Sad with realisation. Where do I go from here?

Just wanted to pop by and firstly say Thankyou to all of you for reaching out to me and Secondly to update.

Things are much the same but I feel stronger and more able to cope. Having shared with you all less alone I suppose.

I’ve made a decision - I’m giving myself eight months to process where I stand with my relationship (less would fall right on Christmas and I think that’s not a good idea). I don’t ferl I’ve got any more processing with my grief for my daughter. It is what it is. So many unanswered questions run parallel with suicide I do t expect how I felt will ever make peace with her ‘goneness’.

I can see husband may be depressed and work stressmaybe a recent trigger but he refuses to include me with whatever is troubling him no matter how I approach it. So I have no choice but to carry on regardless.

I’m calmer as this week has moved on and panicking less about how I would cope if he weren’t around. I’ve worked out how much universal credit I’d have (not much) to supplement my single income. So I feel a bit more in control. All in all I think a life without him I’d be much poorer but less stressed. What is better? Ironic since it’s only been recent months we are finally in a stable financial position after years of struggling. Maybe this is all I’m destined for - financial disadvantage - oh well.

8 months is my time plan. Then I owe it to our youngest and myself to make a decision. I think that’s what scares me I’ve never made a good decision menwise and have always ended up being screwed over. Never again would I bother!

Dear Happyally 55,Bless you for reaching out for support from this group, I do really feel for you.I think that for the time being you would benefit from focusing on yourself rather than your spouse. You sound like a very strong person after all that you have been through, but I would say there is still work to be done to resolve your grief issues. I wonder whether your GP surgery has a counselling service, or maybe whether you could access counselling and perhaps a support group with Cruse. Although antidepressants can be very helpful to get you over the extreme pain of loss, at some point there is the need to properly process what has happened. I feel as if you are carrying an immense burden at the moment and have a need to have some space for your own healing. Then hopefully you could be clearer about what to do about your other problems. I feel very optimistic for you that with help and support you can come through this difficult time and send you my best wishes xx

I feel for you, happyally. My husband did the same thing, for years. He was bad tempered and uncommunicative. Then one day he just walked out on me and our child, who was at an emotionally vulnerable age. He gave no reason. My greatest regret was that I did not leave him, years before, rather than wasting all those years being miserable and feeling I had done something wrong. I hope things get better for you soon. x

Have you tried ignoring him? Sit in front of the TV and not allow any interruptions. Set the programme save - epg - to as many programmes as the TV will save and be determined that you are not going to move for anything. If you have a tv in the bedroom, so much the better. Go to bed and watch tv. It is actually better for your knees as well to rest them. I suffered from GBS (a neurological disease like MS) and after my husband passed 10 years ago I discovered I could dress and undress myself more easily on the bed, especially putting shoes on, and it I sat on the bed with my legs outstretched my hips did not lock when I stood up. When I sit in a chair I am bent double for a few minutes when I get up.

You might find yourself in a nice comfortable position, with a cup of tea or something stronger and a happy contented smile as you watch the programme (even if you don't like it) and who knows, after a week or two he might start thinking about you instead of himself.

Ignore him. He is not your responsibility. It is hoped that eventually it will dawn on him that you do not need him any more and he might resent that enough to come out of himself.

Is he really working all those hours or is he just saying that? Does he tell you what his salary - or hourly rate - is?

There are new freeview channels if you have a smart tv which play music from 1950 to the 1990's and they are just wonderful for reminiscing, and you can do that on your own very well. In that environment you are your own boss. Don't get up to get him tea or anything. Tale a flask or keep a tea tray upstairs.

If you cannot sleep, at 12 midnight TWR Radio (733 on my smart tv) reads the Bible until 5am. When they have finished, they start again, in an everlasting fashion and someone reading to you can be wonderful. You do not have to be religious to enjoy listening to the Bible. It is a history of the first people we have information about and it is surprising just how interesting it is.

I feel very sad for you. This is unreasonable behaviour. Is it possible that he has done something wrong and is turning whatever it is to you to blame? Is he planning to leave and is working out and storing up reasons to blame you? You need a friend.

Perhaps there is something wrong with his health - or he thinks there is - and he cannot work out how to tell you.

Your job sounds crippling. Stop doing that and find something else. The country is desperately short of people to help in the home and you would not be expected to clean up after a lot of messy children. You can join an agency, but they only pay minimum wage and charge the client £20-£25 an hour. Someone who has worked in a school as a cleaner would be more than suitable for helping the elderly stay out of hospital, even if they only needed a few hours a week. You can advertise in shop windows for a position and see how many clamour for your help. That will give you an idea of how many hours you will need to do, then if it suits, leave the school cleaning job to a younger person. You have done your stint.

Lots of good advice and support here - hope some of it will make a difference to you soon. Little treats good thinking - also, might you be able to grab a couple of hours to yourself every week to do something you would enjoy alongside other people who have similar interests? It won't solve the problems but it might help you cope better with the stress.

Goodness me - when I read your DH was doing a 65-hour week I wasn't really that surprised to read about his behaviour. That is like doing 2 jobs and, you don't say how old he is, but he obviously isn't young. If there was any way to change his job I wouldn't mind betting things would take a turn for the better.

Feel so sorry for you and your husband. Perhaps your dog is coming to the end of his life and it would be kind to think about saying goodbye to him. It's terribly sad but we did this for our cat. He was making messes around the house and it was a source of stress for us both.
Yes, perhaps you can find some sort of better job. And don't think that your husband it grumpy because of you. He sounds very overloaded at work. As my OH says, we are in this together. Buy a little treat. New lipstick or something. It helps me.

Some good messages for you here Happyalley55. Hope things work out for you. And remember to keep a close eye on your dog in case your husband decides to have a go at him. Unfortunately a family pet can often be at the receiving end - easier to vent on a dog than a human.

... be careful ... my ex went through a 'difficult phase' and then blamed our divorce on me! never saw it coming ..never understood at the time .. won't go into detail because hopefully yours is different ... I truly hope so - dry your tears .. and believe in yourself. xx

Many messages of support for you here happyally55.
I hope that sharing this has helped a little.
For several years I struggled with similar issues with my
husband, tried counselling, support from GP etc etc.
I became so depressed and physically ill that in the end -
with the support of dear friends I found the strength to
distance myself from him. We still live together until we
can sell up and go our separate ways.
I don’t know how he feels as he will not talk about it, in fact
we hardly speak. Long story....
Please stay strong and seek help when you need it. We only have one life, and you are the most important person in
your life. Good wishes ???

Hi Happyally55, and if you are new to Gransnet, welcome. Bravo for posting as it is never easy to share when you feel overloaded with problems, people are treating you pretty shabbily and life is treating you badly. There's not much I can add that others have not already covered but I didn't want to read your post and run, as such - it deserves a response. I can tell how upset you are by the typos as your post looks exactly like things I have typed when I've felt as though my heart was literally breaking.

I agree you should go back to the doctors (request to see a different doctor if the surgery has someone other than your regular GP). Explain to them that you are aware that you could probably do with losing a little weight, but that if you were to have better/stronger anti-depressants to help cope with your emotions and better/stronger painkillers to manage your pain, then you would be in a better position to look at other health issues such as your weight. Tell them you hope the anti-depressants would be temporary and the painkillers long-term (as it is unlikely your arthritis will get any better). If the surgery provide 'alternative therapies' ask if there is any possibility of aromatherapy or massage sessions - they may help pain and feel nice as well as giving you the 30-60 minutes of 'time out'. Have you tried essential oils on your painful bits?

As for the dog, would your 15-year-old help out with, for example, lunchtime or before and/or after school walks? We have a couple of friends that like dogs but for one reason or another cannot have one of their own and they 'borrow' dogs to take them for walks - maybe someone near you would appreciate having a dog to interact with and take for walks - to 'borrow' doggy company - even better if they could do a daily walk in between the times you walk. If it is an older dog he may be happy even with a shorter walk, just to enough to do his/her business and stretch legs etc so the volunteer dog walker would not be signing up to walk for miles as such. Might be worth trying social media, your local paper or somewhere like the PDSA. Another avenue you might look into is that people who have sadly lost their own dog may miss the walks as well as their beloved pet, so this may be a way for them to heal a little as well as help a fellow dog owner/lover, and, of course, the dog.

I hope your husband will also seek any help he needs and book to see the doctor if only to have a check up and put both your minds to rest.

You have had some tough cards to deal with in this life and a lot of heavy grief to bear so it is hardly surprising that things may weigh heavily on both you and your husband. Your daughter may be trying to cope with teenage angst while feeling at a loss with how she can help with the problems both parents are experiencing - she is old enough to be aware of more than she may have let on.

Lastly, there is nothing selfish about your posts - you are upset and depressed and concerned about yourself and your family - you are worrying for at least 4 (you, hubby, daughter & dog) so please dismiss the though that there is any selfishness here. Gransnet can be a good outlet and feedback or advice is usually good and normally positive, so please feel free to post, to update, to continue dialogue or ask for more help - we can be a supportive forum if nothing else. Good luck and I hope life improves for you soon - best wishes

Oh dear I so feel for you
You both need to see a doc as soon as you are able to get an appointment if you ve been on low dose anti depressant for years and they are not working they are not going to and worthless taking them you need to get them changed and hopefully be offered some counselling along with it and a better kind of pain relief
If your husband is working 63 hours a week no wonder he’s grumpy that’s a silly amount and will hugely tell on his mental and physical health without the addition of the operation that was bigger than expected
Would your 15 year old share the dog walking for pocket money
I started feeling so sad for you with an awful husband but now you have expanded the story I see you are both down a dark tunnel unable to find the way out and him just as much a victim as you So you have to work together if he won’t talk put it down in a heartfelt letter NO blame just how you love him and want to work together to find a happier way of living
Although it’s not what you want I wouldn’t change your job at the moment as there are other more important things to work out and too many changes at once aren’t good for you mental health
If your husband won’t go to the doctor you go and talk about him as part of your appointment because it’s all intertwined isn’t it
Keep coming back on here we will all support in what ever way we can
Xx

As Davida1968 has suggested maybe your DH needs a 'routine check up' with the doctor if he won't go of his own volition. Men can be very reluctant to ask for help or admit that they aren't coping. Meanwhile you need to be kind to yourself. You have been through so much so it's no wonder you are struggling. If you are able to share some of your concerns with your daughter without burdening her that may help, depending how close you are. My daughter was a great support to me when I was going through separation and ultimately divorce from her dad. Hopefully it won't come to that for you, but you can support each other until things improve for you all.

happyally55. Hello and welcome.
You are NOT selfish. You are a lady with a problem which needs GN heads to get together and give you advice. The very best way to solve a problem is to do what you are doing - recognise it and research solutions. So well done - you are on the path to help and answers. If you could maybe see a different doctor at the surgery, would that help? You can ask for a double consultation from the receptionist explaining that you have complex problems. Write a list of the key issues and also tell the doctor that you think your DH may have post op issues and you hope that he might be called in for a checkup.
Re the dog, I know how expensive vets are, so could you go to the PSDA and see if the dog needs some help which they provide cheaply or free (another GN might advise here?
Is your DH working long hours because of his special experience, is it for the overtime, or should the boss be recruiting a part timer to help him? Just ideas to kickstart discussion.
Most of all, you are clearly at the end of your tether. If you could have some incentives to break up the misery, very small ones that are achievable, such as an evening walking in a nice park, coffee with a neighbour or friend, (or your daughter), watching a good film as reward/incentive? I can also recommend knitting or cross stitch as a great option to keep your hand out of the sweetie bag or crisp packet.
You are a brave lady, still grieving after 10 years and maybe put that on your list for the doctor. Please come back here and tell us how things are, especially if you need support. Several GNs have benefitted from continued support then down the line others benefit from their experiences in turn. Always feel you can come back for more support. ?

This reminds me of when my DH first started suffering from depression. After many heartbreaking months he was diagnosed with Bi=Polar.
If he will not see a doctor ( & he probably won't as he will think there is nothing wrong with him) I suggest you see your doctor & see if he can help in any way.
I do feel for you.

Would you feel confident to go back to something office based now? Maybe clerical if not secretarial? The cleaning is obviously not good for you physically. What about something like supermarket checkout or shelf-filler if not clerical? Or customer service?

I think others gave good advice about seeing your GP again and not being scared of being told off. It is sad about the dog. We've got one who is ageing too and he wet the dog bed yesterday for the first time . You love them and then see them losing abilities and it is sad.

I am sad things are so difficult for you now and hope they can improve. It does sound as if you have been strong for the last years, you and your husband, to have shared all these things. xxx

"Just feel so lonely, unloved and washed up."

Hugs!

I hope the support here helps to ease the loneliness somewhat. I also hope you do some socializing w/ friends or relatives on your own. That won't make up for hubby's silence and moodiness, of course, but it may help a little.

You're definitely NOT unloved! Hubby may not be showing it right now, but I'm sure he still loves you as much as ever. Even if he doesn't, DD does. And so does the dog, surely, in his/her way.

You're definitely NOT "washed up" either! DD needs you. Maybe not in the same way she did when she was little, but in the ways that most teenage girls need their mum. Hubby needs you, too, IMO, but, unfortunately, he seems to be resisting that fact, maybe b/c, as a PP said, he wants to appear "strong." But please don't let his coldness make you forget how much DD needs you, especially since her dad is acting this way. If anyone needs to be strong, it's you, for her sake, as well as your own.

All reasons to seek further help, of course. If your doctors are rude to you, perhaps you need to change doctors. But please don't give up on getting help.

First of all, get yourself to the doctor. If you are not feeling well yourself, it makes everything else 3x harder to cope with. You also need to speak to your employer after you have seen the doc and explain that you are having problems and hopefully they will be able to see a way to get round it - by law they have to provide equipment that will enable you to do your job properly, but maybe in the meantime have a look round to see if there are alternative jobs - you may well be surprised to learn what you can do! A chat with a careers advisor from the National Careers Service will help plan the future.
Now for your husband - he either doesn't know or doesn't want to know how much he is hurting you. The first thought is always either his health or problems at work and men are notorious for not sharing on either!
Tell him straight that you are fed up with his moods and his attitude to your daughter and that you will be booking an appointment with his doctor if he doesn't do it first! He'll accuse you of being a nag,if he doesn't, book the appointment and even take him there and go on from there.

I've mentioned this elsewhere (another GN first raised the idea, on another thread) but if your DH won't go to his GP, might it be worth you confiding in the surgery about your concerns, and asking the surgery to call in DH for a "routine" check-up? I understand that this has proved to be helpful (to some people) for getting their DH to "open up" to their GP, when there are issues of depression, etc.

The only suggestion I can think of is to tell him you are there when he's ready to speak and that is behaviour is making you sad but you are going to leave him be till he is ready. Then try and give him some space to work on it. Can you visit friends or dig out a hobby to keep yourself occupied? I think sometimes the more we ask the more they back off. Also, just like you can hear his silence, he can probably feel your impatience (maybe that's not the right word but will probably feel like it to him).
Hugs. x

Your DH may well have reached his capacity for stress. You have both been through more than even the strongest can cope with. Perhaps ine one more thing has just made him more or less close down from interaction with you. You need to seek help for yourself, a low dose a antidepressant may no longer be effective, perhaps a small increase would boost you and help with situation. Your DH also needs some help but how you get him to acknowledge this will be hard. Does your daughter see what's going on, how he is behaving? Would he listen if both of you told him your concerns? Sorry about the dog but there is a big gap between toilet breaks for an old dog. Your finances may not be good enough but could you hire or get someone to take the dog out midday. Your situation must be dragging you down, don't give up though, there has to be a reason your DH is behaving how he is.

Dear Happyally55, What can I say or do that takes a bit of your pain away except that I do care like so many others here and so many that have read your post and haven't said anything because your pain's too enormous for us to even say we've read it. I am one of them but we do care. I feel so helpless to even think I'm in a position to be of any help to you. I read your post last night and I've been thinking of you, both of your daughters, your husband and your parents. This morning, I've been searching for organisations that could be of some help to you and your family and out of all of the ones I looked at the following one seemed the best to me:-

www.achildofmine.org.uk/National-Support-Organisations/I7.htm

I hope others can direct you to the ones that may prove more appropriate particularly your surgery that in my view should have been there for you and your family and offered a family treatment as well as the individual ones for as long as it took.

I found a lot of pain relief when I started actively helping the organisations/charities that helped the causes that I felt very strongly about. You are a secretary by profession and I'm sure excellent at it once you get your confidence back again bit by bit and your skills and background are very valuable to such organisations who'd enrich themselves by employing you. I found a similar thing for myself which has so far has kept the candle of those I loved and lost or still living alight. This way, I remember them and keep them with me. I wish at those times, I was aware of mums net and grans net though! I would've posted my pains too, as you have and got all the good advice above. Please do keep in touch about your progress. It may be long and slow but patience, and lots of it, may be the key! xx

Hello Happyally.
So sorry to hear what is going on in your life at present.
On reading your post again I feel that maybe your husband is having some kind emotional/psuchological trauma that needs adressing pronto.
Have you suggested that he visits his GP which could be the first port of call.
You have my sympathies. My father behaved like that for most of my early life so I can understand how painful it must be for you.
I do hope that you have a satisfactory outcome whatever decisions you make. Carole.

Your explanation changes everything and it sounds as though your husband has shared some information about his job. The new data protection laws have created a headache for many, especially small firms - and Brexit, if it happens, will cause more.

Now might be a good time for your husband to ask for a raise, it sounds as though he is indispensable. If the answer is no, perhaps he should quietly start looking for another job.
Have you been able to have a holiday? He is entitled by law to take leave, perhaps it would help - even just a caravan for a week?