Trusting again

Everyone is different of course, with a differing set of circumstances. We left South Africa and emigrated to Australia due to the worsening situation. The 5.5 years we spent in Oz were the unhappiest of our lives. Wont go into details. {PM me if you need further advice}. Awful time, and this was with pulling together under adverse circumstances.
What I am trying to say is, beware of the "grass is always greener" syndrome and think very carefully if this is what YOU want to do, never mind your OH who has been unfaithful to you.

My advice, having been married to a man who, once he started cheating, didn't stop, is to put your own needs first. Think about what YOU want. I moved from the south to the north of England as my then husband promised never to betray me again after I'd discovered yet another affair; he said he needed 'a fresh start'. A year after moving, he was up to his old tricks - this time I divorced him. I agree completely with gt66's posts (indeed, why did he keep those emails?) You deserve better. Men who behave in this way are cowards. They always blame the wife when what they should be doing is taking a long, hard look at themselves in the mirror. Almost two years on from divorce, I'm a lot happier. No cheat to drag me down. I can please myself. Recently moved into my own home and am enjoying decorating it to my taste. As for the ex, he married the woman he left me for. Heaven help her.

Might be worth seeing what your husband’s attitude would be if you were to say you were thinking of not moving to Australia with him.

Hi. Imagreatauntie, No it’s not silly to miss your Mum, I too miss my Mum, it makes me so sad.
I’m sorry your husband has been unfaithful, the same happened to me I was married for 38 years, and one day i’d had enough, I got the number of the women’s refuge, and walked out on him with just the clothes I stood up in, but in hine sight I should of packed my clothes and belongings.
I stayed with women’s refuge for 7 months they helped me get my finances sorted out and made sure I went to the bank to take my name off the joint account etc. They helped me get a flat by the sea side, and it’s the best thing I ever did, I’m now 61 have found love again and we live together in a beautiful bungalow.
Good luck, if you need any help or want to talk I’m here for you.
Love ? n ? hugs
Angeleyes58xx

Leopards don't change their spots just because they go to Australia. Sorry to be so blunt, but life on your own will be better than this torment. You will never be able to trust him. I agree with those who say leave him now (get down to the solicitor straight away, as it will be more difficult if he ups and offs to Oz). He is not worthy of your good years in your 50s and what would life in old age be like with him? I can't see him looking after you, and what would it be like to have to look after him? By the way, it's perfectly normal to miss your mum. Mine died 27 years ago and I still miss her.

To begin, I’m 68 my Mum died 23 years ago and I still miss her, so I don’t think there’s anything to worry about there. With regards to your husband, I truly empathise as I’ve been/am in a similar situation. I discovered my husband’s affair 18 years ago, at the time both of our adult children were living abroad, parents deceased and I was a wretch. It took more than a couple of years to work through and this was an extremely difficult period but I decided to make a go of the marriage because I feared being alone and like you my finances were inextricably linked to his. Roll forward 18 years, a house move to a different part of the country and for most of the time I’m pleased I made the choice I did. But, if I ever hear someone called by her name, or occasionally find notes that I wrote to myself during that time, like you I rubberband back to those awful days. I have come to believe that my husband’s unloving, snappy responses, should the subject ever arise is pure and simple guilt. Don’t blame yourself for your feelings, they are genuine and the hurt and loss of trust is/ was enormous. But, consider my opinion, his anger towards you is his guilty conscience. I’ve never had the ‘courage’ to say that to my own husband but maybe one day...... Good luck whichever decision you make. ?

Has he ever explained why he had the need to have emotional relationships with other females? To say 'just emotional" either tells you nothing or everything. Afraid I would need a full account of Why! Move to Australia- don't you feel there will be another need for these mysterious type relationships. Have you asked how he would feel if you had these kind of relationships with men? For me, he wants his cake etc etc.

Go with your gut feeling ♡

I've had close friendships with men, and my husband has always had female friends - and admirers- wherever we go. Very occasionally there may have been a sexual frisson but neither of us ever strayed in that way. I was quite tempted once but realised the chap was just very like my husband in LOTS of ways. Things have been a roller coaster for us over the years around other issues (usually moving to another area for my work) and DH has shredded me during those times but I realise that is because he has felt out of his depth. In the end it comes down to how much you and your husband like/love each other. Perhaps Australia may give you an opportunity to make a life for yourself independent of him.....

He is angry with you out of guilt. And an emotional 'affair' is more threatening that one that's only for the sex. We like to think that our partners are emotionally tied to us, not with others - apart from our children. It's giving a part of his inner self to someone else which goes deeper than having sex with them, so I completely understand how you are feeling. Personally, I wouldn't follow him to the other side of the road, let alone the world. He'll be angry, but whether or not that's borne out of sadness at losing you, or losing face amongst his colleagues, who knows?
It is possible, as so many have said, to make a life for yourself here. He is in the wrong and will be made to look after you financially. It will be so hard, we understand that, but in a way, in time, exciting too to be starting again, on your own, not having to worry about what he's up to. Let him get on with his new job in Australia, and you build a new life for You. Good luck.

Men like this don’t change. I wouldn’t move across the world for someone like him. Get some free legal advice and make anew life for yourself here. It can be done I was married much longer than you.

"I found all the emails to him and the other woman, maybe I should have deleted Immediately but I didn’t."

No, he should have deleted them. Maybe it was just an oversight on his part - or just insensitivity. But not your fault or responsibility.

"He got very angry and said it’s my fault I can’t let it go, not apologetic or sorry."

No, it's his fault that this happened. I imagine you're still hurting b/c you don't understand how he could feel that way about someone else. And that you're a little insecure b/c you have no guarantee it won't happen again. Hugs!

Move to Australia w/ him? Not like this, IMO. I'm glad you reached out to us, but you may also need to get some professional counseling to help you sort out your feelings and know what you need to do. Perhaps it's time for Relate (past time, perhaps). The two of you need to work through this, not brush it under the rug, as he seems to want to do. Hope he's willing to try.

Imagreatauntie I'm going to be harsh here. This a 'cake and eat it' man who has betrayed you repeatedly and over the years made you feel bad about yourself and lose confidence.

Then he has the cheek to get angry at you?
How dare he? He needs horsewhipping!

He doesn't deserve a loyal, forgiving wife like you smoothing his way through life - and now agreeing to go half-way around the world with him.

You are at a crossroads and have to decide whether to stay in the UK, or have the big adventure to Australia.

I'm an adventurous sort of person - gave up my old life to go to New Zealand and I've never regretted it.

I honestly believe you'll have a better life and eventual retirement than you ever could in UK (unless you are very comfortably off, which you may well be).

You can transfer your UK pension (check all this out online or with Australia House, as some rules are due to change in 2023, and any tax credits you earned when working.

It is my experience from many friends and a son in Australia that you will have a far higher standard of living on a UK pension in Australia than if you stayed at home.

But there are many other things to consider: climate, social life and environment, plus the location.
Do you know where you'll be living in Oz?

Give yourself a couple of years to settle and get used to a new land - then leave that philandering rat and strike out on your own with a new set of friends and new confidence. You deserve it after what he's put your through - and may again. Leopards and spots spring to mind.

Australians are friendly and helpful, non-class-conscious, laid back ....and there's always plenty of sunshine :-)

If I were you, I'd take that chance of a lifetime.

He’s broken trust and hurt u and showed no remorse. mine done me a favour set me free kids grown up they have own life u deserve yours. don’t worry about money I’ve just got half no problem just be aware if u have joint acct he cd drain acct like my friends husband did. We have all been married a long time but we don’t have to stay unhappy we have choices now unlike our mothers had. I miss my dad every day and cry when all this happened in my marriage but everything seems to be going wrong for him now and my life better than ever. maybe karma lol
And my ex has suddenly found god very strange I wonder if he has the start of dementia as he has very bad tempers and mood swings and severe memory problems . I wish u well and hope u can be brave and leave him

I met lovely man but I’m not interested in relationship at the moment just enjoying his company. he said thought u were going on a tryst lol as u look so nice. Don’t be a doormat he like my husband had no empathy of how hurt you were I’m divorcing him now I’ve had a taste of freedom and what a relief to be free. I was bored stiff and felt like housekeeper life too short too waste on selfish b.... you will regret it and always be check up on him he will drag u down always I tried to private message u but ur not accepting them. Be brave don’t tell him just get money together and leave u will be ok keep copy’s of e mails and everything good luck

Don’t go u won’t ever trust him he will do it again no respect for you
Just ego trip for him and he comes back to safe wife and home think of yourself now courts will make sure u get half and pension too. My friend just done it happy now and met lovely man. He doesn’t like being found out and thats why he is angry. It’s happened to me too exactly same so u know what I started dress up new hair cut he said where u going to my new club I said I’m bored stay in.

Oh greatauntie I do so miss my mum to talk to and make everything ok and I'm 68. You're not pathetic. Maybe chat to a counsellor if there's no one else. That's what I do.

Well he’s angry that it’s reared it’s head again he thought it was done and dusted and forgotten and forgiven He went into complete defence mode He has wiped it out and if he’s wiped it out then it never happened (in his head)
One phone call many decades after our divorce my ex was reminiscing about the ‘good times’ I said I could never forget the bad times and being hit by him His answer ‘ I don’t remember that ever happening’ well he was the one who took me to hospital more than once but he had confidently wiped that bit out as he reinvented himself

So he’s got away with at least two affairs and I say at least because in my opinion if a man has made two ‘mistakes’ he can easily have made more, and he doesn’t like it brought back up, but you can’t erase it A broken jug can be glued together but it will always be weaker and easily broken again
I would think very long and hard as to wether you want to up and run away again however good the opportunity is, it’s a very long way away

.....and why didn't he delete those emails?

It is not pathetic at all to miss your mum. Don't be hard on yourself.

You don't sound pathetic at all greataunt, please don't think that. You are understandably upset at seeing your husband's betrayal in black and white. He is at fault, firstly for having a so called emotional 'relationship' while married to you and secondly for becoming angry because it's upset you. No sympathy or understanding for how it's affected you and expects you to just forget about it, because it makes him uncomfortable. That shows a lack of respect for you. I wonder how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot?

Sorry if that sounds hard, but I experienced something similar from my husband, a few years ago. I was devastated at his unsympathetic attitude to my obvious distress; twisting everything to being my fault and becoming angry if I challenged him on his behaviour.

You need to think long and hard if you want to stay with him, especially if you are to make a new life in Australia (presumably just the two of you). What if it happens again?

Hello. Sorry to read what's happened, but you've come to the right place for help and support. When my ex left me, I cried for my father who had been dead for more than 40 years. Parents represent security and solace in our worst moments, so I understand your need for your Mum.

He's angry because you're challenging him. He's on the defensive because he thought it was all forgotten and swept under the carpet except that doesn't work. All you get is a lump under the carpet. He's accepted the job, fabulous opportunity, BUT what's in it for you? He seems to find emotional attraction to women and your support systems won't be there in OZ if it should happen again.

A marriage of 26 years is a long one and in the UK the starting point of settlement is 50/50. There are conditions under which you can claim a higher settlement in your favour. You can also claim spousal support. It includes entitlement to a share of his pension/pensions pot. PM me if you wish to know more.

If I were you I would seek an appointment with a lawyer who offers a free consultation and just learn what you might have to start again alone. You don't have to act on it, but it would provide you with the knowledge. Knowledge is strength. If you don't have anyone to talk this over with Relate might be a good place to start, but if he's accepted the job, time may be getting tight.

Wishing you the strength to make the right decision for you. That may be packing up and going with him to Australia, but make the decision from a position of strength. Do I sound like your granny yet? I'm old enough! Massive hugs. Be brave. xx

I hate his attitude. When he asked me what was wrong tonight, I considered just saying it’s nothing to keep the peace but something made me tell him and he was horrible, I feel if he’d have just said “I’m so sorry that came up and I do love you” then I would be feeling better than I do now but his response of it basically being my fault because I’ve not deleted the messages has really hurt me.

You need to be 100% sure it's the right decision to go to Australia. And that you can trust him. Can you honestly say you are able to and completely happy with his attitude?
As CrazyH said you will be taken care of. Don't stay with someone because of finances. Be brave.
Wishing you well.

Thank you so much for your responses, he has accepted the job but with my blessing, it’s just these messages and his reaction have really frightened me again today.

Our children are in UK & Europe though they are both keen to explore the world if they have the opportunity so they could go away in time. I’m 53, my parents both died at 67 so there is nobody to make me want to live anywhere which isn’t nice. Is it pathetic to still miss your Mum at my age?!