elderly mother with narcissistic personality disorder

MovingOn, it's widely known that an accusation doesn't have to be explicit to be understood.

Movingon, it is defamatory to claim that I have a personality disorder. You must know that any psychiatric disorder carries a stigma

kindly quote (an exact quote and not your own interpretation of my words - for I'm not responsible over how you choose to perceive things) where I specifically claimed that you have a personality disorder? Not an insinuation but where I directly referenced you/mentioned your name and said that you Alexa had a personality disorder.

I am in quite good mental health"

And who said you weren't? What does any of this have to do with your original claim where you accused me of slandering a completely pseudonymous post?

Did you eventually figure out how to contact a moderator over my post that you wanted deleted? And that still hasnt been deleted? And that probably won't be deleted for those are quotes to your exact words? But now you want to twist the narrative and say I specifically claimed that you gave a personality disorder?

Again stop trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. If you still need help knowing how to contact a moderator very kindly let me know.

Movingon, it is defamatory to claim that I have a personality disorder. You must know that any psychiatric disorder carries a stigma.

I am in quite good mental health.

Ziggy, thanks for explaining about how your mum tries to keep contact. I understand why you feel you can't talk about the issues regarding your AC and GC.

I'm sorry about the recent incident where your mum criticized your cousin on FB. However, IDKY your cousin called you. I think you need to let other relatives know not to bring their issues w/ your mum to you, as it just upsets you and does nothing to resolve things.

Crt67, I feel for you, as well. And I understand why you're afraid to stop visiting your mum. IMO, you are very brave. However, for your own mental health, perhaps you could see to it that a professional carer is hired? Then you wouldn't feel the need to go see her as often... Just a thought...

Crt67
So sorry to hear you're also dealing with a mother with NPD. I have to say I admire your courage for continuing to visit your mother. Although I know I have done the right thing to protect my own mental health I still feel very guilty.

Just before last Christmas I was having some contact via text messages. My husband even suggested having her here for a short visit. We exchanged Christmas cards and I began to think we could have some sort of relationship. She spent Christmas at a hotel with other single people of all ages and had a wonderful time. Then a few days into January she found a post on Facebook from when my Dad died in 2102 and criticised one of my cousins for not attending the funeral. My cousin called me very upset and I just thought "here we go again"

I just don't understand why she has to be causing so much trouble within the family.

Thanks again for your post. Hope you will continue to post xxx

Hi Ladies, I am a retired psychologist and my experiences are almost identical to Missfoodlove's. I eventually diagnosed my own mum with NPD- after many years of CBT myself, I cottoned on.
Not a day I don't think about her emotional & physical violence. Was told by gp, psychologist +psychiatrist not to visit but afraid to stop. She's 91, living alone + still abuses me at every visit.

Gonegirl
Ignored, as requested

I was gonna say, I think you misread the first post
But I wont lol

Have a nice day, it's beautiful here today, a day for reading in the garden

Fennel
thanks for your post

I know how DiL feels. I was very close to my Dad and even from a very young age thought he needed me to support him. although he always said he loved my mother, life was never easy. Anyway, sadly he died in 2012 and 14 months later I just couldn't take anymore. I was grieving for both my father & my first husband and trying to cope alone with my Mother's NPD was impossible, the rest of the family lived away and weren't even willing to make a phone call once a week. Of course now she's back living amongst these family members I am the wicked witch of the west.

As you say, it is very sad but I hope others trying to deal with the condition will join in so we can all support each other

I've been thinking about your problem mother, Ziggy and remembered that I do know a few women with similar traits. They all seem to think they're right about the things they say.
The most obvious is the mother of DiL2 , who I've met about 3 times and that's enough. Talk about viper's tongue, dripping with poison, and some of it about her own daughter. Who is a lovely woman.
DiL hasn't cut contact though because she' s so fond of her Dad, the poor man.
This has opened my eyes, a very sad but interesting discussion. Glad you're still taking part Ziggy.

Ignore that. I misread a previous post.

I think we might all be here "under a pseudonym".

GG65 thank you . I will take a look

MovingOn2018 Well said, thank you

Hoping some of people who posted at the beginning of this thread, especially the ladies who have experience of a parent with NPD, will return and ignore the negative posts.

The sun is shining here today and I have a day off work, so plan to do a bit of ironing then enjoy a day in the garden reading.

Thinking of everyone struggling today xx

Movingon2018
You wrote after quoting me extensively:

"A lot of other narcissistic traits in some of these continued posts"

I don't know how to contact the moderator to have this calumny removed however I trust the mod will see it and remove it

Stop trying to make a mountain out of a molehill. How can you claim and conclude any of this to be false and defamatory statements (calumny) against you, and with the sole intent of damaging your reputation (not unless you used the phrase calumny in error) - when I don't even know you, and you're here under a pseudonym? Stop placing yourself in the vulnerable victim position. People have a right to ve and share a different perspective to your opinion. Also, quoting your exact words, and drawing an opinion from them is not slander. Those are your words, from your own mouth. At no point were they twisted to mean something else. And you can't control the manner in which others choose to perceive and or interpret the words that come out of your mouth.

GracesGran….Very good post. For me para 5 is particularly difficult to put into action!

Ziggy62, there is a really good forum called Out of the Fog. You should have a read if you have time.

Sorry I cant remember who recommended I take a look at Quora but I just wanted to say a big Thank You. Very helpful.

Just had a quick look this morning and had to pass on a wonderful tip from the site "every normal person should become an expert on narcissistic personality disorder".

I've also started reading a book that was recommended. Like therapy I'm sure it's going to be painful reading but it will be worth it in the end.

Movingon2018,
You wrote after quoting me extensively:

"A lot of other narcissistic traits in some of these continued posts"

I don't know how to contact the moderator to have this calumny removed however I trust the mod will see it and remove it.

Tedber you might get a better reception if you called Laura Lara by her actual name.

Another beautiful morning here. 3 days off work to look forward to, so planning a day tidying the garden. So much to be grateful for. Just booked a 5 day break in Berlin to visit the Christmas markets in December. When my first husband died , on the dark days I would wake up and think of all the good things in my life. Having grown up affected by my mother's NPD I found doing this each day makes life easier and stops me falling back into the horrors of depression.

Tedber, thanks for your post. In reply, she certainly doesn't have dementia. Her memory is far better than mine lol. She leads a very active life, goes on many holidays alone, walks into town most days, joins many groups (although soon falls out with other members and then moves on). And yes, she has always shown signs of NPD. A few years before I was born she was sectioned and admitted to a mental hospital (which back in the late 50's must have been a horrendous experience for both her and my father). Through out my childhood I was constantly told "If I end up back in that mental hospital it will be all your fault".

MovingOn2018, many thanks for your sensible post. Some of the comments on here are quite strange but its a difficult condition to understand. I think the term NPD is used too often to describe people who are just selfish/self centred. whereas dealing with a parent with "real" NPD is heart breaking. I see other women my age out shopping/having lunch with their elderly mothers and feel quite guilty. That would be my worse nightmare. I hear others saying that their mothers are their best friend and they cant face the thought of losing them. Those feelings are totally alien to me.

This old woman is in a weak position with no partner man to console her in her old age

You are now old enough and strong enough to parent this old woman according to her needs and your needs

This post just made me roll my eyes. Again parents are NOT mini gods!

You and others are medicalising bad temper and selfishness with this trendy diagnosis of so- called 'narcissism'

Really? Its not like you know her mother personally to contest her NPD and blame shift the posters?

Telling lies about someone whether or not they are a relative is slander or libel

And what does any of this got to do with her post? The truth can never be labelled as slander or libel and people have a legal right to express themselves in truth.

and this knowledge might help Ziggy to accept what she can't change

Okay and why can't her NPD more simply accept what she can't change? Why would her adult child do this? OP is not the one creating fake Facebook accounts to contact her mother, so why are you telling her this? What's the relevance behind it? Maybe you should say this to her NPD mother instead?

A lot of other narcissistic traits in some of these continued posts

It is really hard following this thread with so many posts deleted and so many others responding to specific posts.

Another reason I have requested Gransnet to administer provision to 'reply' directly to individuals within a thread (similar to Facebook) Please Laura?

Maybe this has been asked but Ziggy62 has your mum ALWAYS shown these signs of NPD or is it something that has come on with age?

If it is the former I can certainly understand anyone advising 'no contact' but if latter then it is more complex.

In any event, you really need to do what you think is right for you and your family. If your mother's words are causing you to be ill then I would suggest you give yourself space. IF, you know it is because she has say dementia and want to help then you probably need to ignore her nasty comments?

Not really certain what you are dealing with t.b.h.

"Alexa. It does not really help that they may be slander or libel. Are you seriously suggesting taking parents who do this to court? "

No. Actual criminals avoid punishment if there are extenuating circumstances. Ziggy might know of circumstances in her mother's childhood that caused her to be bad tempered, and this knowledge might help Ziggy to accept what she can't change.

I explained I wished her no ill, I'm glad she's got family to look after her and she's got lots of friends at church but that I was happy with my new husband & I just wanted to get on with my life in peace.

Your mother has family and lots of friends. You have your husband and no contact with your family.

That is puzzling me.

Gracesgran good post and food for thought in there.

Alexa. It does not really help that they may be slander or libel. Are you seriously suggesting taking parents who do this to court? If not, that is really irrelevant.
No one should tell a child that they should just put up with an abusive parent. I don't see why people should try to guilt trip adult children who don't want to deal with it either. After all, they have had to deal with the impact it has had on their own confidence. People are entitled to protect their own mental health and if others want to criticise them for that, then they just lack empathy.

Alexa
If only that were true