Trusting again

Oh Great Aunt.. how I feel your pain. My 1st Husband had a "few" affairs poss more than I ever realised and tried to make it my fault..I was like you afraid of being on my own having been married since I was 19- but eventually I couldn't stand the pain anymore so we split up/divorced and went our separate ways - the best thing I ever did! I got the house, found a good job and then met a lovely new man.. married him and am very happy! After a lot of years you need to look after you..... but get some advice! There is life after divorce... Good Luck

P.S. I cannot abide the term 'mistake' in this context - something done so deliberately as having an affair or deserting a spouse is a very conscious act. A mistake is something you have much less control over and I do wish people would have the balls to own up.

SueDoku, similar happened to me but only after a few years of marriage many years ago. I too found out that he bitterly regretted it. At the time of the desertion I was distraught and when he initially offered to return I accepted it but on one of his visits (I did not allow him just to move in...I insisted on being 'courted') I just suddenly realised the betrayal of my complete trust have totally killed my love....I just looked at him and saw a flawed unhappy man who I no longer wanted to be married to. I had no job, a mortgage and a baby but freedom was better than being shackled to someone who I could never trust, and no longer loved. He sort of kept in contact for a while crying over his 'mistakes' his girlfriend problems and even money.....in the end I had to ask him to stop. Like you I felt sorry for him but not THAT sorry.

My EXH walked out on me after 26 years of marriage. That was two decades ago - he recently told me that it was the biggest mistake of his life, and I simply said, 'I did tell you that at the time' and walked away... I've made a happy life for myself and he's alone and unhappy. I genuinely feel sad for him - but not sad enough to let him back into my life
Leave him. You'll be fine.

You are not being pathetic - this man has history and you are right to be wary. It is very difficult to trust someone once that is broken; and it does not sound as though you are close, judging by his reaction to you finding the messages again.

You may or may not decide that you want to continue your life with this man for all sorts of reasons - but you must go with your instincts as well as looking at practical things.....do you have family and friends here whom you would miss?......do you want to live with him with no support network around you?

I am so sorry that you are facing this difficult choice and wish you well.

He seems to want to get away from everything but still wants a wet nurse when he is tired of his paramours. Leave him. Divorce him. You do not know you cannot manage unless you try.

The worse that can happen to you is you may have some finance problems which you can help by not wanting more than you need for a little while. Don't stay with him unless you can honestly say you will enjoy retirement together. If the thought of your ending your days with this sort of character then put distance between you. He will not improve. He will always be wanting to see if the grass really is greener next door, and you will never enjoy life like that.

Your trust has been betrayed, and to move on without a thought would mean you either have your head in the sand, or you have accepted the unnaceptable.

So for you to to 'not look back' is not a reasonable demand by your DH. Perhaps he feels bad about it, but doesn't want to acknowledge the hurt his behaviour has caused hoping it will all just go away.

Unless you both discuss the matter and agree a way forward, then you will continue to feel like this. Perhaps you will not be able to forget, but could you forgive?

I agree with others that professional counselling is perhaps the wise thing to do; to talk to someone with no vested interest and impartial. It is essential that you make moves to come to terms with what has happened, or not, if that is how you feel, before you make any decision to move to another place in the world so far from what you know.

I wish you all the best. xx

If you 'manage OK day to day but just cant talk any more' and your husband is having 'emotional affairs' I really dont think its a good idea to relocate to the other side of the world with this man. He will be OK, he has a new exciting job, no doubt including opportunities to meet new and exciting Aussie ladies, you on the other hand will be thousands of miles from friends and family and potentially pretty isolated. Sure people might be friendly but it takes a long while to build up real friendships, and in the meantime if your other half goes wandering you may end up very lonely. Could he go whilst you stay here for a few months to see how you get on without him? I have a friend whose husband got a job in Texas and she absolutely refused to go with him. For eight years they lived in different countries, but he did eventually retire, return and they are now living together again. She said she thoroughly enjoyed her time on her own at home, probably more than when he came back.

The way I see it is Australia is same sh1t different bucket with sun. Nothing will change. My sister in law lives there and has done for many years but if her grandkids weren't there I'm sure she would come back tomorrow. I agree with those that say you are a comfort blanket for him. I would go and get solicitors advice on your own position should you choose to stay I would also look into your position in Australia as you are too old I think to emigrate so it would be a temporary situation and you may be in a worse position on your return. You are actually in a position to have a nice life but I'm not sure your husband deserves you.

Its not about you 'learning to trust'. Its about HIM 'earning your trust'.

A life in Australia, according to those already there, been there, bought the t shirt, sounds delightful, ' were' this a 'one woman man' taking his wife to a new life.
Unfortunately he has not shown any intention of letting go the 'email woman' and appears angry with you for mentioning it.What have you got to lose says one ?Good question.
Should you decide to go along with H and move to Australia bear in mind a' third party' will be going with you so you have to ask yourself 'is this what I want'.
Seeking professional advice is the only way.

ayokunmi1. Just to say I wish you all the best luck for a very happy future! You are clearly a brave and intelligent lady! I hope your 2 AC appreciate you and your special needs Child does very well.
I like what you say about would your husband give up work to look after you if you became ill.
Just for interest: Mine stepped over me when I collapsed outside the bathroom. I had a dangerous allergic reaction to mussels (it was the first and only time I had them). My 8yr old at the time phoned the doctor.
Going back, when the same child was three weeks of age: (following a difficult birth when she was born apparently dead and the Midwife gave her up as dead,) she had screamed for hours at night then gone limp. In the morning, a Saturday, I said "We must take her to a Doctor!" He went downstairs and I prepared the baby as he got the car out. I heard the car engine, went with the baby as far as the back door and ... saw him drive the car away up the road! He had gone to a hockey match!
We only had the one car. I was 14 years younger than he and did not drive.

He has proven repeatedly that he is not to be trusted. If that is enough for you then I would say go with him. I personally don't think it's good enough to treat anyone the way he has behaved towards you. I imagine you would feel better if you stepped away from this toxic man who is unfaithful ( whether physical or not) and disrespects you. You will be surprised how free and relieved you will be perhaps not immediately but certainly in the very near future. I wish you the best of luck for your future ☺ I could be writing this letter to myself 25 years ago. ?

Imagreatauntie
I am so sorry you are suffering from this selfish unfeeling man. I agree with so many people here. You are from pathetic to miss your mum! It is absolutely normal, you poor lass!
I said how I agree with so many people here, so I would like to quote NemosMum -
“Leopards don't change their spots” and Tweedle24 -
“He has a very manipulative streak making you the villain”.
I think it is worth taking heed of what they have observed.

I think this is a bad man. Not a good person to look forward to old-age with. A selfish, blame-giving, arrogant man. My guess is, you are waking up to his cruel and selfish ways now. You have perhaps been so used to being with him that you have accepted as normal a lot of abuse. It might be worth googling what to look for in a healthy relationship or perhaps more importantly, what are the signs of an unhealthy relationship, e.g. www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/in-practice/201502/51-signs-unhealthy-relationship

Having done Counselling, I have known so many women around your age whose husbands become so complacent about their wife’s acceptance of their constant abuse and who absolutely believe she would never manage without him nor have the courage to leave him, that all they do is get more selfish, more bullying, more abusive in what they expect her to tolerate.
Only you can decide, GreatAuntie, Please put yourself first. Take your time. Do not be rushed, even by deadlines to go to Australia. Now may be the right time to ask for counselling, I would ask at my Doctor's but I do not know where you live and you may have an alternative option. But please try and find a good professional to talk to about everything: what you want, and most importantly your feelings, about your marriage, your loneliness, your future, everything!
Life is not lonely on your own, that is my experience. It is liberating, and wonderful! I speak to and enjoy many more conversations when I go out now than I ever did when I had a husband. I love being single. OK I could do with someone to carry the bins out.....
Please keep in touch with us.
With my love and prayers, Elle x

What have you got to lose going to Australia ?
Do you have your own finances ?
Would you have the chance to go again ?
I just might take the chance what an adventure .

How dare he treat you like this ! If it were me I certainly wouldn't be upping sticks and moving across the world for him. Having an affair is one thing not being sorry for hurting and betraying you is quite another -he also seems to be blaming you for his actions Stand up for yourself tell him you will no longer put up with the way he is treating you and go and see a lawyer Sending you a hug where you are at right now is a hard place to be x

I’m with Rizlett .... and personally I would never ever trust this man ever again, he does not even acknowledge your right to be so upset, just tries to shut you down. I wonder how he would feel if you did it to him ?

Thanks everyone, I appreciate you all taking the time to write. The messages were on my own email as I forwarded them at the time I found them.
Today he’s carrying on as normal, not mentioned it at all and this is why it’s never resolved in my opinion.

Imagreat auntie
To hold onto messages for so long would indicate there were strong feelings for the other person and still are although it had not reached one of a sexual nature, or so H led you to believe.! Can you let sleeping dogs lie /I fear not or else why not think of Australia as a new beginning .
You are young enough to start afresh and with out a man who clearly does not have the feelings for you that you have for him as why the need to keep these messages knowing how much they have hurt you.
Seek professional advice but I believe your happiness and a new life in a new country is not with the man you married.

I think that the big question is do YOU want to go to Australia. I can't see one single reason why you would.

I'm 72 and I still miss my Mum. I don't consider it pathetic. I know she loved me so it's nice to have that in your life and you miss it when it's gone even though I have a loving husband and adult children.

Thats why Ive never ever hand on heart ever gone in any correspondence that was not mine
Im 53 going through a divorce and welcome it over 24 years of marriage
But i have my career and have my friends 2 children classed as adults and a younger one with additional needs.
He seems to be a high flier unless i missed something
You wont go hungry if you divorce
Living this way for how much longer
If an illness befell you would he give up his career to care for you thats the question i ask all my friends going through difficult marriges.
He has found it easy to dump on you
If you were in his shoes would it be allowed and acceptable.
The knowledge that there is no trust can be ignored
Yes its right that you miss your mum especially in times like this
Your very young is there anyway you could start a profession or something
To keep your mind occupied and active

All the best in whatever you do

Have you got someone who’s judgement you trust with whom you can talk things through? Starting again in a new country is a challenge enough when you are pulling together, let alone when it would seem that neither of you are very happy. I really feel for your situation, think it through carefully, talk it through with someone if you can and make the decision that’s right for you, his behaviour means that you can quite legitimately put your wants and needs first x

How has your life been in recent years? Was everything fine until you read the emails and all the old emotions came flooding back? Not defending him at all, but is it possible that he thought you might have moved on after all time? Take a step back, think about what you want to do. What is best for you in the long term?

At 53 you are well young enough to start a new life. You are entitled to a 50/50 split on everything. I am thinking that these are the two you found out about...there may have been more. Enjoy the rest if your life. If you go with him you will always be wondering if he is having another affair...emotional or otherwise.