elderly mother with narcissistic personality disorder

*Ziggy*.

Quizqueen your post about removing the audience is in line with something I read about narcissists a couple of years ago. The only way to win the game is to stop playing.

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Thankfully the last few posts have been supportive. I hope this helps you Ziggy.

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*Gonegirl" why is the OP cruel?

It is very difficult for someone to be diagnosed with NPD because they do not think there is anything wrong with them and would never seek help because everyone else is the problem, not them.

NPD is not a mental illness, it is a pattern of behaviour that is toxic. Those with NPD have no empathy for anyone, never take responsibility for their behaviour and destroy relationships/lives to get their own way with no regard for consequences, as consequences apply to everyone else, not them.

Unless you have been targeted by someone with NPD or with NPD traits, you can never understand. Ziggy62, I am in a very similar situation as you. My MIL is elderly with severe NPD traits. She caused insurmountable harm to my husband and our family and my husband has nothing to do with his mother either. People who do not understand will always judge. There are a few people on here in a similar situation. Smilesless2012 is one of them and I can see that she has already responded to your thread.

Gonegirl - your post is ridiculous! Calling the OP cruel is laughable. You really have no idea, do you?

I have a mother in her 80's who was totally horrible to me all through my childhood, teenage years and to a lesser extent my adult years.

I just put up with it, because I thought I was the child, she was the parent. Now I am an adult, I decide what I can or can't put up with.

I came to a decision in my 50's that from then on, I would do what I wanted to do and have stuck to it. It's about taking care of yourself, your self esteem and the fact that you have feelings. I acknowledge my feelings, and respond to them., even if it disappoints others.

My advice to you is to start putting yourself first; only give what is possible without hurt to yourself; start saying no - it takes time but you will get there as I have.

Take time to enjoy what is important to you, and focus on positive feelings. I have distanced myself, I have to say, but cannot be mean minded and adopt no contact. I can cope with contact, but on my own terms.

Hope that gives you food for thought xx

ziggy I was referring to the post above mine written by movingon when I said unbelievable not your original post
keep your scissors sharpened and keep cutting her out one bitter post

thanks for helpful replies

as for others, to be called "cruel" and "unbelievable" is almost as hurtful as my mother's comments over the years.

Feeling very low now

If a child is having a tantrum, my advice would be to 'remove the audience'. The same would apply to adults who have tantrums or behave badly. However, you can just walk away from them as they don't need supervision. On another day, if everyone is having a reasonable time, then mention that you are happy to see them. Praise the good ( if any) and ignore the bad - for your own sanity!

wow, wasn't expecting that

Unbelievable

I see a lot of narcissistic traits from some of these posts alone.

OP you are allowed to cut off anything an anyone out of your life, and the fact that one's your mother doesn't exempt them from a quick cut off. Even the Bible tells us to cut off that which makes us sin. There is no exception clause to this either.

So it's cruel too who? The NPD mother? What about the OP and how her mother is being cruel to her? Or are we still in the ancient times of taking any form of abuse and staying silent just because someone is your mother/father/family?

Keep your pair of scissors sharpened and keep cutting her out. But when a mother/father cuts out their own child for being gay/trans/marrying to a family they don't approve of/or any other reason - no one comes out to say that these parents are mean/cruel. But once the reverse happens to where an adult child does the cut off, they are branded as mean/cruel. Parents are not mini gods. They like everyone else are prone to making egregious crimes.

Her mother isn't perfect or deserving of some special form of respect/treatment just causes she's elderly and irrespective of how she acts. Cut cut cut cut and cut her off as needed.

I have done some reading around the subject and that is why I used quotation marks. I am in no way qualified to make a diagnosis and apologise if I have caused offence with my first post.

Aren't the OP's posts about two people's issues. If a doctor tells you to cut all contact with someone they are doing this because of your illness not because they have come to any conclusion about anyone else. The only way I can compare it is to look at someone being signed off because of work related stress. The person is stressed because of their work and should be treated, after a break, in a way that allows them get back into work or helps them to leave. In those circumstances no doctor is able to offer an opinion as to whether the work place is generally toxic or even why it may cause their patient problems. It's that patients problem that is being treated.

It seems to me that we cannot form an opinion about the elderly mother. It also seems a little odd that the children have reacted the way they have too. Children are very often aware of the family dynamics.

Wow Missfoodlove you have been to hell and back and not only survived but have made a good life for yourself. Well done you.
Don’t think I could still stay in contact with such a cruel mother......

My 91-year-old mother has NPD.
The first words I can remember her saying to me were I rue the day you were born.
She used to tell me frequently that she didn’t like me that my brother didn’t like me and that my father didn’t like me, she would do or say anything to incite my brother or father to hit me.
She would then tell friends,neighbours, basically anyone that would listen that I was a terrible terrible child and how awful it was for her to have to bring me up.
She took money from my bank account when I was 11 to give to my brother the golden child, anybody that came into my life that I liked she would eventually take them to one side and tell them lies about me.
On a regular basis she would literally empty every drawer and cupboard in my room and turn it upside down looking for some kind of evidence to give her an excuse to hit me.
When my first child was born she held her,looked at me and said that if I didn’t do what she said she would make sure she was adopted.
When ever I achieved anything she would manage to ruin it for me.
She has told family members so many lies that some of them refuse to speak to me because they believe her.
She told a solicitor that my husband and myself were coercing her for money. She told a relation that she had bought most of the furniture that is in my home and paid for holidays.
All of this was one great big lie, As a daughter I would’ve done anything to try and please her though she made my life hell yet I continued to support her, look after her.
Had I known about NPD 20 years ago things might have been very very different.
So please do not assume that NPD is just being banded around as a buzz word, as a survivor of a mother with this disorder I feel it is really very important that people know and understand that this is real.
I have been very happily married for 36 years I have a wonderful husband and three amazing adult children and a grandchild. I run a successful business and have some very good friendships, none of this is down to my mother or my father, or brother.
It has been friends immediate family and my wonderful husband that have helped me cope.
My mother is still alive and in a home I visit her regularly although she doesn’t know who I am, she is a pathetic character.

Yes I understand that ninathenana What I don't understand is the trend to diagnose and label every behaviour. There are people who are nasty, bitchy, selfish, forgetful. This does not automatically make them narcissistic or have dementia.
Of course I sympathise with all those people who have mental health problems or who are caring for relatives who do. I was a mental health nurse many years ago so I do have some insight into the issues. I feel very strongly that diagnosis /labels should be left to the professionals.

Ziggy62 - "Having done this she continues to find ways to contact me and sadly I no longer see my 2 children or my 3 grandchildren. The whole family has been destroyed by her behaviour." Are you sure the whole family hasn't been destroyed by your behaviour, i.e. cutting contact with your Mum? You are the one not seeing your children and grandchildren now, is it because they disagree with your behaviour? There are ways of dealing with controlling behaviour without cutting contact - that is so cruel. She's not a murderer, she's your mother, and despite all her faults, cutting contact with a loved one is not the answer. I can't imagine any professional psychiatrist encouraging a patient to cut contact, that's awful advice!

Obviously people do not know how destructive narcissism can be, sometimes the only way to escape their manipulative ways is to go no contact,they can destroy your life and leave mental scars, read "Quora" you will find out how a narc can ruin someones life and mental health

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Trump has certainly stood up and made public the personality traits that most of us amateurs recognise as narcissism Bluebelle so I suppose that is one small thing we can be grateful to him for!

Whilst I agree that the narcissist label does appear to be over used and isn't always applicable, being confronted with the devastation to a family that a narcissist causes cannot and should never be underestimated or treated lightly.

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It seems it’s the latest in thing all the daughter in laws, mother in laws, mothers fathers, partners etc who used to be awkward difficult or down right cruel are now narcissistic
I blame Mr Trump