and time, for yourself in all this.

But I bet they all say that!

What is it with mothers and their sons?
I’d like to think if my son was behaving like an absolute pig, I wouldn’t be so blinkered!”

Hello. Your letter resonated with me as my daughter was left by her husband 3 months after the wedding. They were together 9 years and had twin boys aged 6 at the time. He came back 8 months later to do the same again after 3 months. She was in a terrible state. She had to take time off work. I was very involved with the boys and she got better and strong enough to divorce him. She then met a lovely man with whom she just had a little girl. The x husband is still causing trouble and doesn't pay anything towards his boys but demands to see them regularly. His mother has behaved in an evil way and we don't have any communication with her. Keep away from the in-laws. They will condone their son's behaviour no matter what he's done. Another bit of advice. Tell your daughter to block him from social media. It only adds to her pain. Tell her she will get through this awful time and to be kind to herself. All the best.

My boys were 7 and 5 left in an awful mess and looking back the only thing I needed was a listening ear. I had to go onto benefits because he would not support us. He did me a huge favour because whilst unemployed I went to college and slowly changed my life for the better. Yes I too lost the in laws but it certainly made me stronger and yes it was a very lonely and painful time but I ended up with a completely different life. All I would say to your daughter is There is a light at the end of the tunnel. As was said to me at that time 30 odd years ago.

Thank you for suggestions. At the moment the 3 year old attends nursery and 2 year old at home with mummy through the week and he has them at weekends. This suits my daughter at present as she gets a break and can see friends. She has lots of local friends and little ones who all go to toddler groups in the week. When the children are both at school i can see the arrangements changing so she has alternate weekends with them.
This has triggered memories of my past
when my exhusband left us and I brought up 2 girls by myself. I never thought my own child would be in this situation decades on. She now says she gains strength from the memories she had of growing up with lots of fun and now aware we had minimal money. It's true that children remember the times spent with them rather than how much is spent on them.

That is a sad first post Jaffacake I'm so sorry for you all in this situation. Good advice given on here, don't get involved with the in laws unless its necessary, don't criticise the children's father in their hearing etc. Continue to support your daughter as you have been doing but don't put your own health at risk. Lots of love and cuddles for the children.
My daughter was in a similar situation some years ago and now her daughter is grown she has said how much she appreciates the fact her mother was always there for her. Unlike her father who provided holidays and treats but nothing else. Good luck.

Jaffacake2 welcome to Gransnet. I’m sorry that your first post has to be such a sad one. I agree with the others that your priority is to look after your own health, while supporting your daughter as much as possible. She needs to get a better balance with the childrens’ visits to their father. It’s not fair that he has all the weekend fun, with his parents’ support, while she has to cope with everything else.
Whatever else she does, please encourage her not to “badmouth” their father in front of them. My daughter split from a very bad relationship, but has always spoken well of their father to the children. He wasn’t a good father in terms of interacting with them, but he does love them. They are adults now, and are on good terms with him. Your GC will soon pickup that their dad and his parents speak badly of her, if that is the case, and it will be held against them.
I hope that life improves for you all soon.

I think Easybee has given you very good advice. The practicalities need to be sorted. The children need to see your dd at weekends not just during the week. The other granddad and grandma are obviously trying to heap goodies on the children in a battle to win them, but as The Beatles famously sang "money can't buy love." The children will know this. Try to spend quality time with them as others have said and let them know what love is. Money it aint.

The very best action is silence. Continue to support your daughter as best you can, but not at the expense of your own well being. It is very hard, there are many many others in similar positions. You must know the boundaries on what you are able to do, and try to stick to them while supporting your daughter if you can.

Very sad time for you all Jaffacake2 but it won't always be this tough, the children are very young still and there's no rush for your daughter to find work as that can add to some of her stresses. Part time work or study would probably fit in better with young children and could possibly give her and them a better future. I agree with you encouraging her to join other mums groups, even mum's net as she can get a lot of support and social interaction while she rebuilds her life. Stay neutral with the in laws and SIL as it will all work out eventually and I'm glad you unfriended some of the facebook contacts. Good luck, take good care of yourself and enjoy your holiday

I think Facebook causes endless upset

One of my granddaughters, lives apart from her dad, and there have never really been any problems with his parents and my daughter, my granddaughter loves nanny and spending time with her, which my daughter has always encouraged

The problem is, dad now has a new family, and it’s all over Facebook every weekend, the amazing time they are all having together, my granddaughter doesn’t have access to Facebook at the moment, but when she does it will be very hurtful

Yes we are all with you. And it never ceases to amaze me how the more guilty a person is the more they will lie to get support and the more support they will get, for in your case your SILs parents don’t want to believe his flaws. So it’s tough. Brilliant advice above. You are doing the right thing. I’ve found the more you try to appease people who are acting incomprehensibly and unfairly the more they think you are to blame!! So don’t bother. And do help daughter get her rights sorted out. It’s s bit of a bootstrap time and the truth will out. Power to you both and enjoy those lovely kids.

Hard to stay on the side lines when your family is going through such turmoil but absolutely vital. Words can’t be taken back and so easy to say/type something that is misconstrued unintentionally or possibly intentionally. I would block any relevant individuals on Facebook. Sometimes it is deliberately used as a weapon to undermine others.

It sounds as if this man is the product of his rather destructive and unkind parents. Perhaps you can do some groundwork on possible mediation/separation particularly sorting out fairer access so that the information is to hand when it’s needed. If they don’t cooperate it will reflect badly on them further down the line.

“ Loadsamoney” isn’t likely to influence such young children but love and security will shape their future development. My SM used to send postcards, comics and even things she cut out of magazines that she thought might interest them.

Story as old as time. Little boy hasn't grown up and runs back to mummy - who welcomes him with open arms.

YOUR DAUGHTER is lucky to have your support. I would not contact the in laws The situation sounds quite new so some time is needed. is there any help available to
your daughter for her depression. Any groups around for single mums to support each other. Try and do things with your daughter and the children. They need to see that they can have fun with you. local parks and leisure centres often have events.

Encourage your daughter to keep in touch with friends

Difficult but try not to discuss the situation in front of the children. Its surprising how much young children pick up on.

Give your daughter good wishes - Remind her she is stronger than she realises.

You are doing a good job. Try to talk to someone for your own anxiety.

Jaffacake2, first of all, welcome to Gransnet where you will hopefully find some support and inspiration. Second, kids tend to remember the fun times not who spent a ton of money on them so enjoy your break and have lots of fun together (with lots of photos if you want to take them). It's nice that you are supporting your daughter but please look after your own health too and don't take on too much. I have to shoot to the dentist but didn't want to read you post and run, as such. I hope things work out for you, your daughter, and your grandkids/ Best wishes.

Helping out with children and gen chores. She will be glad of that don't get involved with in-laws we don't waste of time no help given at all with grandchild. Suffers depression her loss grandchild doesn't even like her. Help daughter with child support forms and make sure she is getting any money go on entitled to.or gov.uk for help. Holiday away from stress will be good for everyone she will get through it years later we have happy grandchild doing well at school although it's been hard work life does get better .

I totally agree with eazybee and Craftycat he shouldn't be having the children every weekend. Your daughter needs time to relax and enjoy her children and he needs to take more responsibility. Have a lovely holiday

I'm so sorry you and your family are having to go through this. As others have said stop looking at their posts on Facebook, it doesn't help. Continue to give your daughter all the help you can. Remember there is light at the end of the rainbow. Children grow up so quickly and they will decide for themselves who they want and who they love.

Having been in a similar situation when my own son was 10 months old (turned out a couple of weeks down the line that my ex was seeing a co worker ) I was lucky that my in laws were very supportive at the time, but nevertheless it is a very isolating time.
At the moment, forget about the in laws. They have obviously been told a story by their son who either believes what he says or made up the story to make himself look good! Don't look at or contact them on FB at all. Try not to make what they do with the grandchildren into a competition - they would most probably treat them the same if the marriage was still intact or not!
Your daughter is at the moment grieving for what she thought she had. Encourage her to go out to any local toddler/Mums' and Tots groups and she will no doubt find she is not alone.
Your SiL should be supporting the children financially - doesn't matter if he has them once a week, once a month, once a year make sure that your daughter claims whatever benefits she is entitled to while she is job hunting, including council tax benefit - in my experience, most benefit advisers have been helpful and you can apply for most things online.
If she feels her skills are not up to date, there are quite a few online courses available which are free or part time courses at a local college. If nothing else, it will boost her self confidence that she is not as stupid as she is probably feeling at the moment and will also possibly be a way of her meeting new people. There are not many part time jobs available at the moment unfortunately so contacting an employment agency may be helpful.

Thank you all for your kind comments and advice. It's funny that when you see it in front you realise things ie why have I not befriended them on Facebook so I don't get upset with photos ?! Done that now so don't have to see expensive treats for grandkids.
Had overlooked my needs which is why health has dipped ,so will be kinder to myself .
Although a sad first post this has been a supportive start to gransnet, hearing from people who have been through similar situations and their insight is helping me to have a better perspective on situation.

It sounds as if you are dealing with it in exactly the right way. Helping with the practical difficulties, listening and being there. It doesn't help people with depression to have people trying to fix it and suggestions can just feel like additional pressure. Accept that you cannot do that but knowing that you are there will be a big help for her and the children. The in laws are being unkind and she needs someone unequivocally in her corner when she needs to offload about them (although it is more tricky with the children as their relationship with them has to continue). There is nothing to be gained by your speaking to them but it might help her if you attend appointments with her even if you only sit in the waiting room.
I agree about the access. It is not reasonable for them to spend every weekend with the children and that needs to be formalised as quickly as possible. She might feel better once she starts to take some control and has a lawyer on her side as well as yourself. It does not sound like a situation where trying to agree these things amicably is likely to work. She could try writing out a schedule that suits her and sending it to him but it sounds as if it would just be something that would be used against her. Also, it does not always work to start out reasonable as that would then be taken as a point to negotiate from.
Play it by ear as things progress but don't expect too much of yourself. We are none of us miracle workers and pain can't be wished or organised away.

How come they get the children every weekend! That is hardly fair.So she gets the hard slog of the week -getting them to school etc. & he gets all the fun bits.
I would suggest she asks for some Mediation sessions.
My son & his lovely wife did this & they sorted out a proper routine so they could both have fun times with the children. It works really well & they now do alternate weekends & sometimes all go out together- that took time.
They get on really well now although will never get back together but the children never have to see or hear Mum & Dad arguing or even disagreeing. They have never bothered getting divorced.It does take some work & families need to keep out of it!
CAB should be able to put her in touch with a Mediation counsellor.

The little ones would probably have had the expensive holidays whether their parents were together or not! I wonder how often they were placed in the crèche. The greatest gift you can give anyone is your time which is what you are giving the children and their mum. We will always be mums, always. Dads seem able to physically and emotionally flit in and out of their roles don’t they? And where has this dad gone? To HIS mum!
I agree that you shouldn’t interfere on your daughter’s behalf even though it’s your instinct as a mum to do so. You can’t “unsay” things so best left. All the best.