Really in a dilemma

I'm sorry you're feeling bad, Clio51.
Did he admit to having an affair, eventually?
Is the house jointly owned, and set up so that you can leave your half to your son? I hope so.
Sorry I haven't got any helpful advice.

Please do not waste any time getting to a lawyer to make sure your son is protected. this man has no substance and will not heed your wishes about your son. Take it from one who knows about other half and affairs. Take care.

Course you need to rant, your hemmed in at the moment.

Keep ranting because when you have had your fill, you will be in a better frame of mind to think a little more about what you actually want.

It doesn't look like your partner is in any place where he is considering you or both of your futures together tbh.

Sorry if that's not what you want to hear.

As soon as you feel you can cope, get your ducks in a row. Finance, accommodation, support etc.

Look after yourself in little ways for now, sleep, counselling(?) more time with friends possibly?

Best of luck

I think ‘why didn’t I go when he was having the affair’ is the main question why didn’t you as you sound very very unhappy in this relationship were you giving him the benefit of the doubt, or a bit afraid of being alone
Is the affair over ? It doesn’t sound as if it is or maybe there’s another one going on He certainly from your story doesn’t sound as if he loves you at all
I think Namsnanny is right get everything sorted as soon as you feel able or else you may lose everything he doesn’t sound reliable to keep your wishes
From my own experience the relief you feel on your own after leaving is huge
Good luck keep writing if it helps

This isn't much to do with an affaire, whether it is over or not. It's to do with you feeling uncertain about everything including your inheritance for your son.

As gransal says, get yourself to a lawyer asap. CAB and some other community agencies have free lawyers who will give a 15 minute consultation to advise you what to do and where to go to get yourself untangled from this mess.

You need to address this quickly, only then will you get rid of your anxiety and depression. Plan for an independent future where you will feel safe and secure.
Best of luck.

Write your Will is my advice and make sure it’s properly witnessed and give your son and solicitor copies.

Sorry to hear you're going through this Clio. It is spookily similar to what I went through with my husband 5/6 years ago too. We got through it, as neither of us really wanted to split up (been together 40 years and 2 children together), but, like you, it changed something in me, because I can't get over the way he treated me at the time. I got so low I rang the Samaritans. I think that worried him because he would have to explain to our kids. I also got back my self respect by no longer getting upset and expecting him to be sympathetic/and or loyal to me, stopped questioning him and started doing my own thing. We're back to a kind of normal now (at least he thinks so, as he would like to sweep it all under the carpet), but I wish now I'd had the guts to leave at that time, but 6 years on feel less able to do so. I don't have the same issue with our property as you, but echo what others have said; see a solicitor to make sure your son inherits your half of the house, should you go before him. He can't be trusted.

Reading through your post again and the way he's still treating you I think shows he doesn't respect you, so does he really deserve to stay in the property if you go first? Would he do the same for you? Doesn't sound like it to me. I would get a will written, leaving your half to your son, so he has to sell to fulfill it. You're not married so I don't think he has a claim on your half of the house.

Another narcissist ! Steer clear, he's messing with your head.

There's really not much evidence of any caring going on, let alone love. Only you can decide what course of action is right. Maybe sit down and talk with him, you are both unhappy so how do you want to move forward?

Hi, I am new to this site but having read your post I feel compelled to say as the others have, get legal advice, find out exactly what your legal position is if he should go before you and make sure your son inherits if anything happens to you. The way he has treated shows a complete lack of respect or care and he isn’t being fair financially. Sorry if I am being blunt but life is way to short to spend it with someone who makes you so unhappy. Will he talk to you and discuss the situation?

I used my money off my house 78k as deposit, he getting mortgage for the other half.

This actually sounds quite worrying. Has he taken out a mortgage in his name only?
You need to check up if you have any right at all, to half of the house.

I would see a solicitor asap and get things clarified with regard to your wishes for your son,are the mortgage deeds in his name only (I stand corrected if wrong) if they are you need to be very careful indeed.

Thanks ladies,

I’ve not been totally stupid.
The house is in
Tenants in common
Meaning each of us leaves their share to whoever they wish
Legally mine will go to son, as he’s my next of kin
The mortgage, is in both names
I have a solicitor letter to say
My 78k is protected should anything happen between us
This alone, years down the line
When he realised caused shit
Him saying, I’m paying mortgage, you live here rent free and you get your money back. I said I paid my half upfront so why should I pay as well. I also said I’d pay half but I then own 3/4 of the house
No no way. So that as been a massive red flag when he realised and he said I and solicitor conned him

He as lost my trust, as I’m thinking he’s playing for time till he get his government pension next year.
I know he as to be careful with what money he as left to make it till then but its when it comes for things for the house the same line comes out. But for his cars, and bike it must be done
Then other times he will say, come on we’ll go ..... I’ll pay

I don’t know if it’s a man thing
That they aren’t interested in house looking good(that’s me, my hobby my sanctuary)
And I’m over the top, I don’t think I am, but should it be
If I feel that’s nice and want it
I should pay for it??
I have to really hold back buying house things, as I think
Why should I pay for it
I’m I out of order? Is it right if I want say duvet I pay???
I’m so screwed up on my thinking

I feel the affair as completely changed our thinking, wether spoken or silently

I'd see a solicitor and get shot of him quick a a flash, why waste your years on an obviously selfish man who doesn't really care about you

Agree with others. See a solicitor and make some plans for leaving him. It verges on coercive behaviour making you feel bad and and making you feel you are in the wrong. It's not a healthy way to live being on tenterhooks all the time. What does your son think?

Hi I’m in exactly the same position it happened over 4 years ago the affair. I’ve moved on now made new friends and started doing my own thing! Even met nice guy we are still together but my feelings have changed. He wants me to forget everything and carry on the way we were before but I can’t do that anymore. There is a life out there I go out more joined groups I dress up had my hair restyled and bought new clothes. You look nice off to meet someone he says !!! Well yes I was I was scared of being alone but not anymore I’ve met new friends who are divorced and life is good. He denied it says just friends dont wait around ruining your life take ur money like I have done and enjoy. They lose ur respect and I look at him now and glad I will soon be free 8 was till I move in my new home. Private message me if you want support

Good news about your rights to the house!
You wouldn't even be thinking about who pays for a duvet, if your partner hadn't been acting so selfishly and grudgingly, quite apart from your suspicions of an affair.
It doesn't sound like a happy relationship can be salvaged from this so I'd suggest you take the advice of PPs who've been in similar situations.

I’ve thought again since your last post and I would encourage you to expect the worst from him.
If you take your time (which is the best way when poss) you may find yourself second guessing your worth to him whilst he uses the time to put himself in a better position.
If it were me I wouldn’t spend a penny from now on unless he coughs up his share.
You may need your cash for you soon. No duvet is worth putting your future at risk!

Good for you Chloejo - it sounds as though you are much happier now.
I think Clio51 you should treat yourself a little, get out and about, maybe volunteer somewhere, attend a class and make new friends- and that will give you a lift. You may see things more clearly if you aren’t so low and it does sound as though your home life isn’t bringing you a lot of joy at the moment.
Good luck

I'd be seperating putting the house up for sale getting my 78k plus half of any increase in value at sale and making myself a new happier life without this selfish cheating article

If you think you own 3/4 of the house, could you and/or your son get a loan and buy him out of his 1/4 and tell him to leave? However, I don't really understand why- if you both put in the same amount when you bought the property - your deposit and his mortgage amount, surely any equity on top would be split 50/50. Could you afford to buy anywhere with your £78, 000 and half the profits?

No I don’t own 3/4, that was when he was moaning that I was living rent free(paid upfront 78k) and I said I’d pay half the mortgage but then I would own 3/4 .
I’d have to pay him 100k to buy him out, so only earn minimum wage and I’m on esa (sick) long term anxiety

Wouldn’t be able to buy where we live now, son’s job is literally 10 mins walk from home!! And he starts at 6am and only been there since jan and he loves it round here, friends and work.

When it works it’s great, but when he leaves things to me to sort or doesn’t tip up what he owes me I think wtf.

Lot of thinking to do, but I’m not in the right place at the moment anxiety/depression so don’t want to rush into anything and make my health worse as I’ll be in no fit state then

Why are you with this person? Perhaps it would help you, if you write a list of "pros" and "cons"? I'm betting that the "pros" would be few. Enough said.