Depressed,abandoned daughter

I feel sorry for you as a mother and grandmother your children will always be yours no matter what age they are. I have seen my family go through this several times and from experience just make sure you support your daughter and grandchildren and do not give any reason for the in-laws to argue with you just do your best for you and daughter and grandchildren

I'm very sorry for your daughter and for you because of the strain on your health and spirits. I would not attempt any contact with the in-laws; just support your daughter as best you can. And do spare some time for yourself. It won't help your daughter if you collapse so try to find a balance. Good luck!

What a sad, but increasingly frequent, situation.
I am assuming that your daughter's position with regard to maintenance and the security of her home have been sorted out legally; if not she needs to address this immediately. The next thing she needs to tackle is access to the children, otherwise it will be: week equals Mummy equals work; weekend equals Daddy equals fun. She needs time at the weekend with her children, and he needs time undertaking parenting responsibilities such as medical appointments, clothes shopping, picking up from childminder/nursery etc. So easy to walk away back to Mummy and Daddy and refuse to discuss the situation.

Don't engage with him or his family because they clearly won't listen, but do everything you can to support your daughter to rebuild her self-confidence, and give the children love , stability and security, not selfishness masked by treats.

I don't know if it is possible, but if I were your daughter I would attempt to put an embargo on the in-laws plastering Facebook with photographs of the children.

This happened to my daughter when her son was only 6 weeks old. We offered our support but left any decisions about where she lived or what she did up to her. She was depressed, homeless and frightened.
Fast forward 6 years and she has surprised us all. She is working and studying. We have a lovely bright grandson who sees his dad and other granny and grandad every other weekend. He has taken it all in his stride.
She is reasonably happy with her lot, we have helped out financially when needed and given advice when asked. Trying not to be hurt when it wasn’t taken.
Just be there for her and definitely don’t get involved in family politics. Remember the messenger usually gets shot.

Trust me, it’s who they’re with, not where they are!
Have lots of fun

Hi Jaffa and welcome, the advice you have been given is what I would say too, keep away from contact and conflict with in laws Why are you seeing their pictures on fb I presume your daughter no longer has them as ‘friends’ on fb so no need for you to either that’s the first thing to do get rid of those accounts then you won’t see any pictures to upset you
I m sure lots of lies or exaggerations have been told My youngest s 18 year marriage has broken up and whilst I m the first to admit there were faults on both sides, this Christmas although I sent a card and the usual greetings to his parents, for the first time in 18 years nothing back just silence and I KNOW the blame will have been firmly and completely unfairly heaped on my daughters shoulders
Enjoy your holiday and forget about any kind of competition and stop looking at their shenanigans on fb

Thanks Dawn ,we are off on a caravan holiday by the seaside next month with daughter and kids, so lots of hugs and fun. Not going to compete with the in laws who took them business class abroad, but no sandcastles made ! Hidden power used with love.

Jaffacake
Getting involved with those in laws will only exacerbate the situation and will only lead to more stress for you and your daughter. Blood is thicker than water.
To counteract those in law "treats" (yuck l can only just imagine) you give your grandchildren loads of hugs and kisses and security and tell them they are great little people and by God this is what they will remember and this is character forming for them too. This is what l call hidden power and l have had to use this sort of power myself.
Very best. Dawn.

Jaffacake, you aren't alone in this situation. I'd ignore your former son in law and his family as much as is possible. Try to keep out of any conflict. Your son in law has effectively abandoned his responsibilities and duties as a father and partner. Of course he won't have been honest with his family about his reasons for doing this, it will no doubt all be because your daughter is unreasonable etc.
Offer practical as well as emotional support. Look after yourself.

I don’t think you’re being weak at all, it takes great strength not to become involved in a slanging match, when you feel your daughter has been treated unfairly

Thank you for your replies. Yes I expect the in laws have had lies told them about my daughter which is why they won't speak to her. They have known her for 9 years so you would have thought they would have had some feelings for her. But guess they will stick by their son.
You are right that I need to keep away from them and not interfere. Just wondered if I was being weak in not standing up for my daughter. Inner strength will get her through this,thank you.

This must be hard to bear Jaffacake2. Welcome by the way. Just a sad thread for your first venture on here.

It’s good your daughter is coming out of her depression (and shock I imagine). It must be very hard for her, holding things together with two babies.

I would say communication between you and your daughter is key. Ask her if she would like more help (are you able to stay over occasionally?). FB must be hard. I don’t do it myself, never have, Don’t see the need. Can she come out of it for a while until she feels stronger?

I wouldn’t say anything at all to her ex or his family. (a) it’s not your place and (b) I think afterwards you’d regret it. Whatever you would say isn’t going to change anyone’s behaviour.

Yes, it’s all very sad but the best way forward is for your daughter to find her inner strength. It is there, always.

I’m sure this is a problem that many families will identify with, as usual, it’s the woman left trying to hold things together, and the man just wanders off, back to mummy and daddy

You need to remember, in your daughters in-laws defence, that he has probably said lots of things about his marriage, and your daughter which aren’t the complete truth, and re the children, it’s always unfair when children have a fun weekend with daddy, and come home to tired, depressed mummy

If I were you, I wouldn’t interfere unless you feel you absolutely have to, support your daughter and grandchildren the best you can, be the bigger person