What would you do?

Oh, Fiji, if it's gotten this bad, you either need to get him to go w/ you to Relate or you need to start thinking about leaving him. You deserve to be happy, and this isn't happiness.

Fifi.....Just thinking about your situation and hoping for the best
Good luck

There are so many similarities here to the situation I was in a few years ago: for example, change of PIN (my then husband also bought a second, PAYG phone for his cheating), texting late at night when I'd already gone to bed or was out of the room. We also had a holiday scheduled to take place a couple of weeks after I'd found out about the affair. Went on it. Disaster. He was still in touch with her. Now, nearly 3 years after I divorced him (he went off with yet another woman), my life is so peaceful. Once they lie, they carry on lying. You become obsessed and all you seem to be doing is checking up on them. Not worth it. You're worth so much more. Don't waste your time worrying about where he'll live, etc. His problem. You owe it to yourself to put yourself first. Let us know how it all goes. And don't be afraid of being on your own. I'm now in my early 60s and have had to start again, but it's possible.

Hey you guys! Thanks for your concern.

Coolgran65 I cant look at phone as he has changed his lock PIN.

Ginny42 I will not be second best to anyone. I have gone through divorce with small kiddies 20 odd years ago, I won't be second best to anyone. I actually feel sorry for him.. He may open up once he realises this is over, but its too late..I am becoming obsessive about tracking him. He sat in a road for 20 minutes on Friday - why?? I'm guessing phoning someone he didn't want me to know about, but its only a guess! I'm making things up in my head to what it could be! Not good.

This could have been going on months before I could track him on line. I just don't know!

Fifi, maybe you're determined to go on that holiday, no matter what some posters have said. And if you do, I hope you have a good time. But please don't let that blind you to the problems at home.

IMO, you definitely should NOT worry about where he is going to live. If he has truly broken your trust, you owe him nothing.

Ginny, spot on!

Fifi I've been where you are now, but I'm still nervous of saying what I think you should do, because only you know what you can accept. Reading about the suspicion and the text messaging brings it back. I think you won't enjoy the holiday feeling that he may be contacting someone behind your back, so you need to tackle this.

Living with the suspicion is destructive and it eats away at your self-esteem, but don't fall into the trap of accepting being second best to anyone. Get the ducks in a row. Ask again. Decide whether you believe him, if not tell him so and then ask him to leave. Don't worry about where he'll live, he's doing this and he must face the consequences. IF he's chosen someone else he's made his choice, then it's your turn to choose. Please choose yourself and being free from this man, then get some counselling to restore your wellbeing.

It takes courage and it hurts, but you are worth more than living like this. Hugs! Be brave. x

Hugs, Fifi! What an upsetting situation! I agree w/ those who say to make sure first, then dump him.

Yes I know that it would be best to be the better person and not be sneaky. But still think I’d want to know for sure. If I knew his car was somewhere suspicious reckon I’d go to where car was and take it from there. Poss even with a close friend in her unrecognisable car. See where he comes from back to his car.

I know .... trust and all that. But it could (just poss) be op’s paranoia. I’d check before saying anything. Would also hope to get a look at his phone. Perhaps when he goes for shower.

I’m prepared to be slated for saying this.

FifiLaTout Unlike others I would not go and stalk your partner. You obviously do not trust him and that is no basis for any relationship t.b.h.

IF your suspicions are correct, I would not even think about going away with him. I wouldn't be so desperate for a holiday to go away suspecting my partner was being dishonest...but ...up to you.

I also wouldn't even admit I had been spying on him! (again, not a great relationship if you feel you HAVE to spy)

I would just sit him down and tell him what you feel and that you don't feel happy and if he wants to move on then just say so!

IF he says o.k. will do then are you any worse off? If he disputes it and says he really wants to be with you then tell him you want him to be more open in future.

What I certainly would never advise you to do is keep checking and following him about! Keep your dignity.

Have your holiday and then get rid and move on.

When you track him in that area, I would drive over there and park behind his car and confront him when he comes out from wherever he is visiting. If he has to be chucked out, it is not your problem where he goes.

Or you continue to live with the fact that he may be cheating. Whatever he is doing or not doing, there is some element of lying involved and that would be enough to end it for me.

I think that if the holiday is very soon you should still go on it and think about yours ...and his ...options. No need to discuss the problem on holiday if you don't want to as this would inevitably spoil it. You say he texts someone while you are cleaning your teeth before bed. I would be very curious about that. You say it could be his mother ...and of course it could be ...but if this is late at night I would wonder about that. If he continues doing this while you are on a lovely holiday I would wonder even more what he was finding so important to text at that time. My very best wishes. I think it is natural to wonder about a return to this area and lying about it. I hope your suspicions prove to be unfounded.

I would tell him he's been seen round there a few times. (lie) see what he says and when he asks who, just say you're not telling but it's someone you trust and both know. Beat him at his own game.

And I know this won't make me popular, but we have an absolutely super holiday coming up. I have a Very Stressful Job and need this break. No, I would not go alone. No, I would not take anyone else.
We will go on the break and I will have to deal with this afterwards.

FarNorth No, but why do it when I'm out of the room. Everything is just so secretive. I don't get it.

Let’s put this on the table
He’s being VERY VERY shifty and not just on an odd occasion you say he just does a few jobs then spends the rest of the time in his old road
You don’t trust him ( nor would I)
If you ask him outright he ll lie or be evasive (he has so far everything you ve asked him)
Chances are your gut feeling is right
I think I’d be like chelseababy and check out where he goes personally if you are able. You re driving yourself mad you need to know then get on with your life and he can go back to his ex or his new ‘friend’

Would you expect him to mention messaging his mum?

I'm not sure I want to prove to him how I know by showing him his Google maps time line. I cannot resist looking.

I can see all his activity - messages - maps et. IE when I go and clean my teeth before bed he often sends a message. Who the hell to? It could be his mum, so why not just say!!

If you're chucking him out, it's not your problem where he lives.
If you're thinking of chucking him out, you don't really want the relationship.
How can you say you trust him when you know he's telling lies?

Thank you all for your answers. Yes gt66 there was a gut feeling when I asked him to drop me at a friends house so she could take me to work. He was quite happy to drop me at 6:30 am, then last minute he said he couldn't and had to drop me at 6:10 am. A couple of months ago he would not have let me wait on my own. I challenged him but nothing....

Back story with ex. He still has money issues with his part of the house, so solicitors are involved. He is pretty angry with her (so he says) but this too has been going on for 3 bloody years!!!! He won't move it on, he just dithers.

One evening when I knew he had been there, I said, "You smell of fags, and she smokes. So have you been there?" Even then, deny deny deny. He never explains - he just says nothing, or lots of houses I go into someone smokes. Not true. I only have smelt it that once.

I actually am past caring if he goes there as long as he is honest... sometimes it is just for 30 mins!!

He could be visiting the same neighbour, its possible, but then just tell me!!! I don't care! I actually trust him! That's the stupid thing!

Also there is the problem of where is he going to live? I would basically be chucking him out. Oh God its such a mess

You obviously don’t trust him or you wouldn’t be spying on him via the app, why did you do this. Be strong and stay sane, just tackle it head on or it will eat away at you

Well I guess there's only one thing to do. Ask him, if he continues to lie then confront him with what you know. It is quite likely, from what you have posted, that he is getting his feet back under the table with his ex. I think I would probably end it, which would be plan B, sounds like you are on the point of doing that anyway. But you have to weigh up the pros and cons of what you want to do, and what outcome you would like. Good luck.

I think I would need to know for sure. You have asked him and he's denied it. Do you drive? Could you go to the area and see which house he goes to?

Was there something that made you check up on him? I do believe in gut instinct and if he's up to something behind your back, then I think it's ok to check, for your peace of mind. I checked up on my OH when I saw the signs, otherwise it would've driven me crazy, because he kept denying anything was wrong, saying I was suspicious and paranoid, but I just knew by his behaviour something wasn't right.