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I think I should really consider leaving

(117 Posts)
cas58 Thu 16-May-19 22:49:07

Here I go. I don't know if I just need to write this down or am looking for some kind of reassurance. My BF and I met Nov 2017. Both 59, we're now 61. We have so much in common it's crazy. Walking, cycling, gardening, he's funny and we laugh a lot. At least we did. After 7 months we moved in together. It wasn't taken lightly, he was afraid his mortgage was going to go up a lot. We looked at him selling the house and it didn't sell. So when it came down to it the last resort was I would move in. My lease on my flat was up anyway so hey why not. We're old enough now.

So it was pretty great in the beginning, for about 3 months. Then, he took the loving away. No holding hands, hugs, and the sex was gone. He takes viagra which I said doesn't bother me in the least. I would try and talk to him about it and he'd get mad and defensive. I said I'd go to the doctor with him, ya know, moral support. Nope, he got really mad one day and said if he never have sex again it wouldn't bother me. If I wanted to find someone to have sex with that's fine, just be home at night. Are you friggin kidding me? Never gonna happen. So we plod along, I go in for hugs and kisses and well that's fine, I can live with it.

So, then I discover, he met up with his ex. I asked him about it and he got mad. I asked him why he lied and hid his meeting with her. Said they met for coffee. He said because he knew I would react like this. I said would it not have been better to tell me? No I wouldn't have been happy but I would know and I would accept it. I would never say who someone can and can't be friends with. However, he told me about her and I asked his a few times why on earth would you want to be friends with her? If I had known he was still hung up on her I definitely would not have moved in.

It's almost a year since we moved in together. He contacts her in almost a desperate way. The met up again last week and I found out by accident about this one. We had a blow out and we calmed down. Hmm. But, now it's like he has 'permission' to contact her, but he is still keeping it from me. Yes, I can read their messages and they do flirt. I just keep telling myself, well you're here, she isn't and they're only talking. Oh, and he claimed to really dislike her daughter who is now 13 and says he is concerned for her, she has autism. That he meets up with her to hear about the kid. The kid is fine, I think it's an excuse to see the mum. sigh. I don't know.

Now the ex and family are off on a holiday and he is liking their pictures and oh gawd. I don't know.

Plus, he made a stink about sex again, geez, it's like ya can't roll over in bed and hug him and he says all you want is sex. Well, yeah, once in a while would be nice. But, no I just want a damn hug! So big argument, I am now in the second bedroom which is now mine. He is happy as Larry. Talking to the ex, me in the next room. He still plans for our future retirement together. He is really in debt too because when he was with her they were so irresponsible with money and now he is paying for it. They went on all these expensive holidays, which is great, only think is all on credit. She apparently never reached into her pocket.

Anyway, there is more like we'll be looking through Netflix for a movie and I'll say how about this one, he says naw not interested. I go down tonight to get a cup of tea and he's watching it! This isn't the first time he's done that.

I wonder if he actually even likes me. Gets my rent. We have dinner together, go the pub together. Although I go to the gym and am in pretty good shape, he is getting a bigger tum all the time.

Sorry for the rant and the length. Thank you all for listening.

I think it's time for me to go.

Urmstongran Thu 16-May-19 22:59:21

Lady, I don’t think there’s any ‘think’ about it.

TwiceAsNice Thu 16-May-19 23:25:11

Just leave he sounds horrendous. What are you actually getting from this relationship? Nothing from where Im looking . You are worth more than this.

Poppyred Thu 16-May-19 23:26:02

Yep ger rid! You deserve better.

Framilode Thu 16-May-19 23:27:20

It certainly is.

Ailsa43 Thu 16-May-19 23:36:23

I woudn't usually tell anyone to leave , but in this instance you need to pack up and go..this man is not for you. Don't walk, run .. and run a long way. Get out while you're still young enough to make a new life... you deserve a whole lot better than this!!

Namsnanny Thu 16-May-19 23:47:49

Sorry you're in this situation.
I think you know what you want to do. and along with everyone else I think you should act sooner rather than later.

He's done the classic reel you in with good behaviour and now he thinks he can manipulate you to allow him to do as he wants when he wants.

Don't say your going to leave and let him manipulate you into staying.

Put your running shoes on, because he wont be as nice to you as he was in the beginning ever again.

Best of luckshamrock

rosecarmel Thu 16-May-19 23:47:53

Gets my rent..

Dinner and pub ..

Well .. has the living situation provided you with the opportunity to save?

Does he have access to your money?

And is it possible, to some teenie, tiny degree, that the circumstance is a scam? Like .. is he taking advantage of your good nature?

cas58 Fri 17-May-19 00:02:37

You're right, you're all completely right. I sold everything to come here too. I often think he's scamming me but I don't have money. I don't have anything. I pay him cheap rent. But, I'm two weeks into a new job, and I have to make sure the job sticks. I figure I can be out by August at the latest. In the meantime we'll go cycling, walking all the stuff that attracted me to him in the first place, but underneath I continuously simmer. Hitting the gym and pool helps me get rid of any angst I'm feeling. Thank you all, thank you all very much. x

Coolgran65 Fri 17-May-19 00:18:34

Gather up a few ££ for flat rental and have your coat ready. Good luck

Namsnanny Fri 17-May-19 00:38:00

Its your choice, but sooner is better.

jeanie99 Fri 17-May-19 01:01:56

You don't have a relationship with this person. You are house sharing with this man. His happiness is with the ex.
The decision is yours.

Joyfulnanna Fri 17-May-19 01:15:30

Dear Cas, this is an awful situation for you to be in. He sounds like he is very insecure about sex, needing viagra must make him feel less of a man. You came into his life and he probably had some loving feelings for you bit deep down, in his head he still has strong feelings for his ex. This will marr your relationship and make you unhappy and resentful. It's good you've got your fitness to fall back on and it's a good distraction for now. In an ideal world it would be fair to ask him to help you with a deposit on a new place to live. Maybe agree to be friends and get together for cycling, pub etc. Then rebuild your confidence, because this must have affected you deeply and you need time to heal before you get into a new relationship.

cas58 Fri 17-May-19 06:00:41

He actually referred to me as his 'lodger' to her. I'm pretty much out of words.

crystaltipps Fri 17-May-19 06:13:57

Pack up and go and take your rent money elsewhere.

rosecarmel Fri 17-May-19 06:28:02

Whatever his hang-up is, it isn't yours- There's no longer a healthy level of trust, enough to leave yourself open and be vulnerable- Keeping it civil, on the surface and sexless will work- He reeled you in then kept you at arms length, which to me is sending a clear message- When you feel secure enough financially, you can fly the coop-

Ginny42 Fri 17-May-19 06:47:16

Do you have family you could appeal to in the interim till you find a place to rent? Feeling deceived is a difficult emotion to deal with, but you know deep down this is never going to get better. It's time to make that move. Please love yourself enough to get out of this relationship. You are worth so much more than this sham.

fizzers Fri 17-May-19 06:49:52

I also think it's time to go, and I think you realise that also, as soon as you are able , get out of there and don't look back, leave him to his ex

Happychops Fri 17-May-19 18:18:02

Looks like he's treating you like the lodger. Squirrel away everything you can from work and use it for rent for a new place, as to me it looks like he is using you to help him pay his way. You deserve more. Find your own place ASAP and leave him to speak with his ex. I hope you can do this soon, don’t tell him just save and go.

Telly Fri 17-May-19 19:14:08

It is very odd, but as has been said there does not seem to be much of relationship going on here, more a friendship. I would save as much as you can, relax as much as you can, and stick with your exit plan. Sometimes things don't work out, but you did give it a go. Nothing ventured as they say.

Alexa Fri 17-May-19 21:51:58

He seems to want your companionship but you want a sexual relationship too. I do feel sorry for a man who feels he has to take viagra. I bet he doesn't want sex with his former wife either, or with anyone else. Maybe his former wife is good company because she doesn't expect sex. Flirting is not sex.

Whatever you decide make sure that your money is securely yours!

Alexa Fri 17-May-19 21:55:37

PS is his " bigger tum" a sign of something seriously wrong with his health?

Starlady Sat 18-May-19 04:24:40

"I think it's time for me to go."


Starlady Sat 18-May-19 04:31:58

If it were just a matter of his being more into the hobbies you two share than into sex and physical intimacy, I might say, think it over. I might suggest he's sensitive about his loss of libido and need to take Viagra.

But he still seems hung up on his X and that's not good for you. And he told her you were his "lodger?" Yes, it's time to go. If it can't be till August, then, ok, August. But IMO, sooner would be better.

And who knows? Maybe if you do, he'll realize what he has given up and change his attitude (don't hold your breath though).

Alexa Sat 18-May-19 10:19:23

Maybe he said "lodger" to better explain his financial arrangement with you. That would be harmless enough surely? Financially you are his lodger which seems a sensible arrangement.

I had a similar arrangement with a man who financially was my lodger (or paying guest) until he died and who before and after he He stopped the lover role when he no longer wanted it. Taking care of yourself, cas58, need not imply doing anything rash regarding the relationship.

I urge you to take a step back from your expectations. You wonder if he is exploiting your good nature and I do understand how you think this might be so. So far I see no confirmation that this is so. You can be prudent and at the same time preserve a relationship perhaps a different sort of relationship.

Men are notorious for not being able to explain their feelings. His taking viagra may indicate that he wants to please you.