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Why does he do it?

(113 Posts)
GrandmaKT Fri 31-May-19 10:47:10

I've just heard the front door click and looked up to see my DH driving off to golf. He will be gone for several hours. He always does this - never shouts "I'm off now", or - God forbid, gives me a peck on the cheek. Once he went off to Scotland skiing for the weekend without saying goodbye!
I've told him it infuriates and sometimes upsets me. I know one of the reasons he does it is so that I don't ask him to pick something up on his way back in, but I'm just as likely to ask him if he wants me to get anything in for him. He also refuses to take his phone with him, so I can't get in touch.
Anyone else got one like this??!

Coolgran65 Fri 31-May-19 11:00:38

This would def upset me too. It's rude at the very least, and as he knows it upsets you it's cruel. a
Don't know what to suggest as you've already spoken to him about it.
Is your relationship otherwise caring and loving?

midgey Fri 31-May-19 11:01:23

You will have to do the same thing next time you go out! He might need to learn the hard way.

Maybelle Fri 31-May-19 11:01:42

Independence is good, but to my mind this is beyond rude. Almost treating you as a servant, not even worth letting you know he has gone out.
How does / would be react if you behaved in the same way? Or does he see this as normal ?

kittylester Fri 31-May-19 11:05:55

I'd hate that! Dh hates me asking him to pick up stuff too.

I'd play him at his own game and disappear without telling him - preferavmbly for an uncomfortably long time.

Has he always been like it.

jaylucy Fri 31-May-19 11:10:39

I assume he expects a meal when he returns? Put it out on the table at least an hour early, leave it to go cold, and then say that you didn't know he had left, you didn't hear him leave and thought he was upstairs/in the garden.
The idea of you walking out the door without telling him you are going as well seems a good idea, but would he notice ??

genie10 Fri 31-May-19 11:11:47

I wouldn't like someone to leave without a word but I'd be more concerned about his not taking the phone. What if you needed to contact him in an emergency?

gmelon Fri 31-May-19 11:38:55

Just before he's due home leave the house. Do you drive and have a car? Many an hour can be spent in a car reading or listening to the radio or audio books.
Leave your phone at home if you dare.
How keen will he be to return to the empty house?

gmelon Fri 31-May-19 11:41:33

To add to my post above.
If you don't have a car or don't fancy sitting in it perhaps go to the cinema where phones have to be silent or off.

GrandmaKT Fri 31-May-19 12:01:31

Thanks for the replies so far. I'm going to show him this thread so he knows I'm not being unreasonable.
To be fair to him, he does not expect his dinner on the table when he returns and is quite happy to buy or make himself something to eat. He would not be in the least perturbed if I wasn't in when he returned, he'd probably ring me when it started getting dark!

kittylester Fri 31-May-19 12:22:56

Have you always live your lives like this? Some people are completely independent all through their married lives but find it much more noticeable, and not how they want it to be, after retirement.

EllanVannin Fri 31-May-19 12:25:41

Because of his " quick exit " does he perhaps feel embarrassed in any way at having started this tactic so feels now that you'll accept it as being his regular routine, without saying anything ?
Has there ever been any objection to him just " taking off " or even a discussion about his going out at all ?

BlueBelle Fri 31-May-19 12:34:28

Bloody rude It would annoy and upset me and I would have to object I m afraid, what if he had a car accident you wouldn’t know where he was or when he was supposed to be back What if you had an accident and needed him ?
That is taking the p and not a very caring or polite person
Would he just walk off without saying goodbye to his golf friends.... I bet not
Wake up Mr G and find your manners your consideration and your love of your wife

Going on holiday fir a weekend and not telling you!!! My chin is on the floor

tanith Fri 31-May-19 12:39:38

I really don’t get the, leaving his phone behind thing why? Even if he took it but just checked it once or twice a day keeping it off at other times. What if there is an emergency at home and he’s completely uncontactable I wouldn’t be happy with that.
Good idea to show him this thread.

grumppa Fri 31-May-19 12:43:18

Inexcusable conduct. Gives us men a bad name.

dragonfly46 Fri 31-May-19 12:43:57

My husband wouldn't dream of leaving the house without giving me a kiss. I tend to just say goodbye from the door but we always let each other know when we go out and about how long we will be and where we are going.
It is rude to do otherwise.

Luckygirl Fri 31-May-19 12:44:03

It is rude; especially as he knows you do not like this. Mind you it would be rude anyway!

Ginny42 Fri 31-May-19 12:47:28

You ask, Why does he do it? Simple answer is because he's got into the habit, but it is extremely odd behaviour, especially the leaving his phone behind. Sorry, but I would want to know more about where he's going and who he's with.

You really should know where he is and how to get in touch should you need to. At the very least he should say goodbye. Anything else is extremely rude and disrespectful. Sorry.

GrandmaKT Fri 31-May-19 12:54:37

Yes, he has always done this, and I have always played hell about it! (Water off a duck's back). For the past few years he has been retired while I was working, either from home or travelling away. If I was at home his excuse was that he didn't want to disturb me in case I was on the phone. As I am now retired this excuse no longer washes.
I have absolutely no objection to him going out, we like to have our separate activities, but if I am going out, I'll always tell him!
To clarify, Bluebelle, I did know that he was going on holiday that weekend, it's just that he drove off without telling me he was leaving.
So far as the phone thing is concerned, I thought that was pretty normal male behaviour! I know a couple of other men who do the same. He never thinks to take it and if he does pick it up, the battery is invariably dead.

ninathenana Fri 31-May-19 12:59:29

This is one of the things that amazed me about SiL he used to do the same with DD and I couldn't understand it or how she put up with it. So rude, I think.
Funnily enough I mentioned it to her recently and she said she'd never thought anything of it shock
DH never leaves the house without giving me a peck on the cheek. I admit I don't always do that when I leave but I do make a point of saying 'bye' informing him of where I'm going and a E.T.A. for return. Only good manners in my opinion.

Charleygirl5 Fri 31-May-19 13:09:47

Do you share a car or have separate cars? If you share a car it would be really good to "bag" the car for a few hours if you had an inkling he was going out.

His behaviour is very rude and cruel. He should take his phone in case he breaks down in the wilds somewhere.

I do not think he would survive very long in this household because basic manners are the norm.

BlueBelle Sat 01-Jun-19 06:50:55

I don’t think it’s normal for a man who owns and uses a phone to go out without it unless they occasionally forget My 83 year old friend would never go out without theirs in case of an emergency Either your husband is at best completely thoughtless or at worst doesn’t want you to know where he is going
Is he as rude selfish and thoughtless with his friends I wonder if he says goodbye when he leaves the golf club, I bet I know the answer
I d find a way to retrain him

Goodbyetoallthat Sat 01-Jun-19 07:09:34

It became more than mere thoughtlessness when you told him it upset you & he carried on.
On a lighter note, since we acquired a large, inquisitive puppy no one goes anywhere (loo included) without a four legged companion.

Charlie888 Sat 01-Jun-19 07:19:57

How unkind. It does not show him in a good light. And is passive aggressive bullying. Show him these posts. Indeed return the favour a few times this is not tit for tat but to demonstrate how hurtful this is. It is a beautiful day enjoy the time in your home or garden I would then take myself some where nice garden centre, coffee shopping before he gets back for a few hours.

loopyloo Sat 01-Jun-19 09:04:13

I wonder, does he have a second phone? Odd to go away and not have a phone.
I do think it's about male ego. That's he's not at the beck and call of a woman. If otherwise, you get on ok perhaps ignore it.
Or perhaps just show you are pleased when he's back home.