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Adult sons still living at home

(45 Posts)
Grammaretto Sun 16-Jun-19 11:03:41

I have three friends all of whom have an AS living at home, or in one case still financially dependent on his single DM although he has moved out, and they all wish their AS could find a partner and a job which pays enough to lead to an independent existence.

I busily fork out advice, because lucky old me, our 3 DS couldn't wait to leave and make their way in the world and in one case slept on friends' floors and hitchhiked around the world, which at the time we thought was normal, before finally ending up on the other side of the world.

I am aware that nowadays it is harder than ever for young people if they don't quite fit in or appear to miss the boat with their career or lovelife.

Has anyone any creative advice from your experience of how they can launch their fledglings who are not so very young anymore?

M0nica Sun 16-Jun-19 15:51:21

The first thing is that these AC must be expected to pay their way. No matter how small their salary, even if they are on benefits, they should be paying their parents up to half their income for the comforts of a home, heating, laundry services and meals. They should also be expected to take on domestic duties, which they will be expected to do reliably and on time: emptying bins and putting the rubbish out. Cleaning their room every week, doing their own washing and ironing.

Like others my children were brought up to be inddependent and if in their 20s there were shortn times when they lived at home, they always paid for their keep and helped around the house.

sodapop Sun 16-Jun-19 15:54:29

I think trisher has got it exactly right, adult children sometimes need help but do have to pull their weight,
I have to say though I shared a house with one of my daughters for a while and neither of us would willingly do it again. We are too much alike to live together harmoniously.

Grammaretto Sun 16-Jun-19 16:44:16

I think in the case of one of these, his DM is helping him financially to live independently.
Thus their relationship is not equal. She's paying some of his bills. He's not paying hers.
She's on a pension. I can't help being impatient on her behalf, for him to get off his a**e

Whitewavemark2 Sun 16-Jun-19 16:49:59

My son left at 34, entirely because he is an inveterate traveller (still is) and all his money was spent on travel to and cycling to places like the Himalayas, the Rockies etc. He finally got his act together and bought his first house at 34. I did begin to wonder if we were landed with him for life! But now he is still travelling the world but from his own base.

Davidhs Sun 16-Jun-19 16:51:17

Sons are more difficult than daughters because most girls want their independence and a place of their own, boys if you let them, will sponge off a doting parent rather than make an effort to do anything.
My advice is give them all the help and advice you can but no cash at all, at 16 they are perfectly capable of getting a part time job, most wont want to because it limits social life or gaming time - well tough, learn what it’s like in the real world.
By coincidence I had my 16 yr old GD visit for Father’s Day, excited that she had just got a holiday job at £8.50 hr, as many hours as she wanted. Boys can do that too!.

M0nica Sun 16-Jun-19 18:06:11

I have friends with 2 sons living at home into their 40s. Their parents, now in their 70s, living in a small house, would like them to move on. But they cannot afford to.

But I cannot help thinking in this case that because their sons are home based with parents who will provide if they are stuck, this has given them no impetus to go out and make careers for themselves. Their parents are both graduates and the sons are not unintelligent, but neither chose to go to university and they have just pottered about, mainly working, but just doing a bit of this and a bit of that and moving on as some other fairly trivial job appears more appealing.

The friendship is now quite difficult. Everyone else they know in our age group, who have children of a similar age, have children that have careers, homes, partners and children and are following the usual pattern through life, while theirs do not seem to have passed the kidadult stage.

I think this a cause of deep distress to them. I now only enquire after their sons very vaguely and if I mention my chidren it is equally vague. The strange thing is their eldest child, a girl, left home at 20 to move in with a partner and 20 years on is married to him with three children of her own

silverlining48 Sun 16-Jun-19 18:37:42

Trouble is grown men still at home with parents aren’t an attractive proposition to many young, usually independent, women.

FlexibleFriend Sun 16-Jun-19 18:44:17

neither of my sons chose to go to uni. they were both keen to start earning asap. both currently earn over 50k. The eldest left home at 26 to buy a flat with his then GF, he later bought her out when they split up. The younger one also left home at 25 to move in with his GF, he now lives back home with me and his soon to be wife. I was more than happy to have them around to help them save a deposit, we live in London so that's not easy. My younger son is now my carer of sorts but I've encouraged them to buy a place of their own even though they live with me as I don't want them left behind when it comes to owning their own place even if they then rent it out. They're certainly not freeloaders, both have successful careers and relationships and I consider myself fortunate to have them. Also lets face it 20 years ago parents had a different attitude to AC bringing their BF or GF home to spend the night together. I've always accepted my sons are adults and respected their wishes to sleep with their GF's and I'd rather it was in their bedroom than elsewhere.

M0nica Sun 16-Jun-19 19:00:59

Flexible Friend Sadly that is the difference between your sons and those of my friend. Your sons both had get up and go and got up and went and made something of their lives. My friend's sons are more like cuckoos in the nest, not seeming to have felt any need to do anything but drift from job to job. The details of their lives are not known to me I haven't seen the sons themselves for a long time. I can just see the strain in my friend's face and remember the very few remarks she has made on the situation.

Mine, like yours have followed the usual trajectory of finding careers and working at them, dipping in and out of home a bit in their 20s, but once really launched into their careers being entirely self sufficient.

SalsaQueen Sun 16-Jun-19 21:28:45

My sons are in their 30s now, but the eldest moved out when he was 25, to live with his then girlfriend. When that went wrong, he came back home, left to be with someone else. He lives, happily, 1/2 a mile from me.

My 2nd son left when he was 28, bought his own home and car, and also lives 1/2 a mile from me. I'm extremely lucky that we (and my DH, their father) get on so very well and we all see each other fortnightly, go out for meals, family times with eldest son's children.

What Wildswan says about if AC haven't gone by the time they're 18 is absolute cobblers.

Gonegirl Sun 16-Jun-19 21:47:59

There's polite. grin

jusnoneed Sun 16-Jun-19 22:02:44

My two sons did things totally differently, eldest moved out at 17 to live with girlfriend. They had family, married and divorced. He then lived alone until he remarried.
Youngest son is 30 and still home at the moment but hopefully will be buying his own place soon. Been busy saving deposit etc. He has the occasional brief relationship but never been serious about any of the girls. He enjoys his freedom and has a great group of friends (some married and some single) that he gets around with.
Both have worked since leaving school, paid their way. Both can cook a meal etc, so no worries about them looking after themselves.
While I will be happy for younger son to finally be able to buy his own home I will miss him when he moves out. I enjoy hearing about what he and his friends have been doing.

SalsaQueen Mon 17-Jun-19 17:51:46

Gonegirl..........grin I thought it was quite polite.

Callistemon Mon 17-Jun-19 18:23:40

One of ours moved out, but after a very unhappy relationship, moved back in for a while.
Then he met another lovely girl, they found a house together, now married with a family.
I think he was 30 before he finally moved out - but he did much of the cooking (I miss that!).

What Wildswan says about if AC haven't gone by the time they're 18 is absolute cobblers.
Others have gone off to university, come back, gone again, come back, now left for good (I think!).
I wouldn't put it quite like that, but I agree grin

Peonyrose Wed 19-Jun-19 07:03:56

I just tried to make them responsible adults, able to cope with the world if anything happened to me. They were always very loving but independent people who wanted their own places, they did for different reasons. Sometimes I wish they needed me more, I see friends whose adult children see them almost daily and run everything by them, they are needed. I find out when mine have made a decision. Feel low down on their list of priorities, however one thing for sure they are able to cope without me, what's the saying, careful of what you wish for!😬

Tedber Sat 22-Jun-19 19:34:50

Grammaretto Advice is....they have to want to!

Launch their 'fledglings' that is.

I see it all the time. People complaining they still have adult children living with them but...at same time...loving it! Reluctance to cut 'the umbilical cord'

Part of good parenting is preparing children for their own existence in the big bad world and not 'enabling' them by making the option of living at home an easy option.

Sometimes - if AC have any issues such as autism it is not possible to carry this out but in the majority of cases a lot of parents 'enable' their adult children by being too accommodating. Then...start complaining bitterly ...

jeanie99 Sat 22-Jun-19 23:05:57

I can't see any problem with sons or daughters living with their parents as adults. Clearly as adults they would have to pay towards all the costs of running the home.
This could work for some people I am sure.
On the other hand if the parents want the adult sons and daughters to leave then they should ask them to leave.
It would have to be in extreme conditions for me to support an adult who is living away from home.
My son and daughter were brought up to be independent individuals. They both left for University at 19 years and never returned home they made their own way in life from then on. Both had jobs during their university life and never asked me or my husband for any money.

BradfordLass72 Sat 22-Jun-19 23:59:54

Two out of three Italian men under 35, and quite a few over that age, still live at home. They are nicknamed 'mammoni'.

High rents and precarious jobs make it now more normal than not.

M0nica Sun 23-Jun-19 20:12:39

Italian men are also said to make rotten husbands expecting their wives to wait on them hand and foot the way their mothers did.

Italy also has one of the lowest birthrates in Europe, I am alone in not seeing a link? With a great big adult male cuckoo in the nest, who wants real children as well?