Trusting again

I'm assuming that he's taking up the post in Australia----with you going with him ??

To be honest Imagreata.....if he said it was physical and not emotional, I would not be too concerned. But an emotional relationship is more of a threat really. That's how I feel anyway.
My husband left me. We are now divorced. I had no career either.
Don't worry about the finances....the courts will make sure that you are taken care of, depending on your age and length of marriage. Yours is a long marriage, so you will be treated favourably.
Good luck ! xx

Are your 2 adult children in this country? I would be very wary of agreeing to go to Australia unless I felt I could really trust my husband. Has the decision been made about Australia or not yet? Think carefully. Wishing you well.

I agree with crazyH - a physical affair can be "just sex" but an emotional affair involves him pouring his heart out to her. It's actually worse .

I'd pack up and leave him - let him go to Australia on his own . Don't leave your family to stay with him - he won't change.

Some good responses to your dilemma - and it is a dilemma ! Time for you to take stock and decide where you want to be ie with him or without him. I think you need some professional help here and urge you to contact Relate or similar counselling to work out what compromises you are willing to accept for the forseeable future. Maybe now is the time for you to say "no more" and stand your ground - he does rather seem to have had it all his own way so far. "Bought and paid for" is an old saying but still rings true today, sadly. Maybe "past its sell by date" is a better one for you to apply to him!! You are his comfort blanket, his emotional security perhaps - if that is what you are happy with then go ahead to Australia - enjoy another new experience - only you can decide. Good luck........

He's a guarded individual, so despite however long you've known him, you'll not ever get to know him fully- And if you can't get to know him, you can only trust him so much- Only you can decide if that's enough to continue, or not-

Thank you so much for your responses, he has accepted the job but with my blessing, it’s just these messages and his reaction have really frightened me again today.

Our children are in UK & Europe though they are both keen to explore the world if they have the opportunity so they could go away in time. I’m 53, my parents both died at 67 so there is nobody to make me want to live anywhere which isn’t nice. Is it pathetic to still miss your Mum at my age?!

You need to be 100% sure it's the right decision to go to Australia. And that you can trust him. Can you honestly say you are able to and completely happy with his attitude?
As CrazyH said you will be taken care of. Don't stay with someone because of finances. Be brave.
Wishing you well.

I hate his attitude. When he asked me what was wrong tonight, I considered just saying it’s nothing to keep the peace but something made me tell him and he was horrible, I feel if he’d have just said “I’m so sorry that came up and I do love you” then I would be feeling better than I do now but his response of it basically being my fault because I’ve not deleted the messages has really hurt me.

Hello. Sorry to read what's happened, but you've come to the right place for help and support. When my ex left me, I cried for my father who had been dead for more than 40 years. Parents represent security and solace in our worst moments, so I understand your need for your Mum.

He's angry because you're challenging him. He's on the defensive because he thought it was all forgotten and swept under the carpet except that doesn't work. All you get is a lump under the carpet. He's accepted the job, fabulous opportunity, BUT what's in it for you? He seems to find emotional attraction to women and your support systems won't be there in OZ if it should happen again.

A marriage of 26 years is a long one and in the UK the starting point of settlement is 50/50. There are conditions under which you can claim a higher settlement in your favour. You can also claim spousal support. It includes entitlement to a share of his pension/pensions pot. PM me if you wish to know more.

If I were you I would seek an appointment with a lawyer who offers a free consultation and just learn what you might have to start again alone. You don't have to act on it, but it would provide you with the knowledge. Knowledge is strength. If you don't have anyone to talk this over with Relate might be a good place to start, but if he's accepted the job, time may be getting tight.

Wishing you the strength to make the right decision for you. That may be packing up and going with him to Australia, but make the decision from a position of strength. Do I sound like your granny yet? I'm old enough! Massive hugs. Be brave. xx

You don't sound pathetic at all greataunt, please don't think that. You are understandably upset at seeing your husband's betrayal in black and white. He is at fault, firstly for having a so called emotional 'relationship' while married to you and secondly for becoming angry because it's upset you. No sympathy or understanding for how it's affected you and expects you to just forget about it, because it makes him uncomfortable. That shows a lack of respect for you. I wonder how he would feel if the boot was on the other foot?

Sorry if that sounds hard, but I experienced something similar from my husband, a few years ago. I was devastated at his unsympathetic attitude to my obvious distress; twisting everything to being my fault and becoming angry if I challenged him on his behaviour.

You need to think long and hard if you want to stay with him, especially if you are to make a new life in Australia (presumably just the two of you). What if it happens again?

It is not pathetic at all to miss your mum. Don't be hard on yourself.

.....and why didn't he delete those emails?

Well he’s angry that it’s reared it’s head again he thought it was done and dusted and forgotten and forgiven He went into complete defence mode He has wiped it out and if he’s wiped it out then it never happened (in his head)
One phone call many decades after our divorce my ex was reminiscing about the ‘good times’ I said I could never forget the bad times and being hit by him His answer ‘ I don’t remember that ever happening’ well he was the one who took me to hospital more than once but he had confidently wiped that bit out as he reinvented himself

So he’s got away with at least two affairs and I say at least because in my opinion if a man has made two ‘mistakes’ he can easily have made more, and he doesn’t like it brought back up, but you can’t erase it A broken jug can be glued together but it will always be weaker and easily broken again
I would think very long and hard as to wether you want to up and run away again however good the opportunity is, it’s a very long way away

Oh greatauntie I do so miss my mum to talk to and make everything ok and I'm 68. You're not pathetic. Maybe chat to a counsellor if there's no one else. That's what I do.

Don’t go u won’t ever trust him he will do it again no respect for you
Just ego trip for him and he comes back to safe wife and home think of yourself now courts will make sure u get half and pension too. My friend just done it happy now and met lovely man. He doesn’t like being found out and thats why he is angry. It’s happened to me too exactly same so u know what I started dress up new hair cut he said where u going to my new club I said I’m bored stay in.

I met lovely man but I’m not interested in relationship at the moment just enjoying his company. he said thought u were going on a tryst lol as u look so nice. Don’t be a doormat he like my husband had no empathy of how hurt you were I’m divorcing him now I’ve had a taste of freedom and what a relief to be free. I was bored stiff and felt like housekeeper life too short too waste on selfish b.... you will regret it and always be check up on him he will drag u down always I tried to private message u but ur not accepting them. Be brave don’t tell him just get money together and leave u will be ok keep copy’s of e mails and everything good luck

He’s broken trust and hurt u and showed no remorse. mine done me a favour set me free kids grown up they have own life u deserve yours. don’t worry about money I’ve just got half no problem just be aware if u have joint acct he cd drain acct like my friends husband did. We have all been married a long time but we don’t have to stay unhappy we have choices now unlike our mothers had. I miss my dad every day and cry when all this happened in my marriage but everything seems to be going wrong for him now and my life better than ever. maybe karma lol
And my ex has suddenly found god very strange I wonder if he has the start of dementia as he has very bad tempers and mood swings and severe memory problems . I wish u well and hope u can be brave and leave him

Imagreatauntie I'm going to be harsh here. This a 'cake and eat it' man who has betrayed you repeatedly and over the years made you feel bad about yourself and lose confidence.

Then he has the cheek to get angry at you?
How dare he? He needs horsewhipping!

He doesn't deserve a loyal, forgiving wife like you smoothing his way through life - and now agreeing to go half-way around the world with him.

You are at a crossroads and have to decide whether to stay in the UK, or have the big adventure to Australia.

I'm an adventurous sort of person - gave up my old life to go to New Zealand and I've never regretted it.

I honestly believe you'll have a better life and eventual retirement than you ever could in UK (unless you are very comfortably off, which you may well be).

You can transfer your UK pension (check all this out online or with Australia House, as some rules are due to change in 2023, and any tax credits you earned when working.

It is my experience from many friends and a son in Australia that you will have a far higher standard of living on a UK pension in Australia than if you stayed at home.

But there are many other things to consider: climate, social life and environment, plus the location.
Do you know where you'll be living in Oz?

Give yourself a couple of years to settle and get used to a new land - then leave that philandering rat and strike out on your own with a new set of friends and new confidence. You deserve it after what he's put your through - and may again. Leopards and spots spring to mind.

Australians are friendly and helpful, non-class-conscious, laid back ....and there's always plenty of sunshine :-)

If I were you, I'd take that chance of a lifetime.

"I found all the emails to him and the other woman, maybe I should have deleted Immediately but I didn’t."

No, he should have deleted them. Maybe it was just an oversight on his part - or just insensitivity. But not your fault or responsibility.

"He got very angry and said it’s my fault I can’t let it go, not apologetic or sorry."

No, it's his fault that this happened. I imagine you're still hurting b/c you don't understand how he could feel that way about someone else. And that you're a little insecure b/c you have no guarantee it won't happen again. Hugs!

Move to Australia w/ him? Not like this, IMO. I'm glad you reached out to us, but you may also need to get some professional counseling to help you sort out your feelings and know what you need to do. Perhaps it's time for Relate (past time, perhaps). The two of you need to work through this, not brush it under the rug, as he seems to want to do. Hope he's willing to try.

Men like this don’t change. I wouldn’t move across the world for someone like him. Get some free legal advice and make anew life for yourself here. It can be done I was married much longer than you.

He is angry with you out of guilt. And an emotional 'affair' is more threatening that one that's only for the sex. We like to think that our partners are emotionally tied to us, not with others - apart from our children. It's giving a part of his inner self to someone else which goes deeper than having sex with them, so I completely understand how you are feeling. Personally, I wouldn't follow him to the other side of the road, let alone the world. He'll be angry, but whether or not that's borne out of sadness at losing you, or losing face amongst his colleagues, who knows?
It is possible, as so many have said, to make a life for yourself here. He is in the wrong and will be made to look after you financially. It will be so hard, we understand that, but in a way, in time, exciting too to be starting again, on your own, not having to worry about what he's up to. Let him get on with his new job in Australia, and you build a new life for You. Good luck.

I've had close friendships with men, and my husband has always had female friends - and admirers- wherever we go. Very occasionally there may have been a sexual frisson but neither of us ever strayed in that way. I was quite tempted once but realised the chap was just very like my husband in LOTS of ways. Things have been a roller coaster for us over the years around other issues (usually moving to another area for my work) and DH has shredded me during those times but I realise that is because he has felt out of his depth. In the end it comes down to how much you and your husband like/love each other. Perhaps Australia may give you an opportunity to make a life for yourself independent of him.....

Go with your gut feeling ♡