Ex wife's birthday - I need advice.

Why not let him go on his own to the smaller family meal? He wants to see his children, but you would feel uncomfortable, so why not spend the afternoon browsing the shops, having a manicure, reading in the hotel lounge, or whatever you please. Then you are showing regard for his feelings, rather than making him have to choose. After all, he is with you all the time, and has been for 31 years. It seems a bit mean to deny him some time with his family.

DoraMarr really good idea as this means beamac gets her way and her OH gets his - result.

But tell the daughter that you are doing it to give them family time. Egg the pudding.

Otherwise you will look like the sulky person who didn’t want to be part of things.

Make sure there’s no room for bad feeling?

I think it would look bad if the OP didn't go. I would have thought she still wanted to be onside with her DH's children. I would go as you have been invited and make the most of it. It isn't really a lot to ask is it? We all sometimes have to do things we do not want to and it is only a lunch after all.

What Dragonfly says

My opinion, for what its worth, is that it would look very disrespectful and petty if you didn't go to the family dinner. It would make everyone feel uncomfortable and sad that you couldn't put your own feelings aside for this 80 year old's special treat.

I agree that he should go to the smaller family meal so that he can see more of his children. DoraMarr's advice is good. (I have been with my second husband for over 27 years so am in a similar position)

You say he has a cavalier attitude. Do you and he need to have a discussion about this? Personally I find OH and I are happier to let disagreements go and be tolerant of each other.

Well if his daughter is fine with you both joining the smaller meal then I’d try to be the bigger person and go along too. Make sure you sit away from the birthday girl- it’s her do. Smile and listen but stay in the background, have a glass or two slowly, is what I’d do. He’s chosen to be with you not her and he’s there as they share children. Fair dos.

I think I'm going to have to go otherwise I will look bad. I did not want to have to socialise with her twice over the weekend, the birthday party was enough. I will get stuck with her husband again while the rest of them enjoy them selves - we are both the outsiders and I can't stand him (no-one can) he is the most boring man on earth! My upset was mainly that I was not consulted just expected to fall in line as usual. Thank you folks for your comments, it's clarified my mind. x

I agree with those who say you should go!

Well he should have discussed with you first but he didn't. You do need to go but make sure you go with good grace. Smile and act like you are having a lovely time! You can do it.

Absolutely what crystal said. She is 80! They share children. Be happy for her that she made it this far. You have the husband,. I don't know how the divorce went but try and be happy for her. Don't let the fact that your husband is a tactless goon and makes a habit of not consulting you sour the event. The children are from both of them. It's nice you are included. Relax, forget that you were not given a choice and enjoy the events and time in the hotel.

I am so pleased to read all the responses here. As an ex- wife of many years I thought it was rather nice that you were both invited and that the children could have both their parents present at the family meal. Of course he should have asked you first but maybe he knew/ presumed you wouldn't be happy to go and really wanted to attend.

let him go by himself .he can explain that it would be nice just to have family for the smaller meal. send some flowers with him...then go enjoy the celebration...

Really? After 31 years you still feel like this?
I assume that DH has children with the ex and you don't? Sorry, but there will be and always has been the connection between the 2 of them because of the children, and think that the fact that you still feel an outsider is a different issue altogether.
Just be glad that your DH and his ex have a cordial relationship, could be a whole lot worse!
I think you need to apologise to DH and say calmly that you would have liked to have been asked, but you think it would be nice if he went to the family gathering on his own, if that is the way you feel but if you don't go,it will make you feel even more of an outsider as something is bound to happen, that will be recalled in the future and you will have missed out!

I think it's nice that you have been included.
Her husband is probably feeling just the same about your DH being there, so, even though he is boring, perhaps you can chat with him for a bit then talk to the children.

Be gracious - it's only one weekend.

I think it would be a good idea to do as Dora says, go to to the party, but spend the afternoon of the meal doing something else. Let him go on his own, he wants to see his children. As you live so far away you presumably don’t have to socialise with the ex wife or the children very often.

As my mother used to say you can tolerate some things for a couple of hours and it's worth it to keep the peace. !!!!!!

Go. After all this time surely the past can be forgotten for a few hours.
My Ex & I get on fine & now he speaks to my 2nd H too. It took some working on but all 3 of us tried & made it work.
Life is too short for bitterness.

Thanks to all of you for advice. I am going, Can't duck out of it and go shopping or it would be taken badly. Can I clarify that I have worked hard for 31 years to build a good relationship with ALL his family so am not going to jeopardise it now, it was mainly his attitude and not consulting me that upset me. Thanks and have a good day x

Take part in the family lunch, although I think your Husband should have consulted you first.My Husband often does this and I am fuming sometimes, I loathe being forced into things.Good luck with the family lunch.

I just find it a bit strange!!

Be magnanimous - she is 80 and the mother of his daughter. If you decide you can't go then do as suggested and let you OH go on his own to have some family time - life is too short for this kind of pettiness.

Beamac.
Try to view this as your attendance at the x wife birthday meal is for the sake of his children not their father and the relationship as step mother you have with them.
However I can understand your feelings in what appears to be that you as his present wife and after 31 years are 'the last to know' of his arrangements.Why after all those years do you still allow this selfish behaviour?He is the one to make any apologies, so why should you 'feel bad'.This is a delicate situation and unless handled sensitively will cause further friction between yourself and H, who does not see or want to see how his behaviour upsets you.My suggestion is that you, on your own, obtain professional relationship advice and as being the only way forward. and how you handle H attitude when further birthday or other situations when his family are involved.
Do you really want to isolate yourself ?