I think I should really consider leaving

Wishing you luck but think you need to go soon. He's not worth it nor is his money. Have a happy life. It will come. X

I still think it's very unlikely you will get the money. Just leave, and cut off all ties with them both..

Take care, cas. I hope he gives you the money, but I agree w/ loopyloo that your safety is more important than the money. Your freedom (from him)) is more important, too.

Good luck, cas58.

Hmm...don't like the sound of that. I would still have your stuff inside when he turns up, but packed up so he knows you're about to leave, otherwise if all your belongings have gone, he might just refuse to give you the money and there won't be a lot you can do. He might threaten to call the police, but call his bluff as I don't think they'll be interested. I don't think it's that easy to evict someone and presume you can prove you've been paying rent. That money is the very least you deserve after the way he's treated you.

Perhaps you can get him to give you at least some of the money. And then I think you might have to cut your losses. But be careful. Your safety is the most important aspect.

UPDATE
Well I Am moving tomorrow and he does not know that I have my new place. I asked for the money this morning, nicely. He came back saying be at the house tomorrow at 12 and have your stuff out of my house. Oh ffs! I said if you give me the money now I'll be out tonight. He hasn't answered me. I have an awful feeling I'm going to be ambushed!

Sounds good, Cas! Best of luck!

Aww Alexa you made me tear up with that poem. I'll get personal now and say I'm 61 and feeling like such a little kid. Have I become one of 'those' women. Staying with a man because 'I love him'. I get it. I get it. Wiser now. I have to stop beating myself up.
There are things I keep forgetting to remember, and I must remember them. I've started making notes of things that I have to remember. The good times come creeping back in and I have to remember the crap. I have to keep moving forward.
Jeez, new job, new hair, new flat and new city. Wow, that's a lot for anyone all at once.
Just need to get passed all the stuff to get accepted for the flat. Good boss will write letter of support for me.
I got my credit card increased so I have £1500 in case he reneges on the money he promised. If he comes through then I'll just get it lowered. No harm no cost.
Lots to do this Saturday, emptying my room totally so hopefully next Friday, when he is paid, he can give me my money and I'll disappear into the night. He'll be at hers I'm sure so he'll come home Saturday for the locks to be changed and come into a CAS FREE house. He'll be happy.
Seven, count 'em, 7 days to go!

gt66 wrote:

"----to add insult to injury, has come up with all sorts to shift the blame onto her and after offering the money, I suspect he doesn't want to pay it, hence the threatening of the police (which sounds ridiculous). It's a s**t thing to do, especially as he clearly courted Cas to start with, but now he's changed his mind, can't even be honest and decent about no longer wanting a relationship with her."

Your scenario is true of weak persons who don't take responsibility for their own actions and commitments. Weak persons are dangerous if one trusts them.

I leaned my back upon an oak

I thought it was a trusty tree

But first it bent and then it broke

So my true love did lightly me.

I agree Alexa I think hes's mixed up too and worried he may be getting angry as an excuse to not give Cas her money. He maybe said he would at a time he felt a bit softer towarder her.

I'm also a bit puzzled as to why he thought his 'mortgage would go up a lot' if Cas moved in? Surely it wouldn't make any difference and Cas paying rent would only ease his financial situation.

FWIW my take is that although they got on well to start with, he's still interested in his ex and when he saw the opportunity to get back with her, has lost interest in Cas (which is bad enough), but to add insult to injury, has come up with all sorts to shift the blame onto her and after offering the money, I suspect he doesn't want to pay it, hence the threatening of the police (which sounds ridiculous). It's a s**t thing to do, especially as he clearly courted Cas to start with, but now he's changed his mind, can't even be honest and decent about no longer wanting a relationship with her.

cas, I was reading your original post, and I think he's a very mixed up person who does not know what his priorities are.

Thank you Starlady & Ginny 42, I am going to be so much better once I'm out of here. I could actually be gone this weekend but I'm not budging till I get that money. If I leave I fear he won't give it to me.
I am keeping my mouth shut although I just want to scream! Need to go for a swim. I think once I'm out I'll contact RELATE and get some counseling.

It's important to stay safe. Don't rile him. What's the point now you're this close? You've been treated badly and they might be laughing at you behind your back, but you're on your way now. Don't stall it by making remarks about her! Ignore it.

You have a job and you've seen a nice place to live close to the job. Well done! Everything is slotting into place nicely and if you can get the promised money, all the better but you need to get away even if you stay with your friend for a short time.

It's not what you'd hoped for, but you are better off alone than with someone who treats you badly. xx

Oh cas, I'm so sorry. I really can't help but feel as if he's looking for an excuse not to give you the money. Please be careful. I know it may feel like walking on eggshells, but if you have to for a short while, it might be worth it if you really need those funds.

You seem to have a lot of support though, and I'm glad. I'm sure you'll be out by the 15th even if you have to stay at your friend's. And I'm sure you'll get the money you need, too, if you're careful.

Starlady, he's gotten mean. He won't speak to me now. He left a letter on the table last Monday saying he is changing the locks 15 June and I need to have my stuff out. I asked him, nicely, if he could postpone the locks as I've been looking at places but none are available before the 15th. No!
Apparently I've brought this on myself and I'm not playing a straight game. What the hell? I come to my room and never speak to him. I don't know why he's so damn mad at me now and he said he's spoken to the police who said he should have changed the locks two days ago! What on earth is going on!? I don't have a clue. I've been hashing it over with friends and they think it's her. Oh and on FB they've gone public now. Oh my gawd it's almost embarrassing. DON'T. CARE.
On the bright side I've found a place, new flat, close to work, I can cycle, just hope I pass all the requirements! My friend said I can stay with her and her family till I can get in. Have all my stuff in storage so it's safe. My new bosses have been so understanding and she said something about seeing what they could do. Wow.
I actually feel like he's black mailing me because if I speak back, stand up for myself, he threatens not to give me the money. sigh.....OH GAWD, I made the mistake last week and referred to her as Miss Piggy, he went mad! That's got to be it! It was rather funny and he did smirked. Hmm. Well that's not going to happen again. lol
Feeling like a bad girl. Bring on the 15th.

Well, no way to know if they talked about your being "psycho." IMO, it's more likely that she's pressuring him to have you move out ASAP. Did you tell him you won't know when you're moving out till you see if you have a place to move to?

"Plus don't change the locks till I'm gone... you'll still have to give me a key."

IMO, he shouldn't change the locks till you're entirely gone - not just staying at another apartment but have all your stuff out. So either he has to help you move or he has to wait. Regardless, I don't think he has any business expecting you to be fully out till he gives you that money on June 15.

Granted, he might want to set a deadline, and that's understandable, IMO. But it has to be reasonable, giving you ample time to find a new place. Also, if one plan doesn't work out, you may have to have a Plan B and even a Plan C. But again, I don't think you should be fully moved out before June 15 when he is supposed to give you that money. (By "fully out" I mean having all your things out.)

In fact, maybe I'm being unfair, but I'm suspicious that he might be trying to avoid giving you the money he promised, If you feel he's pushing you to move ASAP, that may be the reason. You might want to let him know you won't be fully out till you have the money in your hand.... IDK... Just a thought...

Well I guess they had a truly deep conversation about me and how psycho I am this weekend. He' just informed me he's changing the locks and wants to know when I'm moving. I have no idea when I'm moving. If this place on Tuesday falls through who knows how long before I get a place. Plus don't change the locks till I'm gone you jerkface you'll still have to give me a key. FFS.

It sounds as if he never fully got over her, no matter how critical he was of her. But that doesn't excuse his behavior towards you.

FWIW, I don't mind walks down the man's memory lane if it means that he trusts me w/ his memories, his hurt, etc. But if it's b/c he's still attached to the former love, that's a different story. Granted, you (general) can't know for sure which it is. But, IMO, if he ignores your wish to do new things, etc., then, as Alexa says, he's being very selfish.

Anyhow, I understand that it hurts that he's already running to her when you haven't even left yet. However, I'm glad that gives you time and space to get ready to move. I hope the place you're going to look at works out.

You deserve so much better than what you're dealing with now. Best of luck!

Update: Just thought I'd share this. Background story of himself and herself. Not that it matters, but what the heck this is what he told me about her. They dated when she was 19 and he 27. She stole money from him over a period of time to the tune of £700. He got mad, confronted her and her dad threw him out of the house.

Fast forward he's married 26 years, one child. (Lovely girl too. We get along great and she hated his ex)
Herself married once, two kids and one from a relationship that didn't work.
Anyway himself searched her out when his marriage was failing. They started up again 2011, threw out wife 2012. They have 6 years together before ending it in early 2017. Ended because, and he said - She is selfish and greedy. He said they only lived together for a year before she asked for more money and he got mad and said that was when he realised she was using him for his money and moved back to his house. He said she never says thank you, never put her hand in her pocket and she got fat. Her last child has autism and he couldn't take the behaviour of the child. He told me he hated that kid. Even though he moved back to his house they still were a couple. They were off and off over the 6 years they were together. Even got engaged but he wouldn't marry her (only found this out a few months ago, he said it was none of my business)

So we meet Nov 2017 and 18 months later I'm starting over again and he's over there now playing happy families for the third time. He hasn't even told his daughter yet, it's a secret remember, but I told her and she is backing me and just going to wait and see how long it takes him to tell her. She is not impressed in the least. She's 30 happily married with a child. Lovely girl. I feel more sorry for there than me, she's stuck with him.

Wow reading what I've just written makes me realise how bloody luck I am to be getting out. They deserve each other and no, I don't think it is going to last.

He doesn't want me to talk about our situation. I don't know why, except he knows he's going to come out looking bad. But, then he is a spin doctor and making me look horrible will be his thing and already started. But what do you expect from a narcissistic, materialistic functioning alcoholic who said to me, once me old man goes I'll be sorted for money and out of debt. I said to him, you're not entitled to his money just because you're his son and he hated me for that. Plus he had the nerve to ask me, before the £1500 offer, if I had money to lend him because he was short. He wanted £100. I said no. Well of course I have it and more but I still said no. Sort yourself out man. Oh gawd I cannot wait to escape from here.

This forum has been great for me and I thank each and every one of you. I also hope that my situation might help some other lady out there who might be able to relate to this. All your comments I've read and taken on board. I've grown up a bit more too. sigh.

It's nice to know, even though I don't actually know any of you, that I'm not alone.
Hugs to you all. xx

Ah Ginny42 thank you. I like what you said: he's going to be just someone I used to know. Yes. Funny thing is he is always said, with great pride, how he is friends with all his ex's. Guess I'm the exception.
I'm calmer now and just enjoying Saturday night. xx

I know that pain, but believe me you really don't want to be with someone who can treat you with such disrespect. Funny thing, I too remember just hearing them in my head laughing at me. I knew her laugh very well as she was a former friend and colleague. I hardly remember it now. That was when I began to realise how shallow they were. You will forget too in time.

Be very glad he's NOT there at the moment as it gives you time to sort your stuff and your head. Indifference is what you're aiming for. One day he's going to be just someone you used to know. No more than that.

I hope the place you're going to see on Tuesday is nice and you feel you can begin again there. Forgive yourself for anything you may have done or said. That's in the past now. Time for a new beginning. Don't look back. Don't try to check what they're doing. This is about you now. Hugs xx

DorraMarr, no, I'm afraid staying with friends isn't an option. I really need to be here anyway. I'm slowly getting my stuff together and with him gone mostly I can get on with it. So when it does come to moving there will only be a little bit. Thank you.

Yes I agree Alexa

Oh dear! Is there a friend you could stay with until you move to a new home?