Do I say anything or do I suck it up?

I meant to add that when the oldest started to sleep through the night he also decided that he didn't want to be breastfed at all !

Can you ,tactfully, suggest that DiL contacts her GP or health visitor? If she is constantly tired and needs help on a regular basis then she really needs some advice on getting her child to sleep through the night. I breastfed both of mine, my oldest would not sleep well until I did controlled crying at at about 18 months. My youngest slept through at about 3 months , and the difference in me was amazing! I know it is hard for you to make any suggestions , but I think you should have a life too. If they are at breaking point , which they seem to be, the answer really has to come from them. Does the DiL ever ask for advice from you? The point is that a 2 year old doesn't need feeding at night. Feeding a baby to sleep is not a good idea because it becomes a difficult habit to break .I'm always puzzled when parents don't think that perhaps the baby/toddler would be happier if they were able to sleep through the night and self soothe. Has it occurred to them that just stopping breastfeeding would resolve the issue?
So, no, you aren't being mean, you deserve a life, they should be able to resolve the issue and I would never have been so cheeky to ask for that sort of help .

Please keep your hair appointment.
Talk to your son about your availability and proper notice for other requests.
If they need more help, they should make other arrangements for care.

Your son and dil need to realize that their current family organization plan is clearly not working.
They need to think about how they can rearrange their calendar, roles and responsibilities, to work better as a family.
Please do not point it out to them, you say it with good intentions but could be interpreted as criticism.

As for breastfeeding, do not even mention it to them. Extended breastfeeding is normal in other societies. It is still very beneficial for your GD to get the immunity from her mother

Your dil could be tired because of uneven role distribution in the home, she is overworked, etc.
There could be other factors that you are not aware of and contribute to this problem

Sleep deprivation is used as a torture technique and your dil has not had a full night sleep in 2.5 years, maybe even more than that - pregnancy and sleep are not best friends.

So, to be clear, all you should do is to tell them of your availability

Everything else, they need to do that themselves, as adults, without your input (unless it is requested)

I agree with most of the advice here, Clare. I especially like FarNorth's idea about letting DS and DIL know in advance when you're available.

And I totally understand about keeping the hair appointment. My own family knows I won't cancel/postpone my hair appointments unless there's an emergency, LOL! My hair doesn't cancel/postpone getting out of control, and I think I have a right to look nice, unless there are more pressing concerns.

Still, I understand your inner conflict over this. And if you were never there for DS and DIL, I might be saying something different. But you've given them a lot of your time. You have a right to some time to take care of yourself.

I'm sorry if DS and DIL don't understand that. But maybe they're too caught up in their own issues right now to think of anyone else. I'm also sorry that the other family member told you what DS and DIL are feeling. That was out-of-line, IMO, and only served to upset you.

How reliable is this family member? Are you sure you can even trust what they told you?

Regardless, I may be wrong, but I detect a mild criticism here of continuing to breastfeed at GD's age. While I don't think it's the usual choice (my DD breastfed each of her kids for about a year), it's not unheard of. As others have suggested, that has nothing to do, by itself, with GD's waking up at night. She simply may be a light sleeper or she may be having night terrors. Do you know if DS and DIL have spoken to the doctor or the HV about this problem?

Even so, DIL could begin to solve this problem by starting to wean GD. She might still get up at night, but then DS could take turns comforting her. Or, if they don't like that option, DIL could pump some of her milk into bottles, so that DS could handle some of those night feedings. How do you feed her when you're watching her? They could deal with these night feedings the same way if they really feel she needs to be fed and not just comforted. My point is, while it's good that you pitch in where you can, I agree with you that they have it in their power to solve this issue themselves (or with the help of the doctor or HV).

Maybe they didn't accept your offer of help on Tuesday or Wednesday because they were upset about Monday. But perhaps that also means they found another way of dealing, which is a good thing. Please don't beat yourself up about it. IMO, you need to just back away a little bit and give them a few days to cool down (if they're angry) and adjust. Then, give them your schedule for the next week or whatever, as FN suggested, and see how they respond. Good luck!

If you cancelled your hair appointment at short notice, you might have had to pay for it! Did they think of that?

In an emergency you might not mind this but you can't be at your son and daughter-in- law's beck and call the whole time.

I doubt it is much to do with breast feeding but it sounds like your DIL may be depressed or feeling very low and not coping with daily living and this is being put forward to justify why she is feeling so unwell. There is no reason why she should stop breast feeding (DGD is 28 months and still breast feeds alongside a normal toddler diet and drinking cows milk). Part of your DILs problem seems night waking and that can be addressed in many ways - health professionals, social media groups, online research, private therapists etc however DIL probably needs to see her GP and be assessed and have basic tests - bloods for anaemia, thyroid etc. And if GP thinks she is depressed be referred to a specialist post natal mental health worker as this can manifest itself even when a child is 2.

Isn't it ironic that the baby who was so alert in the early morning and in the middle of the night became the teenager who could sleep for ever and had to be hauled out of bed to get to school.

I just wanted to add my penn'th.I completely agree you should not feel bad about your hair. It's important to make a stand sometimes.
They probably can see the connection between a tired parent and and a baby who needs weaning but they need to work it out for themselves . Eventually, it will all come right.
After all, not many children are still at the breast/bottle when they start school - or in nappies I hope,

It sounds to me as though you help out a lot. You weren't unreasonable in wanting to keep your hair appointment, and they were quite ungrateful in not accepting your offer to have the little girl on another day.

Why is your DIL still breastfeeding a child of 2 years old anyway? Does your GD have proper meals? The DIL needs to stop the breastfeeding (through the night is ridiculous to me), and establish some proper bedtime routine.

A toddler who wakes at night to breast feed will wake at night if weaned.

Its probably BECAUSE she is tired that shes not up for having sleepless nights anyway except without an easy way to re-settle the child.

Some children sleep through some dont. Regardless of breastfed or not. Total myth that non breast fed babies and toddlers sleep better. They dont.

Absolutely keep your hair appointment!
Couldn't your son have the day off work? They aren't doing anything about it because you keep giving in and looking after her.

It sounds to me as if DiL is deriving as much comfort from the breastfeeding at night as GD is.
If she really wanted to discontinue the night feeds, she could. Surely she can work out for herself what is causing her exhaustion.
So Clare please don’t feel guilty. You sound like a lovely supportive Mum.

Is your dil depressed? Maybe she should talk to her GP or health visitor? Perhaps you could gently suggest it one time when she is feeling so tired. Do it in a helpful way rather than sounding like you don't want to help. Does she have friends with a child the same age? Maybe she needs support from people in the same situation. All very hard for you but it may be you need to look at it from a different angle? Good luck

'or doctor'

You are not being horrible, you are being caring and supportive. Do not feel guilty; what about your hairdresser if you had cancelled your appointment at the last minute. Seriously.
Your daughter in law has made a rod for her own back by attempting to maintain breast-feeding for her two year old, and it clearly isn't working, but as everyone says, apparently you must not offer advice. She really does need to discuss this with a health visitor of doctor; it is a problem of her own making and she needs to confront it, not you.

O'h dear I am afraid I would be a lot meaner by two, I would offer a drink of water in case she was thirsty, if she is eating well during the day then she shouldn't be hungry and wake at night. I can see your DIL must be exhausted and I guess this is making them both touchy. Of course you should have gone to your hair appointment and why are they discussing/ moaning about it with other members of the family. Stick to your guns and I hope they can get sorted out soon.

I'd be expressing milk and feeding her a bottle until things tail off. What the child is doing is using mother as a comforter and I wouldn't be making a rod for my own back doing this.
At two years of age many can sleep through the night.

ClareAB - you are not mean!

If their childrearing choices require so much more back-up then its up to them to sort it out amicably to the mutual satisfaction of all concerned. Thus you should be able to say exactly what you can cope with. You have your life and your limitations. There is no need to feel guilty let alone mean.

To be honest the breastfeeding choice is quite separate from the continuation of the night feeding choice. I do seem to remember we had a thread on here that got quite heated on a similar problem so this can get a bit argumentative. Anyway whether you are bottle or breastfeeding there is still a pretty commonly held view that a 2 year old should not need sustenance/nutrition at night. She should be sleeping through but just being offered a drink of water rather than a feed. This is bordering on comfort feeding rather than nutrition. It is lovely to breastfeed, the Mum feels truly nurturing and the baby loves the closeness of their Mother but it can become a bit of cycle that should be broken. Babies learn from the parents when its time to sleep through, we all had that to cope with as young Mums. We stopped one feed (usually the one at about 2) then as they learned to accept it we dropped another. The final feed then became a little earlier each week and slowly we got our nights back. It was a gradual process but it was us that introduced it....babies are not born knowing that they have to sleep all through the night.

Children vary so much. I didn't get a decent night's sleep till DS2 was 4 but he certainly wasn't breast-feeding. DS1 slept through the night at 6 weeks and weaned himself at 7 months. This little girl needs to find that the breast isn't the only means of comfort. However, it's not your place to give advice - anything else, but never advice!

Thanks guys. All sensible advice. Sometimes it's so hard to keep my mouth shut when the solution seems so obvious, but I do
They are hugely loving, yet ridiculously over-protective (in my view) of their little girl. That said she's a sweetheart and a credit to them.
Maybe they're so over-tired they can't think straight?

Don't comment about their child-rearing choices.
Do explain that you have to be careful of your own health.
Do tell them that you can't drop everything for them unless it is an emergency.
Do tell them what you feel able to do regularly, every week, and what you can do if asked e.g. regular childminding on one day, also available on 2 other (specific) days if needed - or whatever suits you.

Do ask for their views on this and their suggestions for compromise if they don't agree with what you propose.

Getting clear agreement beforehand should make it easier for all of you, rather than reacting to each request for help as it comes up.

You are perfectly right to keep your hair appointment as it is not as if it was an emergency. I certainly would not say anything to them about how they look after gd though. You really don't have to be at their beck and call and it's perfectly reasonable to expect them to look after their own child. I would take a step back if I were you. They are adults and need to work this out for themselves. X

At two years old your granddaughter should not need feeding in the night. It's a comfort/habit thing now. I would be annoyed too if my son and daughter in law had complained about me to another family member.
It's time for straight talking with your family and let them know which days you are available to help. This would not preclude emergencies. As you say they could resolve this themselves but are obviously reluctant to change the habits of a two year old. Sometimes as a parent you have to make decisions which your child does not like, this applies to your son and his wife and to you. You are not being selfish, they need to start being proper parents.

Breastfeeding a 2 year old isn't for everyone an dmaybe you could gently tell your son that and he could discuss it with his wife.Then they might get advice about stopping at least the night feeds,she doesn't need them its just a comfort thing by that age .