Ex wife's birthday - I need advice.

If you’re made to feel like an outsider don’t go. I can’t imagine hanging on to an old relationship like this!

Ah, so that is why your husband put you in this position! Well done for coming to an agreement that takes your wishes into account a little bit. Will probably suit the ex better too.

I was also wondering what Jannicans was thinking. Do these men want to feel that they are like lions, with a pride of lionesses around them. Although that does not seem to be the case in your instance.

So all DD wanted was a ride home after drinking! LOL! Well, at least, she's responsible enough not to drink and drive! LOL! Obviously, DH's AC mean a lot to him, and I understand that. No doubt, he should say no, sometimes, but that's probably a lost cause at this point. Glad you worked out a solution and hope you enjoy the birthday party!

Starlady, you speak a lot of sense. You're right, I know that DD did not consult her mother just as DH did not consult me. Basically when she says jump DH says how high? Then I find out what she really wants is a lift home so she can drink at the lunch! So much for her DM's wishes or mine. We have come to an agreement that we go at the end of lunch for a quick drink then take his DD home. Had this all my married life with the pair of them! x

It's not clear he was invited though, DanniRae - just that his DD mentioned it and he said they'd come earlier to attend.

BlueBelle, I get your point, but at 70, I know I'm not going to live forever either. I can't imagine spending my time at events where I'll be uncomfortable or unhappy. So if I were the OP, I'd skip the smaller event. But that's just me, and, of course, she has already decided to go.

Oh yes of course go, be the bigger person She’s 80 so not going to be around for ever surely one weekend out of a lifetime is not too much to ask Why ever not, boring people boring parties they don’t last for long it’s a no brainier keep everyone happy

I can't imagine your husband, on being invited to the smaller get together, saying "That would be nice but I'll have to ask beamac about it before I accept". No man is going to admit to having to ask his wife's permission before accepting an invite. He was put on the spot and so said "Yes".
Cut him some slack and be the bigger person - stick a great big smile on your face when you arrive and don't let yourself be an outsider!
Good Luck!

I too think you need to attend and am glad that is your decision.
You do, however, have to make it clear to your husband that he must always consult you when making decisions which affect you both.
It is lovely that you can all socialise together.

What is the significance of the XW being 80? If she is, then he must be around that, too, possibly older. I'm NOT asking your age, beamac, but I imagine you're not far behind. You're all still as much in the same age group (or not) as you ever were.

But I'm rethinking my earlier advice about letting DH know he needs to consult you from now on. If he hasn't learned that in 31 years, then I doubt he's going to now. You may have to decide how you're going to handle this problem, yourself, in the future - go along w/ whatever plans he makes or refuse to join in if he makes plans w/o consulting you.

Oh for goodness sake his EX wife is 80. Really does it matter. None of us live forever and if it keeps his children happy so be it. It's one week end out of 52.

I'm glad you're going and, if you say she's a nice lady, perhaps his ex-wife likes you too. She may be pleased to see you or perhaps I am assuming too much.

Yes, your husband ought to have consulted you but perhaps he just didn't think. People often don't.

Their children Jannicans?

So much better to have a civilised, amicable relationship even if they do not love each other any more.

What is it with husbands who have to maintain an attachment to their first wives. If it's so important to have her in his life why did they not remain together.

My ex husband and I had long and bitter battles during our divorce, the children refused to see him or contact him until our first grandchild was on the way. He remarried and I have a partner, but what really opened my eyes was a trip to Sweden where the exes all get together without rancour and everything is a lot more relaxed. My ex, his wife, my partner and I all get together to celebrate family events and it is far better for all concerned. You’ve been married 31 years and I should think that is enough to demonstrate your DH’s commitment to you. The thing is, once you have children with someone that relationship can never really be cast off. Go with good grace - for all you know the ex wife may feel just as uncomfortable as you and that means that as well as your hubby you have something else in common

When I read the OP I imagined a 50:50 split of opinion whether to go or not. I guess there a lot of magnanimous ladies here. If it were me I wouldn't go and if boot was on other foot wouldn't expect the ex at the small close family meal. only personal opinion!

I was thinking what Ilovecheese mentioned - who knows if DH's XW wants him at the smaller event? His AC may love the idea, but this is their mum's birthday - DD should have checked w/ her.

Just as DH should have consulted w/ you. Do you see a pattern here? Clearly, neither he nor his DD feel they need to consider anybody's wishes but their own. I know you've decided to attend both events, but, IMO, you need to have an overall talk w/ DH about this and let him know from now on, you expect to be consulted about any plans that will involve you. He'll argue that he "should" be free to do what he wants/see his kids/etc. But, IMO, the response to that is that you should have the same freedom and he takes that away from you when he makes plans for you w/o your having a say.

I'm not sure why you still feel like an "outsider," though, if you've worked at building a relationship w/ his AC all these years. Have your efforts not worked? Why are you left only w/ his X' DH? I understand your not wanting to converse w/ his XW, but how about his AC? If it were me, and I were still being treated like an outsider, I wouldn't go to the smaller event. But you've already decided you would, so yes, I agree w/ those who say put on a smile and be gracious. It will be over quickly.

beamac I can see why you feel that you will have to go, but by golly I would have been annoyed too.
From what you have said, it sounds as if your husband has invited himself and yourself to this extra afternoon.
I wonder if anyone has thought to ask the actual person whose birthday they are celebrating if she really wants her ex husband and his wife to be there? Why would she?
The occasion is supposedly about her birthday, not an excuse for your husband to see his daughter.

Go to the family dinner. Smile a lot, be lovely, friendly and interested. Be the very best you can. Don't try to compete just be good company.

I understand your irritation about him not asking you. It would have really annoyed me too, but would you have gone if he had consulted you? If yes, I’d probably settle things with him and go.

You should go. If I were you I would tell my husband I'd over reacted, which, personally, I think you have. You've been married to him for 31 years, surely you shouldn't feel like an outsider.

I think you should go, for the sake of other family members. Yes, your husband was inconsiderate to have not asked you first. Good luck and enjoy the day! ?

lol crazyH.
beamac I would have been so mad with your husband too!
Any relation by the way? My surname by marriage is the same as your log in name apart from the last letter.

I would go. He wants to enjoy his time with his daughter etc and if you aren’t there you will spoil it.

I am on the other side..... I certainly don't want my ex husband and his present wife at any landmark Birthday of mine. Perhaps I am bitter and twisted, but there you go..

Be happy that your husband took it for granted that your magnanimous personality would be happy to be included. Your are his family too. I think it's lovely that his children feel that you are all one family. Enjoy the whole weekend.