Really in a dilemma

This thread originally started months ago? An oldie. No point commenting now I would have thought?

Agree with everyone. Don't trust the jerk. See a solicitor. You will be entitled to some of his pension. Your son might not get your share of the house. You need to make it clear in a will ad protect any money and assets for your son.

Kudos, Chloejo! Sorry you went through that, but, IMO, you are brave and strong.

Grt66, I'm sorry for what you've been through, too. Are you sure you're "less able" to leave now than you were 6 years ago?

Clio, my heart goes out to you! Clearly, there is no trust left in this relationship. You don't trust him (for good reason) and he doesn't trust you regarding the house (probably b/c he's not trustworthy himself). I'm sorry, but I don't see how this relationship can go on.

"I’m not in the right place at the moment anxiety/depression so don’t want to rush into anything and make my health worse as I’ll be in no fit state then."

I understand. And I suppose there's a danger of making some wrong decisions if your mood is low. Please consider, though, that it might help to ease your symptoms if you are free of him. IDK. Perhaps ask your GP or therapist what they think?

I don’t just get the 78k back!
Of course house prices go up in 16 yrs
I have 50-50 after the 78k is taken off

A very long post hun, but I can answer it in very few words - dump him - he is a narcissistic pig. Was married to one - they rarely change and chip away at your self esteem until you feel you have gone completely mad.

jura2
Previous post by Op, *“The mortgage, is in both names
I have a solicitor letter to say
My 78k is protected should anything happen between us”*

Agree with you though, the op really needs legal advice.
The return of the 78k (which seems to have been half the original cost of house), whilst giving some security, appears to be now considerably less than half of the house’s worth, as Op says she would need 100k to buy her partner out.

and you need serious legal advice- on what happens if ... as it seems his name being on the mortgage, it might be his house, whomever put up deposit.

In case you leave... in case he leaves... in case of your demise or his- and make a proper will, with legal advice due to circumstances, and especially as you are not married. You need to protect yourself and your son. He probably has looked into this himself.

The first thing is to establish a mindset whereby you DO NOT ever consider his needs. It matters no if he faces difficulty. If you adopt a mindset whereby you are worried about his future or his predicament you will never get sorted out. People such as this guy do not deserve nor should they receive your respect. Decide what is right for you and your son - that is all. NEVER consider the guy. You can bet 100% he is craftily looking for his own interests. Negative energy is destructive. Be positive - look after your own interests.

Do get legal advice. I so much regret now that I failed to do that 25 years ago. Hubbie left me, house was in desperate state of needing repair, still ten grand to pay on mortgage (a lot of money back then). He had been on benefits due to MS and we had been struggling financially for a long time. Our youngest child was around 18 years old then.
Eventually I managed to get a job (after twenty years as a parent/foster parent/carer - and a serious medical problem), and finally managed to pay off that ten grand, and got a grant to do repairs etc.
Then when I wanted to sell the house to downsize he insisted that not only did he want 50% of the profit, but also a 50% share (as tenant in common), of the new house I was purchasing. Foolishly, I agreed, as he was refusing to sign the papers for sale if I did not. Should have had legal advice at this point,.
So, for the last 16 years, i have lived in the property, carried out many upgrades, maintenance, etc. and now need to sell it as I must move into a flat.
And, yes, he is now going to get 50% of the sale price, leaving me with just the other 50% to purchase my retirement flat. Not only that, when it was suggested to him by one of our children, that i was entitled to a larger share of this property, he indignantly said that I had been living in this house and had been renting a special-adapted flat during this long period. Therefore, he said, he owed me nothing!!!!
Did consult Solicitor a few months ago, who felt that any Court would definitely give me a larger proportion of the property value, but it it would a long, protracted time-scale for this to happen and would cost up to ten grand.
So wish I had done this all those years ago.

Narcissistic prick. Selfish jerk. No respect or consideration for you. Resonates with me. You're not married so he has no claim on what's yours. Get your will made asap. I can't write anymore because it's pissed me off. I send you hugs and best wishes honey. xx

You’ve already mentioned that the house is owned on a Tenants in Common basis but not whether it’s 50:50 or a different split. For instance, one of my clients was putting in three quarters of the funding so I recommended that they owned the property on a 75:25 Tenants in Common split.

These things should have been sorted when you first bought the property, including the basis for the mortgage. It’s highly unusual for a mortgage to be in a single name when the property is owned in joint names. The solicitor should have raised these issues at the time.

First things first, you need to get a will written ensuring that your share of the property passes to your son if you die first - this may be by way of a discretionary will trust which is written into the will but the trust isn’t actually created until death.

Second thing you need to do is make sure that your financial situation stacks up and that you aren’t going to be left in a vulnerable position. If you’re not married you aren’t as well protected as someone who is married (there’s no such thing as common law).

I’m happy to chat offline if you need any help as this is a large part of what I do when working with solicitors as I look after their clients who require financial advice upon separation and divorce.

I know it’s difficult trying to take a really objective view when you’re the person caught up in the middle of it all so it’s really important you get some impartial, independent advice.

Look after yourself first and foremost. It might sound incredibly selfish but if you don’t, no-one else will.

It sounds as though you want to stay and make it work with your partner, that's your decision to make as only you know how your relationship really is.
I would agree with Diana227 about counselling, even if he doesn't agree to go with you, you will benefit from it and therefore he will.
Spending on your home is another matter, you both obviously priorities spending differently, perhaps you spend because you are feeling so low and insecure. If you have an agreed budget rather than impulse buys maybe he won't mind paying his half .
My husband isn't interested in material stuff and prefers us doing things together, creating memories and experiences, living life while we can. (He does like 'things' obviously, just doesn't strive to 'have' )
Anxiety and depression keep each other company and like to drag everything in close, try and resist this. Good luck and vent away

Just need to clarify a few things

I’m 62 this year have have suffered anxiety leading to depression numerous times since I’ve been 25. It’s in my blood unfortunately!! It sometimes as a huge affect on my socialising with people, due to panic attacks
I’m on medication already.

I’ve been to see solicitor 4 yrs back, and know exactly what I’m due from when the affair all came to light.

I’m 100% sure the affair is over and there is nobody else. He’s nothing like what he was when the affair was going on.

The trust thing is both of us
Me. Will he do it again ?
He says no, because he did it and it got to far he didn’t know how to get out off it. His dad(his best friend) was also bad with dementia and it all too much pressure for him to handle.
He said it was a relief when it came to a head(he knew he was weak but felt so much pressure with affair/dads illness.

He. Will I get fed up or start saying again “I’m selling the house” which I did numerous times during the time of his affair(before I knew for definitely) hence him not wanting to spend money on house much as me

So really we both have trust issues but for different reasons.
This needs to be addressed

He’s like dual personality
Take today, out shopping laughing and joking with me
Really nice afternoon.

I don’t want to finish the relationship, and don’t think he does either. Like today we were talking about pensions, and I was asking what his private pension was, he then turns round and says yer will be fine living off that and no mortgage
More than when I worked full time.

This sounds very much like the situation I was in with my husband: affairs, cheating, lying - in other words, abuse. I divorced him in the end after a long marriage (though he was the one who went off with another woman, whom he subsequently married very soon after decree absolute). I've heard that he's (subtly) done some of the same things to her. These men don't change. My advice is to protect yourself and get rid of him. When there's no trust or respect in a relationship, what's the point of carrying on with it? You deserve better.

Go to your GP and ask to be referred for counselling. It helps to talk to an independent third party. Dont do anything hastily. Make a decision, then form a proper plan, whether its leave or stay. Try not to jump out of the frying pan into the fire. Make a life for yourself with friends. Get out and about without him. Try new things and hobbies. Unless the house is in dire need, spend money on yourself. Enjoy your life and your son. Dont let him spoil another minute.

Listen to your inner self, how I wish I had ! He sounds selfish, controlling and manipulative. When you live with someone and yet you still feel lonely within that relationship, lacking depth and honesty etc it’s time to go. The relief I felt when I divorced was truly amazing, I felt drunk on my freedom, light headed that the weight I’d carried around was finally gone. I then realised just how much he had mentally dragged me down and now ..... I’ve never looked back, still single and love every minute of my care free existence.

Ask yourself whether your really want to go on living with this man or not.

If not, take steps to leave and get a solicitor to help you sort out what you are entitled to .

You may not be able to buy with your half of the present property, but could you either move right away or rent?

It sounds to me as if you are being used by a two-timing so-and-so. Get out, even if it costs you money. Happiness is worth far more than property or money.

Can you see yourself without him? If the answer is YES which something tells me. highly unlikely, then get expert advice on 'what's mine and what's yours' and start the ball rolling. While you are as you are then he will forever continue with the life he wants without any consideration for you and your feelings.

Solicitor.

Unfaithful men 'gaslight' women into believing they're imagining it all. (I suppose it works the other way too, I just don't have personal experience of that). Eventually it undermines every positive part of your being. It's the very definition of a toxic relationship.
Get out. Consult a solicitor without telling him first.
Good luck ⚘⚘

For gods sake, get rid if him.

Is this really how you want the rest of your life? Get out while you're still young. Find a good solicitor and go.You only have one life. He is treating you so badly.

With depression and anxiety it a extremely difficult to make decisions and tackle such big problems.

I think you need to talk to your son, let him know what has happened and tell him how you are being treated. Then maybe he can help you to decide upon the course of action best .

I know when I'm feeling low and or have a lot to deal with I just want to sleep. Could you take a weekend break alone? Taking yourself out of the situation and in a new environment may help you decide what to do.
Please reach out to your son. Trust me, he will want to help you.

I think you may need to let your GP know what's going on, that your anxiety levels are through the roof and how you are feeling I'm hoping you'll be offered some counseling. You need to take good care of yourself.

I'm sorry you have all of this to deal with and such big decisions to make.
Take care ?

Legally mine will go to son, as he’s my next of kin

it is my understanding, if this should be disputed, that he could claim what he has paid re mortgage, (if you die first)

I wonder why you stay with him? hard to move on, I know!

but yes, see a solicitor, get it sorted now,, I would want you to check that you are secure, if he should die before you, or if you decide to separate,,, would he, could he, demand the house to be sold, and how much would you get to rehouse yourself.... think of you, before son, (I know,, I do understand)

then pensions?

invest in a good solicitor, is what I would want to do.