Worried Mum

Thank you so much everybody for your helpful replies and for sharing your experiences too. I think I will sit down with my son, just the two of us, and have a broad discussion with him which hopefully will enable him to raise his issues if he wants to. Thanks again

Sounds to me that somebody else is causing trouble and has put ideas into his head. I would make contact gently and say that when he is ready you are there for him. It is then up to him to make the first move.

Tillybelle, I'm sorry if you're AC are blaming you for the dad's suicide. How very hurtful! I think it's very normal for people to want to blame someone when a loved one commits suicide. Hard to accept that they had a mental illness or just had some 'reason' why they wanted to check out of life. But still, IMO, it's not fair for them to pin it on you and let that damage the relationship with the parent they have left (you). Are you sure it's just about that thought? Are there no other issues between you that you might be able to "fix?"

How frustrating and confusing for you, AnotherLiz! A lot of good posts here though, I think. I agree that you should just ask him straight out what's going on. But please be prepared for him to avoid the issue - or, to the contrary, bombard you w/ a list of grievances/questions. As a PP said, I would mostly listen - answer any questions briefly and kindly, but mostly listen and take in what he has to say. Mull it over and discuss it with DH before you give DS any major replies... Just my thoughts...

I am the middle child of three. There are no photos of me before the age of three, but there are several of my siblings. I was always aware that I was my mother’s least favourite child. Fortunately, I have created my own happy family consisting of my daughter, husband and granddaughter, and we are very close and happy. Chezzal, I do not wish to hurt you, but we each perceive our childhood in our own way - it is not for your daughter to tell her brother that his upbringing was happy. Only he knows how he felt as a child. My brother had a happy childhood, I didn’t and my sister has mixed feelings of hers. We are all individuals. O.P, I hope, given time, your son will return to the fold but it may be wise to allow him time!

In my childhood home, there were a fair few photos displayed of two elder sibs. None of me! I just shrugged and thought they’d got a bit cavalier with it all by the third.
Your son is channelling another issue here. You need to talk to him, quietly and gently. Do hope it works out ok.

Could it be that he has a son who has asked what his dad looked like at his age, and he is frustrated at his inability to show "evidence"?

My immediate thought is, does he have children, especially a son, who may have asked his dad if he looked like him at whatever age? This could explain it, as he may be frustrated at his inability to produce "evidence".

Sorry to hear this ..it is always hard when 'children' raise these kind of issues ..in my case, for no reason whatever, some years ago my daughter sent me back ALL the photos she had of me and her when she was young ...no explanation ..after 14 years still no idea ..she stopped speaking to me then ! very odd …..but just a few weeks ago I was talking to my step daughter and she said she had no photos of her when she was young, or of her late mother ...so a trip up to the loft uncovered years and years and many boxes of photos my husband had kept ...so I spent many evenings trawling through them al and found loads of photos of her and her sister , mother, grandmother, dog, aunties, etc etc so I have now got a very large box and am slowly putting them al in it along with some memorabilia of her father's time in the Royal Navy and the places he visited, his medals, magazines from the ships he served on, etc etc (he is sadly now in a care home aged 86 suffering from Parkinsons, dementia and cancer...has not seen his daughter for some 9 or 10 years ..neither of them were good at keeping in touch ...sadly I cannot ask him about the photos as he doesn't even know who I am, let alone who is in the photos...obviously I have kept some since we met 1 years ago, which are relevant to me ……….so please don't take it to heart ….there may be an innocent reason for his question ..I am 71 and there are only a very few photos of me from childhood …..but I have all the memories where they matter. My brother just passed away and I found loads of photos I never knew existed in his house which bring back lot of memories. You could perhaps explain, as others have said, camera, films and developing them were very expensive when money was tight ...and hope he understands.

Tillybelle

What good advice! We cannot undo the errors of our past, which were generally done in good faith. Of course if our adult children need us, we will be there for them and if talking about the past helps them, we will also be there for them, but sometimes nothing is good enough.

I was the youngest in my family and there are no photos of me as a baby. But I still had the happiest childhood of all of us.

My DS had counselling and these matters were raised. My Dd stepped in and told my son in no uncertain terms that his childhood was exactly the same as hers and her other brother and that their childhood was lovely. I did feel hurt and had wondered if I had done something wrong but felt better and reassured after my DD had taken matters into her own hands and the subject was never raised again. My DS and I have a really nice relationship so I was surprised the counsellor put these ideas into his head when he was most vulnerable.

I forgot to say, re photos, I did not have a camera when my first was little, then I had a cheap one which had of course to be developed. When my third was born eleven years after the first I had a better camera but still needed to find money for developing the photos. In other words, the younger the child the more likely there are more photos of them when young! Because I didn’t have much money and cameras weren’t the same as now! My eldest understands this I think.

He might have been having some sort of counselling where the subject of childhood is always brought up to try and make sense of the present. Don’t be offended by him, just ask him if anything is up and that you are open to any questions he might have. If he’s going through a process it’s important you support him even if you don’t like what he has to say. I had epilepsy when I was younger and questioned my mum about things I was just trying to work out what was wrong with me. My mum took my questioning very personally which I found distressing. I mean I wasn’t going to judge her if she’d dropped me on my head when I was a baby! I was just looking for answers.

I am so sorry about this. I suspect some introspection or counselling type of activity has disturbed him.
It happened to one of my children and I am sorry to say that I think this and her husband’s views have come between us. It was such a wonderful relationship too. I wish I could come up with advice or ideas that worked but nothing has worked for me. She would not entertain a close conversation and denies any suggestion that I make that she seems to be upset with me. I feel terribly hurt. It has been nearly ten years. I have honestly given up because I cannot get anywhere. I am a widow.
I think the advice people are giving is worth trying. But do just stick by your husband and make sure your lives together are as full and happy as you can make them. I have tried to make my life my own and be busy without reference to my children. They do live a long way away and are always busy. Their father committed suicide 28 years ago and I think they are blaming me. They were children and knew nothing about his terrible cruelty etc. My only way to survive is to be able to cope on my own. There is nothing to be gained in hoping for support from my children who only hurt me. The friends in my generation are those who understand. The younger generation are very cold and harsh today.
I do hope you can find a way through and I send you much love. Incidentally, I gain much comfort from the love and affection of my dogs! Dogs or pets may not be for you but you have the company of your husband so do enjoy and cherish each other. With much love and prayers, Elle.

Not many photos of him compared to what? The amount he thinks you should have (whatever that is - maybe basing it on how many a friends parents have of him) or fewer photos of him that of a sibling?

If the former then obviously the explanation about expense seems apt.
But fewer of him than of siblings? Well it happens. There are more of my older brother than me but I'm sure it doesn't mean anything!!

there's something going on in the background and you won't find out what it is until you ask him.

Does he have older siblings???
We have 3 children, my daughter the youngest pointed out that there were less photos of her on display. She felt hurt obviously. It wasn’t deliberate. I just never gave it much thought. So put it right, we laugh about it now.

Just ask him what the problem is. You can’t put anything right unless you know what is wrong.

Do you have any photos up of anyone? I noticed a while ago that all the photos on the mantle piece at my parents when I was about 40 were of my younger brother and his infant son. I did feel a bit jealous!

I mentioned it to my mother who said that my nephew, then aged 4, liked it like that! My mother then immediately put up a couple of photos of me. I immediately felt better!

Families are funny things! ?✅

All good suggestions to choose from so I hope you can get back to normal with your son. It may be just an oversight and there's nothing wrong at all, my son never sends cards to anyone, his partner does all that for them both otherwise it would never happen. Just ask, you'll never know if something is troubling him if you don't talk

I would meet my son and have a nice meal somewhere and gradually get around to asking him if he has issues with you? Or perhaps he is worried about another aspect of his life and is taking it out on his parents (maybe I am not wording this well)?

I would meet up and have a chat. There are only a few photos of us growing up because a camera was a luxury and my parents thought it better to feed us. I'm 50 so it was the 70's and not much money around.

I agree with those who have said meet up. But will he?

If he agrees, listen more than talk.

A straightforward answer regarding photographs is that it was very expensive to buy film and have it processed. There are very few photos of our family in the fifties, sixties and seventies. We didn’t have the money. Obviously you are worried about more than that but maybe (hopefully) he is just busy.

I dont see why you cant have a wee chat about it with him. Ask what's up. I suppose a lot depends on your relationship with him. If your DH was away a lot when your son was young he may just not have had a great relationship with him which would be understandable. Maybe he just plain forgot to send a card! It happens.