Do I say anything or do I suck it up?

Starlady have you had many 3 year olds? Your comments about counselling seem to be very extreme. I doubt you would even get to see a counsellor before they have moved on from that stage t.b.h.

It seems quite common that some toddlers go through a period of refusing to eat. In my experience they get out of this by the time they go to school and are eating with others. I don't think there is any need to panic unless the child is showing signs of ill health.

You don't think you being expected to be permanently 'on call' is the main issue?
Won't offers of more help just enable the current situation to continue?
Will they be open to comments about the feeding and sleeping situation?
Or might they resent such comments and feel it's none of your business?

ClareAB Agree with everyone who advises you not to comment on the breast feeding. I wouldn't even comment on the exhaustion t.b.h. Other than maybe to ask if she thinks a trip to the doctor to check for anaemia may be in order?

I would just carry on as you are doing. Sit when you can and tell them you have plans when you can't or don't feel up to it! You don't owe them any further explanations. If they sulk, they sulk but so be it!

I COULD have similar problems (and yes one of my GS's is still being breastfed at nearly 3 and doesn't sleep either). But they don't expect me to do more than I can as I have spelt out (have large family) that I have done my bit and that now is MY time! Doesn't mean I don't have GC staying over or I refuse school runs......it is just on my terms and all kids know this. If they start to moan...I just stop them. Obviously if any special occasion or emergency...well that is different but....you know what I mean.

Good luck. Don;'t be pressurised into doing things or feeling bad about asserting yourself.

Thank you. Reading all the answers on here, it suddenly became very clear that there are 2 separate issues. Sleeping and breast-feeding.
You're all right re breast feeding being their choice and I have absolutely no problem with it.
I'm convinced it's the broken nights that is causing my DIL exhaustion, and if I'm going to say anything, it will be about that with renewed offers of help. We have offered to have DIL to stay on her own, or Son and GD to stay, or GD to stay, or for them both to come here and I stay with GD....
It occurred to me that even if you're breast -feeding, you don't have to offer it all night for a 2 year old, any more than you would make them a meal every time they woke up
Thank you everyone, it's been really helpful

Also, they might check out if there's a medical reason. But again, I would say it only once and then let them figure it out for themselves.

"I have a three year old DGD with a mind of her own. She will eat very well but also some days she will refuse to eat all day. As a result she demands milk at night and often has three full bottles during the night."

How does a 3-yr-old deny her own hunger for that many hours? IMO, these young families that have this problem need to get into family therapy, even though the kids are young. Something more is going on than just stubborness and nighttime hunger. But, I suppose, the parents have to come to that themselves. If they complained to me about it, I would ask if they had thought about counseling, and then leave them to it. We GPs can't make them see what they don't want to see.

I have a three year old DGD with a mind of her own. She will eat very well but also some days she will refuse to eat all day. As a result she demands milk at night and often has three full bottles during the night. Very wet night time nappies, broken nights, tired parents. Not easy to solve but I think it gets harder as the child has its own opinions as they get older! Good luck OP!

Talk to them

It seems clear to me that Dil tiredness is related to having her sleep disturbed and not depression or overwork as a couple of people suggested. I would advise son and Dil to talk to a health visitor. I would also talk about them about discussing me with other family members.
You sound like a very helpful mother. But you shouldn't do more than you want to. You have your own life too.
I certainly would not feel guilty and hairdresser appointments are very important imo.

I breast fed my youngest till he was 3! We agreed he would stop on his birthday. It was easy. Could your DIL stay with you for a couple of nights? Then your DS could look after the toddler. With no breast milk available your GC would learn to sleep without it

I agree that every child is different, but it seems that the family had reached some sort of crisis. In that case what is the harm in trying? We don't know what is going on that the mother is so tired but she keeps saying that she wants to stop breastfeeding. So why doesn't get husband just be supportive and say" yes love, you've done enough ". Have a plan, make it an adventure, but something for the little girl that she would like to use? I would expect a 2 year old to use a cup as well as breastfeed so it's really just an extension of what is happening already. As I say there has to be more going on but I think if the breastfeeding stopped whatever else is going on might well be addressed. And that includes thinking that others can just drop everything because there is some problem.

Yours weaned.

Gosh darn it

lois Every child is different. That’s fantastic that you’re his weed easily, not everyone is so lucky.

My youngest drank from an open cup long before she weaned

You are well within your right to say no when you have plans, or anytime. You should not be at their beck and call.

That said, don’t say anything about the breastfeeding. That’s not your place, and will likely make it much worse.

Yes sometimes a bit of professional advice works wonders, I agree. However stopping breastfeeding just isn't going to change a basic attitude they appear to have that the OPs time and babysitting is somehow their right! Which is a shame

I agree that it is up to the parents how they raise their child by the way but sometimes a hint from a professional that enough is enough might do wonders.

Sorry but I don't think that it is that difficult to cease breastfeeding. At the age of 2 the toddler is eating solids, should be able to drink from a cup and won't be getting a significant amount of calories from breast milk. It shouldn't be too difficult to say " you are a big girl now, you can drink from a cup so mummy won't be feeding you milk". Neither of mine were difficult to wean because they were eating well and could use a cup, in fact my youngest decided for himself.
We have here a mother who is tired, maybe exhausted, she wants to stop breastfeeding, she has to ask for extra help because she can't cope, the toddler is probably feeding to get back to sleep. I don't know if there is an underlying medical condition but if there is constantly feeding a baby isn't going to help her is it? At some point babies and toddlers learn to self soothe, and go back to sleep. The mother has done a really good job by feeding for so long, there is no medical reason for her to continue and while I am aware that breastfeeding is good it isn't worth making the mother unhappy or contributing to ill health. As I said getting the little one to sleep through the night seems to be beyond the parents at present. It seems that they are stuck in a rut and can't get out of it. I know that some parents are very keen on baby led and others are all for routine and the baby fitting in. I can't see that ,in this instance, letting the baby decide is doing any of the parties much good so perhaps it's time to try for a routine and sleep training?

Can you offer to have DGD for a sleepover? This would give DiL a chance of a full nights sleep and may break the pattern. There’s a chance too that DGD may go back down with just a cuddle and a sip of milk. Being in a different bed can work wonders.

Also, do they leave a night light on for DGD? Some ‘methods’ advocate leaving the child in total darkness which can be scary for some.

To me, the issue here is not their chosen method of childrearing. Up to them how long they breastfeed, manage sleepless nights etc. I think the issue is that they see you and your time as their right, and as the solution to the consequences of their choices in their childrearing. I think you need to sit down with them and have a clear discussion, not about their child rearing, but about how much time you can offer, how much you can do and that you cannot keep cancelling appointments etc to fit all of their needs. This can be kindly but firmly done. Offer to help think of alternative solutions to always being you (I think saying you get tired etc and cant actually keep up to this extent anymore without getting exhausted might help them to think a little more about your perspective ). Would arranging set times each week when you take GD help ...so your dil plans her time/ potential rest around that? Good luck

I've had similar issues with my own daughter and have told her I need 24 hrs. notice, at least, unless it's a real emergency. I have a weekly lunch date with friends and a couple other regular engagements and she knows these times are not available.
It is quite a bit worse as one GS is very ill and in hospital. We are all stretched to the limit and sometimes I just have to say no.

Our youngest DGC only wakes if she shares a room with her parents. Actually I think she does wake when she's by herself but they aren't disturbed by her.

But weaning is an extra JOB. Just like potty training! And if she is already exhausted she probably isnt up for the task right now. It takes time energy and patience!

Tiredness is normal with a toddler, exhaustion needs a GP review!

But the mother keeps saying that she wants to stop! If she is constantly waking up to breastfeed a toddler back to sleep then she will be exhausted. I'm wondering how often she is woken up in the night? I'm all for breastfeeding , it is clearly good for baby and mother but I don't see why encouraging a toddler to sleep through is so wrong particularly when the constant waking is causing so many issues . My oldest would have carried on being breastfed for ever . He ate very well, would drink from a cup but didn't want to stop breastfeeding. As I said when he slept through the night that changed. And I started to feel less tired.

Weaning is like potty training: best done when everyone is relaxed and has time and energy to focus on it. Natural self weaning is just as valid.

The child will probably wake regardless. Breastfeeding may just be replaced by water. I still sleep with a glass of water by my bed for when I wake in the nighy feeling dry. Some people never "sleep through"

2 is not even classed as extended breastfeeding. It is perfectly natural for a 2 year old to breastfeed.

If you and others are attributing DILs exhaustion to breastfeeding, medical issues may be missed. It is normal to be tired with a toddler, it is NOT normal to be exhausted , breastfeeding or not. If when she does get a break to nap, she still wakes feeling exhausted, she needs to see her GP. Weaning can wait!

Do you know what? I am sick sore and weary of all these parents who seem to think that the grandparents are jointly responsible for co-parenting their grandchildren. That our sole purpose in life, after raising our own children, is to help raise theirs. Because, you know, we don't have a life of our own, do we?

And God help the grandparents if they dare to say they are unable, on this occasion, to help.