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Sad with realisation. Where do I go from here?

(44 Posts)
Happyally55 Sat 25-May-19 11:21:29

Sat in the sunshine at a car boot sale lol tears silently slipping down my face as I distract with a coffee. My husband of 15yrs (2nd husband) (been together 19yrs) is treating me like a stranger. Lots of back story. Don’t know where to start. He seems to have issues at work and maybe his health (I don’t nniw as he won’t talk to me I’m just trying g yo piece stuff together) but deflects then on me so much so that he has made me feel unloved, irrelevant and desperately sad. I’ve tried to initiate conversations about anything but he refuses to engage. He says there is nothing wring but clearly there is. How can u fix anything when I dont know what’s broken. I’ve put up with a lot of sulky moods over the years and always dlwTs end up apologising for something I’ve not even done just to put it right. He seems to be in a mood with our dog and our daughter together (age 15)

I’m overthinking king e erythropoietin g of course but I can’t bear the silence of his mood.

Breaking my heart.

Not feeling well myself, I work as a school cleaner which is taking its toll on my arthritis in my knees which Has brought me to tears lately. So sore and debilitating. I need sone comfort but am getting nothing I swear if I stood crying naked he would ignore me when I just need him to put his arms around me. He doesn’t seem able to.

Skbekbe tell me it’s going to be ok, I’m goi g to be ok. Or give me a kick up the bum.

GracesGranMK3 Sat 25-May-19 11:30:02

You have reached a very lonely point but you need to move on for your own sake; one step at a time though.

Can you, when you have some privacy, work out what your financial situation would be if you were to be on your own? That has to be step 1. You don't have to make any decisions at this point, just begin to work out the options.

Do let us know when you have managed to do that.

gt66 Sat 25-May-19 12:19:09

So sorry to hear of your problems. The only advice I can give (based on my own experiences) is not to become morose and clingy. Try to stay as normal and bright as possibe and appear unbothered by his coldness, at the same time try to do your own thing. He's obviously going through some kind of crisis (midlife)? but it's unfair of him to take it out on you by sidelining you.

gt66 Sat 25-May-19 12:21:40

Keep your self respect

starbird Sat 25-May-19 12:32:07

You need to sort this out if not for your own sake then for your daughter’s. I suggest that the first thing you do is go to the doctor for help, apart from anything else, a mild sedative might help you to cope.
Your husband is possibly suffering from depression on top of his other problems, but from the sound of it, and like many other men, is unlikely to admit it. Anything else is just guesswork, possibly there is talk of redundancies at work, perhaps he has a lady friend either attracted to or actually having an affair with. Do you have a mutual friend you could trust to speak to him to find out what is going on and/or act as a go between?
If not, perhaps try writing him a letter telling him how sad and lonely you are, that you would like to share his life and problems, perhaps suggest that you both go to a counsellor,
say that while you would like to live with him as a husband, and best friend, sharing troubles as well as good times, if he is going to continue to shut you out, then you think you will be better off alone rather than living with a stranger. Having a 15 year old daughter can be hard for a man - no longer a child who can sit on his lap and be his little girl, but on the border of (if not already) a woman having sex and loving another man.
Sometimes it helps to go out for a drive in the dark (eg a visit to a friend, pub, or dinner) just the two of you.
Do you think he would open up if your daughter stayed over with someone and the two of you had a meal and wine together?
Don’t rush into anything, it may be that you would be happier ( but poorer) if you split up but your daughter is at a vulnerable age and your husband may be going through a difficult time that will pass eventually. . You can promise yourself that if nothing changes you will leave him ( or kick him out) in say, a year’s time (or two), meanwhile you can plan your escape route. You may find that just accepting this as a possible outcome lifts the weight off your shoulders - knowing that you can leave gives you the strength to stay - at least in the short term! on the other hand perhaps he wants to leave but is staying for the sake of your daughter (plus it would cost him a lot to support her until she is 18).
Please try to find a way to communicate - even if it means turning off the tv one night and reading out to him what you want to say.

Sara65 Sat 25-May-19 12:36:22

He may be going through a dreadful time, and in his own stupid male way, thinks he’s being kind keeping it from you, if only he would realise that what he’s putting you through is so much worse

Starlady Sat 25-May-19 12:37:00

Oh, Happyally, I am so deeply sorry! Hugs

IDK if things are going to be "ok" for you and DH as a couple or not, but I am confident things will be ok for you, eventually.

First, can you afford to stop working or cut back on your hours. The physical pain can't possibly be helping the situation. Are you seeing a doctor/taking medication for your arthritis? If not, maybe it's time to start.

Second, please stop trying w/ DH. Don't try to initiate anymore conversations, and don't apologize for things you didn't do. I don't blame you for doing those things in the past. In fact, I commend you for making this effort. But it's not helping, so now, IMO, it's time to stop. Go about your business and only speak to DH when it's absolutely necessary (as in, "Please pass the bread" - and even that, only if you can't reach it easily yourself). Let him feel the difference. Maybe it will get his attention, but even if not, at least, you won't be wasting your energy on useless efforts.

Beyond that, I agree with GracesGran, you need to start thinking about moving on/looking at your options. It may hurt to face this reality, but it will, very likely, lead to a happier life for you. Again, if/when you get to the point that you're actually going to end your marriage, DH may suddenly start paying attention and try to work things out (you may have lost interest by then, of course). But if you end up divorced, you will be gaining a new life, new beginnings - and peace of mind - for yourself.

sodapop Sat 25-May-19 12:43:10

Oh Happyally what a sad post. Sounds like you need to get some help for yourself before tackling your marital problems. Do go and see your GP you sound quite low and could benefit from medical advice. Is it possible for you to have a few days holiday with your daughter to get yourself together ? I would take time out to consider how you want to move forward with your husband then when you are clear in your own head sit down and tell him how you feel. I hope things get better for you.

Starlady Sat 25-May-19 12:46:50

Also, you don't say, but do you suspect your H of cheating? If so, all the more reason to look into moving on. Chances are, that's not the issue, and it's his health or his work problems. Or he's suffering from depression, as some have suggested. But since he won't open up to you, he's making it impossible for you to understand or help. What does he expect you to think?

I agree w/ starbird that you shouldn't "rush into anything." But, IMO, you would do well to start thinking about leaving.

"He seems to be in a mood with our dog and our daughter together (age 15)."

I'm not sure what "in a mood" means. Teenagers can be difficult to deal with. But it may be better for DD to be away from him more, also, unless you think a divorce would upset her too much.

Have you had any counseling? It might be a good idea to help you deal w/ this crisis. A professional counselor may have some good ideas as to how to get through to your H, how to cope with this situation, and if/when to leave.

M0nica Sat 25-May-19 16:32:59

If the problem encompasses your daughter and the dog then it is clearly nothing to do with you, it is not your 'fault'. The problem lies with him.

I think the first thing you should do is go and see your doctor, you are clearly not well and are possibly depressed. Start the return to normality by looking after yourself. Perhaps some counselling will help. You can usually access this for free through the surgery.

Talk to your daughter. See how she feels and how she sees the problem with her father. She may have insights that are currently eluding you.

Then talk (or write) to your husband. Spell out that you are well aware that he is going through some crisis, at home at work or within himself that he doesn't currently want to discuss with you, Tell him when he wants to talk you are willing to do so, but that in the interim you will just continue as normal. And then ignore all his moods and live life as if he was in a reasonable mood.

Personally, I think he sounds depressed and, like you, needs to see a doctor.

Tedber Sat 25-May-19 17:18:37

Hi...lots of good advice given already - most of which I agree with.

You need to look after YOU (and your daughter and dog). Whatever is wrong is not going to be fixed by you getting ill so do take care of yourself and start making plans. By this I don't mean about leaving your husband particularly but by being more independent and less clingy perhaps? Also agree, try to change your job if possible. Find other interests.

Non of us know if your husband is ill, depressed, having an EMA. We don't know how long this has been going on and if it was a sudden change in character. You could try bluntly asking him "Do you want a divorce?" It might just startle him into opening up a bit more - but then again you may have to be prepared for an answer you don't want?

So sorry for you but one thing is crystal, you cannot carry on like this. Take care

BlueBelle Sat 25-May-19 18:16:35

Such a sad sad post and you sound at the end of your tether
Lots of good advice already Start with yourself reach out for some help
One clue is you speak of his bad moods over the years it does sound as if it’s always be there just worse at the he a good father how does he act with your daughter ?
How good is it for a 15 year old to be in the situation of having a sad depressed at the end of her tether Mum and an angry sulking non communicating Dad this is not good I don’t think you can leave it any longer You felt desperate enough to write this post I think you must now be desperate enough to reach out for some professional help
Please look after yourself

Avor2 Sat 25-May-19 20:51:18

All good suggestions above. I had similar with my second husband, he went through a dreadful time, hating work, everything seemed to be going against him, I dreaded him coming home because I never knew how he would be, took it out on me and son to the point of me deciding to leave, I loved him but didn't need to put up with all the moods

I decided to stop fussing around asking what was wrong all the time, and as has been suggested above, just carried on with my life only conversing when necessary. It did have a certain amount of affect, probably wandered why I wasn't fussing so much, who knows?

Then he had a heart attack and the doctors found out he had a brain imbalance which was causing his depression it took quite a while to get the correct medication, but once he did goodness how he changed, so much better.

Hopefully your DH decides to see a GP he may only need medication for a while, he may be in a dip and the medication just helps you out of that dip so you can get on with your life.

My second husband is still my husband, we got through the worst of times and are still together after 32 years. You never know it may only take a pill.

I wish you luck, get yourself sorted out first and go from there, if you feel bad you won't be able to cope with any of this, take your daughter away if you can for a girly weekend that will make you both feel better. Please take care of yourself and hopefully things will fall into place for you.

Happyally55 Sat 25-May-19 20:53:48

I’m so thankful to you all for reaching out to my selfish cry for help. I’ve reread my original post and see it littered with typos so I’m sorry about that. I couldn’t type properly through tears and sunlight.

My husband and I have been through so much the years we’ve been together (my daughter from my first marriage and step daughter to my now husband) passed away when she was just 20 (10 yrs ago this summer) we survived this. We’ve faced job losses, having to sell our home to try fund help for my daughter (but we lost her anyway) years in poor rented accommodation, raising two other daughters (one step and one our own), the passing of both my parents two years ago just six weeks apart and most recently his recovery from an operation what should have been routine but wasnt so I’ve always been adamant we are stronger together.

Hubby isn’t good at verbalising his feelings which leads in turn to my isolation and many many times I’ve ridden the storm to re-emerge emotionally exhausted. I just don’t think I can do it any more.

I chose school cleaning as lost My confidence, stamina and focus after my daughter died and felt i couldn’t return to secretarial where I needed to be On the ball. School Cleaning can be quite isolating and boring though but I’m left to it. I dont think I could ever go back to being useful to society in the way I once was. I’m just not the same person anymore. I’m struggling with arthritis now and am currently on painkillers from GP which don’t really cut it but I’m afraid to return because I just get lectured about my weight (could do with losing 3 stone). I’m also on a low dose anti depressant & have been for a number of years (grief).

I think hubby’s issues with work are because he works for a small outfit and pretty much covers every role on little more than minimum wage and works 65 hrs a week minimum inc overtime. There are issues at the moment with compliance and EU directives which is a huge headache and has fallen on his shoulders whilst the owner of the business builds his empire and enjoys the financial spoils.

Hubby is ‘in a mood’ With the dog as he is having poo accidents with age (the dog not hubby lol) We moved here last December and dog no longer has 24/7 access to cat flap and a garden as we don’t have one here so his toileting has to be when I walk him. First thing after shift 1 (8.30am) then a second walk after shift 2 (6pm ish) I’ve also bought a washable nappy off amazon hoping to God it works.

Just feel so lonely, unloved and washed up.

Jomarie Sat 25-May-19 22:34:08

I'm not a bit surprised to read that you're feeling pretty shitty - you've had a belly full for the past few years so I'd be more worried if you were chirpy and happy!!
Best get yourself back to the doctors and let him know what you're currently dealing with and ask for an upgrade of your anti-depressants - short term only. Hard as this may seem - I believe from your post that you have inner strength and this needs to be utilised now for all of you. In the words of yesteryear "gird your loins" and come out fighting - fighting for your family, your husband, and more importantly, for yourself. Women are amazingly strong when push comes to shove and - you can push back if you want to - look at the alternative - go under or rise up ie take control !!! dragon

Starlady Sun 26-May-19 04:21:41

You and hubby have been through a lot, Happyally. I am so deeply sorry - especially about the loss of your ODD (older dear daughter). My heart goes out to you!

Also, I'm sorry to hear about your depression and loss of confidence. I agree w/ Jomarie that you need to go back to your doctors and seek further help. I know you don't want to b/c they might comment on your weight. But surely, you can brush that off and focus on treatment for your other problems.

"...most recently his recovery from an operation what should have been routine but wasnt... "

I'm so sorry this happened to hubby. Perhaps it's connected to his current attitude? He may be "down" due to chemical and psychological (Why me?) reactions to his operation. You say he isn't good at verbalizing his feelings, and these negative emotions may be making that even harder for him.

But knowing that, doesn't help you. I hope you seek some counseling for yourself soon. DD might want it, too, if you suggest it to her.

BradfordLass72 Sun 26-May-19 08:16:23

Oh my dear, what an awful few years you've had.

The UK has a code of practice in healthcare which says all patients should be treated with respect so this doctor has no right (and no logical reason) to give you a hard time about your weight.

You do need to go back to your GP but go to this site first, print out the Abstract and give it to the doctor grin. You have a right to be treated with consideration and kindness whatever your body size!!

I have worked with Garner and Wooley who wrote this. It's based on a review of hundreds of weight-loss trials. All of which failed to show permanent, healthy weight loss. It was G&W who pioneered the idea that you can be healthy at any size, a concept more than proven since.

So make yourself a care plan which includes getting better pain relief, good food, as much rest as you can - and a talk with your doctor where YOU are in charge. State clearly what you want/need and write it down so you don't get flustered in the clinic.

Have a talk with your daughter, you need to support one another and give each other courage.

If you are stronger then you and your family will feel much more able to cope with whatever life flings at you.

The other things is, some cleaning agencies have teams. Would it help to register with them so you are working with a 'buddy' and not so isolated?

I do hope you feel better soon because you may feel lonely but you're definitely not unloved or washed up. You're a survivor, your past history proves that - you WILL bounce back - you just need a little help at the moment.

And asking for that help is definitely NOT selfish smile flowers

lovebeigecardigans1955 Sun 26-May-19 08:35:51

I'm so sorry. I think the difficulty with men is that they feel they need to appear 'strong' and therefore won't open up and discuss their problems. Very frustrating, isn't it?
Sometimes I think that when continuing to be reasonable hasn't helped it's time to blow a gasket - not something I'd do lightly. I hope things improve for you.

Lin1959 Sun 26-May-19 09:42:08

So sorry to hear what you are going through, it brought back the memories of what I was going through with my husband, he was also very distant and ignored me for days. I just couldn’t get through to him, I persuaded him to see a doctor and was diagnosed with bad depression, as he was disabled this made his depression worse. Everything turned around from then, he was put on various medication for his depression and had counselling andstronger medication for his disabilities, I had to give up my job to become his Carer. Fast forward 15 years and I have my husband back, he is like a completely different person mentally, although his other problems are getting worse, but this isn’t interfering with his mental health. Please try and get your husband to a doctor, maybe that will be easier said than done.

starbird Sun 26-May-19 09:43:01

Your explanation changes everything and it sounds as though your husband has shared some information about his job. The new data protection laws have created a headache for many, especially small firms - and Brexit, if it happens, will cause more.

Now might be a good time for your husband to ask for a raise, it sounds as though he is indispensable. If the answer is no, perhaps he should quietly start looking for another job.
Have you been able to have a holiday? He is entitled by law to take leave, perhaps it would help - even just a caravan for a week?

CaroleAnne Sun 26-May-19 09:45:23

Hello Happyally.
So sorry to hear what is going on in your life at present.
On reading your post again I feel that maybe your husband is having some kind emotional/psuchological trauma that needs adressing pronto.
Have you suggested that he visits his GP which could be the first port of call.
You have my sympathies. My father behaved like that for most of my early life so I can understand how painful it must be for you.
I do hope that you have a satisfactory outcome whatever decisions you make. Carole.flowersflowers

naheed Sun 26-May-19 10:27:14

Dear Happyally55, What can I say or do that takes a bit of your pain away except that I do care like so many others here and so many that have read your post and haven't said anything because your pain's too enormous for us to even say we've read it. I am one of them but we do care. I feel so helpless to even think I'm in a position to be of any help to you. I read your post last night and I've been thinking of you, both of your daughters, your husband and your parents. This morning, I've been searching for organisations that could be of some help to you and your family and out of all of the ones I looked at the following one seemed the best to me:-

I hope others can direct you to the ones that may prove more appropriate particularly your surgery that in my view should have been there for you and your family and offered a family treatment as well as the individual ones for as long as it took.

I found a lot of pain relief when I started actively helping the organisations/charities that helped the causes that I felt very strongly about. You are a secretary by profession and I'm sure excellent at it once you get your confidence back again bit by bit and your skills and background are very valuable to such organisations who'd enrich themselves by employing you. I found a similar thing for myself which has so far has kept the candle of those I loved and lost or still living alight. This way, I remember them and keep them with me. I wish at those times, I was aware of mums net and grans net though! I would've posted my pains too, as you have and got all the good advice above. Please do keep in touch about your progress. It may be long and slow but patience, and lots of it, may be the key! xx

4allweknow Sun 26-May-19 10:38:57

Your DH may well have reached his capacity for stress. You have both been through more than even the strongest can cope with. Perhaps ine one more thing has just made him more or less close down from interaction with you. You need to seek help for yourself, a low dose a antidepressant may no longer be effective, perhaps a small increase would boost you and help with situation. Your DH also needs some help but how you get him to acknowledge this will be hard. Does your daughter see what's going on, how he is behaving? Would he listen if both of you told him your concerns? Sorry about the dog but there is a big gap between toilet breaks for an old dog. Your finances may not be good enough but could you hire or get someone to take the dog out midday. Your situation must be dragging you down, don't give up though, there has to be a reason your DH is behaving how he is.

hugshelp Sun 26-May-19 10:40:07

The only suggestion I can think of is to tell him you are there when he's ready to speak and that is behaviour is making you sad but you are going to leave him be till he is ready. Then try and give him some space to work on it. Can you visit friends or dig out a hobby to keep yourself occupied? I think sometimes the more we ask the more they back off. Also, just like you can hear his silence, he can probably feel your impatience (maybe that's not the right word but will probably feel like it to him).
Hugs. x

Davida1968 Sun 26-May-19 11:34:22

I've mentioned this elsewhere (another GN first raised the idea, on another thread) but if your DH won't go to his GP, might it be worth you confiding in the surgery about your concerns, and asking the surgery to call in DH for a "routine" check-up? I understand that this has proved to be helpful (to some people) for getting their DH to "open up" to their GP, when there are issues of depression, etc.