Why does he do it?

I do think Grandma KT that he should tell you when he’s leaving if he’s going away for a weekend, mine certainly wouldn’t leave without saying goodbye then. I would advise choosing the most important thing to you and talk to him about that one thing. Don’t hit him with everything all at once. My husband improved because I kept telling him that he should say goodbye even if he was only going to be gone for half an hour.

Someone up thread asks where he is going. Well I know absolutely where he’s gone, normally it’s Morrison’s to buy a few bits for the day. Exciting isn’t it! Sometimes he goes to one of our children’s houses, sometimes to B+Q or the garden centre, sometimes he’s taking my car or his car for its MOT. Although he doesn’t always say goodbye, if I’m upstairs for example, I know perfectly well where he’s going. And as I said before, he’s much better about saying he’s going now. He’ll normally be back in half an hour or so.

The mobile is more annoying, he most certainly hasn’t got two, he barely touches the one he has got. He simply hasn’t moved with the times with regard to mobiles, he always says ‘how on earth did we manage to do anything without them.’ He just doesn’t see the need to be constantly in touch, or for example, the need to decide a meeting time and place by mobile, when before mobiles we arranged things in advance and verbally.

No, he’s not playing away, he’s just a dinosaur!

GrandmaKT. I need to confess! I did not react strongly to the mobile phone issue because I am a very bad mobile user myself! I often joke that I failed my mobile exam! Indoors it doesn't get a good signal and I can't hear people talking on it so I keep the land-line. When I go out I repeatedly forget it, leaving it charging upstairs or in another bag or if I take it out I frequently find the battery is dead.

Some of us are just very bad at using mobile phones! It's not deliberate! I'm just stupid where my mobile is concerned!

I suspect that your DH's not saying goodbye has become an old habit and he thinks you know where he is by osmosis. IF I tell you about my family please do not think I am saying your husband is exactly the same! One family member I have, now retired, male, is on the Autistic Spectrum. So-called 'high functioning' in other words quite clever! He lives in a world of his own but is by no means a bad person. Indeed he is the most gentle and benign person I know. But he will go off on his own and when accosted for not telling any of us where he was going always says "I thought you would know I was there." !! Now please do NOT think I am saying your DH has the same condition! My dear relative was not diagnosed until late adulthood but it did help him to understand why he felt "different". I do not have this condition yet I do sometimes do the kind of things people with it do. My children tease me over it. Your husband may be a bit like me! I try never to hurt anyone. But I know I do daft things sometimes - like with the mobile phone!

In my previous message, I suggested putting a sign on the door viz. "Tell DW where you're going and when you'll be back! XXX". That wouldn't upset me. If it upsets him then talk it over and go from there.

With many best wishes for future success with this and may you have lots of happiness!

Oh God that's awful Grandma KT, I'd go as far as to say unforgivable going off for the weekend without any goodbyes. I'm married to a golfer and I have to say he always says goodbye even if it means coming up two flights of stairs to do so. Maybe your husband has some subliminal guilt about over indulging his sporting pursuits.

I do think you need to have a frank discussion about it, Being out of touch has the potential to be a problem if something unexpected occurred.

I wish you luck in trying to sort things out.

Coconut
I like your comment:
Any relationship should consist of equal respect and consideration
Reciprocation is a strong thing in a relationship, and knowing where each other is and how how long they are likely to be away is a simple act of consideration for each other. It could be a life saver.
I am moved to learn, Coconut that you have been through two abusive marriages. I am so glad you survived to share your insights and wisdom with us here, I have noticed many times how helpful your remarks are - to me as well as the OP concerned. Thank you.

GrandmaKT. I am so sorry, such lack of communication can feel desperately lonely and painful. There could be any number of reasons why he does it, some completely innocent and possibly open to adjustment. Without knowing him well I can't really suggest reasons because it leads to misunderstandings if one suggests different reasons in a forum such as this. I do understand the pain it causes you. Does he ignore you in other ways? For example, does he make important decisions that affect you without consulting you? I am assuming you have been together for quite a long time so you have tolerated the emptiness he leaves you with when he does not say goodbye. Is he just eccentric? I think you need to weigh up whether he is making you very unhappy or whether he is just eccentric and you can put up with it although you would prefer him to learn to communicate. It might be worth seeking advice and asking him to come with you.
I wonder if a message on the door might remind him? It is important that we know where each other has gone. I live alone and often worry that nobody would know if I were in an accident and did not return home.
I am writing my life story. Much of it is painful but getting it out and on paper is helpful to me. I have just written about the time when my first child was about three weeks old. The birth and been terrible with the midwife giving her up as dead and my nearly dying. That night she had screamed for a long time then became limp and looked so pale you could see the blood vessels through her skin. It was a Saturday morning. I said to my husband, "We must take her to the Doctor!" He went downstairs while I got her ready. I heard him start the car and went down. As I reached the back door, he drove the car away up the road. He went to a hockey match.

*You could hide his keys before he goes out, then he would have to talk to you ?
*Ask him out right if he is having an affair, otherwise why wouldn’t he take his phone
* Ask him how he would feel if you never saw each other again as one of you dies when he leaves without a goodbye.
The man is insensitive and rude

Sounds a bit suspect to me . If he doesn't say goodbye he doesn't have to feel guilty .

Oh I think this is horrible. I don't think I'd like to be married to someone who deliberately made a point of going off without saying goodbye and deliberately made a point of leaving their phone behind so I couldn't contact them. I think I'd find myself wondering if they really were going where they claimed to be going. But even if there was no such suspicion I'd find this incredibly hostile, never mind rude.

Going off without a Goodbye or I'm away is downright rude. Presuming you known which golf course he plays on I wouldn't be annoyed at him not taking his phone. There will be staff you can contact in an emergency and for years and years we all managed without a mobile phone. So 50/50 for and against on this one.

My husband used to this all the time. I'd hear the front door close and he'd disappear sometimes for hours. When I told him that I thought it was odd, he said he didn't want to disturb me as he thought I was asleep! Utter nonsense. Since he's had a phone, he does it less often but I think this is something that needs to be discussed as it certainly causes a degree of emotional insecurity in the relationship.

If he has always done this maybe he is slightly on the autistic spectrum ? Neuroatypicals can be oblivious to the basic communication that oils the wheels of communication.

I'm with other posters on this. Go away for a few days without telling him and either leave your phone behind or turn it off and see how he likes it.

It looks to me as if he's been allowed to get away with it for so long it's become normal. He needs a bloody good shake!

This story has a familiar ring about it. DH's PA had a DH that went off for golfing weekends and wasn't reachable, no signal. Except he wasn't on golfing holidays, he was a serial monogamist and was lining up the next wife before he ditched the present one. That rat went on a holiday of a lifetime with his wife and then ditched her on landing back in the UK, added insult to injury by taking her to the cleaners during the divorce.

Mine leaves for golf at 7.10. I don't bother to appear til 7.15, then I can have a leisurely breakfast in front of the tv.

It’s very rude and unpleasant, whatever the reason. I don’t think I could put up with it.

Since one of my family was killed in a road accident, I always make a point of parting on good terms and saying goodbye. If anything happened to you your husband would regret not doing that.

My first husband used to do this but he did take his phone with him but switched it off. He was not playing golf although he said he was!! I tried the same trick and stayed away all night in a hotel but he didn’t even try to contact me. Needless to say he is an EX.

I'm sorry to say that I agree with others here. It does look suspicious. My alarm bells would be ringing....

It is very thoughtless and MALE. I have an Aunt who never lets you out of the door unless she gives you a hug. Her philosophy is that if anything happened there would always be that memory of a hug

I don't think he still love you. When was the last time you made love?

Once a long time ago now, a friend of mine lost her child through an accident. She was obviously grief stricken but one thing that stuck in my head ever since was that morning she dropped her daughter off at school and didn't say 'goodbye'. That simple act has plagued her ever since because she never forgave herself.
This tragic event made me realised how our time on earth is short and we never know when it is our turn to leave. I made sure that all the family no matter how short or long the trip away from our home was, we always said goodbye to each other. If this was not possible in person, a note was left, so everyone knew they were loved and missed until they returned. Now a mother, my daughter asked why we always do this ritual as it does not happen in her household. I explained the event that lead to the ritual and now she also has taken on the tradition and feels happier for it.

Maybe you too should tell you husband why it is important to you for him to say goodbye whenever he leaves home. You never know he might actually feel better to know that his absence is missed because you love him.

My DD partner used to do this. He had lived on his own since 15 years old and never had to answer to anyone. We got him out of it by being excessively polite and letting him know what we were doing ALL the time. He got the message!

Where is he going that he needs to be out of contact at and during?

This is what I would wonder.

Yes, my husband was exactly the same although I didn't speculate as to why he behaved like that...................however, I have a friend whose husband ALWAYS calls out goodbye and tells her where he is going and for how long and she finds it immensely irritating so I think it is fair to say that we all behave differently even within a marriage. why not just accept each others differences?

Why would you allow anyone resident in your house to treat you with such contempt? Surely there must be some reason? As someone said upthread it is literally as if you are staff!